Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Clockwerk: Apr 6, 2005

Thank you, please keep 'em coming.

# ? Nov 25, 2016 19:52

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# ? May 9, 2024 23:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Gonna just rip this bandaid off: I've been selling my wife's breastmilk without her knowledge and using the money to buy drugs. I am not a good person.

Backstory: A few years ago, we had our first kid. My wife decided breastfeeding was the only way to go. I was fine with it because I don't really have an opinion on formula vs breastfeeding, plus I figured her boobs would get bigger if she was breastfeeding (they did) and I love me some tig ol' biddies. Well, what I didnt expect is that I'd end up loving loving it. I'm not gonna get into too much details but yeah, shits delicious and hot. Well, things devolved to the point where we were pumping some out so that I could use it as creamer in my coffee. That's how it started, anyway. I felt a bit weird about the whole thing (not weird enough to stop tho, obviously, shits hot) and started reading on the internet to see if it was normal (spoilers: nope I'm weird). BUT what I found out is that there's shitloads of people even weirder than me out there. Like, willing to pay for someone else's breastmilk weird. So I started shipping poo poo out to weirdos on the internet in exchange for under the table money that I straight up use to buy weed. If my wife found out it'd probably instantly end in divorce.

My life is loving weird and I am a goddamn moron, but hey free weed.

People shouldn't have to sell breast milk to buy weed #legalizeit

quote:

I have a fetish for women's shoes. I was up at 5 am today for black Friday shopping to get good deals on said shoes. I keep them in a hidden closet in my basement. A few times a week I go down there and do my thing to the shoes.

The extra piece of my confession is that yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I was invited to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. I don't have much family left, and they all live back in the UK while I'm in the US right now. My friend had a bunch of us from work over, a mix of men and women.

At the end of the meal Jamie, an attractive coworker with cute feet, started complaining about her shoes being wet. Everyone thought the dog must have licked them. Well something licked them, but it wasn't a dog lol. I offered to dry them off for her but she said it was fine, she'd do it herself. I watched her clean those shoes, standing in her red socks, and almost lost it right there.

Happy Thanksgiving to me.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 00:13

Buttcoin purse: Apr 24, 2014

loquacius posted:

My wife decided breastfeeding was the only way to go. I was fine with it because I don't really have an opinion on formula vs breastfeeding, plus I figured her boobs would get bigger if she was breastfeeding (they did) and I love me some tig ol' biddies. Well, what I didnt expect is that I'd end up loving loving it. I'm not gonna get into too much details but yeah, shits delicious and hot. Well, things devolved to the point where we were pumping some out so that I could use it as creamer in my coffee.

My secret confession is that I break into this guy's house and jack off into the breast milk he uses for his coffee.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 00:22

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

"Consumed by their own desires" sounds like a super intense setup for some really gut wrenching tragedy, but when it's "I wanna lick a shoe" it's just too pathetic to be tragic.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 00:22

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Buttcoin purse posted:

My secret confession is that I break into this guy's house and jack off into the breast milk he uses for his coffee.

Very disrespectful to his milkwife imo, he could end up devorced.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 00:23

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Lol, have you seen Phil's wife? What a cow!

# ? Nov 26, 2016 00:25

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Hey free weed guys

*secretly sells wife's milk to internet strangers*

# ? Nov 26, 2016 01:11

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

so the wife is fine with him using breastmilk in his coffee, but would divorce him for selling it online to pay for drugs? talk about a double standard!

# ? Nov 26, 2016 03:23

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Buttcoin purse posted:

My secret confession is that I break into this guy's house and jack off into the breast milk he uses for his coffee.

What do you do to ~~his kid~~the milk he sells?

# ? Nov 26, 2016 04:32

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Breast milk is at least made specifically for humans to drink. It's weird, but drinking other animal's milk is weird too. Now sucking milk out of your pregnant wife's tits while you're loving is a fetish I can understand, but squirting it in your coffee and selling it to people is hosed up.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 04:33

Clockwerk: Apr 6, 2005

Those are two great confessions, but I want to call out the second one for being fake. A UK goon would never simply state, "Happy Thanksgiving", under any circumstance, without also adding some obligatory cheeky but derisive remark about the US

# ? Nov 26, 2016 04:58

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Clockwerk posted:

Those are two great confessions, but I want to call out the second one for being fake. A UK goon would never simply state, "Happy Thanksgiving", under any circumstance, without also adding some obligatory cheeky but derisive remark about the US

this is a pretty drat good point

# ? Nov 26, 2016 05:00

Buttcoin purse: Apr 24, 2014

Sjs00 posted:

What do you do to ~~his kid~~the milk he sells?

I'm his dealer, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 05:04

bunnyofdoom: Mar 29, 2008; I've been here the whole time, and you're not my real Dad!

Dammit jastiger

# ? Nov 26, 2016 05:08

Seashell Salesman: Aug 4, 2005; Holy wow! That "Literally A Person" sure is a cool and good poster. He's smart and witty and he smells like a pure mountain stream. I posted in his thread and I got a FANCY NEW AVATAR!!!!

Human breast milk tastes watered down and bad compared to cow milk. You'd have to be a real idiot to bother buying it from creeps on the internet.

e: also putting milk in your coffee is stupid.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 06:33

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I used to work at a warehouse where they sold Apple products like iPhones, and my confession is that I stole a couple.

It was actually ridiculously easy. They have the whole warehouse locked down but I noticed that they never check people's gloves when they go through the metal detector. People place the gloves on the side table and pick them up on the other side. So I just unboxed a couple phones, slipped them into my gloves and I was done. Ended up selling the phones online for like 400 total.

I don't feel bad about this at all because nobody in that warehouse is getting paid what they're worth. Apple is a lovely company, the warehousing corporation was a lovely company and if they paid people a fair wage then maybe they wouldn't have this problem. If I ever caught someone stealing from there I wouldn't say poo poo, more power to them.

This makes me sound like a badass I guess but I seriously am not. I was a nervous wreck for like a week afterwards, sure that the whole thing was on tape and the hammer was going to come down and I was going to jail. This was pretty much the only thing that stopped me from doing it again.

So I guess the real confession is that I exhibit poor judgement and am also an incredible pussy.

quote:

When I was young, I had a dream to work in a specific job field. It's one that's relatively easy to get into with nothing but a high school diploma or a GED. The only downside is that to get in with one of the good companies, a lot of people have to work for a lovely company for a while to get the experience, then hire on with a good employer.

So I decided I'd do that. I was fresh out of high school. I moved a thousand miles away from home to work for this soulless corporation who accidentally ended up with my new employer on their hands almost by accident. It was the only property of its kind they owned and it showed. They knew nothing about running it. But hey, I had a job, and even though it was in a podunk town, it was a fantastic first step for me. I had it made. If I could hold onto that for three or four years and not have any major incidents, I'd be a shoo-in for a good company.

But I hosed that up. I got myself fired on my birthday after almost a year and a half. I got in an argument with a supervisor, and even though no threats or punches were exchanged, I pointed my finger at him from across the room. To the corporation I worked for, it was a threatening gesture so they fired me.

I hosed up my future by pointing my finger.

In a few weeks I'll have another birthday, and it'll have been five years since I got myself fired from that job. Since then, I've had exactly one interview with a company I wanted to work for, and they made it pretty clear afterward that they didn't want me. There was a hiring boom for a little while and I saw friends around me get hired with no direct experience. Everyone tells me to just keep trying and to keep my chin up but god drat after five years it's tough. I got a gig with another lovely company that lasted for a year and a half but left rather quickly after a safety issue wasn't properly addressed. I didn't like not knowing whether I was going home after work or going to the hospital, so I quit. I wasn't formally interviewed for that - a friend got me in like it was nothing. Now I realize it was because they were desperate for workers.

I've put out over two hundred applications in the five years since I got myself fired. One interview. No one knows why. I've learned a lot over the years about how to behave socially, and I apply those things I've learned every day. So many people have told me that they like me better now - I'm more positive and laid back. I'm happy I learned to do that, but I can't seem to learn to shake my guilt and it weighs down on me every time I see someone doing the job I want to do. It's a relatively prominent job, too, so I see it (or hear it) every day. I'm optimistic about everything except achieving my dream. It's made my life miserable - all because I got angry and pointed a finger. gently caress me.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 16:50

Varg: Jan 13, 2007; A friendly face.

Bro you only sent out 40 applications per year, that's not a lot at all

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:03

Serjeant Buzfuz: Dec 5, 2009

Pay someone to write your resume goon. I spent a few hundred and it was the best money I ever spent.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:17

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Phone thief risking getting arrested and fired for $400. But stealing is totally justified because those companies are mean.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:21

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

The Management posted:

Phone thief risking getting arrested and fired for $400. But stealing is totally justified because those companies are mean.

It is morally good to steal from multinational corporations

It's just dumb to risk legal consequences

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:23

Shifty gimbal: Dec 28, 2008; Hey you... I got something to tell ya; Biscuit Hider

Anybody know what job Mr.Unhirable is talking about?

loquacius posted:

It's a relatively prominent job, too, so I see it (or hear it) every day.

Ice cream truck driver man?

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:36

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Improbable Lobster posted:

It is morally good to steal from multinational corporations

Should everyone steal based on their convictions?

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:45

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

The Management posted:

Should everyone steal based on their convictions?

If those convictions involve stealing from billion dollar corporations, yes

# ? Nov 26, 2016 17:47

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Lou Takki posted:

Pay someone to write your resume goon. I spent a few hundred and it was the best money I ever spent.

lmao you got scammed so loving hard

# ? Nov 26, 2016 18:21

Marijuana Nihilist: Aug 27, 2015; by Smythe

The Management posted:

Should everyone steal based on their convictions?

Great Username/post combo

# ? Nov 26, 2016 18:42

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

The Management posted:

Should everyone steal based on their convictions?

No, but I find it pretty hard to feel bad for a company that makes record profits by using suppliers in third-world countries that have to install safety netting because there are too goddamn many employees throwing themselves off the building in an effort to end their miserable serfdom.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 18:54

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

bradzilla posted:

lmao you got scammed so loving hard

Or use LinkedIn. That poo poo is like honey to flies if you have securities registrations or tech degrees.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 19:20

Arven: Sep 23, 2007

Gimbal lock posted:

Anybody know what job Mr.Unhirable is talking about?

Ice cream truck driver man?

Theme park mascot

# ? Nov 26, 2016 19:25

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Apple steals from people everyday by selling tech thats 10x worth it's actual value.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 20:05

Fucked-Up Little Dog: Aug 26, 2008; Posting live from the nightmare future of Web 3.0; Scratchmo

Imagine how lovely you must have to be to spend 5 years doing only 3 applications a month and think that you were trying hard enough.

# ? Nov 26, 2016 20:56

Radical and BADical!: Jun 27, 2010; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

The Management posted:

Should everyone steal based on their convictions?

wealthy people steal from their employees pretty much every minute of every day so I don't see what the problem is here

# ? Nov 26, 2016 21:36

Shayu: Feb 9, 2014; Five dollars for five words.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Breast milk is at least made specifically for humans to drink. It's weird, but drinking other animal's milk is weird too. Now sucking milk out of your pregnant wife's tits while you're loving is a fetish I can understand, but squirting it in your coffee and selling it to people is hosed up.

Actually I think a lot of women sell breast milk to other mothers who wish not to breast feed but are adverse to formula! However, I do agree it's weird for an adult to buy and consume breast milk... :blush:

# ? Nov 27, 2016 01:22

cult_hero: Jul 10, 2001

Jose posted:

i'm the infamous finding of life nobody has heard of

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viking_lander_biological_experiments

Some of them did come up positive for what they would expect to be evidence of life, but were ultimately determined false as they were just normal chemical reactions with the inert Martian soil.

# ? Nov 27, 2016 02:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I have really bad issues with understanding what is and is not acceptable, especially as a kid. Noting with that, my story is this;

When I was like 13, I get an erection in class. I was raised in a super conservative family, my dad cried when he saw me with an erection and I never had Sex-Ed or anything, so I had no idea what was acceptable to deal with it. But It hurt really bad, so I ended up unzipping my pants and rubbing myself in class, fully erect and my dick hanging out. I was sitting in the back so no one noticed, and I realized this was probably bad after a little bit and put my dick away. But I still think about how loving stupid and awful I was that I did that.

quote:

When I was a kid, I was in a rowboat with my literally-autistic friend on the Indian River Lagoon. We rowed toward shore, and built up a little steam.

I was sitting one-cheekedly as we suddenly ran-aground in about a foot of water, and let's just say that the only thing keeping me from going sailing over the bow was the tensile strength of my cornhole.

She held and did not give, but let's just say that THAT day, she was put to the test. For about a week or so, my elasticity had gone straight to Davey Jones Locker.

# ? Nov 27, 2016 22:26

Drunk Nerds: Jan 25, 2011; Just close your eyes; Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

Ship story

Is this the all time worst storyteller in these threads? It is for me

# ? Nov 27, 2016 22:32

Drunk Nerds: Jan 25, 2011; Just close your eyes; Fun Shoe

Unless the ship is a metaphor for butt sex, in which case the story kind of makes sense
Still don't understand the autism detail nor the capitalization of THAT

# ? Nov 27, 2016 22:34

Seashell Salesman: Aug 4, 2005; Holy wow! That "Literally A Person" sure is a cool and good poster. He's smart and witty and he smells like a pure mountain stream. I posted in his thread and I got a FANCY NEW AVATAR!!!!

I have no loving clue what that confession means.

# ? Nov 27, 2016 22:35