Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Commie NedFlanders posted:

I've come to accept that some people do participate in supernatural magic but this is entirely loathesome to God and a grave and terrible sin, I would advise anyone to not mess around with it

the shroud of turin is legit imo

# ? Dec 31, 2016 11:14

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 14:39

SENTIENT HOUSEMEAT: Oct 14, 2016; A thinking, breathing house? You're mad!

Commie NedFlanders posted:

I've come to accept that some people do participate in supernatural magic but this is entirely loathesome to God and a grave and terrible sin, I would advise anyone to not mess around with it

i guess god shouldn't have created magic then so really it's his mistake lol checkmate atheists

# ? Dec 31, 2016 12:52

Robot Cuttlefish: Apr 6, 2016

Posting from the gass chamber rip this thread

# ? Dec 31, 2016 13:03

SENTIENT HOUSEMEAT: Oct 14, 2016; A thinking, breathing house? You're mad!

Solice Kirsk posted:

Thought that was money?

A single dollar bill in each hand as you cup.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 13:06

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Ok so anyway I have these confessions

quote:

Today I turned 30. To commemorate this occasion my wife and family apparently planned nothing. So far I've gotten a few texts from a couple work friends, some posts on facebook, and a phone call from my brother weaseling his way out of coming over to my house tonight. It's 9:15 and I'm in my gym shorts writing an anonymous confession because I'm so disappointed and just need to vent.

Each year my wife makes a huge deal about her birthday and how it needs to be special (and she prefers it to be a surprise) and how I've even given her too much of one kind of gift (I gave her a small digital camera one year and a kindle the next so it became "too much electronics"). In the past, aside from those electronics, I've given her jewelry, expensive dinners, and neat experiences too. For instance, this year for her birthday I took her to a very private wine tasting that took a lot of effort to arrange and we spent the whole day getting her shithoused on wine. It was a good time - as far as watching someone drink for several hours can be - and I don't regret doing it, but like today I didn't even get a pizza or a case of beer. You know what my "big action" was on my 30th birthday? I went to Winco to buy the stuff for stew and accidentally purchased too much pearl barley out of the bulk section.

It's a real fuckin bummer to feel like you give and give only to have nobody willing to give back, or even show up. Instead I get told the same thing I've been told every year since I can remember: "your birthday sucks".

That sucks, dude. :shrug:

My 30th is in like six months and my wife started coming up with grandiose celebration ideas for me to shoot down like a week after my 29th. I'd say you have a legit reason to be mad at your wife and should have a frank and earnest discussion with her, but don't get carried away, and be careful that you're not actually just freaking out about turning 30.

also, point of order, your birthday is very close to NYE, maybe she's waiting to combine them or something. Hold off until The Holidays are definitively over before you overreact.

quote:

I'm a writer in the porn industry.

My production company emails me 2-3 times a month with around a dozen scenarios. These list the performers and who's doing who in the scene, the basic fetish idea (is it milf stuff? is it supposed to be taboo? is it supposed to be amateur?), the length of the movie, the budget, and the shooting schedule.

I have gotten a lot of work lately because my turnaround is really quick. I can finish my basic outlines in an afternoon, and then have the full scripts sent back within another 48 hours. I used to write for the WWE and the workload was nightmarish there, but it gave me an amazing work ethic that has served me well ever since.

The pay is alright - I pull in about 200 bucks a script, so a good year might get me over 80k, while an average year is about 60k. And since I'm freelance I have to handle my own health insurance and retirement.

The real benefits are all the side perks, however. Every 2 months or so I'll get flown out to the set to see my work in action. While I'm out there EVERYTHING is paid for - super nice hotel, fine dining, luxury rental car, and first class air travel. I also get to hang out with the cast and crew and get in to some crazy parties.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 13:34

Hardawn: Mar 15, 2004; Don't look at the sun, but rather what it illuminates; College Slice

30th bday goon, i hope it was your golden bday too

# ? Dec 31, 2016 13:42

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Gonna be busy today and I have a lot of 'feshes right now so here's another couple

quote:

My last girlfriend was emotionally and physically abusive to me, and I've never admitted that to anyone but myself before.

She would constantly mock my decisions, my appearance, my interests, my skills, and my friends. She made fun of my sexual prowess, then got angry when I was no longer interested in sex with her. She caught me looking at porn one time and made me apologize to her on my knees and beg her to forgive me. I did it. She tried to isolate me from family members who could see the problems and wanted me to get out, and she almost succeeded.

I was sucked into the stereotypical abusive relationship where I'd say "Oh she's just a little cranky because I did this" or "I deserved that" or "She only hurts me because she loves me". It is much harder to break out then you think, because I never imagine it would happen to me.

I am now in a much better place - I dumped her after I ended up in the hospital because of her, spent time fixing myself mentally and physically, and am now in a healthy relationship.

It felt really good to let this out and I hope if any other goons see this and feel even the SLIGHTEST bit like they're in an abusive relationship that they go get help immediately. You cannot change an abuser, you do not deserve their abuse, and you are better off alone than in a relationship like that.

quote:

I used to work for a small school in the US for international high school students, mostly from Asian countries.

A lot of these kids were very quiet and shy, between being in a foreign country, being away from family, and being a teenager. We had a big Halloween party this year and it was a chance for kids to come out of their shells a bit, and they had a great time. One of the kids (a Malaysian girl) dressed as Donald Trump and did a legitimately hilarious impersonation. Her English isn't great, which just added to things when she started talking about making a "Great Wall to Keep out the Asians" and eating "bigly taco bowls".

I then busted out my own Trump impersonation, which I didn't think was great, but the kids started laughing their butts off. The girl then gave me her wig, another kid put orange makeup on my face, and I started walking around the party as Trump and basically just making an rear end of myself to the amusement of a bunch of kids who never get to laugh.

I was fired the next week.

My boss claimed it was because I was acting inappropriate with the kids, but I drove past his house one day and saw a HUGE Trump/Pence sign in the yard. So yeah, I think I know what really happened. Joke is on him though, I was recently hired at a much better job.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 15:24

mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

Glad you got out abused goon, here's hoping future relationships are far less poo poo

# ? Dec 31, 2016 15:48

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

birthday boy chances are you've been making it out that you don't really care too much about birthdays

i stopped caring in my 20's and am just fine with small celebration

# ? Dec 31, 2016 16:12

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Putty posted:

birthday boy chances are you've been making it out that you don't really care too much about birthdays

i stopped caring in my 20's and am just fine with small celebration

Same, but for my 30th my friends flew me back home to Chicago (I was living in Arizona at the time) and threw me a giant "You Made It To 30!" party. But that was honestly like the only "big" celebration I had for my birthday since I turned 21. Just getting together with like 4-8 people and getting drunk is good enough for me. I'd say let her know that you were expecting a little more for your birthday, but don't throw her birthdays in her face. I think that is the biggest thing to remember.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 16:36

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

quote:

The real benefits are all the side perks, however. Every 2 months or so I'll get flown out to the set to see my work in action. While I'm out there EVERYTHING is paid for - super nice hotel, fine dining, luxury rental car, and first class air travel. I also get to hang out with the cast and crew and get in to some crazy parties.

I don't get it, why post half a confession? Obviously the interesting part is what happens on the set and at the parties that makes it worth it. Movie shoots are boring as hell, even if they're having sex. You can see your work in action on video, after it's edited, there's no need to fly you out. Also having a hard time believing that a porn production has the kind of money to throw around to fly a non-essential person to the set. And I'm unclear on why this is anonymous. Do you not tell people what you do?

Overall 2/5, well written but lacking motivation

# ? Dec 31, 2016 16:45

Shifty gimbal: Dec 28, 2008; Hey you... I got something to tell ya; Biscuit Hider

gently caress

Shifty gimbal fucked around with this message at 17:58 on Dec 31, 2016

# ? Dec 31, 2016 17:54

Shifty gimbal: Dec 28, 2008; Hey you... I got something to tell ya; Biscuit Hider

Porno scenarios come in either boring flavor or hilarious flavor. I wonder which one porno scenario goon delivers.

quote:

She would constantly mock my decisions, my appearance, my interests, my skills, and my friends. She made fun of my sexual prowess, then got angry when I was no longer interested in sex with her. She caught me looking at porn one time and made me apologize to her on my knees and beg her to forgive me.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 17:57

Slowpoke: Jul 7, 2007; Also, someone drew a sweet Slowpoke that I wanted to buy for an av but lost the image. I think the thread was people drawing Pokemon? I guess? I don't know. If someone could help find it I would love to buy it. Thanks.

sinking belle posted:

lol in a few decades you're gonna get repeatedly owned in increasingly agonising ways by your kid

My brother sent me a picture of my nephew watching Barney. I didn't even know Barney was still a thing. Is it?! (I apologize bringing up children's cartoons/shows)

# ? Dec 31, 2016 18:53

a mysterious cloak: Apr 5, 2003; Leave me alone, dad, I'm with my friends!

sinking belle posted:

lol in a few decades you're gonna get repeatedly owned in increasingly agonising ways by your kid

That starts the first time you're changing their diaper and a stream of piss hits you in the face. No need for waiting!

# ? Dec 31, 2016 19:23

Idiot Kicker: Jun 13, 2007

My 30th, this year, was my worst birthday. I had to go settle an argument between employees at 4 AM and work all day from there. It was bullshit.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 20:06

Ellie Crabcakes: Feb 1, 2008; Stop emailing my boyfriend Gay Crungus

Loquacious, stop trying to make fesh happen.

# ? Dec 31, 2016 21:44

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Idiot Kicker posted:

My 30th, this year, was my worst birthday. I had to go settle an argument between employees at 4 AM and work all day from there. It was bullshit.

"NO! It's time for you to make the donuts!"

# ? Dec 31, 2016 21:48

cyberia: Jun 24, 2011; Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

loquacius posted:

Today I turned 30. To commemorate this occasion my wife and family apparently planned nothing. So far I've gotten a few texts from a couple work friends, some posts on facebook, and a phone call from my brother weaseling his way out of coming over to my house tonight. It's 9:15 and I'm in my gym shorts writing an anonymous confession because I'm so disappointed and just need to vent.

Each year my wife makes a huge deal about her birthday and how it needs to be special (and she prefers it to be a surprise) and how I've even given her too much of one kind of gift (I gave her a small digital camera one year and a kindle the next so it became "too much electronics"). In the past, aside from those electronics, I've given her jewelry, expensive dinners, and neat experiences too. For instance, this year for her birthday I took her to a very private wine tasting that took a lot of effort to arrange and we spent the whole day getting her shithoused on wine. It was a good time - as far as watching someone drink for several hours can be - and I don't regret doing it, but like today I didn't even get a pizza or a case of beer. You know what my "big action" was on my 30th birthday? I went to Winco to buy the stuff for stew and accidentally purchased too much pearl barley out of the bulk section.

It's a real fuckin bummer to feel like you give and give only to have nobody willing to give back, or even show up. Instead I get told the same thing I've been told every year since I can remember: "your birthday sucks".

Dude, if you want to have a good birthday plan that poo poo yourself. Don't just sulk like a big goon and expect other people to magic up a good day for you. My 30th was at the beginning of December and I planned a party with some friends, made sure we had plenty of booze and drugs, booked a couple of days of leave from work, arranged for my housemate to feed and walk my dog for the weekend and had an amazing 48 hour house party with people I really enjoy spending time with. Be the change you want to see in the world.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 02:30

Pretty good: Apr 16, 2007

a mysterious cloak posted:

That starts the first time you're changing their diaper and a stream of piss hits you in the face. No need for waiting!

And then they put you in a home and the circle of ownage is complete

# ? Jan 1, 2017 03:32

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

John Big Booty posted:

Loquacious, stop trying to make fesh happen.

Yeah

# ? Jan 1, 2017 05:41

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

John Big Booty posted:

Loquacious, stop trying to make fesh happen.

My thread, I can call them what I want :colbert:

(I appreciate the reference though)

quote:

I was back at my parent's house over Christmas and stayed in my old bedroom.

During my teenage years I built a secret compartment in my closet for jacking off. I got some plywood, painted it to match the inside of my closet, and closed off a small area that could be accessed via sliding panel.

I wish this confession could be "I went in my old secret jackoff roof and jacked off" but no. At some point in the last few months my parents discovered the room, tore it apart, scraped the goop off the walls, cleaned the carpet, and removed everything I had in there. From my printed pics, to my mags, to my sounding equipment and my buttplug. All gone.

The rest of the holiday season was awkward because I kept expecting them to mention it, but they never did.

quote:

I was a struggling cartoonist/graphic designer until 2015.

Then I started drawing hardcore pornography and fetish art and selling it online. I rake in several thousand dollars a month now for minimal work, it is amazing how much perverts will pay for things. Custom work makes even more - I am currently working on a 12k dollar commission for someone and it involves a bunch of Resident Evil characters loving and sucking.

I am ever so slightly grossed out by some of the requests, but work is work and this gives me money and freedom to pursue my own interests.

Also the richest and most perverted people seem to mostly come from the "heartland" of America so figure that out.

People who pay money at ALL for porn confuse me, let alone paying thousands of dollars for custom commissions

# ? Jan 1, 2017 16:18

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Doing another doublepost to make sure there's content today just in case I can't post later

quote:

Hello - another incel on the forums sending a confession.

I don't blame any one person for my condition, I blame society as a whole. We have been conditioned to crave constant attention and stimulation, and that includes in the sexual realm. If you aren't a guy with movie star good looks, a chiseled body that values form over function, a huge bank account, a huge penis (5 inches plus) or the charisma of a politican, then you aren't getting laid. Even if you have one or two of those, you're being used as a status symbol, for your money, or for your sex. If you have them all, then you can probably find a worthy partner who will love you fairly.

And women also have some challenges, don't get me wrong. They are trained from childhood to seek out perfect men. Disney princes, boy bands, all of them contribute to the image of a perfect men that these women crave. And they refuse to settle for less, unless they are degenerates taking advantage of the man or have major mental or physical issues themselves and are undateable.

The general issue (which actually, both those weird incel confessions seemed to realize) is the balance of power has shifted far too much to the female side.

Men are born leaders. Women are not. THIS IS FINE!!! This isn't a bad thing!!!! If you want an animal to protect your house you get a dog, not a cat. If you want an animal to laze around all day you get a cat, not a dog. Both are bred for certain things, just like man and woman.

My Father was the bread winner growing up, and my mom would spend the days cleaning the house, making food, and making herself look good for my dad. She never once opened the door for him without a dress, heels and makeup on, and their marriage was all the stronger because of it. My Dad was happy, I was happy, and my mom was happy. In a way it's a blessing that she passed away so young and didn't have to see society CRUMBLE the way it has over the last 8 years.

So that's the core of the issue, and I think more people need to understand it without screaming "MUH RIGHTS!" and "MUH FEMINISM!". Women are bred to be submissive to men. It's genetics, folks. The sooner we realize this, the better. Get women out of board rooms (where they're sinking the companies anyway, just look at Yahoo!) and the government (Hillary) and the science labs (Prof. Besterfield-Sacre at the University of Pittsburgh) and back in to the places that need their skills. The classroom, the kitchen, and the home. Us men cannot do it alone, so ladies, please step up your game!!! Then, and only then, will the sexual politics slide and return to where guys like me (nice, normal guys) can get laid regularly and eventually start a nice family after sowing our oats a bit.

Thanks for listening to my rant and I hope this clears up some confusions those 2 morons started earlier in the thread.

Once again pouring it on a little thick, but if it's real let me just say I have a fairly decent idea of the real reason this guy can't seem to get laid

quote:

I wear medical scrubs a lot, and printed up a fake ID badge that makes me appear to be a neurosurgeon at a local hospital.

I use this to pick women, get out of parking and speeding tickets, and get free stuff from people. Like dressing as a solider without the risk of jail time.

oh poo poo he's stealing medical valor

# ? Jan 1, 2017 16:24

JnnyThndrs: May 29, 2001; HERE ARE THE FUCKING TOWELS

'Only opened the door for Dad in a dress'?

Unless this dude is over 70 years old, he's full of poo poo/learned everything he knows about families from Leave it to Beaver.

Realistically, it's just a terrible troll.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 16:37

Idiot Kicker: Jun 13, 2007

After the "5 inches" part there's no reason to entertain that as a real confession

# ? Jan 1, 2017 17:21

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

loquacius posted:

oh poo poo he's stealing medical valor

Why do you wear scrubs so much? What do the women say when you bring them back to your apartment? Like, being a fake surgeon to get laid seems like a really short con, dude. At some point you're going to run into a "is there a doctor in the house" situation and the best you'll be able to do is stammer "I'm not that kind of surgeon, Christy".

At least learn CPR and the Heimlich. That'll cover your basic restaurant scenarios.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 17:24

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

The incel one was a little on the nose, but

quote:

Men are born leaders. Women are not. THIS IS FINE!!! This isn't a bad thing!!!! If you want an animal to protect your house you get a dog, not a cat. If you want an animal to laze around all day you get a cat, not a dog. Both are bred for certain things, just like man and woman.

I do adore this comparison.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 17:29

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

As someone who should realistically have to beg for sex, I appreciate the incels who take themselves out of competition by being creepy fucks.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 18:10

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Closet Masturbator, your parents knew about your secret room the whole time. They just waited until you were out of the house to get rid of it. They will never mention it and neither should you.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 19:06

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Incel biotruth anti-feminist tiny dick: no way this is real. But if it was, just lmao. You will die a virgin and it is your own fault for being a dumbass.

# ? Jan 1, 2017 19:11

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

buliding a masturbation closet seems like a lot of effort imo

# ? Jan 1, 2017 22:18