"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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Cthulu Carl: Apr 16, 2006

Kaiju Cage Match posted:

Depends on which one you work at.

Yeah, if it's a pizza bagel factory... Well, it's like the jingle goes, right?

# ? Aug 20, 2016 21:51

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# ? May 10, 2024 16:54

Nick Rivers: Nov 23, 2004

I like pizza.

# ? Aug 20, 2016 21:57

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

hey anonymous hookers and johns you are both soulless husks there is no debate may god have mercy

repent

# ? Aug 20, 2016 22:11

God Of Paradise: Jan 23, 2012; You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

Gimbal lock posted:

Prosti-goon probably doesn't expect people to give a poo poo.
There's a bunch of ways that people can get stuck in prostitution. It's probably one of those things where it seems obvious out of context ("you can find alternatives to smoking dicks for money") but when the bills really needs to get paid right away or you get thrown out on the streets tomorrow, you do whatever you have to. If the path of least resistance is that you know a dick that'll totally pay the bills for a good smokin, and life is being too much of a struggle to find the energy to fight for a different path, the best you may do is stock up whatever energy remaining to stay afloat and hope you eventually amass enough in the future to change the situation. Constantly worrying about having a roof over your head takes a lot out of a person.

Yeah there are plenty of people who are poor as gently caress and aren't prostituting themselves but their own paths of least resistance probably didn't bring them to prostitution. If I was in deep money trouble, the last thing I'd do would be to look for dicks to suck for money because I wouldn't even know where to start and I'd probably do a horrible job anyway, not so much because prostitution is frowned upon. Where the gently caress do you even find high-paying johns anyway? Etc. You work with whatever resources you got.

This is financial situation a lot of people find them in. And it's a place I've found myself in, in the past. When I become unemployed, I start doing contract work, writing freelance and doing cleaning and make-ready's on vacated property until a job comes my way. I've developed a distate for anyone who hates thier clientele in any job. Because if you do the job you find evil, you are no better than your customers, maybe even worse, because you add more to the self-perpetuation of evil that is the job.

Everyone views themselves as some great hero in the story of their lives. Nobody is.

# ? Aug 20, 2016 23:36

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Don't be poors man, it's really offputting

# ? Aug 20, 2016 23:56

dookifex_maximus: Aug 10, 2016; by zen death robot

i say, why couldn't they have inherited coal mines like my family?

good future in that, coal

not, mining or being near its use, but you know, the money

# ? Aug 20, 2016 23:59

TheWeepingHorse: Nov 20, 2009

Even outside of sex work, it's difficult to find work outside of your field, difficult to maintain a freelance career, and difficult to find support when the going gets rough. It's hard to get an entry-level position if you can't explain a massive gap on your resume. It's also hard to break out of bad habits and mental shells - it's lovely when you're stuck in the gently caress-up loop - after a while, it becomes very difficult to follow through on plans which might seem obvious to others.

Prosti-goon, my unsolicited advice is to just rip off the Band-Aid. Drop the game and just become a temp. It'll suck, but you already know that sex work sucks, so what do you have to lose? Sex workers are great at customer service - ride that skillset to the moon. Alternatively, enroll full-time in community college, in some narrow but useful skill. Use your time as a student to hit the reset button on your life. Instead of your resume only showing a gap, they'll just see that you went to school and now you're looking for a job. This will be a huge help - instead of going into interviews wondering how to explain yourself, you'll just be yet another person.

Point being, I'm not going to pretend to know your life situation. However, I do know a little something about restarting yourself. It's intimidating at first, but then it becomes shockingly easy. The dirty secret of the world is that it's a big, busy place filled with distracted people. Stuff that's incredibly stressful for you will go unnoticed by literally everybody else. That can be bad...but it can also be good. You don't need to do anything amazing with your life. Nobody would notice, anyway. You just need to pick up new habits and drop the old ones. Make new friends. Or, don't.

...

FWIW, some brief googling uncovers the claim that 14% of American men have ever paid for sex, but less than 1% have seen a prostitute within the past year. That sounds...probably right? I feel like a lot of people who have ever paid for sex come out of the experience just sort of thinking "walp, that happened" and never see a reason to return to it.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 00:36

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Jfc this post, I've got something I'd like to tell you if it wasn't against the rules now lol, you goddamn goon idiot hahahhaa

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Aug 21, 2016 01:07

Marmaduke!: May 19, 2009; Why would it do that!?

As a "friend" once told me, you haven't lived until you've paid a Dutch prostitute to piss in your mouth. I think there's a 50-50 chance he was serious.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 01:12

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Why Dutch specifically?

# ? Aug 21, 2016 02:00

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Squalitude posted:

As a "friend" once told me, you haven't lived until you've paid a Dutch prostitute to piss in your mouth. I think there's a 50-50 chance he was serious.

TBF if I was a sex worker in Amsterdam I would also love pissing on tourists's faces for pay.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 02:10

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

Carth Dookie posted:

Why Dutch specifically?

Their pee tastes better? Bigger bladder? What else would you want...

# ? Aug 21, 2016 02:26

Marmaduke!: May 19, 2009; Why would it do that!?

Well, presumably because it was legal there. Maybe the pee tasted of WEE-D?

# ? Aug 21, 2016 02:37

Kirk Vikernes: Apr 26, 2004; Count Goatnackh

Squalitude posted:

As a "friend" once told me, you haven't lived until you've paid a Dutch prostitute to piss in your mouth. I think there's a 50-50 chance he was serious.

During my bachelor weekend in Toronto, we called a woman from an adult newspaper who went by the name Bubble Butt and tried to work out a deal for her to eat corn and poo poo on a newspaper, but she was concerned about the time to digest and timing the whole thing correctly and disappointing her clients. Trying to work this out with her broken Engrish was a chore, but it would have been $250 Canadian split between 6 people.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 02:37

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

At my friend's bachelor party we tried to price a hooker to eat cereal out of her own gaped butthole. They all hung up on us so it must have been north of $250.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 03:11

bald gnome error: Feb 9, 2011

hooer goonette is the most beautiful honeypot. thank u. stay safe whore ghost

# ? Aug 21, 2016 04:11

Buttcoin purse: Apr 24, 2014

H.H posted:

Accurate posters: Stuntman (put up my 10bux years ago; haven't been able to pay my Internet bill for a bit so it's smartphone + data lol), Anne Whateley, Buttcoin purse (although my drugs of choice are just alcohol, weed, and tobacco. Those chew up a fair amount of my income, though.)

Holy poo poo, she said I'm right, she really does know how to give a man what his wife won't give him.

H.H posted:

BBJCIM

learning so many new terms in this thread.

H.H posted:

If you knew who among your real life friends payed for sex it would blow your mind.
The only reason that they don't talk about it is because of the social stigma. It's the same as smoking weed in places where it's illegal: everyone does it but you have to pretend it's less wide-spread that it really is.

I've lived in lots of places where smoking weed is illegal (not like a capital crime though) but people still talk about it, they even allude to it on TV. I never hear anyone making similar references to visiting prostitutes.

Nooner posted:

Jfc this post, I've got something I'd like to tell you if it wasn't against the rules now lol, you goddamn goon idiot hahahhaa

censor you're self

# ? Aug 21, 2016 04:59

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

And now for something completely different:

quote:

E.T Goon here and my parents had me just after they turned 16. They split up before I was born and my mom had my E.T pretending brother just about 11 months after I was born. My baby sister was entirely an accident since my mom assumed she was too old to have any more kids and had gone through menopause. She's a pretty normal kid aside from being raised by lady who sincerely, 100% believes that she's had multiple encounters with various aliens (both good and bad) and that Barack Obama is a benevolent time traveler who came from the future via CIA experiments.

That's also why we watched E.T so much when I was kid - my mom thought he was one of the good ones and that he'd come to save our planet.

quote:

My teeth are rotting out of my skull.
Young 'tismed goon here, 18. I was a stupid kid who thought he knew everything, and way smarter than my elders, who spoiled me a fair amount. A couple years back I got metal braces on, and subsequently refused to go to the dentist to get them off (I was really one of those kids that should have gotten beat.) Eventually, most of them came off naturally, taking chunks of powdering enamel with. Nearly every top tooth has most of its outward face rotted away. One of my front buck teeth is missing a chunk, another is prone to split in two one of these days, and I have a ridiculous jaw overhang (my top jaw hangs out way farther than my bottom) When I do manage to go to a dentist (which there's no money for at the moment) I'm almost certainly going to have to get dentures. I really consider this a lesson for my stupid bitch-rear end for being such a spoiled brat that thought everyone else was stupid, every time the energy is sucked out of me for a day or so because I can't focus on anything, besides waiting for my jaw to stop hurting. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 07:27

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

So six years ago SA had a OKCupid thread where people made fake female profiles and posted the best (worst) messages clueless dudes sent them. I participated and made a fake female profile. Prior to that point I'd never heard of or cared about OKCupid, but I ended up actually liking the way it was setup. During the course of the thread I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, and finding myself newly single said gently caress it and made a real world (male) profile for myself.

Two weeks later I met my wife of five years on it.

I met my wife because of a SA thread about poking fun at idiots on OKCupid.

She has no idea.

quote:

Hi, I'm almost 30 years old and I'm a complete loving wreck of a person. I am terrified to talk to women, I'm a virgin (haven't kissed a girl since I was 12 years old), and I spend all my free time sitting in my apartment in the dark on the internet. I also hide this pain behind a facade of being really happy, and overeat and drink to cope.

I went to see a therapist after I started screwing up at work and they offered to pay for it. We started digging and it turns out most of my issues stem from a repressed childhood memory. So yeah, that's awesome.

So my mother (who passed away in 2012 from kidney failure) was always an alcoholic, drug-addicted mess of a person. She kicked my biological father out before I was born, then went through a series of boyfriends, fiances, and live-in lovers throughout my entire childhood. Somewhere between 2-5 a year, like clockwork. What I'm saying is she was constantly seeking physical contact to make her feel like a valued person, since her job didn't give her any satisfaction, and she never really loved me or my 3 half-siblings.

Anyway, that repressed memory? I was in middle school, just starting to discover my body and going through puberty. I'm in the bathroom tub bathing, when my mom walks in. She's drunk (go figure) and just sits downs and pees next to me. Then she grabs a washcloth, reaches over into the tub, and jerks me off to completion while saying stuff like "Who's a big boy?" and "Just like your father". We're still figuring out just how much this hosed me up, but considering I blocked it from my memory? It hit me pretty hard.

So yeah, no shock I'm pretty hosed up.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 07:29

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

You are, anon, yes you are.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 07:47

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

I know the braces goon is pretty young but drat, how stupid could you be? All it would have taken is a couple dentist visits, a few hours tops and your teeth would have been fine. Now you're going to have to pay out the rear end for whatever it takes to fix your self-inflicted problem.

What were you thinking, that they'd just stay there forever?

# ? Aug 21, 2016 07:50

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

stupid rear end ninny autistic toothless goony poop for brains disgrace to the man race:

a friend of mine in college had some form of dentures because some of his front teeth were missing, i literally didnt know until i saw him taking them off in the bathroom one day. when you get dentures they probably won't look much different from the real thing

# ? Aug 21, 2016 08:00

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Aren't most "recovered memories" just straight bullshit that the therapist inadvertently put into people's minds?

# ? Aug 21, 2016 08:05

Buttcoin purse: Apr 24, 2014

That sucks braces goon, most people do stupid stuff when they're a kid that doesn't have such bad consequences, and most of the time your parents can manage to talk sense into you to stop bad stuff like that happening to you

# ? Aug 21, 2016 08:08

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

rub n tub

# ? Aug 21, 2016 08:25

SEX BURRITO: Jun 30, 2007; Not much fun

I was dying to get my braces off. They're so uncomfortable and ugly. I can't imagine the levels of moody defiance needed to keep them on until they rotted from your head. Luckily, dentures look pretty decent now. If you can ever afford it, then it might be worth looking at tooth implants.

The OK Cupid thread was great. That's a cute story to tell the grandkids.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 08:44

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I failed a drug test at work. We get random unannounced drug screenings, they called me in as I was about to clock out, and I failed. Presumably it was the weed I routinely smoked, but it may have been from the massive amount of uppers I took that past weekend.

My boss told me I was a good employee and he'd let the failure slide if I let him have sex with me. I was a virgin at that point but was so scared of losing my job and becoming homeless that I let him do it.

I lost my virginity to my much older boss in exchange for a job that just pays above minimum wage. A guy asked me out at the bar this weekend and I flashed back to the sex and freaked out, then told him I was gay and wasn't interested.

I still think I did what I had to do, though.

quote:

I used to be a paperboy. Yeah.
One time I noticed I was missing a bunch of stuff after I came out of a hallway.
I see a girl walking down the street so I run after her to ask if she's seen anything.
She obviously has all the drat papers in her arms.
I ask if I can have them back and she says no.
I decide that this is dumb and yank the papers from her.
Next thing you know, she punches me right on the nose.

As a kid I used to have anger issues. I thought me and my Roma blood was over it, but evidently not.

Instead I'm now standing over a girl who's been clocked out, sitting on her rear end and is starting to cry.

I picked up the papers, sheepishly told her I was sorry and went back to my poo poo.

I then spent the next couple of weeks in absolute terror. I was sure she would go to the cops.

Nothing happened and I'm currently seeing a therapist.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:03

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

quote:

I basically have 2 really important tasks at work (I work at a factory afterhours and am usually the only one there during my shift).

1) Make sure the doors are all locked when I leave
2) Turn the conveyor belt speed from "Max" to "Stop", so the morning crew guys can turn it on safely

I forgot to do 2) the other day. I got a frantic call at 7 am (I was getting ready for bed) asking if I knew how to disassemble the belt. I heard screaming in the background.

When they turned the belt on in the morning, it was going full speed. Which is a big problem since guys like to sit on the belt, rest their hands on it, etc while they have their morning meeting.

There were a lot of sliced fingers, arms, and legs that morning. One guy got degloved (look it up if you don't know what that is) and another guy had the tips of 8 of his fingers sliced clean off. The worst one was a guy sitting half on/half off the belt. His pants were shredded and his scrotum got caught up in the mechanism. He lost a ton of blood, not to mention both his balls.

I'm fired of course, and there's probably a lot more that going to happen. I'm thinking about fleeing the state. I probably will this weekend.

quote:

When I first started looking at porn in middle school I would be weirdly focused on looking at the guy's penis. Sorta like when you see someone without a leg or whatever you just can't look away. Anyway I started to worry I was gay so one day I looked up some gay porn just to check. It took me about .2 seconds of utter repulsion to figure out I wasn't gay and that was that.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:05

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

Solice Kirsk posted:

Aren't most "recovered memories" just straight bullshit that the therapist inadvertently put into people's minds?

yes. your brain doesn't just hide memories cuz they were traumatic.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:12

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Is it at all possible ur a virgin because you "am terrified to talk to women, and I spend all my free time sitting in my apartment in the dark on the internet."

Is this at all possible, goon friend?

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:15

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

Groovelord Neato posted:

yes. your brain doesn't just hide memories cuz they were traumatic.

actually dissociative amnesia is definitely a thing

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:45

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

yeah and so is dissociative identity disorder.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:51

pr0spector88: Aug 18, 2016; by Nyc_Tattoo

Nation posted:

actually dissociative amnesia is definitely a thing

could be a hubris better check into it before this train goes off the rails again

# ? Aug 21, 2016 11:54

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

what

# ? Aug 21, 2016 12:01

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

H.H posted:

I basically have 2 really important tasks at work...

Let me convey my sympathies to you.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 12:17

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Gay porn dude: you can't be 100% certain until you try sucking a dick.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 12:25

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Plus there are a million different categories of gay porn, like you gotta sift through the twink stuff, the bear stuff, the buff dude stuff etc etc

You will have to watch the full spectrum of gay porn in order to properly assess whether you are gay or not. It is known

# ? Aug 21, 2016 12:30

pr0spector88: Aug 18, 2016; by Nyc_Tattoo

make sure to orgasm as u watch gay porn to really prove u aren't gay and not condition urself to be gay but just u kno experience being gay and stuff but totally not being gay or pavloving urself into homosexxuality

# ? Aug 21, 2016 12:31

Buttcoin purse: Apr 24, 2014

H.H posted:

There were a lot of sliced fingers, arms, and legs that morning. One guy got degloved (look it up if you don't know what that is) and another guy had the tips of 8 of his fingers sliced clean off. The worst one was a guy sitting half on/half off the belt. His pants were shredded and his scrotum got caught up in the mechanism. He lost a ton of blood, not to mention both his balls.

Unless you also wrote the lovely safety procedure which says "lets make it so if this guy ever forgets to do this one thing just once it causes horrible injuries to a bunch of other people" then I think you're definitely gonna blame yourself anyway, but others are even more to blame.

# ? Aug 21, 2016 12:41

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# ? May 10, 2024 16:54

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

H.H posted:

quote:
I failed a drug test at work. We get random unannounced drug screenings, they called me in as I was about to clock out, and I failed. Presumably it was the weed I routinely smoked, but it may have been from the massive amount of uppers I took that past weekend.

My boss told me I was a good employee and he'd let the failure slide if I let him have sex with me. I was a virgin at that point but was so scared of losing my job and becoming homeless that I let him do it.

I lost my virginity to my much older boss in exchange for a job that just pays above minimum wage. A guy asked me out at the bar this weekend and I flashed back to the sex and freaked out, then told him I was gay and wasn't interested.

I still think I did what I had to do, though.

You're on your way to a fulfilling career!

H.H posted:

quote:
When I first started looking at porn in middle school I would be weirdly focused on looking at the guy's penis. Sorta like when you see someone without a leg or whatever you just can't look away. Anyway I started to worry I was gay so one day I looked up some gay porn just to check. It took me about .2 seconds of utter repulsion to figure out I wasn't gay and that was that.

I'm not gay guys!

# ? Aug 21, 2016 14:15

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

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