"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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deep dish peat moss: Jul 27, 2006

Can the guerrilla marketer goons PM me about how to get a job doing that

# ? Aug 18, 2016 04:43

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:14

Pimpcasso: Mar 13, 2002; VOLS BITCH

this is my first post in this 40 page thread, thanks

# ? Aug 18, 2016 04:55

Inzombiac: Mar 19, 2007; PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY

Shakill OReal posted:

Can the guerrilla marketer goons PM me about how to get a job doing that

Me too. Can't be worse that most jobs I've done.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 05:16

Hopper: Dec 28, 2004; BOOING! BOOING!; Grimey Drawer

I never thought about guerrilla marketing on here but it makes so much sense. I mean I know it exists, but it just wasn't something I actively associated with SA more with Amazon reviews. If I think about the amount of product recommendations in GWS alone though... now I feel used. :colbert:

# ? Aug 18, 2016 05:19

deep dish peat moss: Jul 27, 2006

While reading this thread I spilled my Coke on my keyboard, not laughing or anything like that but just I'm clumsy. If you ever do that you can clean it up easy with a Swiffer

# ? Aug 18, 2016 05:31

Murray Mantoinette: Jun 11, 2005; ＴＨＥＰＯＳＴＳＭＵＳＴＦＬＯＷ; Clapping Larry

Shakill OReal posted:

While reading this thread I spilled my Coke on my keyboard, not laughing or anything like that but just I'm clumsy. If you ever do that you can clean it up easy with a Swiffer

Coke doesn't come out at all, man. Better to just bite the bullet and purchase a brand new Dell� Precision� 3000 Series professional workstation.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:05

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Was guerilla marketing a thing before or after Harambe? Its ridiculous that one meme has spawned an entire industry of marketing.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:10

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Jastiger posted:

Was guerilla marketing a thing before or after Harambe? Its ridiculous that one meme has spawned an entire industry of marketing.

goddammit.... I just laughed at a Jastiger post :doh:

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:14

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Well, I go to sleep thinking I'll PM Smythe in the morning and I get up to a 12-page thread filled with drama.

Most of the things I could say about it were asked and answered by the admins in that thread, there's only one thing that I feel is important to add to that discussion:
I did everything in my power to avoid doxxing. When people sent me confessions from their personal e-mails by mistake or even via PM I didn't play internet detective or attempted to contact them in any way (there was only one exception to this, but since that particular confession wasn't posted it is a moot point).

Hell, I even figured out what confession Jastiger sent in but kept that information to myself out of ethical considerations (it was rather tame, no need to play guessing games)

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:21

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Post the one you think i sent you.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:25

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

For over 16 years which is more than half of my entire life, I've been pretending to be a girl online. In games, forums, anything I do online I do as a girl. I've been doing this since I was 11, and I'm 29 now.

I went all-in with the false identity I created for myself. My real birthday is different from the one I tell people, but consistent. My daily life as that persona mostly reflected my actual life, but gender-swapped and maybe slightly embellished to either emphasize my own hilarious fuckups or to downplay serious things that happened to me. I did as much as I could get away with to solidify and make that identity "real" without outing myself to internet people, my real-life friends, or my immediate family. I used fake pictures, all from the same source, and perfected a voice that sounded appropriately feminine to push the illusion even further. I lived life as myself in reality, but also as that other person I'd created online.

I've been outed twice, the first time by a real-life friend when I was 17. I invited him to join a once-booming forum community without actually telling them who I am in that place, but he knew me well enough to figure me out of the crowd, and blew my ruse wide-open, very publically, for all to see. I went from being reasonably well-respected and liked for my personal style to being turned into a complete joke; mocked and scorned by everyone, because I was a boy pretending to be a girl online. It was not a good time, and I'd failed to commit suicide over it. The person who did it was someone who would later confess that he was in love with me. I rejected him. I've had issues with trusting people ever since then, even if they're on the up-and-up.

The results of that outing were the complete annihilation of that "life", and the "birth" of a new one, which I did the same thing with. New pictures, new voice which took a lot of practice, new background information of my personal life which, as it happened, still reflected my own, in almost the same way. Only minor details were changed, like the hospital I was born in, my hometown, the schools I went to..

This new identity was also outed to a a group of people I played a certain MMORPG with. This happened only a few years ago, after I finally felt like I could trust someone again. I liked a particular person as more than friends, knew they were bisexual, and romantically interested in people very much like myself.. I told them what I was doing, the constructed identity, fake pictures, altered voice and as even a step further, went ahead and showed them actual pictures of myself. We conversed for a few months after that, and then for no reason at all, it was laid out for everyone to see. I flailed around ineffectually trying to defend myself at first, but damning evidence came up in the form of the entire conversation I had with that person, about what I was doing. It was over, and I severed.

Did I forget to mention this is something I still do to this day? I might be a masochist, because I know some spiteful troll will play internet detective for a cheap laugh. I don't understand why the people who outed me would do so. In virtually all respects with regard to myself, I'm completely genuine, and a nice person. I tell the truth, even if slightly exaggerated, I don't like antagonizing people, and I've never truly hated anyone. I try to be likable and compassionate. I go out of my way to help people. I enjoy socializing with people, and having a good conversation about whatever. These are all traits which are also a part of my real life, in which I'm just some scrawny carpenter/tech-support-guy working hard to make ends meet, pay off my student loans, and hating the reality of myself trying and suffering to be the boy the universe apparently wants me to be instead of the girl I probably should've been.

I'm really starting to wonder which life is the one I'm "pretending" to live.

quote:

So I'm gonna do it again I guess.

I let a girl die. I didn't kill her, but I didn't raise a hand to help her in a situation that - if I were to admit it - I knew could be fatal. An old hookup of mine got a motorcycle (she got into them because I had one when we hooked up years ago) recently, and asked me to help her with advice for gear. I'm in a committed relationship now, have been for like five years, so I didn't think anything of it. Got coffee, talked about helmets. Couple days later she asked me to come over to look at the bike and check it out. I didn't lie to my girlfriend, but I didn't tell the truth either - she was out of town so I didn't have to say anything. I went over there and god drat this girl was hot. She was being super flirty, tits practically on display, it was a dangerous scene. I bailed before anything could happen, but I couldn't get her off my mind for a while.

Another couple days later and she gives me a call right as I'm cleaning up from dinner - she dropped her bike in her parents' driveway and wanted to know if I could come get it and give her a ride home, since the clutch lever and shifter pedal were bent. I panicked, told her to check and see if she could still shift, and then just ride it home - after all it's what I did when my levers were bent. But I knew it was going to be rainy and I knew she didn't have the experience. She slammed into a guardrail at the exit to her part of town. Broke like everything. Was in the hospital for weeks. I helped her dad pick up her ruined bike from the towyard. I never went to visit her. They took her home when she was getting better, and she died of an infection the doctors missed. Just gone overnight, all because I was afraid my girlfriend might find out I sort of wanted to gently caress some girl. I should have just picked her up.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:25

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

On a normal day I spend at least 90% of my free time on the forums or on news articles/videos/whatever that have been directly linked by someone in the forums, and that's probably a slightly conservative estimate. I read the forums over breakfast, on my lunch break, at dinner if I'm eating by myself, on my downtime at work, on the toilet, pretty much anywhere I have a free moment and my phone has a Wi-Fi connection. I'm not even posting much more than white noise, I'm just reading as much as I can in whatever subforums I feel like that day. And the weird thing is that, outwardly, I'm a normal-rear end well-adjusted dude- I'm married to a wonderful woman with whom I've been steady for for almost a decade, have a stable white collar job and a freelance writing gig that's allowed me to pay off a bunch of debt and save up some money, in shape and work out daily, have had a good relationship with my family my whole life, and all that poo poo. You'd never look at me out of the street and say "this guy spend multiple hours a day on a website where people call each other 'cucks'."

Even if I posted a banme or something I would probably just wind up constantly reading SA, and just re-reging if I wasn't perma'd. Reading the forums has actually brought a lot of useful stuff and positive life changes my way so in some ways it's been the best $10 I ever spent. But I gotta stop reading these dumb gay forums so much because it's slowly eating away at the time I want/need for other stuff. Free time spent on nerd stuff life video games is now mostly forums time, and I'm starting to get a little behind at work because no one's around to stop me from going on half-hour forums binges on my phone (and if anyone at IT wised up and blocked SA on the company Wi-Fi I would strongly consider quitting, not that I love my job anyway). And I've slowly found it more and more difficult to talk to people, even friends, ever since joining. But there's so much stuff on these forums, both useful or useless, that my brain sees it all and just screams "CONSUME" and I can't help myself. I'll sit down on a Saturday afternoon and say "OK, time to write this assignment and then I can play that game I just picked up on Steam!" and suddenly it's 9 PM and I'm cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and have done half the writing and none of the gaming.

So either I'm addicted to the forums or I have straight-up ADD. I'm almost embarrassed to send this confession, despite the anonymity. Woo.

quote:

I think I once passed a kidney stone while jerking off. Best orgasm of my life.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:26

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Dude whose ex bought it in a bike accident:

She was a squid and would have probably had an accident with or without you at some point. Your guilt is a reflex from the vestigial feelings of responsibility you had from when you were together.

Lay a wreath on her grave and then never look back.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:32

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Jastiger posted:

Post the one you think i sent you.

I'm not going to do that for obvious reasons. If you so desperately want the attention, you're welcome to do it yourself.
This thread is under enough admin scrutiny as it is.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:37

Cumslut1895: Feb 18, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

... so as I was saying, I have conclusive evidence that H.H is actually the Zodiac Killer. You can't silence me forever mods

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:38

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

H.H posted:

I'm not going to do that for obvious reasons. If you so desperately want the attention, you're welcome to do it yourself.
This thread is under enough admin scrutiny as it is.

the people are watching :tinfoil:

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:39

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

H.H posted:

I'm not going to do that for obvious reasons. If you so desperately want the attention, you're welcome to do it yourself.
This thread is under enough admin scrutiny as it is.

I'd just assumed that you had complied with his request and the one about pretending to be a lady is Jastiger

# ? Aug 18, 2016 06:49

Murray Mantoinette: Jun 11, 2005; ＴＨＥＰＯＳＴＳＭＵＳＴＦＬＯＷ; Clapping Larry

timp posted:

I'd just assumed that you had complied with his request and the one about pretending to be a lady is Jastiger

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:01

Pretty good: Apr 16, 2007

feminism goon do you see the irony at all in going off on one about white women because their problems don't compare to those experienced by racial minorities? if the biggest problem in your life is hearing white women complaining, maybe it's time to get some perspective...... there are people who have it a lot worse............

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:02

Buttcoin purse: Apr 24, 2014

H.H posted:

Well, I go to sleep thinking I'll PM Smythe in the morning and I get up to a 12-page thread filled with drama.

Most of the things I could say about it were asked and answered by the admins in that thread, there's only one thing that I feel is important to add to that discussion:
I did everything in my power to avoid doxxing. When people sent me confessions from their personal e-mails by mistake or even via PM I didn't play internet detective or attempted to contact them in any way (there was only one exception to this, but since that particular confession wasn't posted it is a moot point).

Hell, I even figured out what confession Jastiger sent in but kept that information to myself out of ethical considerations (it was rather tame, no need to play guessing games)

You deserve a bravery award for continuing to run these threads despite all the dangers to your "person" (account).

H.H posted:

On a normal day I spend at least 90% of my free time on the forums or on news articles/videos/whatever that have been directly linked by someone in the forums, and that's probably a slightly conservative estimate. I read the forums over breakfast, on my lunch break, at dinner if I'm eating by myself, on my downtime at work, on the toilet, pretty much anywhere I have a free moment and my phone has a Wi-Fi connection. I'm not even posting much more than white noise, I'm just reading as much as I can in whatever subforums I feel like that day. And the weird thing is that, outwardly, I'm a normal-rear end well-adjusted dude- I'm married to a wonderful woman with whom I've been steady for for almost a decade, have a stable white collar job and a freelance writing gig that's allowed me to pay off a bunch of debt and save up some money, in shape and work out daily, have had a good relationship with my family my whole life, and all that poo poo. You'd never look at me out of the street and say "this guy spend multiple hours a day on a website where people call each other 'cucks'."

Even if I posted a banme or something I would probably just wind up constantly reading SA, and just re-reging if I wasn't perma'd. Reading the forums has actually brought a lot of useful stuff and positive life changes my way so in some ways it's been the best $10 I ever spent. But I gotta stop reading these dumb gay forums so much because it's slowly eating away at the time I want/need for other stuff. Free time spent on nerd stuff life video games is now mostly forums time, and I'm starting to get a little behind at work because no one's around to stop me from going on half-hour forums binges on my phone (and if anyone at IT wised up and blocked SA on the company Wi-Fi I would strongly consider quitting, not that I love my job anyway). And I've slowly found it more and more difficult to talk to people, even friends, ever since joining. But there's so much stuff on these forums, both useful or useless, that my brain sees it all and just screams "CONSUME" and I can't help myself. I'll sit down on a Saturday afternoon and say "OK, time to write this assignment and then I can play that game I just picked up on Steam!" and suddenly it's 9 PM and I'm cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and have done half the writing and none of the gaming.

So either I'm addicted to the forums or I have straight-up ADD. I'm almost embarrassed to send this confession, despite the anonymity. Woo.

Mostly

except it doesn't seem to affect my ability to talk to people :shrug:

Like i can talk to people in real life without saying "cuck" or "im gay".

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:03

deep dish peat moss: Jul 27, 2006

I think that's pretty normal these days except for most people it's Reddit or Facebook

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:05

Pretty good: Apr 16, 2007

internet catfish goon lol you basically admitted that you think you're trans and cripplingly repressed about it at the end there :therapy:

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:06

it dont matter: Aug 29, 2008

Closet-fear goon I had a radical idea. Check it: instead of burning your entire house down because of an imagined paranormal infestation (which isn't real, ghosts don't exist) simply remove and destroy the offending item of furniture.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:33

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

alphabettitouretti posted:

Closet-fear goon I had a radical idea. Check it: instead of burning your entire house down because of an imagined paranormal infestation (which isn't real, ghosts don't exist) simply remove and destroy the offending item of furniture.

ghost do exist u pos. i can prove it

# ? Aug 18, 2016 07:34

it dont matter: Aug 29, 2008

Orkin Mang posted:

ghost do exist u pos. i can prove it

Go on then.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:09

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

alphabettitouretti posted:

Go on then.

the simplicity of the subject of conscious experience is indissoluble by the dissolution of its associated parts

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:10

it dont matter: Aug 29, 2008

Orkin Mang posted:

the simplicity of the subject of conscious experience is indissoluble by the dissolution of its associated parts

OK you convinced me. Now do homeopathy.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:18

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

the self is a being of glory only temporarily associated with this finite life. there are no bounds to new knowledge nor the everexpanding logic of perfect love

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:21

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Orkin Mang posted:

the simplicity of the subject of conscious experience is indissoluble by the dissolution of its associated parts

Self-awareness is actually a byproduct of the brain's function and is not a prerequisite to intelligent life.

Sorry to be the one who has to tell you this.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:26

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

H.H posted:

Self-awareness is actually a byproduct of the brain's function and is not a prerequisite to intelligent life.

Sorry to be the one who has to tell you this.

self and awareness are not neurological properties and cant be in principle.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:29

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Oh? Why not?

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:38

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

H.H posted:

Oh? Why not?

the problem of qualia and the binding problem, not to mention the problem of intentionality

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:43

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

The binding problem is a good argument that I have no way of countering.

That said, the existence of qualia is not a falsifiable theory.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 08:57

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

H.H posted:

The binding problem is a good argument that I have no way of countering.

That said, the existence of qualia is not a falsifiable theory.

)
falsifibable by what standard? its inherently subjective. its subjectivity itself. trying to detect it by objective means (ontologically) is logically impossible. its a simple category error. in fact subjective experience is the grounds and condition of all knowledge. scientific verification depends upon it

# ? Aug 18, 2016 09:01

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Not saying it's false, just saying there's no reason to mention it since it can't be discussed in any meaningful way.

It's like saying "I perceive this thing which you call an orange to be an apple." What can be gained from arguing over it?

But enough about that, I'm pretty sure this derail is interesting to nobody except the both of us.
Let's get back to the confessions.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 09:12

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

H.H posted:

Not saying it's false, just saying there's no reason to mention it since it can't be discussed in any meaningful way.

It's like saying "I perceive this thing which you call an orange to be an apple." What can be gained from arguing over it?

But enough about that, I'm pretty sure this derail is interesting to nobody except the both of us.
Let's get back to the confessions.

cool man i wont detain u, but david chalmers is good on this stuff. as is ej lowe but hes dead. john searle as well

and of course subjective states can be discussed meaningfully wtf. not being reduciible to material causes doesnt entail unintelligibility.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 09:15

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I'm a happily married guy with a great wife I love.

Problem is that I've been secretly bisexual/pansexual and trans-curious from an early age. I never dated in high school, but felt attracted to both sexes. I've never acted on it and was a virgin until I married. Most of my life, I've been overly conscious about my appearance and voice which I perceive as too feminine. I occasionally get mistaken for a female if I don't shave even though I don't wear anything remotely feminine.

quote:

I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old. Far from being some horrible molestation by a relative, it happened with a neighbor girl who was also 8 years old. She was adopted, and the only black kid in the entire neighborhood. She would also wet her pants a lot which got her teased badly by the other neighbor kids and classmates. I was one of her only friends. She was a latchkey kid and I used to hang out at her place because they had an Atari 2600 with a color TV which was hot poo poo back in the day. She'd tell me we should play house, and pretend to daddy and mommy. "Now its time for mommy and daddy to make a baby" she'd say, and tell me to lie down on top of her. At first it was just dry humping and stuff, but I would get seriously aroused and she would then tell me its time for us to start doing this naked.

I can remember the couch we had sex on to be uncomfortably scratchy. Her frequent pissing meant she reeked of urine down there. Neither of us knew what the hell it was supposed to feel like. There was some blood that got on the couch (she just flipped the cushion over to hide it).

At around nine or ten I had a similar experience with two of my stepmom's nieces. The older one was like ten and the younger six, and the older one would tell the younger one to insert candy like tictacs or skittles into her own vagina "to save them for later". Then she would tell her to "pee them out and eat them". At the time I thought it was funny how she would boss her sister around, but thinking about it as an adult it is pretty drat disturbing. Like my neighbor, the older niece would want to play 'house' with me which would escalate into sexual acts, often with the younger sister involved. Just seeing a vulva, even at that young of an age would give me a raging erection and a rush of arousal though again I didn't really understand what was happening to me at the time.

I don't know what ever happened to the neighbor girl since we moved away a few years later, but the two nieces, whom my stepmom kept in touch with over the years had a lot of problems. They moved to Arizona to live with their dad, the older one is an alcoholic with serious anger issues and a couple of ex husbands herself, and the younger one has a meth habit and is in and out of rehab/jail.

As for me I turned out perfectly fine. I'm married now, with two daughters of my own and a great career. I never told anyone what happened, even when my stepmom cornered me once a few years after the incident asking if her nieces ever 'acted unusual' or 'touched me imappropriately'. I always insisted nothing happened; I was scared of what might happen to me. When the topic of losing our virginities come up, I tell people I lost mine at 17 with my HS girlfriend.

# ? Aug 18, 2016 09:15

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Orkin Mang posted:

cool man i wont detain u, but david chalmers is good on this stuff. as is ej lowe but hes dead. john searle as well

and of course subjective states can be discussed meaningfully wtf. not being reduciible to material causes doesnt entail unintelligibility.

I'll check them out, thanks!

# ? Aug 18, 2016 09:20

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

H.H posted:

I'll check them out, thanks!

http://consc.net/chalmers/

# ? Aug 18, 2016 09:21

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# ? May 10, 2024 18:14

Radical and BADical!: Jun 27, 2010; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

alphabettitouretti posted:

Go on then.

as someone who's seen a poo poo ton of ghosts in his life (with witnesses*), i think the answer is quantum entanglement

*by witnesses, I mean people with me who experienced the same poo poo that i did and started freaking out about it without me prompting it

# ? Aug 18, 2016 15:37

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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