quote:

I hate urinals. loving hate them. Who wants to whip dicks out in front of a bunch of slovenly dudes? Does the call of the latrine echo so strongly in the male psyche? Even using them alone, there is splash-back. Unless I stand a yard from the drat thing, I'm getting tiny splashes of urine water all over my clothes. That is gross as gently caress, and has to add to a mans body odor. So I use stalls. Here's my confession from the days before Obamacare.

Once, I gave everyone in my office building the poo flu. It was bad, New Zealand earthquake liquefied earth mudslide bad. Hold on to the toilet, we have lift off, thundering cheeks and a rocket of squirting bad bad. I couldn't afford to not work, so for three long days, I haunted the many bathrooms of a 10ish story office building. I'm a neat guy, I appreciate a clean toilet. I also respect custodial staff, so I cleaned up after myself. One flush for the gross, another for the first bits of TP to clean me, then a third flush to flush the TP I used to wipe down the toilet. Clean to the eye, but covered with a bacterium that converts poo to rocket fuel.

I was in, noisily out, then quietly out, with no one the wiser. I varied the bathrooms I used, using different floors to assure privacy while I dropped the bass horrifically. On the final day of my toilet quest, people started getting sick in the office. Men and women. Oh poo poo. I read these forums on my phone in the toilet. I also used it to listen to music in my cube. I turned my phone into a ticking grime-bomb of rear end destruction.

I learned my lesson. I wipe my phone now. Does anyone else have pink eye?

quote:

My best friend was hosed over really bad, he is in prison and he will be for life probably. I wanted to go shoot the guy responsible myself, but i couldnt do it, i was to scared to be locked in myself i was never a tough guy, but he had to die and i knew the guy responsible and after alot of trouble i was able to arrange the hot shot..how do u like the fentanyl u motherfucker?
the sad thing here is that i can never tell my friend that i killed for him, i was gonna but now im clean and got a family i cant risk it..

loquacius posted:

murder fantasy

bradzilla posted:

"haha I can't turn myself in, I did it for my FAMILY!"

The Management posted:

Mad pooper: you say you couldn't afford to miss work but you are fine with infecting your colleagues. Maybe some of them can't afford to miss work either but now they have to because you're an rear end in a top hat. How about some consideration for those that have compromised immune systems and for whom this can be much more serious? If you're sick stay at home, just like your coworkers do which is why you aren't sick more often.

CharlestonJew posted:

I still don't exactly get what mad pooper was doing

Was he pooping, wiping his butt with the TP, then wiping the toilet seat with the used TP?

CharlestonJew posted:

I still don't exactly get what mad pooper was doing

Was he pooping, wiping his butt with the TP, then wiping the toilet seat with the used TP?

quote:

Like most people. I have certain fetishes. They normally do not run my life and are contained to either pornography or fun bedroom activities. However my major fetishes are:

Mature women, high heels, panty hose/stockings, and redheads.

At my office we recently hired a new woman who crosses off every fetish. She's 48, absolutely gorgeous, and a redhead. And more often that not she wears heels and panty hose to work, along with really short skirts that show off her amazing legs. She is very attractive in general, but the combination of everything else gets me going something fierce.

I do not work in her department, we aren't managers, etc. There is nothing inappropriate at work about us dating, except for the fact that a breakup could make things awkward. And our age - I am 31, quite a bit younger. But after a Friday happy hour I had some liquid courage in me and confessed how attractive I found her. Since then we started dating, and after a few weeks, had sex. It was goddamn amazing, best sex of my life. She kept her heels and pantyhose on and I was hard as a rock the entire time.

Here is the confession piece. My mature lover and I have been together since early October. At the same time, I have been keeping up a long distance relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years. She is currently across the country doing volunteer work, and has been there for the last 6 months. She will be back home for Christmas and planned to move in with me at the time. I talk to her almost every day, but the length of time apart made me stray. I have physical needs, but I understand that she would be furious if she knew what I was doing.

Neither woman knows about the other, for obvious reasons. I have lied to both women and claimed to be completely monogamous. Which I am, basically, since I haven't had sex with my girlfriend since I started seeing my mature lover. My girlfriend tries to facetime me every night, many times while I'm with my mature lover. I have been making excuses like my phone is acting up, my camera is broken, and whatnot. So far she believes me but is getting suspicious. It's hard to undue 4 years of trust, but it's happening bit by bit.

I do not know what to do. My heart says my girlfriend but my dick says my lover. On top of that, my lover is extremely wealthy and has expressed the idea of me becoming a "trophy husband" and getting to stay at home. This is really appealing to me, as my girlfriend makes very little money.

quote:

I recently moved in to a really bad neighborhood. My company did a massive re-organization and I ended up taking a nearly 25% pay cut and had my office relocated nearly two hours away. It was either that or be laid off with a 1 month severance package, and I chose what I thought was the smarter long term plan. I am currently hunting for another job, so all of this is hopefully temporary.

In a crush for time, I found the first apartment in the area that was dirt cheap (175 a month, and that includes all utilities), did a quick examination and moved in. I should have researched more as it turns out that neighborhood has a massive heroin problem. In fact, the previous tenant of my apartment was arrested for selling heroin to minors. That has nothing to do with my story but it's to give you an idea of how bad this place is.

Last week I was coming home late from work and a woman was laying on the front porch of my apartment. I asked if she needed help and she shrieked and ran away. I started getting nervous that maybe she thought the heroin dealer still lived here, so I camped out at my window that night to make sure she didn't come back.

She and three more women came back around 10 pm, right as I was getting ready for bed. They laid down on the porch and I proceeded to call the cops. When these women saw the police cars they ran off. I thanked the cops and hoped this was the end of things.

When I woke up Sunday morning I noticed 2 things. It had snowed, and there were three corpses on my porch. Those women came back Saturday night (I got home around 6 pm, so it was after that), presumably laid down again, and froze to death. I called 911 but they had been dead for hours, and there was no chance to save them.

I don't know how to feel about this. I have only seen one dead body before, and that was my grandmother at her funeral. This is an entirely different scenario and I got nervous sweats and puked this morning when I walked across the porch to go to work.

loquacius posted:

Wizzle posted:

Most offices large enough to have dedicated cleaning staff don't have toilets with tanks.

food court bailiff posted:

lol this isn't true at all

quote:

I started a Fight Club at work. Lots of angry rednecks, including myself, looking for a way to let off aggression after a poo poo show of a day at work.

My confession is that I am a deeply DEEPLY closeted gay man. I've never dated a man but I've also never dated a woman. I am a virgin but have only recently started to think my romantic troubles stem from being gay. This is a chance to see a bunch of men in various states of undress, roll around with them, and it also excites my BDSM fetish.

quote:

My neighbor became very vocal during the election, posting about how great Trump was and how we needed to kick out illegals and freeloaders, and how strong women need to vote Trump. She was fired about a year ago from her job, then proceeded to start dating a lawyer and marry him. She still does not work, and I never see him at the house, so I assume he's working long hours. They pay a maid service to clean the house, a pro company to cut the grass, and have a catering company deliver food to their house (I am not bullshitting, this is presumably where all their meals come from since I see that drat truck at least 3 days a week).

I can grudgingly tolerate this, since it's their money and their life, and she can be a hypocrite online for all I care. However, she has recently started carrying a gun at all times, and I fear for the safety in the neighborhood. She is a huge proponent of 2nd amendment rights, which I also support. However, she also believes that "a good guy with a gun" could stop almost all crime, and believes that she is that "good guy" who must always be prepared.

She has accidentally discharged the gun several times since then, which is where my concern comes in. The police showed up once, she was cleaning her gun in her house and accidentally shot out her window. Another neighbor called it in.

During Halloween I dressed as a statue in the yard and scared kids while my wife gave out candy. One kid told me I was "Almost as scary as the gun lady across the street". I found out from another parent that she was sitting on her porch with her gun holstered. I walked over there after Trick or Treat to voice my concern, and she pulled her gun on me. Because I was still dressed as a statue (gray paint, long robe) she thought I was an intruder. Had I not yelled out "It's me from across the street" I think she may have killed me.

I called the cops and voiced my concerns, and they spoke to her after. I didn't see her for weeks after that, until this past weekend.

My wife got a new car and parked it in front of the house. While we were inside, our neighbor started peering into the windows. I went out to confront her and she said she was checking out the car to make sure it wasn't a neighborhood prowler. She then yelled out "COUGAR!" and pulled her gun, pointing it at a pile of leaves. She thought she saw a cougar, but it was literally just leaves, and we lives miles away from anywhere a cougar would pop up. I again voiced my concerns to her and said I wasn't comfortable with the gun in a neighborhood full of kids, she said I needed to be educated on guns and she was here to prevent a crime.

I am convinced she has some kind of paranoid delusions and is a risk to the neighborhood. I spoke to the police again, but they cannot do anything at this point except talk to her, unless she commits a crime. I also have to add that she is 28 years old, far younger than most people imagine when I tell them this.

Sjs00 posted:

We always just beat the poo poo out of the first guy to yell worldstar

Solice Kirsk posted:

We never called it a "fight club" but my friends and I used to box each other all the time. We tried using that as the way to settle simple disputes....but that was a bad idea.

Harakiri Potter posted:

I was eating at a Denny's.. I think in Yukon, Oklahoma and these juggalo dudes invited me to their fight club. I had to see it so I followed them over and it was just their parents driveway. They put on football pads and started hitting each other with padded sticks. It was pretty funny. I was laughing and then they started playing with lighter fluid. I left and they were yelling to me come back, come back, we're not done yet.

The life of a trucker; I had a dead line and Utah needs string beans.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Bless you trucker goon! Yours are the cowboy of the modern age!

quote:

I am following up from a way older confession thread, in which I discovered I was part of an alien/human exchange program. I want to say it was 2 thread iterations ago? Anyway, I discovered evidence buried in my parent's yard that I was an alien child, traded to humans for an Earth baby. This acted as a kind of peace treaty and also led to an exchange of technology, art, and culture. In my last confession I planned to head to the White House in order to meet with Obama and get some kind of payment/income for the years of hardship I endured as a result of this. I am in my late 20s, going bald already, have poor eyesight, and am very bad at social things. Most people call that autism or aspergers, and I even falsely diagnosed myself as having aspergers, but it's really due to my alien lineage.

While driving to DC I started running low on gas, so I pulled over. I was avoiding gas stations so as to not be caught by the police, so I had brought cans of gas and put them in the trunk. In my haste, I guess I didn't screw on the lids correctly, and they leaked in to the trunk of my car. I was out of gas in a potentially flaming car, so I called my Earth mother to come pick me up. She was quite angry, and removed my car privelidges for the foreseeable future.

I went to a really dark place then, thought about going on TV and blowing the lid off the whole conspiracy. But then I feared the backlash from the masterminds. At this point my false parents really kicked up the "get a job, go be normal, meet a girl" routine, trying to bluepill me in to becoming a normie.

As this was going on, Trump was starting to get some followers and the Obama/Clinton campaign was freaking out. They used the full force of the media, Hollywood, and the tech sector to try and stop him.

You've all probably seen that picture of Mr. Trump with a thousand yard stare after meeting Obama. They told him about the deal, of that I am sure. I've been tweeting at him a lot lately (I voted for him, so I feel he owes me some info) trying to find out what he knows and to assure him that the alien baby (me) is not evil. No response yet but I have noticed Barron Trhas many of the same symptoms I do, and also has a father who's significantly older than the average fathering age. I believe Barron may also be a space child.

Meanwhile my own health has gotten progressively worse, a side effect of living on earth longer and longer. I have a massive bald spot, I'm about 90 lbs overweight but still have skinny arms and legs and can't pack on muscle, my eyes are poor, and my penis is much smaller than pornography has shown me is the human average.

I have come at another crossroads. I can continue to deteriorate on Earth, I can be forced to conform by the humans who pretend to be me biological parents, or I can change things. I have decided to change things.

Tomorrow I make another trip (By bus this time lol) to New York to see Mr. Trump and his family. I have collected all the evidence into a bookbag which I will keep on me at all times for safekeeping. I will go to Trump Tower under the guise of buying some jewelry for my mother, then walk to Mr. Trump's luxurious apartment and introduce myself as one of his voters.

With any luck, you goons will see me on TV very soon, along with President Trump, blowing the lid off the alien/human conspiracy. We will drain the swamp of more than you know!

quote:

I live in a university residence with 4 other guys. We've all got a job that we do to clean/maintain the house. I am in charge of the bathroom. This week we're holding a house meeting that I called to address the fact that the bathroom is constantly covered in piss. Someone pisses all over the floor every single day and nobody will admit to it, so I have called a meeting to get to the bottom of it.



My confession is that it's me. I'm the piss man. I do it because all of my roommates are actually extremely clean in the bathroom. It's typically spotless and I barely ever have to do anything, and this means I have no leverage when I gently caress up the kitchen and the kitchen roommate has to clean it up. He can freely yell at me because I basically have no housework to do and none of them ever make my job harder. BUT NOW, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND. THE COFFEE RING I LEFT ON KITCHEN COUNTER PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE OCEANS OF PISS I WADE THROUGH IN THE NAME OF BATHROOM HYGIENE. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME, GEOFF.

anon posted:

I live in a university residence with 4 other guys. We've all got a job that we do to clean/maintain the house. I am in charge of the bathroom. This week we're holding a house meeting that I called to address the fact that the bathroom is constantly covered in piss. Someone pisses all over the floor every single day and nobody will admit to it, so I have called a meeting to get to the bottom of it.

My confession is that it's me. I'm the piss man. I do it because all of my roommates are actually extremely clean in the bathroom. It's typically spotless and I barely ever have to do anything, and this means I have no leverage when I gently caress up the kitchen and the kitchen roommate has to clean it up. He can freely yell at me because I basically have no housework to do and none of them ever make my job harder. BUT NOW, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND. THE COFFEE RING I LEFT ON KITCHEN COUNTER PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE OCEANS OF PISS I WADE THROUGH IN THE NAME OF BATHROOM HYGIENE. YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME, GEOFF.