shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Xen Tricks: Nov 4, 2010

WrenP-Complete posted:

poo poo that did happen - when I lived in NYC, two men tried to mug me. Martial arts training (aikido from grad school, so not very martial! and krav maga from my dad, very martial) kicked in and I broke one of the guys noses. I then shouted at them as they ran away and went up to my apartment and burst into tears.

I called 911 on myself thinking I had assaulted someone.

The 911 operator had to explain that the guys were trying to hurt me and I wasnt in any trouble. I apparently knew how to deal with the physical threat but not how to understand what had happened.

None of the shut in STDH writers grasp this concept at all, it seems. You know how you get shakey mad when your mom yells at you for leaving your onichan pillow in the living room again? Multiply that by 1000 when, you know, your life is in danger or you directly harm someone else.

All of those awful "I shot some mofo and I'm cool drat" stories belie a serious misunderstanding of human psychology. Fight or flight adrenaline rushes affect even well trained soldiers, and none of the people writing one of these for the Internet are exactly SpecOps masters.

I guess except Chris Kyle but he was a psychopath so :shrug:

# ? Aug 31, 2016 02:34

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# ? May 14, 2024 15:25

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I'm sorry to disappoint you further, but Tropers definitely brag about "I'm totally a self-diagnosed psychopath/sociopath" and it's as awful as you'd expect.

# ? Aug 31, 2016 04:41

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm sorry to disappoint you further, but Tropers definitely brag about "I'm totally a self-diagnosed psychopath/sociopath" and it's as awful as you'd expect.

Yes, and it's really from movies. Behaviors that are accepted there are downright criminal in life.
No, don't stab classmates, don't assault strangers. Don't feel good blur inflicting pain.
I don't even feel good after having heated argument with someone, let alone the times I've actually gotten into fights. The bragging about shooting another human being or brandishing a gun at the slightest motivation really shows how far they are from psychological normalcy.

# ? Aug 31, 2016 08:01

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

Like in the original, people just see a uniform or name tag and assume "Oh, they must work here". Even if the uniform is nothing like the one worn by the actual store employees. Usually when you tell them "Sorry, I don't work here" they get embarrassed and shuffle away, but some people will try to save face by doubling down and saying "Well you work in customer service anyway so you should be nice to me a customer and tell me where I find the loving beans" and chucking a hissy fit. That happens on NAR a lot more than it happens in real life though.

Oh, hell, I've been stopped in stores when I was nicely dressed, but NOTHING like an employee. For one reason or another, I might be dressed up and having to pick something up on the way home, and people might stop me and ask for help. I just usually nicely smile and explain "Sorry, I don't work here and never have. Looks like there might be someone over there though."

# ? Aug 31, 2016 11:22

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

The proliferation of rental labour leads to all sorts of problems with people not working where they're working. (Basically it's just poor orientation but if you're only renting a worker for a day, how much of that 7� hours are you going to spend orienting them?)

Also, any industrial plant with loads of contractors and sub-contractors because apparently blue is the only colour coveralls come in.

# ? Aug 31, 2016 11:56

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

# ? Aug 31, 2016 23:43

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Tunicate posted:

That bear has got to be related to the :frog:

frog

# ? Sep 1, 2016 00:14

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

sweeperbravo posted:

That bear has got to be related to the frog

# ? Sep 1, 2016 00:20

coffeecup: Feb 26, 2016

sweeperbravo posted:

That bear has got to be related to the frog

Sometimes I wonder what meme du jour Fragmaster would have used to banish Lowtax if there was no Porn Frog.

HEY LOWTAX...

...MANGOSTEEN YOU LATER

Think of all the emojis never emojied.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 04:15

RNG: Jul 9, 2009

Khazar-khum posted:

Thank you. When I see that Khazar-khum posted, I'm like, "this will be genuinely stupid and pointless."

# ? Sep 1, 2016 04:53

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

What a legacy he's building :v:

Tunicate posted:

There were a buncha those posted in the IoSM thread a while back. All also contained the weird "Disables", iirc even with the capital, though the accounts posting it had different names at least.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 08:52

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

RNG posted:

Thank you. When I see that Khazar-khum posted, I'm like, "this will be genuinely stupid and pointless."

Hey now. I resemble that remark.

And sometimes it's just stupid.

Like this:

Gear

quote:

This Troper heard a story about a friends father who, having recently received his driver's license, was given his father's sparkling new Mercedes, with automatic transmission. Having learned driving on a manual car, at autobahn speed he went through the motions of depressing the clutch and shifting into a higher gear. What actually happened was that he pressed the brake and shifted into reverse. Hilarity ensued.

Boss

quote:

The boss of one of ThisTroper's friends was in the US for some months. After he returned, he went to the company's garage, started the car...and just nearly slammed it into the wall in front. On the next day, his reaction wasn't that good unfortunately. Result: 1 totally crashed car, which my friend just washed two hours before.

Wine

quote:

Likewise, it is a common theory among students of foreign languages that having a couple of drinks before an oral exam helps you speak more fluently. This seems to have been borne out by this troper's own experience - it is surmised that, as well as dispelling nervousness about the exam, the alcohol helps to disinhibit the speaker from worrying too much about grammar. The foreign language spoken may well be less technically accurate, but will sound more fluent and less halting, which counts for a lot in oral examinations.
This troper's English professor actually heartily recommended the students to get a glass of wine before the oral exam for this purpose. And it worked, too. He did warn not to take three glasses, or more, though.
A friend of Da_Nuke, whose English when sober barely goes beyond saying "hello, how are you?" with a hideously thick accent, told a story about how he returned tanked to his home in Vancouver after getting lost. He asked for directions at a hotel... and it turned out his drunken English was actually functional.
In a similar note to the upper-level example, Da_Nuke's French teacher has told his students to drink a glass of whiskey before practicing their speech. (Of course, since this is an Alliance Fran�aise, drinking is forbidden and thus she makes her students yell instead).

Hedges

quote:

This troper got something of a reputation for balancing on a rail while getting steadily drunker, and although swaying sometimes wildly, didn't spill a drop. As soon as the glass was empty, I promptly toppled into the hedges. Later successfully fought off both neighbors after comments that probably wouldn't have been made between us if we weren't stupidly drunk.

Beard

quote:

I'm told that I was often mistaken for a girl as a baby, despite my parents' efforts to dress me in very boyish outfits to get the point across. I still am often called "ma'am" by telemarketers. And, yeah, I probably come off as kind of feminine on the internet as well due to some misguided idea that guys aren't supposed to be romantics. (Though I came off as quite a novelty item at my local Breaking Dawn midnight release party�a guy who wasn't dragged there by a girlfriend. It's a shame I didn't get any phone numbers while I was there...) I also have a fairly androgynous build�none of the typical masculine muscle, and the skin-and-bones build actually does create a slight curve to my hips. It is because of this that I absolutely refuse to shave now that I'm finally growing a decent beard.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 09:22

Strom Cuzewon: Jul 1, 2010

coffeecup posted:

Sometimes I wonder what meme du jour Fragmaster would have used to banish Lowtax if there was no Porn Frog.

HEY LOWTAX...

...MANGOSTEEN YOU LATER

Think of all the emojis never emojied.

How did Get Out end up associated with the porn frog?

# ? Sep 1, 2016 14:11

coffeecup: Feb 26, 2016

Fragmaster took Lowtax's position over for a year. Lowtax posted a thread with an explanation/goodbye. Fragmaster replied with a drawing of the frog's head on a human body, holding a gun. Frog said,

quote:

Lowtax... GET OUT

and thus our green friend was given new life and purpose.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 14:34

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

SneakyFrog posted:

Idk if you were really asking for the story, but just in case, the :frog:

comes from some picture a goon posted of a girl (who might have been the goon or the goon's gf) posed against a wall and showing her butt. Everything about it was normal for such a shot except in the side of the picture is this huge stuffed animal frog making that exact face, like looking self aware of the fact that it's in this picture meant to help people j/o.

Disables Bear looks similarly self-aware and disappointed in the course its life has taken.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 16:15

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Also I'm more concerned why that couple's furniture is made out of enormous pancakes

# ? Sep 1, 2016 16:16

Pastry of the Year: Apr 12, 2013

sweeperbravo posted:

Also I'm more concerned why that couple's furniture is made out of enormous pancakes

They're Like Likes :3:

# ? Sep 1, 2016 16:18

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

sweeperbravo posted:

Idk if you were really asking for the story, but just in case, the comes from some picture a goon posted of a girl (who might have been the goon or the goon's gf) posed against a wall and showing her butt. Everything about it was normal for such a shot except in the side of the picture is this huge stuffed animal frog making that exact face, like looking self aware of the fact that it's in this picture meant to help people j/o.

Disables Bear looks similarly self-aware and disappointed in the course its life has taken.

It was a literal porn shooting if I remember right. Like there's a video out there somewhere of some softcore posing and the frog was just on the side like "well then..."

# ? Sep 1, 2016 16:21

RillAkBea: Oct 11, 2008

Khazar-khum posted:

Gear

This story is incredibly stupid. Ignoring the fact that an automatic shifts literally nothing like a manual so it would be very difficult to mistake the two, the force with which you press a clutch in would produce some magnificently jarring braking at that speed at which point you would probably realize there was a problem before you proceed with the gear change. Secondly most modern automatic transmissions have an electronic lockout on the reverse gear so even if the guy did manage to ignore the extreme deceleration and keep control of the car, shifting it into reverse would do nothing as the transmission computer would refuse to engage reverse gear.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 16:35

hogmartin: Mar 27, 2007

RillAkBea posted:

This story is incredibly stupid. Ignoring the fact that an automatic shifts literally nothing like a manual so it would be very difficult to mistake the two, the force with which you press a clutch in would produce some magnificently jarring braking at that speed at which point you would probably realize there was a problem before you proceed with the gear change.

I once rented a Jetta automatic with the flippy shift notch on the selector and was having some fun with it since I'd never used one of those before. A light turned yellow up ahead so I instinctively "clutched" on the brake to go to neutral and yeah, it's pretty much like you said, whiplashy "ok, this is not right, just let go of everything but the wheel and reevaluate".

Ever since, I drive rentals strictly in automatic mode because I can't be trusted not to get into manual mindset if I use the up/down automanual gadget.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 16:53

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

sweeperbravo posted:

Idk if you were really asking for the story, but just in case, the comes from some picture a goon posted of a girl (who might have been the goon or the goon's gf) posed against a wall and showing her butt. Everything about it was normal for such a shot except in the side of the picture is this huge stuffed animal frog making that exact face, like looking self aware of the fact that it's in this picture meant to help people j/o.

Disables Bear looks similarly self-aware and disappointed in the course its life has taken.

nah more your fanfic about the bear. I use the :frog:

way too often

# ? Sep 1, 2016 17:17

Furia: Jul 26, 2015; Grimey Drawer

SneakyFrog posted:

nah more your fanfic about the bear. I use the way too often

The

extended universe

# ? Sep 1, 2016 17:21

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

Furia posted:

The extended universe

i like to call those "days when I wear pants"

# ? Sep 1, 2016 17:22

Ytlaya: Nov 13, 2005

Khazar-khum posted:

Gear

quote:
This Troper heard a story about a friends father who, having recently received his driver's license, was given his father's sparkling new Mercedes, with automatic transmission. Having learned driving on a manual car, at autobahn speed he went through the motions of depressing the clutch and shifting into a higher gear. What actually happened was that he pressed the brake and shifted into reverse. Hilarity ensued.

What I like about some of these Troper tales is that, if you realistically imagine them happening, they become pretty funny (though not for the reasons the Troper thinks). In this case, the mental image of some guy loving up and making the car suddenly violently break (which would actually be kind of scary, especially if you were a passenger since you wouldn't know what the driver did) and then everyone in the car just uproariously laughing is so bizarre it becomes funny. I can't imagine a single interpretation of that situation where it would be normal for people to start laughing.

quote:

Hedges

quote:
This troper got something of a reputation for balancing on a rail while getting steadily drunker, and although swaying sometimes wildly, didn't spill a drop. As soon as the glass was empty, I promptly toppled into the hedges. Later successfully fought off both neighbors after comments that probably wouldn't have been made between us if we weren't stupidly drunk.

I also like how this one just tells us that the writer is a gently caress-up who is a belligerent drunk.

# ? Sep 1, 2016 17:46

WrenP-Complete: Jul 27, 2012

Ytlaya posted:

What I like about some of these Troper tales is that, if you realistically imagine them happening, they become pretty funny (though not for the reasons the Troper thinks). In this case, the mental image of some guy loving up and making the car suddenly violently break (which would actually be kind of scary, especially if you were a passenger since you wouldn't know what the driver did) and then everyone in the car just uproariously laughing is so bizarre it becomes funny. I can't imagine a single interpretation of that situation where it would be normal for people to start laughing.

I thought it meant "when we told the story, hilarity ensued" or "it's hilarious to look back on these events" not "then everyone laughed after they had been thrown around by a car and bad driving."

# ? Sep 1, 2016 18:33

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Ytlaya posted:

What I like about some of these Troper tales is that, if you realistically imagine them happening, they become pretty funny (though not for the reasons the Troper thinks). In this case, the mental image of some guy loving up and making the car suddenly violently break (which would actually be kind of scary, especially if you were a passenger since you wouldn't know what the driver did) and then everyone in the car just uproariously laughing is so bizarre it becomes funny. I can't imagine a single interpretation of that situation where it would be normal for people to start laughing.

Hysterical laughter for surviving with a maniac at the wheel.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 09:49

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Furia posted:

It was a literal porn shooting if I remember right. Like there's a video out there somewhere of some softcore posing and the frog was just on the side like "well then..."

The girl went by "Next Door Nicky." Yes, I remember. Yes, I'm ashamed that I remember.

# ? Sep 2, 2016 14:20

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

# ? Sep 3, 2016 02:52

Equeen: Oct 29, 2011; Pole dance~

puck puck goose posted:

The "and everybody clapped!" ending felt forced as gently caress, even by stdh standards.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 04:09

BgRdMchne: Oct 31, 2011

puck puck goose posted:

Are we sure that's not just a bad TV script?

# ? Sep 3, 2016 04:16

3D Megadoodoo: Nov 25, 2010

puck puck goose posted:

Too bad the case will be thrown out because she only showed her badge to the poo poo-happenee.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 14:25

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:19

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Give A Dog A Bad Name
Portland, ME, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry

(I work in a small department store that also sells cigarettes. A regular customer comes in with his dog. We�re generally pet-friendly and just assume any dog brought in is a service dog. The man comes to the register with a couple of items and asks for a pack of cigarettes. While he is standing at my register a black woman comes in. The dog goes crazy, barking at her, and she dashes behind my register and hides behind me.)

Me: �Sir, we�re a pet friendly establishment, but if your dog is going to bark at customers, I�m going to have to ask you not to bring him in anymore.�

(The man is beet-red in the face and looks livid, but he doesn�t say a word as he takes his stuff and leaves. Less than twenty minutes later he comes back.)

Customer: �I want the items you stole!�

Me: �Sir, I didn�t take anything.�

Customer: *brandishing his receipt* �I bought candles, and they weren�t in my bag; I want them now. And another thing, my dog is a service dog. I�m a d*** vet and I fought overseas so that [racial slur] can f***ing live here and go [makes rude sounds mimicking ululating] all over the place.�

Me: �Sir, please calm down.�

Customer: �You f***ing n*****-lover! That was a service dog; I can bring him anywhere I f***ing want!�

Me: �Sir, service dogs are allowed in any public place, but if they cause a disturbance we are well within our legal right to refuse them entrance.�

(At this point he�s come around the counter at me and is leering over me. My coworker, a young black man, has to come step in between the man and me.)

Coworker: �I�m going to have to ask you to leave or I�m going to call the police.�

Customer: *string of profanities and racial slurs*

(Finally we get him to leave with further threats of calling the police. Not twenty minutes later however he comes back in demanding the candles I supposedly stole.)

Me: �Wait right here by the door. I�ll get them.�

(While I go to grab the candles he proceeds to yell at all the patrons in the store to watch their bags and check their receipts because we are �dishonest n*****-lovers who steal.� I hand him his candles.)

Customer: �F*** you, b****; enjoy your African store!�

Coworker: �We will; thank you.�

(He left. However, my manager refused to allow us to ban him from the store, and I had to deal with him twice more before I resigned.)

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:07

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

I think the most offensive part of the story is that a grown-rear end woman would "dash behind a register" to hide behind the cashier. All of these stories read like someone who has no idea how actual humans behave.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:20

Xen Tricks: Nov 4, 2010

puck puck goose posted:

Ugh, this is the skeeviest kind of STDH poo poo. "I need to make a funny tweet, how can I fake a paper about two children dating??? Gotta make sure to fold it a lot for realism"

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:36

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Tunicate posted:

poo poo I can't make up my mind between

stdh.txt : [makes rude sounds mimicking ululating]

and

stdh.txt: *string of profanities and racial slurs*

# ? Sep 3, 2016 18:45

tacodaemon: Nov 27, 2006

I'm happy as long as I can fist-bump these hoes

# ? Sep 3, 2016 19:53

Doctor_Acula: May 24, 2011

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:59

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Doctor_Acula posted:

That's up there with that story that ended with "and then my 8 year old and her friend spent the next 20 minutes talking about consent"

# ? Sep 4, 2016 05:08

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# ? May 14, 2024 15:25

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

What's the message there? That a black woman would be revolutionary, as though that is a progressive stance to have?

# ? Sep 4, 2016 07:18

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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