loquacius posted:

Hockey Goon

new phone who dis posted:

As long as everyone is cool with it it's fine of you feel up your girlfriend in your sleep.

Solice Kirsk posted:

I get that guys concern.

I have a similar problem, but mine is if someone walks into my room when I'm sleeping or is there when I wake up, but wasn't when I fell asleep, I attack them. I've stopped myself before hurting someone every time so far, but I know there's gonna be that one time I punch a girlfriend in the head and then I'm gonna be "that guy."

Solice Kirsk posted:

Can't. They'll just tell me there's something wrong with me.

Rumda posted:

Solice Kirsk posted:

Can't. They'll just tell me there's something wrong with me.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Yeah, I know thats not how it works, but its not a problem that comes up very often and its not something I actively worry about. Hasn't happened in years honestly. I'm just saying I get why that guy is nervous because its something that happens when he's not in control of himself. I'd empathize the same way with someone that turns into a werewolf, for instance.

Sjs00 posted:

Handcuff yourself when you sleep then

quote:

I'm not sure if you're still checking this and posting, but just in case, here's mine. For background, I'm a 32 year old guy with a decent career, but I have no friends and have never had sex or even been on a date or kissed anyone in my life. I don't want to say exactly when this happened in the unlikely event that an internet detective wants to find who I am, but not too long ago I attended a work related conference in Thailand. For weeks I researched and fantasized about getting a prostitute there and finally losing my virginity. Even more pathetically, I had plans to ask her to come back with me and marry me in exchange for a greencard if we got along well enough. I had about 20,000 dollars in savings I was willing to part with in case she had a pimp or something I'd have to buy her from, plus travel costs.

So, I arrive in Thailand, give my talk the first day there and hit the streets that night to see what I could find. I quickly met a beautiful girl in the first bar I went to, basically the exact face and body type I had fantasized about. She could tell I was nervous, I could barely even hold a conversation, but eventually we head to her room. She gave me a price of 2000 baht (roughly 60 USD). I handed her 5000 because I thought that would guarantee a better time. She acts confused and tries to give it back and I try to explain it's a tip. Eventually she just shrugs and puts it in her bag and tells me to get undressed and heads to the bathroom to do the same I guess.

I get naked and lay on the bed. When she comes out and sees me I can see a look of revulsion she failed to hide enough. To the surprise of probably nobody, I am quite obese and very hairy. She manages to go back to her professional face and gets in bed. She starts doing her thing, but all I can think of is that disgusted look she gave me and I can't get hard, at all. After like 5 minutes of that she says "whats wrong? you gay?" and I decided I needed to get out. I said sorry and started putting my clothes back on while she keeps asking me what's wrong. I started to cry a little and kept saying I'm sorry and gave her another 2000 baht which made her even more confused. She followed me out and started getting kind of mad and calling me names, mostly accusing me of being gay. I spent the rest of the trip holed up in my hotel room drinking.

Anyway that's my confession of the time I paid a Thai prostitute about 200 dollars for 10 minutes of humiliation and an unsuccessful handjob while getting called a "big gay baby".

quote:

Sleep molesting guy here again. To clarify, apparently whenever I "molest" my gf I grope and dry hump her for a while, then I just abruptly stop after a while and fall right back to sleep. It's really weird

cyberia posted:

Years ago I read a book that talked about how there's an entire subset of men who are sexually attracted to other men but have no desire to be in relationships or are even repulsed by their own homosexual desires. I can't remember what it was called but I found a HuffPo article about the same sort of phenomena.

So don't stress too much about having experimented with and enjoyed male sexual partners but if the self-loathing / urge to punch dudes in the face after they blow you persists maybe see a therapist?

hth posted:

quote:

Sorry this is a rant and a confession together.

I never really thought I should get married to my wife (soon to be ex). I did it for several reasons that didn't include because I thought we should be together for the rest of our lives. When dating there were several times if poo poo didn't go the way she wanted it to go, then there was a fight or an argument triggered by her. These arguments were batshit crazy, her eyes would pop out of her head and I"d hear for an hour how lovely of a person I was I'd also hear how stupid I was while she ranted and raved and went insane for that time.

She was lazy, in our 10 years together she's probably worked a full 1 year of that, while we had kids (More later) together and I understand that she was taking care of the kids during the day, I was working 2 jobs at times for about 2.5 years while she worked 0. When she did have an idea for a way to make money from home I'd help her, I'd build a website, update it and told her the only thing she needed to do was promote it on forums etc, and write articles and get her name out there; this was always too much work and 3 months later she'd be on to the next thing because surprise.. money didn't just come rolling in.

She was terrible with money; when we didn't have much we both sacrificed towards our child. When I started making decent money it felt like it was a race to spend the money. If I wanted to buy clothes, I'd go right after work on payday, because I knew she'd be stopping at the clothing store, or the beauty supply store, or the salon to spend a few hundred bucks. I then wouldn't buy clothes or anything for myself because I wanted to make sure that we had enough money. Even now I expect that when school tuition comes out on Monday her account will be overdrawn by a few hundred dollars because since last payday (support and alimony gets direct deposited) she dropped ~450 on Haircuts, clothes, and beauty supplies.

She was still a terrible and selfish person (again also lazy). I worked a full time job, she was a stay at home mom and 40-60% of the time, I came home and cooked dinner after working a full time job. 90% of the time I did dishes, 98% of the time I put the kids to bed and read and sat up with them. On the weekends EVERY WEEKEND she'd sleep till 10-11am, I was up at 7 with the kids, wake up and have a cup of coffee, maybe we'd talk, maybe she just wanted to be left alone, then 2 hours of shower and getting ready and shopping. She'd come home at 4 from shopping, and either sit down and do nothing and it was a waiting game to see if Dinner was going to be made (I'd usually do it so I lost). Then I'd do dishes and put the kids to bed. I was always made to feel like I didn't do enough, when in reality I did 80% of the housework, home repairs, cleaning etc, on top of working a full time job.

The kids: Please don't take any of this out of context I still love each and everyone of my children and don't regret anything.
I wanted kids, and I thought (stupidly ) that it would make our relationship work, and I really deeply just wanted to make her happy. We had one child not too long after we were married, I wanted to wait a bit. The second child I wasn't ready for, I needed our relationship to be fixed first, but she wanted another one, and went after it in a poo poo way. One night while watching a movie she climbed on top of me and started riding me. I told her hold on I wanted to get protection (Didn't want to risk having a child) but she gave a few more pumps so that I'd finish then said sorry. Personally I think she knew exactly what she was doing. our third child was unexpected by both of us.

Confession
I married her because:
1. she was a pretty attractive woman (Until she let herself go) that for the most part wanted to spend time with me and I was never good at dating.
2. I felt guilty because I had her get an abortion and I felt I owed it to her to have a relationship
3. I had a deep seated need to be liked, I wanted her so badly to like me and be okay with me, I wanted to prove I was a good person and that she was wrong about me.

I was to afraid to get divorced because I was afraid of how nasty she'd get, and that I was then not going to see my kids on a daily basis.


Don't be like me goons, be 100% secure in your relationship and marriage, and fully understand your partner or because it doesn't get any easier or better. I learned a lot about what I want in a relationship, about myself (Be careful of following that need to be liked, and say gently caress you if you don't like a person), and came out stronger and I'm 100% put together and ready to face life happier than I've been in 10 years.

Personally I hope she finds someone who is as bad to her as she says I was to her.

I also feel like she's an evil evil person, she planned on marrying me because I'd support her and do it all. She wanted kids with me so she could lock me in. She planned this divorce for awhile, making sure we bought a house that she liked so she could try and keep it, making sure that she had bought clothes, and started working on looking better so she could jump to another guy. She plays the victim, and my mindset on life doesn't let me think there are people this evil.. but In the back of my head I still think she planned everything as an evil evil person and I got hosed over hardcore.

quote:

Will try to keep this short and to the point. Five years ago and two years into our marriage my wife told me during a fight that I was bad in bed and that she's had "so much better." She's said a bunch of other terrible poo poo about our sex life but I don't remember the details. At first I wrote it off as her slinging poo poo because she was mad at me for going out and drinking with some old friends. But after a few months what she said started to eat away at me because when we started dating she claimed she had only been with 3 other guys.

Time passes and we have our first kid. More time passes to bring us to about a year ago and she gets pregnant with our second child. When women are pregnant they tend to sleep a lot and one night she fell asleep really early and left her computer and phone open. The ever burning thought about what she had said was still in the back of my mind and I went through her computer to find something. I found she was logged into a gmail account I had never seen before. It took exactly 5 minutes of digging to find out that during college she was a prostitute on craigslist/adult friend finder and this was the email account she used to contact Johns. Judging by the huge volume of email she had easily slept with hundreds if not thousands of men. There were recent emails from guys asking if she was still around but it looks like she stopped responding to anyone a few months before we started dating. I'd guess she still looks at it to feel good about herself? Going back further in her email there was a ton of depraved stuff like scheduling gang bangs, unprotected anal , etc. At one point a few years ago I saw an amateur video on xvideos with a girl that looked like her getting a train run on her at a frat party (she's a small asian woman with a unique birthmark.) Now I'm quite certain it was her. When we've had sex she only wants missionary, lights off, no oral/anal.

I haven't confronted her (and it's been a year) but it eats me up inside. I can't confront her because I know it'll end the relationship and she'll take me to the cleaners in divorce court. She's said if I cheat on her I'll never see the kids again and I know she's serious enough to make that extend to any form of the relationship that ends. My kids are my world and I've been plotting to flee the country with our children and ghost her completely. I've already dissolved and re-established the company I own in Tallinn in Estonia to take advantage of their residency/citizenship program in secrecy. I've been siphoning off tons of money into bitcoin or cash to help hire a nanny and take care of life once we're there. I took us on a family holiday to Toronto recently to get the kids their passports. I'm hoping in the next few months she'll take a girls weekend and I can be done with her forever.

Anyway goons, don't get married or have kids!

quote:

Follow up from Jock Itch Goon:

Hello Goons,

Thanks for the advice. I just wanted to let everyone know that after a month of over the counter anti-fungals I am jock itch free for the first time in memory. It is nice. Call this one a goon success story. BTW jock itch does not make you grow mushrooms on your testicles you daffy bastards.

Cheers.

quote:

So one day when my son is five, there is this huge storm hyped up on the news and it was all the children at school were talking about. My son was in kindergarten and he's very sensitive, so he came home a few days before this huge storm is supposed to hit and he had an absolute meltdown about it. Crying, screaming, had to be held and coddled, and no amount of reasoning would assure him that we would be all right, that this storm wasn't a mile-wide tornado like he'd seen on tv or whatever. We do live in a heavily wooded area, though, and the power was almost certain to go out. I didn't have anything stocked up and was annoyed with myself for putting it off, because now I had this hysterical child in my arms and no non-perishables in the house and we needed to go to the store in the next few hours because the storm was supposed to start that night. I tried to tell him that we needed to get supplies so we could be prepared for the power to go out, but that upset him even more. He thought we were going to get sucked up by a tornado and blown to bits.

I've always been someone who tries to be very rational and think through things. When I was little I got over my fear of monsters in the closet by assuring myself there was nothing there in the dark that wasn't in the light. But as I was looking down at my son with tears on his face I had a completely crazy idea, the sort of thing I told myself I would never do to my child: I lied.

You have to understand my husband and I never even told him about Santa Claus, just let him get the idea and then never confirmed it. By the age of three he knew there was no Santa. He had a vague idea of God, and was very open to spiritual things, which surprised me, sort of, but then it makes total sense because he is human with a human brain. I didn't want him to believe I would lie to him, though.

But this time he couldn't calm down and couldn't calm down and I am a writer by trade and I realized that he just needed a new story to tell himself. So I let him think I was a witch.

I told him I knew a spell to keep the storm away. He immediately calmed down and looked at me in wonder. I told him he could do it with me and we would keep our house safe and the storm wouldn't be as bad as everyone said it was going to be, and that we would all be fine. He seemed a little skeptical about it, but he was game. So I took a knife from the kitchen and went out into the back yard. I pointed at the southwest corner of the back yard and I said, "The storm's coming up from that way, so we have to put the blade of the knife in the ground facing the storm. That way the knife will cut the storm in two and it will part and go around the house and we'll be safe."

I stuck the knife in the ground, tied some pine needles to it, and drew a circle. I said three times: "O great storm, pass us by, pass us by, pass us by." Then I clapped my hands, told him it was done, and that now we should go get supplies. He got excited, and off we went to the store to buy mac and cheese and little treats and stuff.

This was a few weeks ago. That storm turned out to be the Great Seattle Storm of 2016. You know, the one that ended up being less than a goat fart? That storm.

The worst thing that happened was our power went out, and we had a sleep-over in the basement so that the wind wouldn't scare us. Also we do have trees around our house and had to replace our back deck last year thanks to the huge maple tree right next to my son's room losing a huge branch and smashing poo poo up. So it really was safer down there.

Anyway we had a blast and now my son thinks I'm a witch. I feel bad lying to him, but my confession is that I really, truly want to keep up the charade, because I'm basically a witch out of Terry Pratchett now and just a little childhood magic would go a long way toward calming his irrational fears.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Teaching your child that knives solve problems is a slippery slope. Look at the UK! It's like knife crime island over the!

quote:

I'm a 20 year old goon with a degree in "MARKETING AND MANAGEMENT" and I loving regret it so much. It's a poo poo defree, I can't get a job because I don't have any job experience and my old asian parents won't let me get a low income job because I would throw their face or some bullshit.

On another note, dog shooting confession on page 1 made me sad

quote:

I'm the tranny that confessed a long while ago about being massively turned on by and kind obsessed with he idea of a gangbang since reading that weird thread about some goon going to one.

Well my confession this time is that I'm going through with it, I've got 11 guys coming to gently caress me and 2 who are just coming to help organise things (already had more than one 3some with them)

The weirdest part is that even though I should probably be scared about STIs and the likes, my biggest fear is one of them wanting to touch my dick in some way.

quote:

I'm a troon. While I think the autogynephilia theory is bullshit, I confess that I always feel a little thrill when I buy women's underwear. But that's not reason I buy it: I do because it's the only kind of underwear that can hold my massive dong in place

loquacius posted:

Only got one in the queue, H.H was an efficient weekend poster. (Thanks, H.H!)


I don't get it but I fully admit that fitting dongs into women's underwear is not my area of expertise

H.H posted:

Witch mom