quote:

I get nervous in public and lie in order to fit in. It was really bad as a kid, then abated a bit.

I recently started a tech job and it came back, and I am worried I am setting myself up for a major fall.

When I started my first day I noticed everyone was younger than me. I am 35, and everyone in my work group is between 20 and 25. I got nervous after I sat down and told everybody I was 22. I look youngish, so now everybody thinks I'm a mature looking 22 year old, instead of a baby faced 35 year old.

Which is great except for the next part. We were discussing relationships and I mentioned I had been single since college, which is true. However in my story that means I have been single for about a year, instead of the true 14 years I've been single. So I suddenly leapt several stages of desirability to the females in the office. When I mentioned I had my own apartment and my student loans were paid off, everybody acted like I was some wiz kid.

I am realizing now that I may be a fuckup as a 35 year old, but I'm way ahead of the curve as a 22 year old. I am considering the negative stuff here and nothing comes up. Worst case is I start dating a girl and have to lie about my age. But A) I already had a vasectomy to prevent sperm jacking years ago and B)We are all over 18 here.

quote:

HI i sent in previously about the medbots and I noticed a goon wanted a visual aid. I added one drawing I just did of the bot as I'm on my lunch break now and using the department computer which has Paint.



It's about 4 foot tall and almost as wide, and it has this big gray bumper on the front. It's also about 400 lbs I think, that's the intimidation part. Imagine a big 400 lb box following you around, able to smash you against the wall at any time. Now imagine 4 of them surrounding you, that's almost a ton. That's like a small car coming at you.

Thankfully I think things are over as one of the robots passed me today without incident. I whispered really quietly and said "I don't want war I want peace with you robots" and I think it understood this and I think that's all it wanted.

I do not claim to be a smart man or a great man but I think something unexplained happened in this hospital and I'm glad I could be a part of it and share it with these forums.

The Management posted:

He's also in a different zip code so it's cool.

One day he's going to have to change jobs and his wife will figure it out when he can't go two days without loving her.

quote:

So I suddenly leapt several stages of desirability to the females in the office

quote:

I've been having weird dreams and trouble sleeping lately. I keep falling asleep around midnight and waking up around 4 am. What's worse is the dreams I've been having lately. They've been about fetishes that I don't find sexually appealing. Last night I dreamt about foot fetish stuff. I've dreamt about armpit licking (as a sex thing), as well as a few other strange and not-very-sexy fetishes. I've also dreamt about sucking my own dick but that just leaves me frustrated that I'm to fat and not nearly flexible enough to do that IRL.

I really don't know what's up. While I'm single right now I very rarely feel sexual frustrated or otherwise unfulfilled and I'm perfectly happy with regular old sex when I do have a partner.

quote:

The last time I was weighed I clocked in at 528 lbs. That was 4 years ago and I'm definitely fatter now. So my confession is I am the fattest goon.

I was a really healthy kid growing up, which isn't the norm for stories like mine. I played football in high school, work landscaping as a side job, and my parents encouraged me to eat well and exercise. I hated all of that, which is why I totally rebelled once I hit college. You've heard of the freshman 15? I put on 57 lbs my freshman year of college, and continued to gain after that. I lived a mostly sedentary life, just going to class, watching TV in the dorm, and eating super rich college town foods. Wings and fries, greasy burgers, pizza, tacos, etc. Delicious food that had been denied to me before. And of course, lots of alcohol. I became a big fat alcoholic glutton and I loved it.

By the time I graduated college I had reached nearly 300 lbs, when I always hovered around 150 in high school. Not that hard when your daily caloric intake is about 5000 calories and you barely move every day. Some days I literally did not move - Saturdays I'd have pizza delivered to the dorm, my roommates would get the door, and I'd just stay in bed all day either napping or playing video games.

I graduated with a degree in accounting and got a good job. My parents were worried about my weight but I told them I was working on it, that stress from school was why I ballooned up. My first year of working, I barely left my desk, got fast food for lunch and dinner every day, and would spend my weekends almost exactly like my college years.

That was a decade ago and I've continually gained weight. My job allowed us to work from home so I started doing that. I never left the bed, snacked constantly, ate even larger portions for meals. I hit 500 lbs and my doctor began talking to me about possible death, all the health side effects, and the fact that I needed to change my lifestyle immediately. So I stopped going to the doctor.

Since then I have most assuredly gained more weight. I go to work once a week, except at tax season, when I'm in the office every day. Some of my coworkers make jokes about my weight but gently caress them.

The only part I miss is sex. I had a few steady girlfriends in high school, one FWB type deal in college freshman year, and nothing since. I haven't seen my penis in a while, and can only masturbate with a fleshlight attached to a swiffer handle. Not that it matters, my sex drive is pretty much non-existant.

Otherwise, life is good. I make good money at work, eat well, treat myself to anything I want, and overall I am happier than I ever was as a "healthy" person in high school.

Harakiri Potter posted:

So, eh, like which confessions would you like to hear read aloud from a voice over artist?

loquacius posted:

If it helps, I've heard sucking your own dick is more like sucking a dick than it is like getting your dick sucked

quote:

poopnanners posted:

lol that guy got you to post goatse and now i'm reposting it

the fattest goon posted:

I haven't seen my penis in a while, and can only masturbate with a fleshlight attached to a swiffer handle.

The Management posted:

I don't think a 500+ pound person can stand, much less walk. So forget going into work any days of the week or even living by yourself.

WampaLord posted:

Eh, I worked with a guy who had to be that big and he could stand and walk.

Jose posted:

How does sex work when you're that big

Jose posted:

How does sex work when you're that big

wernox posted:

I used to weigh 420 lbs

The Management posted:

You know the fattest goon is fake because he didn't mention his crippling depression.

I don't think a 500+ pound person can stand, much less walk. So forget going into work any days of the week or even living by yourself.

Mr. F! posted:

I once dreamt I could suck my own dick but when I put it in my mouth my dick went numb. Then I woke up

TotalLossBrain posted:

Did you have dick breath upon waking?

loquacius posted:

Not posting: a guy claiming to have mutilated himself (balls too)


oh well thank GOD the spermjacking possibility is out of the picture

really dodged a bullet there


It's okay guys, we can rest easy, the greatest diplomat of our generation has solved the problem

loquacius posted:

... eating ... pizza ... eating ... eating ... eating ... fast food

Wizzle posted:

I'm working from home today and had to turn around on my way to lunch to get on a high priority conference call. I don't have much in the house to eat and it would be incredibly rude of me to eat while on the phone anyway. I've also been on a diet lately to drop the holiday weight. I'm so jealous right now because I'm so hungry.

timp posted:

Hey, guys! This goon is jealous of a 500 lb man who masturbates himself with a fleshlight on a stick!

Gloryhold It! posted:

It's both yo. Just hard and murder on your back and neck.

quote:

I was an addict from the years 2007-2016 and still have near relapses at times. There's nothing shameful about addiction, AA and narcotics anonymous exist to give people a support system and help them realize they aren't alone. There's support group for hoarders, sex addicts, smokers, online gaming, and every issue you can think of. But there's no support group for me. Which makes my struggle really really hard.

For the last 9 years I was addicted to cooking.

I always enjoyed cooking, even as a kid. As I grew up I made it a centerpoint of my life. I would make meals for friends and family, I'd make fancy lunches to take to work, and I'd volunteer at the local homeless shelter and cook there. I cooked everything from scratch, watching hours of the food network every day to discover new tips and tricks.

I hit my lowest point around 2013. I was spending 700 dollars a week, going grocery shopping every day for fresh ingredients, and staying up until 4 or 5 am some nights cooking. Nobody at work realized it, they just thought I was cooking really nice lunches for myself. They didn't realize I was destroying myself to do it. I was donating pounds and pounds of delicious food to the homeless shelter every week, I was leaving giant tupperware containers of food at work for anyone who wanted it, and I was still eating a fancy new meal every breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I finally started seeing a psychiatrist when I came home and found I had ordered a giant smoker for making ribs and didn't even remember it. I spent 12000 dollars on it.

My psychiatrist helped a lot. My cooking was due to missing that as a child (my mother died in childbirth with my younger brother, my dad worked 12 hr days to keep the bills paid, so we ate a lot of prepared foods and only really cooked on weekends). I also have a case of obsessive compulsive disorder, which manifested in the need to constantly be buying newer/fresher/better things to cook or to cook with.

I started slowly reigning things in; still keeping cooking in my life but slowing it down and adding back in other hobbies and interests, and making sure I slept 8 hours a night.

I am happy to say that I have it mostly under control now. I cannot walk past the kitchen department in a department store, and I have permanently blocked the food network on my tv, but I hope to one day be able to safely enjoy those things too.

quote:

No way to sugarcoat this, I had an unusual childhood. I had no real mother to speak of, and my father died almost immediately after I was born. I know a lot about him from other people, and people say I look just like him. But that's the extent of our relationship. I idolized him a bit growing up, but I realize now that was pretty childish since he wasn't a great person overall.

Anyway, I didn't really have a childhood. I grew up really fast because of my circumstances, and I actually acted as a surrogate father for another kid when I was just barely an adult. But I think that was a good thing - it helped me grow a lot and helped me build some emotions I didn't know I had. I am still close to that kid now and he actually has a wife and daughter of his own, which is great for him. I would give my life for this kid, hell I'd jump in front of a laser blast for him.

After that I spent some time trying to find myself by going on a trip to my homeland, working out a lot, and just working on myself a lot. I even got my driver's license, which was something I didn't get to do growing up.

But anyway, on to the tough part.

I feel a bit lost with my place in life right now. Growing up I liked to be a badass, but mellowed out over age. I'm not a very sexual person, but I've had two close relationships with other men in my life. One was basically a one night stand when I visited my homeland, one was an on-again-off-again relationship with an older man who knew my father. The first one was a purely physical thing, but the second was a pretty emotional moment and I felt like I really unlocked who I was after we finally "joined bodies" so to speak.

I feel a bit adrift at this point. I've tried a few different hobbies, and I enjoy meditation and working out quite a bit. I also have a tight circle of friends that have helped me feel accepted. And I have enjoyed the pseudo-fathership role I took on. If anyone has advice for me it might be appreciated.

loquacius posted:

My main reaction was "this is someone who should probably be a professional chef" but maybe that's just me not really understanding addiction

Like, if you are a cooking addict, and you have a job as executive chef of a fancy restaurant that serves as a convenient outlet for it, is that good (because it turns it into something constructive and profitable) or bad (because it encourages a literal addiction)?

He Who Smelt It posted:

Cooking goon, how do you feel about Creme freche?