"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

«‹›72 »

God Of Paradise: Jan 23, 2012; You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

What's the big deal about pegging? Who loving cares? Hoes rock that prostate, and hoes get nekkid.

Do you exist in a 1950's world where taking a couple fingers up your butt from a girl who's blowing you will ruin you forever? Get over yourself. Nobody is going to give a poo poo, and if they do they aren't worth a drat anyway. They're either an idiot, or 16, or both.

# ? Aug 24, 2016 22:50

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 17, 2024 16:24

mbt: Aug 13, 2012

listen dude i have very messy bathroom habits and i dont want the person feeding me pizza rolls like im a roman emperor getting their fingers near my poophole

# ? Aug 24, 2016 23:30

Space Skeleton: Sep 28, 2004

Mortimer posted:

listen dude i have very messy bathroom habits and i dont want the person feeding me pizza rolls like im a roman emperor getting their fingers near my poophole

Get an enema kit, get nice and clean, and then do all the fun butt stuff.

# ? Aug 24, 2016 23:56

kaschei: Oct 25, 2005

make sure to rinse out the laxative stuff that comes with the enema kit though

# ? Aug 24, 2016 23:58

CharlestonJew: Jul 7, 2011; Illegal Hen

Guy with frigid wife have you tried masturbation? It's pretty cool

# ? Aug 25, 2016 01:02

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah, I bet he hasn't cum in a year. Buy a fleshlight and have your wife use it on you.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 02:01

Schlub Husband: Jan 13, 2008; *hic*; Lipstick Apathy

cock hero flux posted:

like this, don't listen to this guy

under no circumstances should you have a frank and open discussion with your wife about how you want to gently caress a hot 20-something you met at work

Not what I said. The point is there needs to be some sort of compromise because 'no sex forever' for the guy with the sex drive is not a workable solution. Nothing about any 20-something at work ever needs to come up.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 02:40

Carth Dookie: Jan 28, 2013

Menopause wife goon:

Assess your relationship with your wife and establish if the lack of sex is an emotional problem (for either of you) or a hormonal one for her.

If the lack of drive on her part is hormonal, explain that you still find her attractive and want to experience all aspects of a marriage, including physical intimacy, but don't want it in such a way as if she's taking one for the team. That's just depressing. Explain that you know her libido is lowered because of changes beyond her control, and ask if she'd consider seeing a doctor about it.

Check out testosterone therapy, it might help.

If she shuts you down completely well then good luck, you've got some tough choices ahead of you, none of them pleasant.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 03:08

Synthwave Crusader: Feb 13, 2011

Now if you're gonna be a dumbass and gently caress the 20-something, do it BEFORE you have that talk with your wife, because after you do she's gonna suspect you of cheating at the slightest misgiving.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 03:15

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

God Of Paradise posted:

Nobody is going to give a poo poo

I dunno, I can imagine some guys who will give a poo poo upon a finger going up their butthole.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 13:18

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I'm pretty sure that I saw a ghost (the same ghost) twice, and I've never told anyone because I don't want them to think I'm crazy or a liar. I'm not the kind of person that openly believes in the supernatural or religion or anything like that. It's not even that exciting of a story but it feels really weird to never talk about it.

In middle school my class went on a field trip to a nearby revolutionary war battleground, which was basically this road that went down a hill to a shallow spot on the Delaware river where people would cross in colonial times. There was a minor battle there where some revolutionaries, accompanied by Indians, planned to ambush the British while they crossed the river but ended up being flanked and wiped out by the British while lying in wait. There aren't any historical structures or anything there besides a stone monument, the battleground itself was just an overgrown dirt road that went down a hill through some woods and stopped at the edge of the river.

My class was walking on the path with a tour guide and our teachers, I was at the very back of the group when I heard a rustle in the woods behind us, off to the side of the road. I turned around and immediately locked eyes with what appeared to be a terrified Native American boy of about 11-12, which was my age at the time. He was maybe ten feet from me. My entire body went ice cold from head to toe. He broke eye contact with me, turned around, and ran into the woods. I remember as he ran away he crossed a small clearing where the sun penetrated the woods maybe 30-40 feet away, and when he leapt over a rock I saw his short braid of jet black hair flip up into the air, and noticed that he had no shirt on. He was moving real fast like this was something he did all the time. When he was out of the clearing and back into the woods on the other side I lost sight of him. All of this happened over maybe 5-10 seconds total.

I was startled, but at that time I hadn't thought that he was anything except some weird kid playing in the woods. I told my friend "some Indian kid was watching us from the woods and just ran away" and he laughed. I didn't really think about it much again for years.

Flash forward 12 years. I moved away, graduated college, got engaged, and was back at my folks house introducing them to their future daughter-in-law. With no provocation from me, while randomly surfing the internet my fiance says "Hey did you know that there is a revolutionary war battleground within walking distance? We should go check it out." I immediately thought of the Indian kid in the woods and how looking into his eyes made me feel freezing cold even in the heat of summer. I didn't say anything though.

We packed a lunch and walked to the battleground, hung out there for half the day walking along the river and just enjoying the beautiful wilderness. As we are leaving we start walking up the hill along the same dirt path that my class was on a dozen years before, my fiance is in front of me as we go up the hill and I hear the same rustling in the woods. I turn around and lock eyes with the same Indian kid I had seen when I was in 6th grade. He's still about 12 years old. He has the same terrified look on his face, his dark eyes opened as wide as they could go. My blood instantly feels like icewater. He turns and runs away exactly as he did before, and when he runs through the sunlit clearing in the woods I see him leap up and I see his braid flip into the air exactly the same way it had the first time. It was almost like a recording being played back.

I was deeply shaken, and my knees went weak. I had to sit down right there in the middle of the path. I couldn't make a sound, I was trying to call out to my fiance but no noise would come out of my mouth. She was still walking a little ahead along the path, oblivious. After a very short while she noticed that I wasn't with her and she turned around and saw me. She came running back and literally said that I looked like I saw a ghost because my face was totally drained of color. Of course I couldn't tell her that I was pretty sure that was exactly what had happened, so I blamed my weak knees on being exhausted and on drinking too much the night before. She doted over me for a few days but we never really talked about it again.

Still to this day I have never felt sheer terror like that, especially all at once. It hit me like a wave in the ocean. I don't know what I really saw, it may have been entirely in my head. This confession is literally the only time that I have put this story into writing, or even related it to anyone else in any way. Honestly the act of doing this seems wrong and harmful in some way but I think I have to do it.

I'm almost certain that if I went back to that same location I would see the ghost again. My mom still lives in that house near the battleground, but my dad passed away in 2013. Like I said I'm not religious but it is some comfort to think that maybe death wasn't the end of my dad's journey.

But also I think that maybe the Indian kid needs something from me, and that haunts me. I think about it a lot; that I should go back to that place again alone, or that I should pursue the kid into the woods this time. I wonder a lot if I'm the only person that has ever seen him. But the truth is that I am terribly, deeply scared of him and I am pretty sure that he feels the same way about me.

quote:

I suffer from a paranoic personality disorder. Didn't used to but do now. I'm consumed with the belief that there is something nefarious at the heart of all existence. There is never a time I feel that human life and conscious thought are anything more than valueless at best. Usually I view human life as an abberrant mistake gifted to parasites. I believe we are the self-perpetuation of nothing, growing like cancer cells that use up and destroy any environment we encounter. That destroy any life that is not a reflection of us. I believe our cancer is now spreading to the stars and if we do not seek the annihilation we deserve, our cancer will rise above this world and block out the sun.

This overwhelming sence of fatalism has created a beleif that there are puppeteers beyond our comprehension.

I watch the patterns. I see the sea-changes in our culture, our scientific discoveries and I fully believe that those with great power and wealth are attuned to, and guided by some sort of secret that if exposed, would do nothing but prove my hypothesis. This world is an slaughterhouse and those who understand the true nature of this failed experiment know that the has come for our lives to end. A shiva statue at Cern. Musk's madman mission to Mars. The upcoming terrorist attacks that will turn off the powergrids for major metropoliton areas. The rigged elections. The reporters that just turn up dead. The mock sacrifices at bohemian grove. No, I do not like Alex Jones.

The idea of adding anything to this world, but art that projects our doomed situation has lost all meaning to me. And since my mind has been pushed to this philosophical standpoint, I've quit reporting news where I won multiple awards for writing, started abusing xanax and downers, a lot of xanax and downers. I've stopped being able to sleep, or am sleeping abnormal normal hours. I've ceased being a functioning person capable of a life in the white collar job force, and traded that all in for the type of mindless physical work I enjoyed as a teenager. I've also started a punk band where I've drawn blood from punching myself onstage. I am over 30. I am angrier than ever but somehow keep it contained. I have more or less done the responsible thing for over a decade, and in disgust rejected it wholesale. Since my reemergence as a surly and paranoid teenager I've lost my medical coverage and began going to a charity and state funded physchiatrist.

Before whatever happened to my brain happened, I was a well educated professional who did comedy at night. loving comedy. My theory is I've had multiple concussions and about 200 hits of LSD, and whatever is wrong with my mind may stem from that. It is possible for neural side effects to happen years after I settled down, isn't it?

However, I am loved and capable of love, so I bottle these anxieties and opinions up for those around me.

My wife wants to bring a child into this. I contacted members of an antinatalist pessimist online community and asked their opinion. They said that those lucky enough to find love in this world, as most of them were not, than I should compromise if I feel my wife's needs are more important than my own. I do.

However, I did not mention to them that I was brutally beaten as a young child, and have woken up strangling a cat before I realized what I was doing and have a history of violence that includes biting off a stranger's nose when he attacked me outside of a bar.

My beliefs are that breeding is wrong on so many levels, and that compounds with the fears that I may become my pissant of a father.

These fears may be just that, paranoia, as I have lived with women who had children of their own in the past and was nothing but good to them. I've never been involved in a violent domestic dispute, and have steadily been in and out of monogamous sexual relationships since I was 15.

If you want something salacious as a teenager I stole a lot of cars and wrecked them in creative ways and committed other crimes of wanton pointless destruction of property including the arson of a baptist church. I've also sold drugs to former members of the Smiths, as well as George Clinton.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 13:25

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

There was also a "confession" where someone typed a bunch of angry words at the guy with the frigid menopause wife. This violated an anti-forum-drama confession rule, so to that anon I would like to say: just loving post in the thread. That's what it's for.

e: while I'm addressing non-posted confessors: would the person who keeps writing us tons of confessions please, please either stop doing that or switch up your guerrillamail session between confessions, because we can see which ones come from the same person and it's killing our immersion

And paranoid goon, (a) talk to your wife about your parenthood reservations and (b) :therapy:

. I know you probably don't see the point in therapy because we're all doomed for various vague reasons etc etc etc so think of it as trying to find some happiness on this earth in the time you have left before various vague things kill everyone. That seems to match up with your philosophy.

loquacius fucked around with this message at 13:32 on Aug 25, 2016

# ? Aug 25, 2016 13:30

buckets of buckets: Apr 8, 2012; CHECK OUT MY AWESOME POSTS
https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=114&perpage=40#post447051278

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3681373&pagenumber=91&perpage=40#post444280066

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3818944&pagenumber=196&perpage=40#post472627338

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3788178&pagenumber=405&perpage=40#post474195694

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3831643&pagenumber=5&perpage=40#post475694634

the ghost story is really good, the second one not so much

I advise returning to the woods dressed as a minuteman so the kid knows youre a friend

# ? Aug 25, 2016 13:37

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

loquacius posted:

old married work crush goon

Have you considered staying true to your wife? Contrary to what other goons might have you believe, it is possible to function without jamming your dick into vaginas. Do not tell your wife about your crush, do your best to avoid socially associating with your coworker, and just stop thinking your life and mind will unravel if you don't put the meat stick in the coveted moisture hole. Hell, if you want, you can even jack off once in a while!

# ? Aug 25, 2016 13:46

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah man! If you quit wanting a normal healthy sexual relationship with your wife then things seem pretty good!

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:08

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Sex is a perk of living, not a human right that trumps your marital vows.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:10

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

break up with your lovely wife already

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:13

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Can't she just suck your balls or let you jam it in her butt?

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:14

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

personally i'm hoping he's alraedy followed the advice of telling his wife that he wants to gently caress a younger coworker and we get a follow up confession

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:17

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Jose posted:

personally i'm hoping he's alraedy followed the advice of telling his wife that he wants to gently caress a younger coworker and we get a follow up confession

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:18

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

KomodoWagon posted:

Sex is a perk of living, not a human right that trumps your marital vows.

People have divorced over much dumber poo poo than whether they will ever experience intimacy again for the rest of their lives (the lack of which is a huge indicator of an unhealthy relationship btw)

He's under no obligation to stay in the marriage if he and his wife want different things out of it. They should still definitely try to dig deeper into why she doesn't want sex anymore before getting to that point of course.

I also don't really blame him for being tempted a bit after not getting laid for a literal year. He hasn't actually cheated yet, keep in mind.

(seriously where are you getting the idea that marriages can only be ended over human-rights violations :psyduck:

)

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:24

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

KomodoWagon posted:

Sex is a perk of living, not a human right that trumps your marital vows.

You can get a divorce due to not having regular sex. Are you talking about some sort of religious stuff?

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:30

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

loquacius posted:

People have divorced over much dumber poo poo than whether they will ever experience intimacy again for the rest of their lives (the lack of which is a huge indicator of an unhealthy relationship btw)

Sex and intimacy are the exact same thing, that's why you should feel closer to every prostitute you have boned than to even your closest friends (unless you've done dick stuff w/ your friends). You guys have all really figured out this interpersonal relationship stuff :wtc:

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:30

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

KomodoWagon posted:

Sex and intimacy are the exact same thing

thanks for this illuminating truth, poo poo might need to buy yourself some mountaintop land so you can sit there like the wise old person on top of a loving hill, waiting for someone to come and ask you about relationships.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:33

Docahedron: May 11, 2008; Im a special snowflake

Re: bus murdergoon

How the hell did the driver/anyone else not see you pushing your brother? (yes I know it's probably fake but hey)

Re: menopause wife goon

I do blame him for being tempted. Holy poo poo, get a fleshlight. Talk to your wife about it. People are loving idiots and can usually solve these types of problems by simply talking about them, not attempting to bang a coworker.

At least loving divorce her first, if you're so set on this coworker that you may not even have a chance with.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:34

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

I'm also distraught that we now know a lot of these are faked and sent in by one goon. WE TRUSTED YOU!

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

KomodoWagon posted:

Sex and intimacy are the exact same thing, that's why you should feel closer to every prostitute you have boned than to even your closest friends (unless you've done dick stuff w/ your friends). You guys have all really figured out this interpersonal relationship stuff

Yeah, that's exactly what I said, good catch

Docahedron posted:

I do blame him for being tempted. Holy poo poo, get a fleshlight. Talk to your wife about it. People are loving idiots and can usually solve these types of problems by simply talking about them, not attempting to bang a coworker.

At least loving divorce her first, if you're so set on this coworker that you may not even have a chance with.

Yeah, I realized while in the shower just now that I never made this viewpoint explicit:

Anon, your hot coworker is completely incidental to your real problem, which is that your marriage is in trouble. Her place in your mind is a symptom of that. Leave her out of it for now. Focus on your marriage. Try your best to fix it. If you find it is unfixable (and despite what people are saying, the question of whether you ever have sex with your wife again is something worth ending a marriage over), deal with that, and then maybe you can come back to your hot coworker afterward but probably still not because you'd both be rebounding. The point is that she has nothing to do with your problem.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:40

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

SneakyFrog posted:

thanks for this illuminating truth, poo poo might need to buy yourself some mountaintop land so you can sit there like the wise old person on top of a loving hill, waiting for someone to come and ask you about relationships.

I am already doing this but I should probably inform you before you come seeking my guidance at standard rates that what you are quoting is in fact not what I have argued for.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:44

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

KomodoWagon posted:

I am already doing this but I should probably inform you before you come seeking my guidance at standard rates that what you are quoting is in fact not what I have argued for.

oh.

well then i'll be the dumbass sage of mount dipshit then my apologies.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:45

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

KomodoWagon posted:

I am already doing this but I should probably inform you before you come seeking my guidance at standard rates that what you are quoting is in fact not what I have argued for.

Or what anyone has argued for for that matter

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:45

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Does sex feel good?

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:46

mbt: Aug 13, 2012

KomodoWagon posted:

Sex is a perk of living, not a human right that trumps your marital vows.

god drat it who bought his wife an sa account

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:52

God Of Paradise: Jan 23, 2012; You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

chitoryu12 posted:

I dunno, I can imagine some guys who will give a poo poo upon a finger going up their butthole.

Yeah, but can you imagine the type of adult man who would truly care if it came out that their friend liked women playing with his bunghole?

The worst case scenario is that pegging goon gets a buddy sending a joke or two aimed his way over a few beers. And if you can't accept that, wear a hat.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 14:58

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Zzulu posted:

Does sex feel good?

It's overrated. I'd recommend a quality RPG like Final Fantasy VII instead.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:00

Stunt_enby: Feb 6, 2010; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

P-Mack posted:

It's overrated. I'd recommend a quality RPG like Final Fantasy VII instead.

Video games are a great way to have fun, and enjoy things that are availible to you in life. Not only this, but the making of a game is an art form - by playing through, say, an RPG, you are treated to a grand story that is just overwhelmingly more fufilling than going out, loving some chick, hi-fiving yourself and calling it a night.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:03

God Of Paradise: Jan 23, 2012; You know, I'd be less worried about my 16 year old daughter dating a successful 40 year old cartoonist than dating a 16 year old loser.

I mean, Jesus, kid, at least date a motherfucker with abortion money and house to have sex at where your mother and I don't have to hear it. Also, if he treats her poorly, boom, that asshole's gonna catch a statch charge.

Please, John K. Date my daughter... Save her from dating smelly dropouts who wanna-be Soundcloud rappers.

Zzulu posted:

Does sex feel good?

The first few months with a partner, nothing's better. The first time with a partner doesn't count because it's usually awkward and stressful... After that it's well better than Mass Effect 3 but not as good as Mass Effect 2. Sex is about as good as the first Mass Effect.

Okay, that's a lie. It's better than Mr. Robot but not as good as Breaking Bad.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:04

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Its ok to get your rocks off (cheat) with a Fleshlight or something, but if its inside another attractive person that is WAY different! :psyduck:

Its the literal same thing, why does everyone or even his wife care where the sperm goes. Its already out the gate, why does it matter where it ends up? smdh.

Reiterating: Bone the 20 year old co worker or you'll regret it.

# ? Aug 25, 2016 15:07