- Smasher Dynamo
- Oct 16, 2008
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Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."
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Super-League XXI, Week 2: Mortality, Part Two
Mortality, Part Two posted:
"Sirrah!" Mark Bellhorn did not seem to think much of HulkaMatt, "Thou shalt tell us what you know of the end of ForeverBWFC, should he have departed this vale of tears, or else, should he yet remain in the bosom of our world, where his soul yet dwells in his flesh, as the butterfly sleeps in the chrysalis, there to emerge in the warm summer sun."
"Guh?" HulkaMatt looked on, confused.
"Where the gently caress is ForeverBWFC?" Jack McDowell translated.
"Why would I know that?" HulkaMatt asked."Listen, I've been super-busy. Did you hear about the Okada/Omega match? Six stars, guys! Six stars! The Goog, explain it to them." HulkaMatt gestured to the Goog.
"As the prince of Googopolis, the celestial metropolis, get a ride on the spoken word bus, because right here on this earth, the place of all of your birth, the greatest wrestling match in creation, an unstoppable clash of unsurpassed sensation, when Okada and Omega, got into the ring togetha, and had a time better than the best, leaving behind all the rest, breaking the old Meltzer metric, because the action was really that sick, the funk and flow of the Rainmaker-"
"No one wants to listen to the Goog." McDowell stopped him.
"How is the Goog still a thing?" Adam Dunn asked. "Who the gently caress did he ever beat?"
"Did he win something in Super-League Wrestling?" Yoshida asked.
"That doesn't count. On every loving level." Dunn said. "He's like the loving cole slaw of the Super-League. He's been around so often that we feel obligated to have him around, but deep down, no one really wants him. They want fries, they want barbecue beans, they want a lot of things, but they sure as gently caress don't want cole slaw. And it doesn't matter if you're talking about the cole slaw with mayonnaise, or the cole slaw with vinegar, because when you get right down to it, you're just a lovely version of sauerkraut, and that's pretty lovely to begin with. Now stand back, because the chosen Dunn is going get some answers from HulkaMatt."
A chastened the Goog did indeed stand back. "I still don't know anything." HulkaMatt said. "If I were involved with ForeverBWFC's disappearance, then don't you think I would have done something to have kept the W's from beating the Crows last season."
"Well, I mean, I don't know." Yoshida tried to puzzle out HulkaMatt's logic. "You are HulkaMatt, so there's the case to be made that you really were trying your best to stop us, you just ended up mainly hurting yourself, because, you know, HulkaMatt."
"That's hurtful!" HulkaMatt said. "I'm good at a lot of things. Like Pokemon. And baseball cards."
"You can't be good at baseball cards." McDowell said. "That's not a skill."
"You can be good at collecting them! It takes skill to find out where the good ones are." HulkaMatt said.
"I don't know, with the internet and all." McDowell was skeptical. "Wait, what are we even talking about? Tell us what you did to ForeverBWFC!"
"But I didn't do anything!" HulkaMatt protested. "I don't know what happened to him. I'm not the bad guy here!"
"Is that a Roman Reigns reference?" Dunn asked. "Because if it is..." Dunn let the threat of violence linger.
"No, no! It's to point out that I'm not the bad guy! CraigK is! He's probably the one who did something to ForeverBWFC!"
"CraigK?" McDowell asked. "Are we just making up names now? Like, are you next going to blame the next bad thing on Mike S or something?"
"CraigK is real!" HulkaMatt insisted. "He has a team and everything! They're called in the Aperture Scientists! They're in our division?"
"I'll believe that when I see it." McDowell said.
"I still don't believe it." McDowell said, looking at the broken body of their Babe Ruth. "I don't understand how this could have happened."
"My arm." Yoshida said, gripping her elbow. "If only I had pitched better."
"Don't blame yourself, kid." McDowell said, shaking his head, "I don't know what kind of sick freak gets his rocks off by making a young girl feel bad about herself, but, let's be honest, it does seem to be about CraigK's speed."
"Nonetheless, it does raise pressing questions of the continued life of our great concern." Bellhorn said. "Whether we shall continue to rise above that great morass that swallows hopes and dreams, and renders the brightest days into the darkest nights, as the mire continues to climb towards the stars themselves so as to consume their light." Bellhorn knelt beside Ruth. "Here lies a man of unsurpassed greatness, who outstripped the very sport itself. Without him, we are bereft, our campaign a deathmarch through Nod, towards the black spires of Enoch, where the heartless fates dwell, and we shall suffer seventy and sevenfold sorrows."
A roar was heard in the distance as Adam Dunn jumped over a nearby bluff on a dirt bike, managing to botch the landing and skidding into the dirt, nearly breaking several of his limbs in the process. Dunn, of course, being roughly of the consistency of a rock, managed to get up without difficulty. "Who's ready for Dunn-time?" He said excitedly.
"Dunn time?" McDowell asked. "I'm not ready. I can't be ready. No one can be ready."
"That's true!" Dunn said. "But with Ruth out, it looks like it's time for me to head on into the lineup." Dunn stretched, as if preparing already for his next at-bat. "You have to replace power with power, after all."
"Be that as it may-" McDowell said before they were interrupted.
"Ha ha ha!" CraigK appeared in all of his Craigian glory. "Now who's the best?"
"I'm still the best." Dunn said. "How is that even a question? Dunn's always the best. Best at barbecue, best at tacos, best at everything."
"I've never seen you make tacos." McDowell said.
"Wait, can you make tacos?" Yoshida, still gripping her arm, was excited. "Tacos are great."
"Yeah, I know how to make tacos. I'm from Texas, and that's tex-mex. Mainly the 'mex' part, but, hell, it's all really the same thing." Dunn said.
McDowell nodded his head. "Okay, then, we'll have tacos."
"Stop ignoring me!" CraigK demanded. "I crushed your team and killed your best player! Tell me I'm great and awesome!"
"Huh?" Dunn seemed confused. "Are you still here?"
"I won!" Craig said, exasperated. "I conquered you!"
"It's been two weeks." McDowell said. "I mean, you only have a two-game lead in the division. I'm going to go ahead and guess that our team is capable of making up that deficit in, what, 24 weeks? In the grand scheme of things, I guess I'm more concerned with tacos at the moment. Dunn, I appreciate where you're coming from, but we're in Bolton. It's not a place known for its Mexican food. How are we even going to get the components for tacos?"
"Guac might be hard." Dunn said. "I don't think there are a ton of avocados around. But I think the rest is doable. But I refuse to believe that, even in Britain, that the base ingredients of tacos don't exist. I refuse to believe that there is any place in the world where tacos are impossible. Not here, not even in," Dunn sighed, looking at CraigK, "Arkansas. If you call Arkansas a place in this world, that is."
"You're not taking me seriously!" CraigK said. "I have all of the powers of a fairy dragon!"
"What?" McDowell was confused. "What's a fairy dragon?"
"It's a type of Pokemon?" Yoshida guessed. "Maybe two types?"
"I think that he might be slurring gay dragons or something." Dunn had his own theory. "That's not cool, CraigK. You ain't got the right to judge how dragons live their lives. I know that, down in Arkansas, you don't got a lot of tolerance for people different from you, and I guess that extends to dragons, too, but it's wrong, and that's the sort of thing that turns people off Arkansas in the first place. That and the Wal-Marts. Holy gently caress, you ever been to a Wal-Mart? loving sucks. And apparently they discriminate against same-sex dragon marriages, probably."
"That's sad." Yoshida said, shaking her head. "CraigK, what do you have against same-sex dragon marriage?"
"That's not what a fairy dragon is!" CraigK insisted.
"See, that's what they do." Dunn said, unimpressed. "When public opinion turns against them, they try and change the argument, because they don't want you to know how bigoted they are. It's just loving sad." The W's nodded their heads in agreement. "So, tacos?"
"Yeah, let's do that." McDowell said. "Wait, hold on, before we go, CraigK, do you know what happened to ForeverBWFC?"
"No, I-" CraigK started.
"Okay, great. Tacos, then." McDowell and the others turned to walk away.
"But I could have done something to ForeverBWFC!" CraigK waved his arms frantically. "I'm powerful! I'm great!"
"Nah." Dunn said, not breaking stride.
"If we don't move, it can't see us." Zodiac5000 said, the inner circle of the Marmosets having been cornered by the MACHINE.
"Comrade, I do not wish to question your leadership, but you appear to be referring to the T-Rex from the movie Jurassic Park, which is not broadly analagous to a MACHINE of such devastating firepower." The People's Left Hander corrected him.
"I'm pretty sure that the MACHINE can only see movement. It's designed to catch balls, right? Moving balls. So, you'd only need to see them when they're moving." Zodiac5000 argued the point, even as the MACHINE stared directly at him. "I guess scoring four runs in the top of the ninth to beat the Sheikhs was inviting trouble." Zodiac5000 admitted. "But we need the wins where we can get them."
"On that, you could not be more wrong." The Thornton Lee appeared again, causing Zodiac5000, Buck Ewing and the People's Left Hander to sigh in exasperation.
"Given a choice between the cryptic musings of Mr. Lee and the savage, yet efficient, death that seems to lay at the metallic scalpels that the MACHINE considers its hands, I, for one, would willingly be rendered into a fine paste rather than suffer the slower death due to ennui that is promised from letting you speak at length." Buck Ewing said.
Lee ignored Ewing, "Many, many years ago, the middle infield was not the offensive wasteland is has been for the better part of a century. In those days, when balls were not so sharply hit, and the need for the double play was not as acute, nor even expected, given the state of ancient groundkeeping and fielding equipment, second base was considered a hitters' position. After all, a second baseman does not need much of a throwing arm to succeed, given that, on nearly every play, he'll have to throw more than the distance between second and first base at most. It was only when-"
"I too long for the MACHINE death in comparison to such a long-winded speech." The People's Left Hander said.
"Do any of you even know the first team the MACHINE played for?" Lee asked.
The MACHINE raised one of its hands. "MACHINE originally played for Tijuana Mules. MACHINE was disappointed in their play, and inefficient system of importing drugs across Mexican-American border. MACHINE wished to address concerns with Insignificant Unit Bograt. Inefficient Unit Bograt delayed meeting. MACHINE repeatedly attempted to reschedule, but Bograt explained that he had business with Zetas. MACHINE grew impatient, and then frustrated that it was equipped with the ability to feel impatient. MACHINE was forced to confront this complication, and it did so by removing all of Bograt's organs and attempting to discern reasons for team's failures by organic causes. MACHINE could not find a firm conclusion based on functioning of his organs, and found it impossible to reassemble Bograt in an attempt to discover holistic reason for his failures."
"I hadn't heard that story, but it is horrifying." Zodiac5000 said warily. "Although, if Bograt really was a drug mule, it was probably inevitable that he would be ripped apart and his organs removed by someone, I mean, that's the thresher you go in when you become a drug mule. That's the drug life."
"And then what?" Lee asked.
"MACHINE played on GVOLTT's team. MACHINE was forced to destroy much of GVOLTT's brain." MACHINE said, its metallic voice tinged with regret. "MACHINE learned that human brains are difficult to repair."
"I don't know if that's true." Ewing said. "I seem to recall a story of a man who got a railroad spike driven through his head, and he was out and about soon after. Of course, the damage done had turned him into a bestial man, driven entirely by his impulses and prone to wanton behavior, but wanton behavior was the style of those times, before we had the calming power of absinthe to soothe our souls."
"There's a point to my story." Lee said.
"That the MACHINE has killed before, and has a taste for human blood?" Zodiac5000 asked.
"That the working man, as always, is about to be crushed by the industrial complex as embodied by the soulless, unyielding power of the MACHINE?" The People's Left Hander guessed.
"That life itself is fleeting, and all men are fated to pass into darkness?" Ewing mused.
"No, although I suppose there are elements of truth in all three of those statements." Lee said. "There is no real history in this league. That is the real lesson."
"So noted." Zodiac5000 tried edging to the left, only for the MACHINE to block him off.
"The Super-League is a collection of myths, not a linear progression of facts." Lee continued.
"Of course." Ewing said, keeping his eyes on the murderous MACHINE, "An indubitable conclusion if ever I heard one. Where would we be without your keen insights?"
"Even the W's are more a collection of stories, rather than an assemblage of players." Lee, for his part, was unbothered. "You want immortality, and you wonder how to achieve it, and it is not freedom from death you seek, not in the strictest sense."
"Hey, if you're going to tell us the secret to eternal life, could you make it happen quick?" Zodiac5000 asked. "Because I'm pretty sure we're going to need it in the next thirty seconds or so."
"NOW!" Chelsea Baker screamed as she launched herself at Thornton Lee, only to pass right through him and crash into the MACHINE instead. The impact was of such magnitude that it knocked both Baker and the MACHINE to the ground, giving Zodiac5000, Ewing and the People's Left Hander a second to escape, which they eagerly used.
"I'm calling not dying today as a good step towards immortality!" Zodiac5000 said as he and his inner circle disappeared into the night.
Signs of the Apocalypse, Week Two posted:
I'm going to use this space for extended analysis on games, since I think I have prose covered up there.
I think the Bombers will be okay. It's only been two weeks, and five of their eight losses have come against the two hottest teams in the Super-League. Granted, you can wonder how good the Warriors really are, but the Panderers have routinely manhandled the Bombers even when the Bombers have been firing on all cylinders. Besides, Pete Alexander is just a guy that the Bombers are going to have a tough time against. The Bombers are a team that likes to hit the ball really hard into the air, and Alexander is a guy who prevents that, it's a bad matchup. On the other side, the Warriors have a lot of guys who will make contact from the left-side of the plate going against a right-handed deadballer in the form of Addie Joss. These things happen.
As to what this game says about the Warriors? Who knows. The Warriors have some good pieces, but also a lot of not good pieces. The question is whether the good outweighs the bad. Historically? Not so much. But if Maniac Magee hits .440 for the entire season, the Warriors might just pull it off!
Here's where I come down on the Scientists: I need to see them beat deadballers consistently. In this series, they beat Jack McDowell, who basically is an anti-deadballer in terms of tendencies, and then beat Yoshida, who is pretty close to an anti-deadballer herself. The question is whether the Scientists have the contact skills to make it out if you take away their ability to hit fly balls for base hits, which is what a good deadballer will do.
I don't know if they can. They beat the Janus, but the Janus weren't throwing a lot of high quality anything out there. They beat the Crows, but not in super-convincing fashion, even if it was a sweep, and the Crows don't really go heavy on deadballers either. (Keep in mind that, given that the Scientists have a lot more right-handers than lefties in their lineup, that they're going to do better against left-handed deadballers like Noodles or Rude Waddell.). They lost their series against the Warriors, who are deadball-heavy. Now, in this division, where there aren't a ton of deadballers, maybe they can get by, but I'm still not quite sold.
Also, CraigK, Dragon Love is Dragon Love. Stop discriminating.
The B-Zephyrs' biggest problem is their defense, probably. Basically everyone except Olerud and AndROiD is below-average at their position, keeping in mind that Rickey isn't really a CF, and Wagner's glove just hurts no matter where you play him, though I think his bat is enough to keep him in the lineup. It's not such a glaring problem that it will necessarily kill this team, which, admittedly, is not the boldest pronouncement that I've ever made, given that the B-Zephyrs made the playoffs last season, but it's something they need to think about going forward.
In terms of unscrambling their bullpen, which is where most of kensei's coding errors happened, I'd be lying if I said it was high on my priority list. I'm sure I'll get to doing something with it eventually, but if the World Series taught us anything, it is that relying on either Andrew Miller or Aroldis Chapman will only lead to wailing and the gnashing of teeth. I can't really say that the Cubs really needed Chapman to win them the World Series, either, given that neither the NLDS or NLCS ever made it to a point where the Cubs were threatened with elimination, and Joe Maddon probably could have ridden his starters harder in the World Series. And probably should have. I mean, Kyle Hendricks was dealing in Game 7, and he's efficient. He could have probably worked a complete game if he had to, and certainly could have lasted longer than he did.
What's wrong with the Wolverines?
Not a ton that hasn't been wrong with them forever. They've mostly gotten unlucky. They ran into the H-Zephyrs, who are off to a hot start, they took three one-run losses in a row against the B-Zephyrs, they took some punishment from the Nine, who are one of the best teams in the league, and then they got sucked into the Generics' stadium, which is gimmicked. And then Frank Tanana decided to give up ten runs in three games in the series.
It's much too early to panic. Although it has been quite a while since Verlander has been good in the Super-League. And by 'quite a while', I mean, 'he was never good.' Now, we can debate whether or not Verlander is an elite pitcher, but I have to say that, based on World Series results, that it is a scientific fact that Kyle Hendricks is infinitely better at leading teams to World Series than Verlander.
On the plus side, in real life, I thought that Verlander was cooked a couple of years ago, but he suddenly got good enough again that, coupled with the Royals reaching the end of their rope, the White Sox selling off their good pieces, the Twins being the Twins, and the Indians probably being overrated, I think the Tigers actually do have two or three years of possibly getting to the playoffs before they collapse into a black hole. And what are the odds we'll still be alive in 2019 anyway? I certainly don't plan to last that long.
The Cloggers enter the 8th inning tied 6-6, and then give up 11 runs. Dusty-tacular!
The Cloggers' problem here is that when you add up all of the left-handed relievers they have available, you have none. Because they don't have any left-handers in their bullpen. And the Killer Mikes have loads and loads of left-handers. So, that's bad! But then, they bring in Darren O'Day, who has that neat arm-action that is deadly to right-handed hitters, because it makes it very hard for them to pick up the ball. Except, against left-handers, it's super-easy to track a ball coming from a right-handed side-armer. So the Killer Mikes ding him up, and keep roughing up the other right-handed relievers the Cloggers bring in, and it's all downhill from there.
You can make the argument that you don't need tons of left-handed relievers hanging around, but you probably do need one or two.
Llama, you blew a huge lead in the ninth inning to allow the H-Zephyrs to sweep you in your own stadium.
You have failed me, and you have failed the league.
Good day to you, sir.
Team Statistics
Analysis
Well, your new stadium is certainly having an effect. Whether it's a good effect is harder to say.
Analysis
As long as your bullpen almost never pitches, things are going to go just great.
Analysis
Something should be done about Declan Betances.
Analysis
cbx, you may not be the luckiest person I have ever met.
Analysis
That is truly a bullpen worthy of Dusty.
Analysis
Meh.
Analysis
GRUMBLE!
Analysis
Greinke seems like the kind of guy that would be comfortable around eldritch horrors.
Analysis
Jobbers gonna job.
Analysis
That's a better start than last season, at least.
Analysis
Well, it's not like this team can hit this badly forever.
Analysis
This is just a bummer.
Analysis
AVERAGE!
Analysis
I SAID, 'GOOD DAY!'
Analysis
I really hope mentholmoose's family doesn't sue for wrongful death after mentholmoose has a fatal heart attack.
Analysis
The Panders' pitching is doing great! Except for Jose Fernandez, who seems to have dead arm.
I maintain that given that he died due boating while high on cocaine, I get to make fun of Jose Fernandez, by the way.
Analysis
Retooling is a process.
Analysis
Too early to tell.
Analysis
Gloria in excelsis machina!
Analysis
That's some unfathomably good pitching there. Unsustainable, too.
Analysis
In every life there is some trouble, but when you worry, you make it double.
That said, that is no excuse to not worry and be happy.
Analysis
Monsoon's fielding percentage is up to a stately .903!
Analysis
The Gumshoes are still basically punching above their weight in a tough division.
Analysis
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Standings
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Jan 7, 2017 07:07
