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SALEM'S LOT- a quiet rural town experiences a horrific surge in housing prices after an affluent gay millenial moves into town and begins "improving" the neighborhood. At first, there is fierce resistance, but one by one the town's residents join the newcomer and soon it is overrun with hipsters.
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Nov 4, 2016 16:03
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du -hast posted:War and Peace: On a long bender, the author challenges his imaginary friend to a contest of how many words could be used in the book and the most boring way. While the title has War in it the title there is, in fact, no combat, and the book you might say is a peace of poo poo gently caress you, there's plenty of combat on War and Peace. Even in the very first book. Plus, Tolstoi used to serve in artillery, and it really shows.
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Nov 4, 2016 16:14
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Paladinus posted:gently caress you, there's plenty of combat on War and Peace. Even in the very first book. Plus, Tolstoi used to serve in artillery, and it really shows. :-[
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Nov 4, 2016 16:33
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Candide: A sheltered, naieve young man becomes catfished and scammed by Nigerians Young Werther's Sorrows: A heart-broken sod writes pathetic tumblr posts and eventually becomes an hero Oronooko: The heir to Herman Caine's pizza empire gets framed and is forced to take up life in a Detroit slum, where he becomes the leader of a local BLM movement, then gets shot by the cops anyway The Iliad: A bright young army officer is sent to some pointless siege in the Middle-East and gets sniped in combat. He's also gay for his buddy, who dies. Othello: An r/coontown poster tricks his much more successful, black coworker into believing he is being cucked. He murders his wife. du -hast posted:The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: A comfortable allegory for modern day Europe as immigrants slow storm the EU demanding entertainment and welfare faster than the union can expand, until its eventual collapse. Also the flag is replaced with the star and crescent. Racists in Europe have unironically claimed this parallel already. Also, the Roman Empire did not fall due to "barbarian hordes". In fact, it would have collapsed earlier were it not for the work of the Germanic foederati who fought on behalf of the Empire and repopulated some areas that had seen a massive exodus of war refugees. The reasons the Western Roman Empire fell have lots of economic and environmental components as well.
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Nov 4, 2016 17:41
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The Bible - A woman drinks so much coffee and eats so much chocolate that the environment just goes to hell in a handbasket but it's okay in the end because a righteous man paid for it
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Nov 4, 2016 19:48
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glowstick party tonight posted:The Bible - A woman drinks so much coffee and eats so much chocolate that the environment just goes to hell in a handbasket but it's okay in the end because a righteous man paid for it glowstick party tonight posted:The Bible - A woman drinks so much coffee and eats so much chocolate that the environment just goes to hell in a handbasket but it's okay in the end because a righteous man paid for it the bible. A hipster has a psychidelic epiphany at burning man. Becomes unironic revolutionary and is executed after a botched bank robbery
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Nov 4, 2016 21:35
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The Qoran: A man who read too many right-wing conspiracy web sites decides to start his own.
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Nov 5, 2016 10:33
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Bridge of Birds An alcoholic man and his retarded escort learn to swim. American Psycho Limp wristed sadism towards the homeless, Trump 2016 Mort d'Artur Strange women lying in ponds and distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Also no one has read the entire book. The Turner Diaries A racist screed written by Ben Garrison. Involves a mortar.
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Nov 5, 2016 13:24
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Trainspotting A Scottish man extracts items from a toilet and returns them to his anus. Also has a potato as a significant character. Requiem for a Dream Incomprehensible heroin addled writing style, in which a hot chick, a white guy, and a negro have a heroin fueled gangbang until the aforementioned chick does a double dildo action. Also includes a highly Jewish mother and constant relocation of a television.
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Nov 5, 2016 13:28
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Uncle Tom's Cabin Inspired racism for the next 150 years. He was "one of the good ones". Leviathan Wakes Garbage. Just garbage.
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Nov 5, 2016 13:28
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The Hunger Games Extremely attractive main character gets creampied for two burnt loafs of bread and spends a lot of time looking for cheat codes
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Nov 5, 2016 13:30
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Known and Unknown: A Memoir: An old man justifies genocide while also providing helpful life tips known as Rumfeld's Rules, a collection of dad jokes packed into a delightfully jingoistic near-novel. Pale Fire: A Russian Aatrek starts a race with himself as to whether he could write this disturbing poem before the vodka annihilated his brain. Also very difficult to read on Kindle. The Kite Runner A young man spends time at Aatreks house getting religious instruction, before flying a kite with TNT on it into the twin towers. The Things We Carried: Despite its name, this novel does not involve cargo relocation, etc, so do not believe the title. A white man spends a lot of time ranting about stars and grenades to a man named Kehoe Waiting For Godot: The line at the Los Angeles DMV The Joy Luck Club A disjointed history of the Chinese people and their superiority to gwilo
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Nov 5, 2016 13:37
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The Bible Jesus Christ!
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Nov 5, 2016 13:42
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A Streetcar Named Desire: A man rapes an insane woman who is then transferred back to the hospital. No charges are filed.
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Nov 5, 2016 13:45
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Fahrenheit 451 A man learns to read, causing his wife to commit suicide. The protagonist loves fire so much that he is blinded by the nuclear weapons at the end of the book and ends up dying of radiation poisoning shortly after. The Invisible Man: A negro shaman writes a cryptic book about how he has learned the Level2 "Spell of Invisibility". Also contains various incoherent rants. Cujo: 
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Nov 5, 2016 13:49
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Journey to the Center of the Earth Icelandic thieves hide Deutchbank bonds in a cave.
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Nov 5, 2016 13:51
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Crime and Punishment - Poster thinks he's the literary equivalent of Jamoke, decides to prove it by spamming funny poo poo, ends up shitposting instead.
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Nov 5, 2016 14:06
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du -hast posted:The Bible Jesus Christ!
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Nov 5, 2016 14:26
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The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: The semitie gets engaged to an older woman. They go to check out plots at the graveyard but end up finding a two men digging up corpses to commit horrific sexual acts. Bewildered they storm into a haunted house. Also somehow he convinces idiots to paint a fence. A Confederate of Dunces: The earliest book to include masturbating into a condom. A goon finds himself eating hot dogs out of a cart with severe social anxiety and heartburn. Also includes a black man who cleans floors while chain smoking, and a guy named Robichaux who gets drunk with a bunch of old ladies and rants about communists. In the end, the Marxist Leninist Party takes over New Orleans and seizes the means of production.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:15
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The Old Man and the Sea: A telling allegory for the financial crash of 2008-2009. An old man hooks a fish and its a nice big one, but eventually smaller fish and bottom feeders come to steal his wealth. Also a great book for morons as no sentence is more than 4 letters long. In the end the man realizes that he could have grabbed the fish and put it in the boat, and kills himself out of shame. For Whom the Bell Tolls: A bunch of Mexicans are fighting over who should be boss while presenting the civil war in a depressing but interesting way. It tolls for thee
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Nov 5, 2016 15:19
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In Search Of Lost Time: An autistic Frenchman discovers methamphetamine and becomes slowly more incoherent after several thousands of pages in multiple books, which include such themes as peons being miserable, being filthy at all times, and living in complete misery and dark. I don't know that I would recommend it for goons as it might hit too close to home, especially the "ephebophilia" in the last books.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:22
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Peter Pan: A boy who can fly and never grows up collects mad cash from the registered sex offenders in the neighborhood.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:23
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On The Road: A book that everyone claims to read but never has. Alternate title: loving MILLENIALS
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Nov 5, 2016 15:25
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Heart of Darkness: hyper competent bow-using 12 year olds band together to venture into the heart of an old god and vanquish it once and for all
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Nov 5, 2016 15:26
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Angela's Ashes: An alcoholic man has everyone die around him. Eventually Angela is sent to Auschwitz (free train ride) and is gassed and cremated. The alcoholic man sighs and turns back to his beer and YOSPOS.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:26
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THE PWNER posted:Heart of Darkness: hyper competent bow-using 12 year olds band together to venture into the heart of an old god and vanquish it once and for all 
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Nov 5, 2016 15:27
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Heart of Darkness A white man going into a KFC in Compton at 11PM.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:27
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Death of a Salesman: A Wal-Mart employee dies of an easily curable disease since he has no health insurance and no savings. He is replaced and forgotten the next day. A guy named Biff also attends a funeral, but is kicked out for his stupid loving name.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:32
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The Crucible: Ted Cruz' first 100 days in office.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:35
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Catch-22: Australia catches 22 refugees and throws them in a concentration camp
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Nov 5, 2016 15:38
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The Secret Garden A memoir of Joseph Fritzl told in his own words.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:51
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The Voyage of the Beagle: A self proclaimed genius declares black people, in fact, of a different species, and collects hundreds of them to return to the plantations in Virginia for an easy buck.
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Nov 5, 2016 15:58
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The Bible: a book that outlines acceptable fashion for contemporary males https://www.google.com.au/search?q=generic+hipster+male
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Nov 5, 2016 15:58
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Voyage of the Damned: middle-class white people on vacation in any non english-speaking country
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Nov 5, 2016 16:02
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my dad posted:Crime and Punishment - Poster thinks he's the literary equivalent of Jamoke, decides to prove it by spamming funny poo poo, ends up shitposting instead. This is such a topical summary, relevant to our modern times.
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Nov 5, 2016 16:25
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A Boy and His Dog A young man accidentally walks into the bad part of Detroit. The dog does not help.
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Nov 5, 2016 16:28
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Lord of the Rings: Nine hundred pages of descriptions of the plants and what Frodo & the gang had for breakfast. Approximately 10 pages of cool stuff and battles. Major plot hole and BOREamir is a good name for it  .
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Nov 5, 2016 16:31
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Way of the World A bunch of assholes meet each other at an orgy and one of the assholes is in love with a 17-year old. The Last Man CNN tries to make a darker, more serious reflection of Shelley's apocalyptic story as an answer to FOX's hilarious comedy romp. Neuromancer A Bitcoin user goes on the forbidden Deep Web. The climax is when he Buys a waifu. The Demolished Man It turns out that having telepathy just means that some know how disgusting most people are, and telepaths decide to create a commune away from normal people. Playing on the phrase "to read your mind" the telepaths name their commune Reddit, but due to the fact that stronger telepaths can read weaker telepath's minds Reddit becomes a giant echo chamber.
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Nov 5, 2016 16:32
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The Hobbit 
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Nov 5, 2016 16:35
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The Passion: passion explored through the unlikely bond between three individuals: an otaku, a goon who moved to china because he couldn't get laid back home, and a loving girl whos only interested in harry potter despite being loving 30 years old now
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Nov 5, 2016 16:36
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