Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

a mysterious cloak posted:

Our son is 10 and he watched that stupid loving show a few times until it joined Clarence and Uncle Grandpa on the banned list.

My ex and I folded fast on letting the kids have a TV in the bedroom thanks mostly to the show Caillou.

Why is children's television so annoying? I genuinely don't get it.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 04:06

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# ? May 10, 2024 08:54

Pretty good: Apr 16, 2007

a mysterious cloak posted:

Our son is 10 and he watched that stupid loving show a few times until it joined Clarence and Uncle Grandpa on the banned list.

lol in a few decades you're gonna get repeatedly owned in increasingly agonising ways by your kid

# ? Dec 29, 2016 04:34

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

My ex and I folded fast on letting the kids have a TV in the bedroom thanks mostly to the show Caillou.

Why is children's television so annoying? I genuinely don't get it.

Most parents I know won't let their children watch Caillou. It's a bad influence because Caillou is such a worthless pussy.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 04:52

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

wow lots of people making not anonymous confessions itt

# ? Dec 29, 2016 05:07

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Look everyone, look how much I hate kids cartoons! I hate them, just can't stand them!!!

*my DVR is full because it has multiple recording of each episode of The Amazing World of Gumball in storage*

# ? Dec 29, 2016 06:58

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

I will raise my child on the simspsons

# ? Dec 29, 2016 13:09

Dekenai: Mar 11, 2009

I raised my kids on Futurama and now they're awesome.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 13:32

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Here's a weird story for you.

I've struggled with depression for my whole life, and it was especially bad in my college years. I was really shy, struggling in my classes, and realizing I didn't enjoy the subject I thought I could make a career of. I thought about suicide a few times, and being hours away from home and my psychiatrist didn't help. I was walking back to my apartment from class and I was absolutely at the lowest point in my life. Then I saw Superman walking down the street. And notice I said Superman, not a guy dressed as Superman. This was the most professional looking costume I have ever seen, he was built like Christopher Reeve in the old movies, and he looked like how I imagine Superman would look.

He smiled at me, then said that things were going to get better, and he kept walking. I know full well this was a dude in a costume, but why? It was mid-February, the guy must have been freezing. There were no comic conventions or anything within a hundred miles of my college, I checked. So some dude just randomly dressed up as Superman that day, on a day I needed someone to cheer me up.

That moment convinced me that the universe was a pretty cool place after all, and things have been improving since then. I still have rough days, of course, but nothing as low as that day.

quote:

I realized I'm a furry over Christmas, not sure how to proceed with things.

We do a big holiday play at my church, this year I was playing a reindeer. I had put the costume on in practice a bunch and never felt anything, but when I had it on in front of the whole church things felt right. I've been wearing it constantly whenever I'm alone since then.

I have a girlfriend so things are going to get really complicated soon.

for a second I was like "uh if you were a furry I'd think you'd know from jerking it to furry porn" but then I realized he doesn't mean a "weird porn" furry, he means an "even weirder lifestyle" furry

# ? Dec 29, 2016 14:32

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

I want to believe in Superman

# ? Dec 29, 2016 14:48

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

So do it

# ? Dec 29, 2016 14:51

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Honestly dressing up as Superman and walking around telling people things are going to get better is the kind of thing a college student might do

# ? Dec 29, 2016 16:01

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

free basket of chips posted:

I want to believe in Superman

I want to believe in the reindeer furry.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 17:28

Shifty gimbal: Dec 28, 2008; Hey you... I got something to tell ya; Biscuit Hider

Reindeer man's brain broke during the holidays.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 18:55

Camrath: Mar 19, 2004; The UKMT Fudge Baron

loquacius posted:

for a second I was like "uh if you were a furry I'd think you'd know from jerking it to furry porn" but then I realized he doesn't mean a "weird porn" furry, he means an "even weirder lifestyle" furry

On the off chance that this isn't a troll, please for the love of god don't get involved in the fandom- if you like wearing a costume in private or to get off, fine, do your thing and keep it to yourself. Don't try and get involved with people who make a lifestyle of their kink; it's just not worth the damage it does to you as a person.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 19:44

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Counterpoint: do the opposite and tell us about it.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 19:50

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

McGavin posted:

Counterpoint: do the opposite and tell us about it.

Do this, and provide updates

# ? Dec 29, 2016 19:52

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

what if the superman cosplayer dressed up as superman for Halloween/the holidays and never stopped because he sexually identified as superman. that would explain why a rando would be walking around in the middle of February in a superman costume

That's your future, reindeer guy, if you continue to dress up. eventually you'll be confident enough to wear it in public and tell strangers that everything will be okay.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 20:08

free basket of chips: Sep 7, 2012; by FactsAreUseless

What of superman hosed reindeer guy

# ? Dec 29, 2016 20:10

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

free basket of chips posted:

What of superman hosed reindeer guy

Superman's pulsing penis would tear right through him with his super strength and his ejaculate would blow a hole in him like a shotgun blast.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 20:20

Tacky-Ass Rococco: Sep 7, 2010; by R. Guyovich

SciFiDownBeat posted:

what if the superman cosplayer dressed up as superman for Halloween/the holidays and never stopped because he sexually identified as superman.

I wanna sexually identify as Superman, that sounds great.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 20:20

The Dipshit: Dec 21, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

loquacius posted:

Honestly dressing up as Superman and walking around telling people things are going to get better is the kind of thing a college student might do

Hell, I did something like that in college. Architect majors at my undergrad had their design final the week before regular finals and my friends and I took shifts putting on a gorilla suit and handed out canned coffee, red bull and cookies at 1 am or so during the week.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 20:39

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

The Management posted:

Superman's pulsing penis would tear right through him with his super strength and his ejaculate would blow a hole in him like a shotgun blast.

Man of Steel, Reindeer of Kleenex

# ? Dec 29, 2016 20:48

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

The Management posted:

Superman's pulsing penis would tear right through him with his super strength and his ejaculate would blow a hole in him like a shotgun blast.

please dont post my erotic short stories

# ? Dec 29, 2016 21:27

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

I wear a Superboy shirt all the time but not the wacky Teen Titans era version the modern gritty perma angry version with two dads. People are afraid.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 21:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I have been waging a one man war on christmas (I refuse to capitalize a holiday named after a fake man) all year long.

I am the lone vocal atheist in my community, I have spent months putting up flyers to try and educate people on the real origins of christmas, but had very little turnout to my events. I lost several thousand dollars between the rental of the firehall, the food I purchased assuming I'd have a few hundred people show up, and the money to set up a video conference with The Amazing Atheist at all 4 events. In hindsight, I should not have booked all 4 without seeing the turnout for the first one, but that's on me.

Since logic did not work on the heathens I have started using the one thing they understand - force. I have been smashing Christmas lights with a hammer at night, stealing inflatable decorations, and have gotten several community events cancelled by calling in bomb threats. When these events get cancelled I'm nearby to direct people to use their money and time for better things. You don't need to go see a little model train run around a christmas village, you can buy your own non-denominational train and set it up at home like I do.

The police showed up one day to ask if I knew anything, and man did it feel good to get to tell them I don't believe in a magic sky wizard so I don't have any decorations, but I'd shake the hand of anybody who did take these X-tians down a peg.

quote:

Every morning before work i have the same routine, I stop at Cracker Barrel for a nice sit-down breakfast. It helps wake me up, cheer me up, and I get up super early to beat traffic, so I have around an hour every day to chill out and relax before heading in to the office.

So I'm kind of a big deal at Cracker Barrel, since I come in 5 days a week, usually order the same things, and tip well. Unfortunately things changed this week and I will no longer be visiting Cracker Barrel.

I come in on Tuesday and order my usual - chicken fried steak, 2 sides of hash browns, 3 pieces of cornbread, 4 slices of turkey bacon, and a Dr. Pepper. I said before I'm a big deal, and my order is unique enough that people recognize who I am and give me a few extra things without me having to ask. Lots of jelly for the cornbread, a cup of coffee with extra sugar, and a cup of bacon grease for dipping. I had a new waitress but assumed they would know the scoop anyway. Unfortunately when my coffee didn't come I knew poo poo was going badly.

Long story short I was treated like crap, and nobody brought me jelly or coffee without asking. When I asked for bacon grease they said they couldn't "in good conscience" serve that. gently caress you wage slave - I have spent nearly 10000 dollars at this establishment, I pay your salary, I paid for that new loving oven back there, and I deserve whatever I goddamn want that you're just going to throw away anyway.

A lot of idiots on this forum wonder why Trump won and make jokes about him being a bad president. This is why he won - because the white male is marginalized and made to look the fool, while everybody else gets to run around free of all consequences.

I have tweeted this to Mr. Trump and hope to God he crashes their stock like he did all those other crooked companies.

Both of these are laying it on a little thick but I'd believe people like this exist somewhere

# ? Dec 29, 2016 22:50

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

Worth it just for the line "I'm kind of a big deal at Cracker Barrel"

# ? Dec 29, 2016 22:59

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM MY rear end INTO CRACKER BARREL FOR A NICE SIT DOWN BREAKFAST. ITS CHICKEN FRIED STEAK, 2 SIDES OF HASH BROWNS, 3 PIECES OF CORNBREAD, 4 SLICES OF TURKEY BACON, AND A DR. PEPPER. I EAT EVERY MORSEL AND I ENJOY EVERY BITE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME CORNBREAD INTO MY CUP OF BACON GREASE FOR DIPPING. NOT MANY KNOW WHY TRUMP WON AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM BEING A BAD PRESIDENT. HE WON BECAUSE THE WHITE MALE IS MARGINALIZED AND MADE TO LOOK THE FOOL, WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO RUN AROUND FREE OF ALL CONSEQUENCES. I HAVE TWEETED THIS TO MR. TRUMP AND HOPE TO GOD HE CRASHES THEIR STOCK LIKE HE DID ALL THOSE OTHER CROOKED COMPANIES. 1 HOUR TO CHILL OUT AND RELAX EVERY MORNIng

# ? Dec 29, 2016 23:21

Clockwerk: Apr 6, 2005

Enola Gay-For-Pay posted:

Worth it just for the line "I'm kind of a big deal at Cracker Barrel"

I feel like this would serve as exceptional prompt in any creative writing class.

# ? Dec 29, 2016 23:50

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

He must take a huge poo poo at work; which, unless he works part time or something, is a huge waste of the companies time really so it all evens out

# ? Dec 29, 2016 23:52

Motherfucker: Jul 16, 2011; I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

SciFiDownBeat posted:

Look everyone, look how much I hate kids cartoons! I hate them, just can't stand them!!!

*my DVR is full because it has multiple recording of each episode of The Amazing World of Gumball in storage*

Gumball is good tbh, as a 20 year old stoner I am into that poo poo

# ? Dec 30, 2016 00:34

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

loquacius posted:

Both of these are laying it on a little thick but I'd believe people like this exist somewhere

these confessions own

# ? Dec 30, 2016 00:36

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

loquacius posted:

Both of these are laying it on a little thick but I'd believe people like this exist somewhere

Neither of these is even close to believable

# ? Dec 30, 2016 00:43

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

These confessions are not believable because the people who would honestly say such things are not reading this dead gay forum, but they absolutely exist.

Also they wouldn't write that well.

# ? Dec 30, 2016 01:31

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

They feel like they came from the same person

# ? Dec 30, 2016 01:53

Mad Hamish: Jun 15, 2008; WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING IN LIFE.

McGavin posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM MY rear end INTO CRACKER BARREL FOR A NICE SIT DOWN BREAKFAST. ITS CHICKEN FRIED STEAK, 2 SIDES OF HASH BROWNS, 3 PIECES OF CORNBREAD, 4 SLICES OF TURKEY BACON, AND A DR. PEPPER. I EAT EVERY MORSEL AND I ENJOY EVERY BITE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME CORNBREAD INTO MY CUP OF BACON GREASE FOR DIPPING. NOT MANY KNOW WHY TRUMP WON AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM BEING A BAD PRESIDENT. HE WON BECAUSE THE WHITE MALE IS MARGINALIZED AND MADE TO LOOK THE FOOL, WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO RUN AROUND FREE OF ALL CONSEQUENCES. I HAVE TWEETED THIS TO MR. TRUMP AND HOPE TO GOD HE CRASHES THEIR STOCK LIKE HE DID ALL THOSE OTHER CROOKED COMPANIES. 1 HOUR TO CHILL OUT AND RELAX EVERY MORNIng

This is absolutely beautiful.

# ? Dec 30, 2016 02:18

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

McGavin posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM MY rear end INTO CRACKER BARREL FOR A NICE SIT DOWN BREAKFAST. ITS CHICKEN FRIED STEAK, 2 SIDES OF HASH BROWNS, 3 PIECES OF CORNBREAD, 4 SLICES OF TURKEY BACON, AND A DR. PEPPER. I EAT EVERY MORSEL AND I ENJOY EVERY BITE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME CORNBREAD INTO MY CUP OF BACON GREASE FOR DIPPING. NOT MANY KNOW WHY TRUMP WON AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT HIM BEING A BAD PRESIDENT. HE WON BECAUSE THE WHITE MALE IS MARGINALIZED AND MADE TO LOOK THE FOOL, WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE GETS TO RUN AROUND FREE OF ALL CONSEQUENCES. I HAVE TWEETED THIS TO MR. TRUMP AND HOPE TO GOD HE CRASHES THEIR STOCK LIKE HE DID ALL THOSE OTHER CROOKED COMPANIES. 1 HOUR TO CHILL OUT AND RELAX EVERY MORNIng

This is some big league posting.

# ? Dec 30, 2016 02:27

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Every morning I'm at Cracker Barrel ordering myself a nice sit-down meal / 7000 calories plus bacon grease for dipping, 'round there I'm a big-rear end deal.

(Thanks, Sugar Ray. I guess.)

# ? Dec 30, 2016 03:14

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

Sjs00 posted:

He must take a huge poo poo at work; which, unless he works part time or something, is a huge waste of the companies time really so it all evens out

I think this would be what the entirety of the 2 non-cracker barrel days are reserved for

# ? Dec 30, 2016 03:40

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

Do some people actually put jelly on cornbread?

# ? Dec 30, 2016 04:25

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# ? May 10, 2024 08:54

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

my new BIL has made it a mission to eat at every cracker barrel. He makes hotel arrangements based on eating at cracker barrel that are in the vicinity.

# ? Dec 30, 2016 04:30

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