- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
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Found out my GF of nearly 2 years has been cheating on me for our entire relationship.
We met through mutual friends at a group D&D game. We got along well, and long story short, I spent the night at her place since I had a little too much to drink. We had sex the next day and had been inseparable ever since.
In our whole relationship, she only ever had a few odd things about her that bothered me a bit. She worked long hours for her job, sometimes nights and weekends, but she was paid well for her time. Or so I thought. The other thing was her vaginal hygiene - she had a mild case of genital warts so I liked to keep the lights low during sex, and she was prone to getting UTIs and yeast infections. We worked on improving her hygiene together and it seemed to be working.
I was planning to ask her to marry me over the Christmas holiday, since Christmas means a lot to her and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I was at a local jewelry store and had a few ideas, but wanted an expert to help out. She was sweet old woman and asked if I had a picture of my girlfriend, and I showed her a few pics from my phone. When I showed her, the woman said I needed to make sure this was the right girl for me, and told me to spend a few days thinking before I came back. This majorly weirded me out - we live in a smallish town, but I had never met this woman, so I didn't know how she knew my girlfriend, or if this was just a weird sales pitch.
But it got me suspicious so I checked my gf's phone while she was taking a nap. I never did this, but I was convinced there were things going on that I needed to know about. I was heartbroken - there were at least 30 different conversations between her and other men, all of them with kissy face emojis, blatant sex talk, pictures of herself and these men in the nude and in various sexual positions, and making appointments to meet these guys for sex, dates, and something she called "cum baths".
I was furious and confronted her. She at first denied it, saying that is was just roleplaying. But then I showed her the pictures, which included one of her in bed with 3 men. She broke down crying and said this had been going on for years, that she was a sex addict, and that all of this stemmed from being overweight in high school and never having a boyfriend. She is still overweight today, but she has an awesome personality that drew people in.
I gave her an ultimatum - tell me everything that happened and why, and I would consider couple's therapy for us. She estimated that in the 2 years we dated, she cheated on me with 30-40 guys in one-on-one sex situations, and had long term relationships with 12 of them. "Cum baths" were a thing where she would rent a hotel room, invite around a dozen guys, and have them all jack off on her while she laid naked in the tub and rub it in to her skin. This was also related to her self esteem issues.
I found out that the money her job was paying her was really coming from situations like this. On top of what I knew about, she also had around 15,000 dollars in a savings account.
I asked how the woman at the jewelry store knew about this and my girlfriend started stammering and said she had no idea. My only guess is my girlfriend possibly had an affair with her husband or something.
All of this was too much for me and I couldn't handle another moment with her. I spent Thanksgiving with my parents and lied to them, I said my girlfriend was sick and couldn't make it. I'll tell them we broke up eventually, but I will omit all of this. I feel like a fool and don't plan on dating for quite some time.
quote:
I have warrants out for my arrest in the states of Florida, Georgia, and Arkansas. Not for the same crime, but for similar things I did a few years ago. I was young and stupid and would never do these things again.
I moved north of the Mason Dixon line in order to avoid that and get a clean start on life. I knew I could not pass a background check, so I took a series of odd jobs to pay the bills and started living with a cousin of mine. In my free time I started a podcast with some friends.
Since then my podcast has gotten pretty popular. I just took a look at the top charts, and we are in the top 250 audio podcasts right now, which is an honor. The issue is I use my real name on the podcast AND we have been invited several times to do live shows. I never expected this to become a big thing, hence the name. And the live shows pay a considerable amount - I could be making 20-30k per event between ticket sales and merchandise.
The podcast is my only source of income at this point, between advertising space, a Patreon, and some online merchandise we all make enough money to keep the lights on, but not much else. Live shows could change that.
My friends are unaware of my past and are urging me to start booking live shows. I believe that doing so will either lead to my arrest or someone in the audience may recognize me, especially if we head south, since I was a top story in the news there for several days. This was all years ago, but all it would take is one person. I had put all of this behind me but now feel like my house of lies is about to collapse.
also because I am feeling whimsical, here's some SA fanfic
quote:
"Microwave" is my older brother.
Thanks to his stupid rear end, pictures of our mom ended up all over the internet.
Sometimes over the past few years when we are out and about together, some spergy weirdo will point at her and snicker. The first few times it was weird, but now it is just mortifying and embarrassing.
I first joined the site when "Microwave" told me what had happened. I decided to stick around, but I will never admit in the forums who I really am.
Sometimes I wish I could kill him, but the current state of his life is punishment enough.
loquacius fucked around with this message at 03:20 on Nov 29, 2016
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Nov 29, 2016 03:06
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 10, 2024 10:12
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- VanSandman
- Feb 16, 2011
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SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER
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Griffin McElroy: Convicted Felon
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Nov 29, 2016 03:38
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- Look! A Horse!
- Feb 10, 2010
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is there a long delay on confessions? i sent a dope one about a week ago
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Nov 29, 2016 04:07
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- Sjs00
- Jun 29, 2013
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Yeah Baby Yeah !
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Can someone explain the appeal of reading badly-written goon fiction posing as "confessions"?
I'm sorry but if you don't find the D&D vaginal warts hilarious
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Nov 29, 2016 04:13
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- Antifa Sarkeesian
- Jun 4, 2009
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yo les digo que no, que no soy la madre de nadie, pero que, eso si, los conozco a todos, a todos los jóvenes poetas del DF, a los que nacieron aquà y a los que llegaron de provincias, y a los que el oleaje trajo de otros lugares de Latinoamérica, y que los quiero a todos
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podcast dude should get a lawyer and see what the smallest amount of time he can get away with doing is. just man up and do the time, and as far as the podcast goes, any publicity is good publicity. you guys will get a good bit of buzz when you come back or alternately, you can call in and do the podcast from jail. that could be really popular actually. op should tell us what he did.
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Nov 29, 2016 05:27
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- A Strange Aeon
- Mar 26, 2010
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You are now a slimy little toad
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The Great Twist
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Griffin McElroy: Convicted Felon
Are the McElroys even goons?
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Nov 29, 2016 05:55
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- The Management
- Jan 2, 2010
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sup, bitch?
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podcast dude should get a lawyer and see what the smallest amount of time he can get away with doing is. just man up and do the time, and as far as the podcast goes, any publicity is good publicity. you guys will get a good bit of buzz when you come back or alternately, you can call in and do the podcast from jail. that could be really popular actually. op should tell us what he did.
After enough time and not particularly serious offenses some states are willing to negotiate down a warrant to pretty minimal levels, such as a fine, restitution for damage caused, or even an apology letter. They certainly don't give a gently caress to come after you if you aren't a constant nuisance to them and they know you're not coming back willingly to do some jail time, so they'll take what they can get. Get a lawyer, see if you can settle it.
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Nov 29, 2016 05:59
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- ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD
- Jan 21, 2007
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Griffin McElroy: Convicted Felon
oh brother, and brother, where art thou
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Nov 29, 2016 06:01
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- Putty
- Mar 21, 2013
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HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS
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i don't care if you burned an orphanage or licked a million women to death, having a Patreon is scummy bullshit and you should be ashamed podcast man
i hope some1 shoves a keemstar gnome up your arse
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Nov 29, 2016 06:06
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- BigBadSteve
- Apr 29, 2009
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If your worst confession is that you privately find something arousing then maybe just do not confess? We all think some weird things, no need to confess, it is just human nature to think about perversions.
Your own fetish must be particularly foul, brutal and disturbing. Send it in, you know you want to.
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Nov 29, 2016 07:14
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- Marmaduke!
- May 19, 2009
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Why would it do that!?
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Why do people need to see the face of someone doing a podcast anyway, just go full on daft punk
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Nov 29, 2016 12:37
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- the future is WOW
- Sep 9, 2005
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I QUIT!
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i don't care if you burned an orphanage or licked a million women to death, having a Patreon is scummy bullshit and you should be ashamed podcast man
i hope some1 shoves a keemstar gnome up your arse
What's wrong with Patreon? It seems pretty harmless, did they do something terrible?
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Nov 29, 2016 13:15
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- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
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quote:
I was doing some early Christmas shopping a few weeks ago and saw a cute girl perusing the Doctor Who merchandise at Hot Topic. I asked her for advice on a gift for my sister, then started talking a bit more and asked her for her number. She turned bright red but she gave it to me, and we started casually texting that night. We texted back and forth for a few days, then I asked her to dinner. I want to note the fact that during the texting, we never got very in-depth in anything. I have aspergers and miss a lot of social cues, and she and I mostly talked nerdy hobbies. At no point did we discuss jobs, families, etc.
We met up at Applebee's for dinner and had a good time. At the end of the night I kissed her and offered to drive her home. She was surprised I had a car, which is reasonable since we live near a big city and have a lot of public transportation. She was really impressed by it and me made out a bit in the car. Nothing major, I want to make note of that.
I drove her to her house and dropped her off, and we made plans to meet up again the following week.
I texted her the next day and asked how she slept. She confessed that it wasn't that great - her parents were angry she got back late. I told her she was an adult and her parents can't control her, and she wrote back "Speak for yourself, I'm still a baby to them until I turn 16".
Needless to say I instantly stopped all communication and blocked her number. I am sending pretty much this exact confession to the police so they also understand what happened if she goes to the cops and screams rape.
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So I'm laying in bed with my girlfriend. She's feeling playful, I'm a bit under the weather. She gives me a blowjob and starts jerking me off onto my stomach as I'm cumming. She looks down and she says "Jesus, something is horribly wrong!"
There's blood in my cum. All over the place on my stomach, the sheets. I get up, towel off my dick and go take a couple of xanax. I've never seen any poo poo like this in my life. It's 2 am, the blood stopped as soon as I stopped cumming, then I take a piss later, no blood. I'm freaked the gently caress out. I've been with the same woman for years. I'd just had a physical. Next day I call the doctor, he wants to see me immediately. I sit in the waiting room with a guy who's going through prostate problems and is pretty much pushing every loving button I have regarding the incredible freak out of terror going through me. I'm 100% sure I have cancer now. Incurable. Death sentence.
Oh well. gently caress it. What about my dog? I just adopted her! Screw this poo poo, I'll fly to Bangkok and raw dog hookers with blood shooting out of my dick. My poor mother. I always wanted to try out a wingsuit. I should probably leave enough money for my girlfriend to finish grad school. gently caress that she'll be sucking someone else's dick by the time my body cools off. Put a bullet through my head. Go for a run on the train tracks, with a gun and shoot myself before I hit the train. No, let's get a wingsuit, fly with a gun and aim for the top of city hall. Right into the spot that looks like Billy Penn is sporting a boner. Then blood can shoot out of his dick. My mother loves me, it'd break her heart. I don't even own a gun. Max out my credit cards, buy a Barrett 50 and shoot seagulls. I've always hated them.
That's the kind of poo poo that kept going through my mind.
I go through a bunch of tests. Get out, waiting for the bus - hit my dab rig a few times, I kinda got freak out high. I'm bugging out. I get on a SEPTA bus and head home. Immediately, some idiot sits next to me. He's rapping, spitting lyrics with his earbuds on. Some guy sits next to him and the guy with the earbuds flips out. Apparently, the guy sat down too hard. So he just snaps and gets up, threatening to kill the guy next to him, the bus is moving, he loses his balance for a second and elbows me in the face. I yell, "hey hey cut it out" and the guy with the earbuds turns and looks me in the eye and says "this ain't none of your business human being". I got up, locked eyes for a second and just flattened him with a headbutt. I didn't know I had that in me. I was still angry so I kicked him in the head a few times. The bus stops, the driver opens up the door and I got out. I get an Uber. Man, I live in a neighborhood that mass transit takes you through North Philly to get home to. So gently caress all that.
I can't sleep that night. That poo poo on the bus, I didn't know who that guy was. That's not me. I was in the loving Peace Corps! I take more xanax, I'm out of that poo poo and dig into my girls stash of valium, and then try to buy weed - I hadn't bought the poo poo since the 90's. I'm a supervisor at my job and I know some of the employees smoke the poo poo. So now I have two young asian guys, fresh out of college, that work for me, introducing me to wax, in my living room, while they are sorting through my vinyl collection. Dabs. Never smoked it. Holy poo poo. I have never been so high in my life. I buy 4 grams of the poo poo, something looking like a vape rig to smoke it with, and a giant bag of medical grade weed. Just threw 600 bucks in Benjamins at them and laughed. Holy poo poo is BF1 fun on dabs.
Next day I call out of work. I wake up, take a mg of xanax, smoke a bowl and take a train to see my mom up in the suburbs. I get off, I'm hungry. Walk into a Wendys. There's a whole table full of teenagers talking too loud. I order, they're loving obnoxious... so I'm thinking, take my poo poo and eat it somewhere else. No. I go over and yell "Shut the gently caress up" really loud. One kid started to say something and I threw a booster seat across the table "DID I SAY BE QUIET? NO, I SAID SHUT THE gently caress UP". Then left. I wasn't hungry anymore so I drop kicked my bag into the air, spraying fries and poo poo. Some old couple in a Volvo wagon say some poo poo about littering. I starting kicking her door in. The old guy gets out and says "I have a gun" and I say "pull your heater you old human being". Flip both hands up, giving everyone the finger walking away yelling "Eat my rear end in a top hat".
I got to moms. My key doesn't work. poo poo, she changed the locks. She's deaf as gently caress. Call the house. Nope. Knock loud, nope. Call my brother. Mom's down at sis's in Virginia. Great. Go back to SEPTA. Run into some of the kids I saw at the Wendy's. Apparently someone got a cut from the jumper seat I chucked. They called the cops. As I'm waiting, two cops come over to me and ask me if I started a fight at the Wendy's. I pull a page from youtube "sorry I don't answer questions", the one cop says "Well, great, rear end in a top hat, you can talk to a lawyer". They cuff me, I don't resist, they read me my rights and put me in the back of the cop car. I felt like crying. Then bit my lip. No. What's there to fear? I said "hey boy" to the cop driving, who was black "do you have a cigarette?" he says "gently caress did you say?" I said "hey, friend of the family, I need a smoke. You got one or not? I don't care if it's a Kool or a Newp".
"Don't YOU EVER call me a friend of the family again."
"friend of the family." Screech. Gets out, opens the back door and starts yelling at me. I'm going "blah blah blah, friend of the family friend of the family friend of the family." Then he pops me, right in the side of the head. "You got that? You understand motherfucker?" And I'm still running my mouth. "You hit like a woman, human being friend of the family".
He gets back in. And I do the trailing off falsetto "neeeeeeggger neeeeeggggger neeeeeeggggerrrrrrr" about every 10 seconds. He says if I don't stop, he's going to get out, cap stun me and roll up the loving windows and walk away and get himself a latte while I wish I was dead. I keep it up. True to his word, he opens up the door, sprays the gently caress out of me, gets out of the car, stands on the sidewalk playing with his phone while I'm completely hosed up with this poo poo in my eyes, can't breathe. gently caress this sucks. So he rolls the windows down, turns on his ac on full blast and waits a little while for his cruiser to air out. Soon as we get to the station I go to the eyewash. My booking photo looks like I got smashed with a shovel. I had to bail myself out the next day.
TL:DR I had a small trauma on my testicle, likely caused by some light contact I hadn't noticed. I went on a rampage convinced I was going to die. I work at a non-profit and my boss is black. So is my now ex-girlfriend. I guess cancer brings out the racism. Or believing you have it. My ex wrote my company, told them everything. I was never drug tested or asked about the events. I cannot believe I did it, because I'd be the last person to call someone a friend of the family.
I guess a goon was so convinced he had cancer that he did a bunch of drugs, threw things at children in a Wendy's, tried to sovereign-citizen the cops, and went on a racial-slur rampage when that didn't work
I wasn't sure about the story but the summary actually sounds like the kind of thing a goon would do so I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt
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Nov 29, 2016 14:15
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- you irl
- Jan 22, 2014
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i'm the 16 year old in the pedo-autist's confession, ama
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Nov 29, 2016 15:15
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- bradzilla
- Oct 15, 2004
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You loving suck at writing, hth
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Nov 29, 2016 15:15
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- loquacius
- Oct 21, 2008
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In retrospect I probably should have just posted the summary because it was better
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Nov 29, 2016 16:02
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- Sjs00
- Jun 29, 2013
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Yeah Baby Yeah !
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This thread makes lunchtime always a chuckle session
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Nov 29, 2016 16:56
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- Stallion Cabana
- Feb 14, 2012
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1; Get into Grad School
2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E
3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.
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Ask Will Smith because he's gotten into this same problem with Parents Just Don't Understand, the greatest song of our Generation behind the Space Jam theme song.
EDIT: Also who the gently caress goes to Hot Topic still who isn't a 16 year old girl.
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Nov 29, 2016 17:12
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- 802.11weed
- May 9, 2007
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no
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EDIT: Also who the gently caress goes to Hot Topic still who isn't a 16 year old girl.
well he did say that he was shopping for his sister
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Nov 29, 2016 17:59
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- Stallion Cabana
- Feb 14, 2012
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1; Get into Grad School
2; Become better at playing Tabletop, both as a player and as a GM/ST/W/E
3; Get rid of this goddamn avatar.
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well he did say that he was shopping for his sister
good point, complaint retracted.
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Nov 29, 2016 18:01
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- Farg
- Nov 19, 2013
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i had a bloody nose so i suplexed a dude at a burger king
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Nov 29, 2016 18:05
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- Chef Boyardeez Nuts
- Sep 9, 2011
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The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.
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(eg hardcore-lesbian-scissoring-themed superheroes getting their own movies etc)
What is The Handmaiden? Thank you Alex, I'll take surprisingly explicit art house films for $400.
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Nov 29, 2016 18:19
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- The Management
- Jan 2, 2010
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sup, bitch?
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so hot topic autist fingered a 15 year old in his car, ghosted her, and is now afraid she's going to cry rape so he is sending a confession to the cops admitting he got busy with her. The gooniest of stories.
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Nov 29, 2016 18:25
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 10, 2024 10:12
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- you irl
- Jan 22, 2014
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his penmanship is bad so he'll make the confession out of letters cut from magazines
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Nov 29, 2016 18:29
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Nov 29, 2016 03:06
" --Adnan Syed
