Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

Radical and BADical! posted:

It's an obvious troll.

No self awareness coupled with a gratingly arrogant attitude

210 K a year income but their house is too small to put up like 6 people

210 K a year income and a couple hundo on food is out of control costs

Any amount of money spent on MTG is just fine though

A group of unemployed useless loser friends that have plenty of money for MTG but can't scrape together cab fare

A goon, acting like this? Must be a troll

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:03

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# ? May 10, 2024 12:01

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Solice Kirsk posted:

There shouldn't be a filter except for the silly ones about mods or Lowtax that wind up getting the thread closed. If a goon wants to write a terrible fan-fic about liking Goku enough to have his wife dress up like him while she pegs him then, by god, loquacious will post it for all to see.

Do you want ants? Because this is how you get 50 Foot Ants!

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:03

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Sentinel Red posted:

It's so blatantly a trollpost I'm amazed you didn't pick up on it sooner. Like, no one is that much of a clueless, selfish wasteman. No one. I refuse to believe it.

Part of me does want to be real though, if only for the wife to follow through, divorce his worthless arse and take him to the cleaners.

YOU CAN TAKE MY HOUSE, YOU CAN TAKE MY CAR, BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING A SINGLE MAGIC CARD, WOMAN!

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:04

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

VanSandman posted:

Loquacious is doing good work but his filter is basically non-existent.

I'll admit this, the only ones I don't post are

(a) ones that are so gross I don't want to finish reading them let alone put them in my clipboard for even a second
(b) "hey it's me SA user <username> posting anonymously for no particular reason to say that I am a literal retard and I love pooping in my adult diapers while jacking off to Nat Geo, once again this was personally typed and submitted as the unvarnished truth by me, SA user <username>, the stupidest man alive, put that on record please"
(c) low-effort "you're all dumb morons, butt poop fart fuk u" stuff
(d) anything that appears to have been written one-handed
(e) anything that will get me probated (I only get probated in C-SPAM tyvm) or get the thread gassed

Other than that it's basically anything goes, if I don't believe it I'll just say so ITT

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:06

Warm und Fuzzy: Jun 20, 2006

It's a great troll though. The paragraph about looking up hotel prices online is perfect.

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:15

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Post the ones that claim to be posters, so that they can know and revel in how mad they made someone on the internet.

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:22

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

VanSandman posted:

Post the ones that claim to be posters, so that they can know and revel in how mad they made someone on the internet.

The last one was Putty claiming to be Jastiger, but we already went over that

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:24

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Magic goon your wife should eat your cards and take a smelly poo in your hot chocolate

loquacius posted:

I'll admit this, the only ones I don't post are

(a) ones that are so gross I don't want to finish reading them let alone put them in my clipboard for even a second
(b) "hey it's me SA user <username> posting anonymously for no particular reason to say that I am a literal retard and I love pooping in my adult diapers while jacking off to Nat Geo, once again this was personally typed and submitted as the unvarnished truth by me, SA user <username>, the stupidest man alive, put that on record please"
(c) low-effort "you're all dumb morons, butt poop fart fuk u" stuff
(d) anything that appears to have been written one-handed
(e) anything that will get me probated (I only get probated in C-SPAM tyvm) or get the thread gassed

Other than that it's basically anything goes, if I don't believe it I'll just say so ITT

nothing on this list suggests people should not subscribe to my youtubes

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:25

Nissin Cup Nudist: Sep 3, 2011; Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land

Solice Kirsk posted:

Pfft, there's been maybe three real confessions in the entire thread. And I choose to believe they were the guy that hooked up with his weird PhD boss, the dude that wrote that 4 page love letter, and obviously the guy that tortures monkeys.

this is still my favorite one

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:32

Arven: Sep 23, 2007

Sentinel Red posted:

It's so blatantly a trollpost I'm amazed you didn't pick up on it sooner. Like, no one is that much of a clueless, selfish wasteman. No one. I refuse to believe it.

Part of me does want to be real though, if only for the wife to follow through, divorce his worthless arse and take him to the cleaners.

I actually don't have trouble believing it. I have a brother in law who pulled the same thing last year, just replace 210k income with 100k and Magic Cards with Jeeps.

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:37

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Solice Kirsk posted:

Pfft, there's been maybe three real confessions in the entire thread. And I choose to believe they were the guy that hooked up with his weird PhD boss, the dude that wrote that 4 page love letter, and obviously the guy that tortures monkeys.

the itchy crotch goon was probably real

# ? Dec 14, 2016 18:40

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

Radical and BADical! posted:

[*] 210 K a year income but their house is too small to put up like 6 people

*looks at Bay Area real estate prices, sighs deeply*

# ? Dec 14, 2016 22:22

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

loquacius posted:

I'll admit this, the only ones I don't post are

(a) ones that are so gross I don't want to finish reading them let alone put them in my clipboard for even a second

lol post those ones too dammit

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:02

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Nooner posted:

lol post those ones too dammit

There honestly haven't been that many examples of any individual one of those categories; I post the vast majority of confessions

the one I had in mind when I typed that was a guy going into way too much detail about his scat fetish porn. After paragraph 3 I was like "ok moving on"

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:09

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

anyway it's about that time now

quote:

I used to drive around Queens and shoot people with my paint ball gun. My rules were, just like Leon, no women, no children. I scared the poo poo out of people. I did it by myself. It's been about 10 years now, and I'm sorry if I shot anyone here, but if it's any consolation I was really psycho and even had some dude in Maspeth put a bullet through the side of my truck, took out the door speaker and buried itself near the bell-housing.

You would think that getting shot at would have stopped me. It didn't. I kept going. I'd drive up the Cross Bronx and shoot any male I saw from City Island up to Yonkers. I stopped when I got psychiatric help. Again, sorry. I think I wanted to die, just a stupid bad divorce and that oval office and her lawyer fleeced me.

quote:

On relation to the dream convo, I have regular day-dreams that I murder or forever cripple someone who tries to mug me. I've never been mugged and the last time I was in a "fight" was middle school (He dodged one poorly thought out angry punch from me and I ended up hurting myself by hitting the wall, fight over, I didn't even get in trouble). If I was actually mugged I'd give my wallet up without a fight, because I'm not skilled or an idiot. It's just a day-dream I always have.

I think the last time I seriously fantasized about hurting someone was when some douche stole my girlfriend in college

quote:

Whenever I smoke tons of weed I magically find FYAD funny.

maybe I'll try that

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:12

Harakiri Potter: Oct 18, 2004; REACH HEAVEN THROUGH VIOLENCE BABY

Doesn't guerillamail forward the IP in the header? I'd wager there's maybe a handful of people writing these. There might be a lot of pissers though.

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:12

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

loquacius posted:

the one I had in mind when I typed that was a guy going into way too much detail about his scat fetish porn. After paragraph 3 I was like "ok moving on"

don't be a prude it wasn't that bad!

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:12

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Harakiri Potter posted:

Doesn't guerillamail forward the IP in the header? I'd wager there's maybe a handful of people writing these. There might be a lot of pissers though.

Oh yeah, a lot of people piss in bottles
Wait that's not what you meant

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:14

Harakiri Potter: Oct 18, 2004; REACH HEAVEN THROUGH VIOLENCE BABY

FYAD stoner is the dog shooter.

# ? Dec 14, 2016 23:50

a glitch: Jun 27, 2008; no wait stop; Soiled Meat

Wait I thought tons of weed was a prerequisite to posting on FYAD.

Have I been lied to all this time?!

# ? Dec 15, 2016 00:05

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Its lunchtime loquacious where are my confeshes

# ? Dec 15, 2016 16:42

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Sjs00 posted:

Its lunchtime loquacious where are my confeshes

this post actually reminded me I didn't post any this morning. Sorry!

quote:

When I was really young I loved Christmas. Then, on Christmas Eve 1996, when I was a 7 year old boy, my parents divorced. Why they chose Christmas Eve to do it, they've never said, I guess they're just bad people.

There were presents that year, but I just remember crying a lot. I pretty much cried for the next few days, since my entire world was crushed. I ended up living with my dad. Mom ended up flying to Hawaii to live with the guy she met at work, and we never heard from her again. My dad claims she died shortly thereafter, but I think she's just dead to us as a person. Which is fine, after what she put my dad through I'd never want to talk to her either.

I just started dating a girl and she's started wondering why I don't decorate for the holidays or talk much about them. I'm going to tell her all this too, but needed to vent it anonymously first.

this is like a more depressing version of why Chandler hates Thanksgiving

quote:

I met my girlfriend/soon to be wife in a really odd way and can't tell anyone about it. We lie and say we met in line at Giant Eagle, which is a local grocery store. I have been wanting to tell the story for years, so forgive me if its a bit long.

Before I met my gf I was very much in to a local fetish scene known as "Going clown". A woman in full clown makeup puts out the call for a handful of guys to meet her in a hotel room (since this is safest). Usually there's like 9 of us and we do what you can imagine we do. The main idea behind this fetish is that the clown girl was originally just a normal girl, who got infected by a bimbo-ization disease that manifests as looking like a clown.

Then at the end of the night, any guys who have clown makeup on them are "marked". Those guys reach out to G2G women they know to become the next marked clowns and schedule accordingly. I live in a fairly big East Coast city and there are around 200 of us in the scene. I post on a few message boards and I figure there's around 4000 of us nationwide. So it's very very very niche.

That said; one of the times the clown was my now gf. At the end of the night I usually just leave, but felt a really strong attraction to her and stayed. I told her that I found her amazingly attractive and wanted to see more of her, outside of the clown scene. She agreed, we started dating, and have been happily together ever since. We no longer are part of the clown scene, but she usually does dress up during sex.

Recurring themes ITT: cancer blood jizz; clown fetishes

Honestly I could see this being a niche fetish; people are weird, whatever. The part that makes less sense to me is the "marking" thing. I'm trying to imagine being suave enough that I could say to a girl I know, "hey, you seem like the open-minded type, have you ever considered going clown?" and have the conversation work as intended, and it's not working

# ? Dec 15, 2016 16:51

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

once you go clown, you'll never frown!

# ? Dec 15, 2016 17:13

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

I think that a 9:1 ratio of men:women in the clown fetish scene is still unbelievably high

# ? Dec 15, 2016 17:21

Pretty good: Apr 16, 2007

Go clown on me

# ? Dec 15, 2016 17:31

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

sinking belle posted:

Go clown on me

I'd just allow a fragment of your makeup to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going clown on me

# ? Dec 15, 2016 17:33

mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

Christmas Eve dude, I wouldn't go too heavy into it, just a solid "my folks split at Christmas and it's not a fun time of year for me" would do it.

# ? Dec 15, 2016 17:48

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

mfcrocker posted:

Christmas Eve dude, I wouldn't go too heavy into it, just a solid "my folks split at Christmas and it's not a fun time of year for me" would do it.

i disagree, go super deep into it, bring it up at every opportunity, and get angry every time she mentions anything about christmas

# ? Dec 15, 2016 17:51

it dont matter: Aug 29, 2008

sinking belle posted:

Go clown on me

They all gently caress down here.

# ? Dec 15, 2016 20:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I worked at a 7-11 type convenience store while going to college. Really bad neighborhood and I feared for my life a lot, but it was within walking distance of my apartment and it paid well all things considered.

Anywho after about 6 months of working there I got robbed for the first time. 3 large guys came in with bandanas over their faces, dark sunglasses, and brandishing guns in my direction. I emptied the register, all 147 dollars of it, and gave it to them. They stole some food too and one guy pistol whipped me for no reason. As they left, one guy said something and I noticed a *very* distinctive lisp.

A week later, the cops haven't caught anyone, and a large guy comes in the store. Buys some cigs and says to me "Sankth a lot man, these hit the thpot". It was the guy, I was never so sure of anything in my life.

I could barely keep my hands from shaking, but I acted cool and took very careful note of his driver's license address. As soon as he left I wrote it down before I could forget.

The next day I was off work and decided to drive out to that address. Kind of a run down house, I parked a few houses away and sat in my car, scoping the place out. I saw my lisping bandit leave around 11 am. I did something really dumb then - I broke a side window with a big rock. I was so pissed at him, I wanted to damage something of his. When nobody came running, I broke out the rest of the glass and went in the house.

I didn't steal anything since he had nothing worth stealing. I took a poo poo on his bed, smashed his TV, and unplugged his fridge and left the door open to hopefully spoil what little food was in there. Then I left.

The next day I saw a story on the news. A local man who volunteered every week at a soup kitchen and was considered a "pillar of the community" had his house broken in to. They interviewed him and it was the lisping guy.

I have no idea how to feel about this to this day.

quote:

I unintentionally convinced my girlfriend that my sister is mentally retarded and I think I just have to live with the lie now.

My sister and I lived together during college to save money. She's a total slob. Our mother cleaned up for her when we were kids, but between classes and a part-time job I couldn't keep up so the house we rented fell into total disarray. Whenever friends would ask to come over I was so embarrassed I used to lie and say my sister has a mental disability and I take care of her and it was too difficult to have people over.

Eventually my sister moved out, and our parents helped cover her part of my rent until I finished up my degree and got a real job. My first paycheck I had to rent an actual factual dumpster to fill with trash she had left behind. But I could finally have people over and I started dating a girl I had met in college. I brought her to Thanksgiving this year. We were literally pulling into my parent's driveway when she turned to me and asked if there's anything she needs to know about/do for my sister and I realized holy poo poo at some point I must have told her my sister is a retard. I said the only thing I could think of in the ~10 steps to the front door which was 'we just don't talk about it'.

After dinner, she got me alone and started telling me how it was really sweet that I took care of my sister and she can see now how difficult that must have been. So basically my sister is enough of a giant child that my girlfriend fully believes she has actual brain problems. I guess I'm just riding this out cause what the gently caress do I even say now.

plot twist: maybe your sister does have actual brain problems? :shrug:

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:13

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i meant to say the christmas guy should either suck it up because its been years or break up with his gf on christmas eve

stop being a baby

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:16

Fintilgin: Sep 29, 2004; Fintilgin sweeps!

Why the hell would you not just call the cops with the lisping bandits info? :psyduck:

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:22

you irl: Jan 22, 2014

Fintilgin posted:

Why the hell would you not just call the cops with the lisping bandits info?

well considering he was a pillar of the community it's likely all that would do is get the police to interview the guy and disclose the goon as a rat

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:26

Ichabod Tane: Oct 30, 2005; A most notable
coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

https://youtu.be/_Ojd0BdtMBY?t=4

He's a dumb goon who played this revenge fantasy in his head over and over to the point where he was sitting in this guy's driveway and in pure goon fashion he is the pussiest and just throws a rock and runs away.

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I was pretty sure the moral of the story is that it's possible for more than one person in the world to have a lisp

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:32

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Hell they still are probably the same guy if you would rob a store for 147 bucks

# ? Dec 15, 2016 22:48

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

I assume goon 7/11 worker is dearly departed goon villain windows 98

# ? Dec 15, 2016 23:02

Harakiri Potter: Oct 18, 2004; REACH HEAVEN THROUGH VIOLENCE BABY

I'd love to hear some dramatic readings of these confessions. Blood cum. 7/11 lisps. Brojobs and clown fuckers - I'd listen to that in my car.

# ? Dec 15, 2016 23:10

Viruswithshoes: Mar 26, 2007

Harakiri Potter posted:

I'd love to hear some dramatic readings of these confessions. Blood cum. 7/11 lisps. Brojobs and clown fuckers - I'd listen to that in my car.

LOL, I was thinking the same thing. Like, John Hurt with his raspy storyweaving voice, recounting the tale dramatically

# ? Dec 15, 2016 23:35

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# ? May 10, 2024 12:01

Premature: Dec 9, 2014; Shut your eyes, I don't want to get glitter in them.; Buglord

Can we get a Lou Reads?

# ? Dec 16, 2016 00:56

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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