Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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DAD LOST MY IPOD: Feb 3, 2012; Fats Dominar is on the case

Tolkien minority posted:

yeah dudes totally just gay lol

I can't stay hard with my wife but I know my cock works cause when my personal trainer is holding my arms and complimenting me on my gains I get rock hard

hmmmmmm

# ? Jan 11, 2017 15:38

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# ? May 10, 2024 11:52

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Well let's hope his wife starts identifying as a man so he can be attracted to her vagina again.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 15:47

flick my Mr. Bean: Nov 18, 2014

quote:

Final piece of the puzzle, it's not low testosterone. I work out 1-1.5 hours a day every day with a personal trainer and he comments on my gains and my endurance all the time. I also at times get erections while working out due to the surge of testosterone and blood. So my penis works fine.

I'm assuming your person trainer is a guy in which case yeah, this was the final piece of the puzzle.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 15:48

mfcrocker: Jan 31, 2004; Hot Rope Guy

keep bein' awesome, buttplug-fisting goon

# ? Jan 11, 2017 16:08

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah, they're really pulling the wool over that father in laws eyes! Really puttin one past him.

I just hope fistin goon isn't marrying a woman with daddy issues. Then it wouldn't be funny for anyone.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 16:13

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Lying to a girl's religious parents is an tradition everyone should go through. One girl told her parents I was gay, which they believed because why else would a boy be friends with their daughter?

# ? Jan 11, 2017 17:41

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Deflowering goon sounds mostly like fantasy fiction. People that are virgins late in life are often that way because they have emotional problems. Getting them laid once in an instructive way could be helpful. But first timers tend to have strong emotions associated with it, coupled with their preexisting emotional issues, and exploiting that for additional sex sessions and taking their money is wrong.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 17:52

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Can't believe no one called out this from "My wife wants sex a normal amount and I only want it once a week" guy:

quote:

My wife's sex drive dwarfs mine in comparison, she wants it 3 times a week sometimes. It is physically impossible for me to get an erection this much, so I've tried using my fingers as much as possible, but even they cramp up between the sex and my job.

What kind of weak rear end fingers does this dude have where they are cramping up from thrice-weekly fingerbanging?

# ? Jan 11, 2017 18:21

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

WampaLord posted:

Can't believe no one called out this from "My wife wants sex a normal amount and I only want it once a week" guy:

What kind of weak rear end fingers does this dude have where they are cramping up from thrice-weekly fingerbanging?

The real question is what kind of job he has where that slight work can cramp them up. My guess is professional fist maker. Or rock and roll guitarist.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 18:34

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Sandwich Artist

# ? Jan 11, 2017 18:41

Motherfucker: Jul 16, 2011; I certainly dont have deep-seated issues involving birthdays.

The Management posted:

Deflowering goon sounds mostly like fantasy fiction. People that are virgins late in life are often that way because they have emotional problems. Getting them laid once in an instructive way could be helpful. But first timers tend to have strong emotions associated with it, coupled with their preexisting emotional issues, and exploiting that for additional sex sessions and taking their money is wrong.

You make it sound like ethics can exist in a capitalist society you bourgie motherfucker.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 19:24

Cool Dad: Jun 15, 2007; It is always Friday night, motherfuckers

WampaLord posted:

Can't believe no one called out this from "My wife wants sex a normal amount and I only want it once a week" guy:

What kind of weak rear end fingers does this dude have where they are cramping up from thrice-weekly fingerbanging?

Maybe he's really bad at it and has to finger her vigorously for like two hours to get her off

# ? Jan 11, 2017 19:27

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

Motherfucker posted:

You make it sound like ethics can exist in a capitalist society you bourgie motherfucker.

It's boojie you boojie scum

# ? Jan 11, 2017 21:23

CPA Hell: Apr 15, 2007; I like to press the number six!

Solice Kirsk posted:

Just in case anyone wants to collect their cool 15-30% of collected taxes:

Remember that snitches get stitches.

The IRS has also become infamous for not paying the individually negotiated/agreed reward at all, or often at a greatly reduced amount.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 21:30

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Here guys have some schizophrenia

quote:

When you stare at your hands long enough, you can see it. The ripple of energy around your finger tips. Congratulations - you have taken the first step on a journey that has consumed my adult life.

That energy has many names but exists in all cultures. Chi, ki, qi. Stories of gods. Magic and miracles. The Scientologists tales of thetan levels. All of it stems from those who could control this energy and harness it.

I have taken to calling it God Chi in order to truly explain all it envelops. I have mastered it an am now immune to disease, heal from all wounds, have super strength, and can alter my body's density; giving me either invulnerability or making me light as air. I can heal others and can share my God Chi with them in small amounts, letting them perform small miracles themselves.

This all sounds crazy to some and I suppose all true religions do to non believers. But years of focus, meditation, and training have allowed my God Chi to surpass most norms and have begun to reach the levels of the Greek and Roman Pantheons.

We collectively tapped into our God Chi to elect Mr. Trump, and I plan to celebrate this fact and the election of Mr. Trump by leaping from my home in Alabama to the Inauguration and live streaming it all, then appearing live to shake Mr. Trump's hand and offer to share with America the secret of God Chi. We will be able to have 30-40 men build the Great Wall in an afternoon with our power unleashed. Crime will be no more when the police are able to destroy buildings with a single thought, and stop hearts with a glance. When you reach true mastery as I have, you can read the God Chi of others. Evil men and women are easy to find now, no hiding behind your Religion of Peace or your Skin Color.

There are others who have begun to scratch at the surface of what I have mastered. Great fighters talk of chi blocking, the orient gave us accupuncture, and Wet Cupping is a current trend that relies solely on awakening one's God Chi to heal wounds and boost immunity to poisons, toxins, and negative thought patterns.

Posted anonymously because I have posted similar messages several times on this site and been flamed each time by a bunch of basement dwelling nerd hackers.

quote:

I am the woman "In Love" with the Finnish musician. I just want to respond and say that I know I'm not in love with this man. It's an obsession, nothing else. BUT I think your response to my confession was unreasonably hostile, loquacius. Of course I know it's not real. Maybe I should have confessed that I plan to drive to Finland wearing my kangaroo fursuit and force him to help me kill a bunch of monkeys while we play the lotto.

all I did was point out that planning to go to a foreign country to find a musician because you are in love with them sounds like something a fourteen-year-old would want to do and you are not fourteen

but yeah you should have said that anyway, it'd have been funny

# ? Jan 11, 2017 22:22

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

loquacius posted:

Here guys have some schizophrenia

I bet 10 to 1 that's a manic episode. But he does do the schizophrenic Capitalization of Concepts that are Important.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 22:26

Personal Lucubrant: Oct 18, 2016; Just thinking about what to do with all the money I don't have.

loquacius posted:

Here guys have some schizophrenia

Thank you Based God Chi goon for great comedy material.

I'm reminded of this hilarious video of a "kiai master" getting owned by an amateur MMA fighter because, to nobody's surprise, it's all bullshit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEDaCIDvj6I

Can't wait to see the livestream suicide of you leaping off your roof. I believe in you!

# ? Jan 11, 2017 22:40

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

CPA Hell posted:

The IRS has also become infamous for not paying the individually negotiated/agreed reward at all, or often at a greatly reduced amount.

Well those snitches were probably just gonna lie about it on their taxes anyways. They can't be trusted, just look at what they did to their friends/employers.

# ? Jan 11, 2017 22:43

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

jon joe posted:

Just like how spotting an unknown furry creature used to be "the wolfman" and now it's "bigfoot"

Holy poo poo way to show your age there Sherman

# ? Jan 11, 2017 22:48

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

I'm pretty sure chi guy just discovered the force

# ? Jan 12, 2017 00:24

Harakiri Potter: Oct 18, 2004; REACH HEAVEN THROUGH VIOLENCE BABY

So, something kind of awesome happened, I was visiting a studio to do some guitar overdubs for a friend's movie project soundtrack. Long story short, I met some pretty talented voice over artists.

If I were to get them to do a dramatic reading of a confession or two, which ones should I ask them to do? I've got contact information for these people. One's a lady from Wales, a big goofy dude that kinda sounds like Space Ghost, a black guy who was an offensive lineman at Kentucky (dude is huge) and some other odd, interesting people.

So, eh, like which confessions would you like to hear read aloud from a voice over artist?

# ? Jan 12, 2017 00:25

Wintermutant: Oct 2, 2009; Dinosaur Gum

It's gotta be the offensive lineman reading the saga of the pissbitch

# ? Jan 12, 2017 00:32

Idiot Kicker: Jun 13, 2007

God Chi guy reminds me of a guy who came into my work about 3 years ago and said he was going to be involved in some vague "big time" stuff that will change America around 2020. He told me to remember his name for when it happens. Fuckin weird dude.

# ? Jan 12, 2017 03:17

RatHat: Dec 31, 2007; A tiny behatted rat👒🐀!

Well do you remember?

# ? Jan 12, 2017 03:45

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

lol goon on national news 3 years from now: "I just thought he was some weird dude, I never thought it'd be possible to take it this far"

# ? Jan 12, 2017 03:57

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Harakiri Potter posted:

So, something kind of awesome happened, I was visiting a studio to do some guitar overdubs for a friend's movie project soundtrack. Long story short, I met some pretty talented voice over artists.

If I were to get them to do a dramatic reading of a confession or two, which ones should I ask them to do? I've got contact information for these people. One's a lady from Wales, a big goofy dude that kinda sounds like Space Ghost, a black guy who was an offensive lineman at Kentucky (dude is huge) and some other odd, interesting people.

So, eh, like which confessions would you like to hear read aloud from a voice over artist?

This would be really awesome and I'd love to hear them

My votes, from a few minutes of clicking around, go to (a) the guy who thought he was an alien on page 24, (b) sex doll guy from page 41, (c) the guy on page 44 designing fetish beds, (d) the story from page 1 about the autistic guy who really loved pro wrestling, or (e) the guy who faked being a painter on page 22

Or God Chi guy, honestly. Go nuts with that one.

quote:

I�ve been a volunteer firefighter for a several years and have been a quite a few sad and gruesome scenes, but there is one that has stuck in my head. It was fairly soon after I got on the department, it started out as a call for difficulty breathing�of which I had already been on several. Typically these calls would involve arriving on scene and administering O2 until the medics arrived, and then helping load the patient into the ambulance. This call started the same way: the medics arrived set up an IV and pushed drugs, we retrieved the cot and brought it into the house and sat the patient down.

Shortly after sitting down, the patient clamped up and went into respiratory arrest and lost consciousness. The medics directed us to load the patient with much haste, which we did. I then went about collecting all of our and the medics gear from the house, while the other firefighter assisted inside the ambulance. The medics asked for one of us to drive and the other to help in the back, being the new member I wasn�t allowed to drive, so I locked our truck and took the keys and hopped in the ambulance.

Once in the back, I was told to bag the patient while the medics went about their business. The patient was a woman in her early thirties�about 10 years older than me�and of average height and weight. As this was my first time bagging a real patient, so I confirmed the rate with the medics. While I was bagging, the medics cut her shirt off to attach a heart monitor.

The part that stuck in my head did not really even register until we got back to the fire station from the hospital, as I was focused on my task. When the medic cut her shirt off, her breasts had fallen out of her bra, and her nipples were erect. At the time, she was regaining color from being bagged, and her body was starting flush. As soon at the shirt was open, the medic resituated her bra and attached the leads.

For some reason, that�s the only call that has really �gotten� to me for more than a few days. It wasn�t the nudity�I had already been on a call where I was in the back of an ambulance when a braless woman had her shirt cut off. It must have been the combination of her being unconscious, kind of close in age to me, and having her neck flushing deep red. Whatever the case, this call effectively killed my sex drive for a little over a week. I usually tell my girlfriend about the calls that I go on, but for this one I only told her the very basic details. Since that call, I�ve been on a few bad suicide calls, as well as one for SIDS which had me feeling down for a few days, but nothing like that one did.

tl;dr - goon sees naked lady, loses all interest in sex for a week.

quote:

Dear �fessies thread (that�s pronounced like ��feshes� but my way is better and mostly retains the original spelling of �confessions�), this is the crazy gun goon that everyone thought was fake reporting back in. Have not robbed any liquor stores lately, or any banks which I already decided I wasn�t going to do anymore so I�ve been broke and it sucks. I�m confessing that my gun fantasies are getting crazier and crazier. I have to drive between towns a lot because of where I live and I think about picking up hitchhikers a lot and kidnapping them. My fantasies usually culminate in letting the person go but I know that that�s stupid and if I ever actually kidnapped someone I�d probably have to kill them. I�m not particularly interested in murder although I do fantasize about it sometimes.

I think about what I call �D.C- snipering� people mostly when I do think about it. My favorite rifle is an AR I built to look like an M16A1 with carry handle, 20 in. barrel, long fixed stock and triangular handguards, except it has the forward assist and other stuff you�d find on an A2 like the heavy barrel. It also has a red dot similar to the GWOT-era USGI close combat optic. Anyhow, I think a lot about making a sort of gloryhole in the tailgate of my SUV behind where the license plate goes except instead of people sticking their dicks in there I�d lay prone in the back of the truck and shoot people through it from a distance of maybe 100 to 200 yards. I�d do like a walmart parking lot or I�d park on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and pick someone off in their car. I think a lot about shooting people I know, though; it would be way more fun to shoot someone I hate than a random stranger.

Which leads me to the second part of this confession which is something kind of brazen I did recently. I actually think it�s more brazen than any of the bank robberies because I could have been linked to it easily; I really just trusted the person I did it to not to be a snitch which I know is foolish. Anyway I didn�t get caught so. But what I did is I was really angry with a �friend� of mine who I now stopped talking to. This is going to sound really stupid and petty but he wouldn�t give me my hat back and was really obviously avoiding me when I was hitting him up for it. I hate when people do that. It�s like they think they�re fooling people by pretending they don�t check their phone at least once an hour like any normal person my age and really expect them to just believe that they could have been �busy� for like, a whole loving day.

Anyway this dude pissed me off so I went to his house with a pistol that I recently bought in a private sale in a neighboring state that is in a different caliber than any other gun I own and which I�ve never personally bought ammunition for and would be really really difficult to trace back to me. This dude doesn�t have a car except a little, two-door SUV that he bought for a few hundred bucks and has been trying to get running for the past year now. He was actually almost finished with it; he just needed some sort of oil cooler hose and the registration and plate. But yeah not anymore. Because I drove to his house and unloaded the whole eight-round �zine plus the one in the chamber into his stupid, lovely, nineties rear end truck. It was loving glorious; glass and metal loving flying every-the-gently caress-where while car alarms went off and dogs were barking.

I�m pretty sure he knows it was me. Like I said I don�t care and he probably thinks I�m capable of killing him or his family over an $8 beanie from target and that makes me smile very big. Lol. Nobody will ever catch me and nobody from here will ever figure out who I am. I�ve never made a single post in TFR. Nobody knew my username and I recently changed it in one of the last namechange threads and now there�s definitely no one who knows it. I�m actually a PHIZ whitenoise poster. God bless.

uh

Ok I don't think getting this guy committed is a goon project with a very high chance of success, so let me phrase this in the form of advice: seek some psychiatric help or you are eventually going to find yourself in jail. If not for this (if he knows it's you, they can get a search warrant and find the idiot gun in your idiot house covered in your idiot fingerprints), then for the next thing you do, or the one after that. Think of it as a choice. Would you rather talk about your feelings a lot and take some pills, or be in prison for some indeterminate length of time?

This did remind me of Stagger Lee though so there's that

(I added some line-breaks into this one myself because it was a big wall of text)

# ? Jan 12, 2017 03:58

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

I'm the goon who shoots up a friends truck because of a fedora and says nobody will ever know it's me

e: also I have no friends so I shot up my truck because I lost the fedora

ee: I lost the fedora because I got a swirly

eee: I don't have a gun or a truck so I yelled BANG BANG at a hot wheels car in my moms basement while another goon was BANG BANGing my mom

let it mellow fucked around with this message at 04:07 on Jan 12, 2017

# ? Jan 12, 2017 04:04

Vaginal Vagrant: Jan 12, 2007; by R. Guyovich

America is getting the Trump loving Goku it deserves and I'm glad.

# ? Jan 12, 2017 10:09

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

loquacius posted:

guntard

micropeen.txt

# ? Jan 12, 2017 13:24

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I "cheat" on my wife a lot.

We have been married for 6 years and it's great. However, about once a month I travel across country for work to our corporate HQ. I am there Monday-Friday and I get horny. I think I may be a sex addict but I don't know and don't really care to find out.

I was content to just jack off at first. But I have been making these trips for nearly our whole marriage, and porn gets boring after a while. About 3 years ago, just to kill some time, I made a tinder account. I originally planned on just finding some pictures of hot local women and jacking off to those. Add an air of realism that porn lacks. Instead I started messaging and, eventually, had sex.

I have been doing this ever since. Always NSA sex, I hide my wedding ring so the girls aren't hurt, and I wear a condom every time. It's cheating only in the loosest definitions, and it has honestly improved our relationship. I don't look at porn any more on these trips, I still find my wife extremely attractive, and my sexual needs are met.

uh, not really sure how that's not cheating bud

like, you're not having AFFAIRS, but yeah it's pretty straightforward cheating

quote:

So I posted a while back explaining my alien heritage and the challenges I faced after that. If you could find that post and link it I'd appreciate it since I used a throwaway email acct and don't have it.

Basically I found proof of alien life and more importantly a big coverup of the whole thing. I was an alien baby handed over to human parents, which explained my myriad mental and physical issues growing up. I planned to drive to the White House to speak to Obama about it but had some issues. Trump winning filled me with hope since I believe Barron Trump is also an alien human hybrid.

Over Christmas I brought up to my Earth parents my desire to go see this through and once again, point blank, told them to explain the conspiracy to me. I threatened them the only way I could - I threatened to destroy the family dinner and expose their lies to Mr. Trump. They then told me to leave the house, and since then I have been living at a men's shelter. I told them I lost my job (true, my last job was selling lemonade in 11th grade) and needed a place to stay. My parents continue to pay the phone bill so I can get online via my phone.

The inauguration is next Friday and I look forward to being there. I heard Donald was meeting with people who voted for him and I did, so hopefully I can explain what is going on. Maybe he will let me live in the White House with him, or maybe in New York with Ivanka and Barron. I have already made arrangements to be there and can't wait for it to happen.

I actually just made reference to this guy yesterday, had no idea this email was waiting in the queue. His earlier posts are this one and this one.

Ok now for my actual reaction: I'm foreseeing yet another Trump voter being sorely disappointed

# ? Jan 12, 2017 19:24

Tolkien minority: Feb 14, 2012

loquacius posted:

uh, not really sure how that's not cheating bud

like, you're not having AFFAIRS, but yeah it's pretty straightforward cheating

thats cheating under literally any definition of cheating you can come up with lol

# ? Jan 12, 2017 19:25

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

I'm not into cucking but I do watch guys plow my gf on the reg.

# ? Jan 12, 2017 19:29

WAY TO GO WAMPA!!: Oct 27, 2007

quote:

It's cheating only in the loosest definitions,

Fuckin' lol that is the definition

# ? Jan 12, 2017 19:30

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

WAY TO GO WAMPA!! posted:

Fuckin' lol that is the definition

I'm sure he'd be fine with his wife loving other dudes while he's gone. As long as she uses a condom of course.

# ? Jan 12, 2017 19:35

Personal Lucubrant: Oct 18, 2016; Just thinking about what to do with all the money I don't have.

God Chi goon and Alien Hybrid goon need to meet up and go visit Trump together to discuss creating the ultimate God Chi Alien Hybrid Master Race. #MAGA

# ? Jan 12, 2017 19:37

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Trevor the handicapped dude and rear end pens

# ? Jan 12, 2017 20:06

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Sticking your penis in random chicks who aren't your wife: probably not the loosest definition of cheating

# ? Jan 12, 2017 20:42

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

The Management posted:

Sticking your penis in random chicks who aren't your wife: probably not the loosest definition of cheating

That's correct your mom's vagina is easily 2x looser

# ? Jan 12, 2017 21:40

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Its not cheating. He doesnt even have on his wedding ring.

Idiots.

# ? Jan 13, 2017 02:49

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# ? May 10, 2024 11:52

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

He's also in a different zip code so it's cool.

One day he's going to have to change jobs and his wife will figure it out when he can't go two days without loving her.

# ? Jan 13, 2017 03:07

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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