Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Improbable Lobster posted:

Don't worry, I'm sure that a predatory and incredibly overpriced housing market is great for 18 year -olds in the worst paid generation in decades to enter

Yeah, this is pretty true too. Maybe the next housing crash will fix things, but if the last one didn't do it I don't think anything will.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:01

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 00:53

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

GTA taught me that nothing drives down real estate prices like a good old-fashioned gang war

which is why I'm gonna start one so I can buy a dang house. Brb, grabbing my nunchuks.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:05

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

This is unironically why I'm thinking of buying in Humboldt Park.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:07

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

Jose posted:

this is a terrible idea because rent and house prices in most places are far out of reach of an 18 year old

There seems to be this assumption you'd charge them market rates for rent. You could charge them $50 or whatever they could reasonably manage. But if they're lazy/unmotivated and they're NOT paying any kind of rent or doing anything meaningful with their time then it's almost guaranteed they're going to be a problem.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

My five-year plan starts with sneaking up behind people and saying "did you hear there's gonna be a gang war in the nice rich part of town with all the big expensive houses???" really loud, then going "yeah I did hear that, they're gonna be shooting guns in the air and breaking windows, I sure am glad I don't live THERE, guess it's the lovely part of town now" in a different voice

then switch back to the first voice and go "oh man, even though those houses are so big and pretty and so close to Loquacius' favorite bars and restaurants? THOSE people have no shame!"
then with the second voice again "yes, if I were one of the old rich white people who owned one of them I'd sell it as fast as I could and gently caress off to California or something right away!"

then I'd run before they could see me

I figure if I can do that ten times a day for two solid years I should be set

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:14

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

u should periodically set off firecrackers too, keep em spooked. Then be like "i heard it was really coming to a head and there's illegal crime style heavy weapons somebody keeps trying to smuggle in" and that night throw an m80

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:22

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

I was really happy when they built a "hard to house" homeless shelter across the street. It killed the local elementary school and people directly adjacent got tons of vandalism and had all these horror stories and all I could think was "I hope his keeps my rent stagnant or even down"

Then my landlord increased my rent by about $100 a month. gently caress.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:27

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

if solice kirsk can bootstraps his way up everyone else can

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:29

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

If they have a car they could live in that for a while until they get their finances in order. Otherwise get some sleeping bags and hit the street. There's no excuse for leeching off your parents or in-laws like that. It's just the scummiest loving thing.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:38

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah, I should feel bad about turning my entire life around and not dying in the street like a lot of my friends. I just think you're not giving people enough credit. Charging a family member rent isn't gonna destroy their lives.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:38

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

KomodoWagon posted:

If they have a car they could live in that for a while until they get their finances in order. Otherwise get some sleeping bags and hit the street. There's no excuse for leeching off your parents or in-laws like that. It's just the scummiest loving thing.

Since when is living with your family scummy and leeching? Were you raised by wolves? Or spiders?

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:39

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

No no you see adults being forced to pay rent is a crime against humanity like torture

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:40

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Fitzy Fitz posted:

Since when is living with your family scummy and leeching? Were you raised by wolves? Or spiders?

I think you should peep that av and then save your time lol

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:41

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Solice Kirsk posted:

Yeah, I should feel bad about turning my entire life around and not dying in the street like a lot of my friends. I just think you're not giving people enough credit. Charging a family member rent isn't gonna destroy their lives.

you're the definition of bootstraps posting

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:42

MacheteZombie: Feb 4, 2007

KomodoWagon posted:

No no you see adults being forced to pay rent is a crime against humanity like torture

I agree with this. People should have living accommodations no matter their income levels, free of charge in many cases.

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:44

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

"Adults should be expected to pay for their lodging"

"Ayn Rand was right about everything, abolish taxes, harvest homeless people's organs. My favorite band is Rush."

Hmm you're right Jose those statements are identical

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:45

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Personally i feel everyone should have accomodation they can live in free of charge and i'm sorry this seems to be controversial

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:47

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

KomodoWagon posted:

"Adults should be expected to pay for their lodging"

"Ayn Rand was right about everything, abolish taxes, harvest homeless people's organs. My favorite band is Rush."

Hmm you're right Jose those statements are identical

Rush is a pretty good band though, for reals

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:47

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

KomodoWagon posted:

"Adults should be expected to pay for their lodging"

"Ayn Rand was right about everything, abolish taxes, harvest homeless people's organs. My favorite band is Rush."

Hmm you're right Jose those statements are identical

every post you make reminds me why you have your red text lol

# ? Jan 18, 2017 23:49

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Nooner posted:

Rush is a pretty good band though, for reals

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:08

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Jose posted:

Personally i feel everyone should have accomodation they can live in free of charge and i'm sorry this seems to be controversial

I agree with you on this. Unfortunately I live in the real world where this is never going to come close to happening in our, our kids, their kids, or even their kids lifetimes.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:11

DicktheCat: Feb 15, 2011

Jesus loving Christ.

(Not any particular comment. Just the lot of them all.)

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:17

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah, loquacious can you post a confession of someone who thinks they're Goku so I can stop making GBS threads up this thread.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:25

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah it's probably about time

quote:

I am a big of a fitness freak and take a martial arts class 3 times a week. It's super fun, it's good for me, and it's taught me how to defend myself in a fight if that ever comes up in life.

At the start of the new year we got a new student, Devon. Devon is a bully, no way around it. He's a pretty big guy, 2nd only to me. He likes to throw his weight around a bit and has injured some of the other students. Our sensei has talked to him, but Devon always claims he "gets in the zone" and doesn't know his own strength, so it's never a big issue. He's also smart enough to lay low for a few classes before hurting somebody else.

The breaking point came during class last week. Some of the other students were waiting for their rides to come pick them up, so we decided to stop at Auntie Ann's for a pretzel while they waited. I could have just left and driven home, but I like these guys and wanted to socialize a bit. The karate gym is in a mall, in case you haven't guessed.

We are walking to Auntie Ann's in our karate gis and Devon comes out of nowhere. He starts making fun of a student with a lisp, another who has really bad acne, and the only girl in our class. He then set his sights on me and calls me an old weirdo who had no friends. I told him, these are my friends right here, and he then started mocking my age.

I am a bit older than the rest of the class - it's designed for ages 8-13 but due to some health issues, it's the highest intensity martial arts class I can take at age 24. I then told Devon to gently caress off, and yeah, I used the f word. Turns out Devon was recording this on his phone and claimed he would turn me in to the police for corrupting minors. Good news - we live in a state where you cannot secretly record a conversation, the other party has to consent or else it's not able to be used as evidence in court.

Bad news - I do not know how to handle Devon going forward. I am not so petty that I'd beat him up in class, even though I think I could. Due to those aforementioned health issues I'm usually paired up with sensei or a sparring dummy, not one of the kids, so I couldn't "sneakily" do it during sparring.

I also did some facebook sneaking and found out Devon's mother is single. I have thought about taking her out on a date and trying to woo her so I could tell Devon "I'm your dad now, bitch", but I feel like this is a lot of money/time to invest and probably wouldn't pay off.

Final thing - Devon is obsessed with calling me creepy and keeps saying he will get me arrested. I am not creepy at all, I have no weird things that could get me in trouble, and I've never broken the law in my life. I am thinking about getting a lawyer on retainer to be safe, especially with that recording floating around.

I am restraining myself from making fun of you for going to a kids' karate class in a mall and having trouble with a bully

It's hard

That said, the kid is, what, 12? Who cares what he says? You're an adult.

Do hit on his mom though, even if she shoots you down you can keep saying to him how hot she is etc

quote:

I constantly am scamming people to get free things. I have devoted myself to this lifestyle whole-heartedly and no longer have a 9-5 job. It is very lucrative and the rush keeps my depression at bay too.

I get most of my groceries at the local gas station. It's easy as hell in the winter - I just wear a fleece pullover and fill up with eggs, milk, frozen foods, etc. It's overpriced there but security is so much less than a grocery store. In the summer it's a bit trickier. The checkout counter is in a little alcove to the left of the doors (sorry if this isn't very descriptive). If you confidently walk out, most of the time they don't even notice you.

Anything that the gas station doesn't stock, I'll swipe from Wal-mart. I'll go buy a plastic storage container (around 7 dollars) and fill it with groceries. Making sure it's not clear and that nobody is really noticing me. Then I close up the tote, go through self checkout with my one item, and leave. I don't push it too hard, but I can get about 40-50 dollars worth of food at a time without too much issue. I try to keep this to every 2-3 weeks so security doesn't notice me buying containers all the time.

I like to eat out mostly, though, rather than cook. Always chain places. If a place has pickup orders I'll just walk up there and say "My boss called in an order - I'm not sure what name he put in under." If there's food that's already been paid for, I just grab it and go. If it needs paid for, I'll say there must be an issue and act like I'm frustrated with my boss. Very rarely, people give me the food. If they don't, I just leave. I also dine and dash quite a bit, probably once a week. Just go during peak times and it's not a big deal. Again, I go chain because the financial impact to them is relatively small vs a family owned place, so they're less likely to spend time and money trying to catch a guy who ripped them off only 50 bucks every week or so.

That's all well and good for food, but how do I pay for rent, utilities, gas? I don't. My father died in his sleep about a year ago. I'm his only living relative. I never reported the death and just buried him in the back yard. I still get his social security checks. There was an X-Files episode with a similar bit and I got nervous people would figure it out, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm also currently living in dad's house (which is paid off). The next door neighbor is elderly and not all there upstairs. I help her out cutting her grass and maintaining her lawn, and in return she gives me "$20 dollars" a week. Her way of giving 20 dollars is to just give me a blank check so I can write down $20 on it. I've taken about $30k from this old broad so far. I checked her account info at the bank, posing as a concerned grandson, and she's got plenty left for me to take before she dies.

And here's the sweetest plum of all. My previous job involved me having a company credit card for expense reports while traveling. I no longer have access to the expense reporting tool, but I still have the credit card. When i worked there, I'd use the card for travel, fill out an expense report, and get reimbursed. Then the bill came to my office and I paid it with that money the company paid. Important to note, it was a corporate card and not specifically tied to me.

I still use the card and somebody must mindlessly be paying that bill, because I've never received a call or had anyone tell me the card was invalid.

I'm sure armchair psychologists are going to say I'm a narcissist, or grew up rich and want to continue it, or grew up poor and want things I couldn't have. But none of that is true. I just figured out how to maximize my life and use my god given gifts to help myself.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:39

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

quote:

I am a big of a fitness freak and take a martial arts class 3 times a week. It's super fun, it's good for me, and it's taught me how to defend myself in a fight if that ever comes up in life.

At the start of the new year we got a new student, Devon. Devon is a bully, no way around it. He's a pretty big guy, 2nd only to me. He likes to throw his weight around a bit and has injured some of the other students. Our sensei has talked to him, but Devon always claims he "gets in the zone" and doesn't know his own strength, so it's never a big issue. He's also smart enough to lay low for a few classes before hurting somebody else.

The breaking point came during class last week. Some of the other students were waiting for their rides to come pick them up, so we decided to stop at Auntie Ann's for a pretzel while they waited. I could have just left and driven home, but I like these guys and wanted to socialize a bit. The karate gym is in a mall, in case you haven't guessed.

We are walking to Auntie Ann's in our karate gis and Devon comes out of nowhere. He starts making fun of a student with a lisp, another who has really bad acne, and the only girl in our class. He then set his sights on me and calls me an old weirdo who had no friends. I told him, these are my friends right here, and he then started mocking my age.

I am a bit older than the rest of the class - it's designed for ages 8-13 but due to some health issues, it's the highest intensity martial arts class I can take at age 24. I then told Devon to gently caress off, and yeah, I used the f word. Turns out Devon was recording this on his phone and claimed he would turn me in to the police for corrupting minors. Good news - we live in a state where you cannot secretly record a conversation, the other party has to consent or else it's not able to be used as evidence in court.

Bad news - I do not know how to handle Devon going forward. I am not so petty that I'd beat him up in class, even though I think I could. Due to those aforementioned health issues I'm usually paired up with sensei or a sparring dummy, not one of the kids, so I couldn't "sneakily" do it during sparring.

I also did some facebook sneaking and found out Devon's mother is single. I have thought about taking her out on a date and trying to woo her so I could tell Devon "I'm your dad now, bitch", but I feel like this is a lot of money/time to invest and probably wouldn't pay off.

Final thing - Devon is obsessed with calling me creepy and keeps saying he will get me arrested. I am not creepy at all, I have no weird things that could get me in trouble, and I've never broken the law in my life. I am thinking about getting a lawyer on retainer to be safe, especially with that recording floating around.

Wasn't this a Kramer b plot in Seinfeld?

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:42

Wintermutant: Oct 2, 2009; Dinosaur Gum

Pretty sure the last confession is from Frank Gallagher

# ? Jan 19, 2017 00:49

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Solice Kirsk posted:

Wasn't this a Kramer b plot in Seinfeld?

I thought it was an anime.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 01:32

Kirk Vikernes: Apr 26, 2004; Count Goatnackh

Solice Kirsk posted:

Yeah, this is pretty true too. Maybe the next housing crash will fix things, but if the last one didn't do it I don't think anything will.

This last housing crash is cool and good. I just sold the house I bought new in '02 and will be purchasing another similarly aged or newer house 1.5-2x the size for the less money per month. Just have to decide on which one.

Maybe Jastiger could do the lord's work and lead a pilgrimage of millenial goons to Iowa where real-estate is cheap. He could feed them all from a single basket of chops.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 01:57

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Bullshit. If your father died leaving a fully paid house you would just sell it and live on that money for a long time. Or rent it out to some idiots and keep the money. Either way, you wouldn't need to risk federal prison by stealing social security

# ? Jan 19, 2017 02:01

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Solice Kirsk posted:

Yeah, I should feel bad about turning my entire life around and not dying in the street like a lot of my friends. I just think you're not giving people enough credit. Charging a family member rent isn't gonna destroy their lives.

Lol the only reason you even have a job is because taxpayers bailed out your corrupt, outright evil industry. Keep on blaming the poor though like a retard.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 02:24

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

loquacius posted:

I mean, you sound a little judgey considering you're right there in that basement with him, but your current lifestyle does sound unsustainable. Talk to him about possible changes you could make (move somewhere else? Night school? Just plain better job searching?) but I don't think it's worth dumping him over unless he seems completely unwilling to change things up.

But that extends to you too. Remember, it's not the 19th century up in here. You can make changes in your life too. Don't put it all on him. You didn't really mention whether either of you has an irresponsible spending problem or a drug addiction or whatever, so it's kind of hard for me to say it's All His Fault. He's just a dude trying to get by, as far as I know.

I think this young lady should Seek an Arrangement.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 02:24

Idiot Kicker: Jun 13, 2007

Solice Kirsk posted:

Wasn't this a Kramer b plot in Seinfeld?

Were there street toughs involved?

# ? Jan 19, 2017 04:01

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Idiot Kicker posted:

Were there street toughs involved?

Think it was Kramer beating up little kids in karate class. Then they all team up and beat him up. The street toughs stole an armoire, and that is as tough as they come though.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 07:03

skeletonotherkin: Sep 26, 2014

Solice Kirsk posted:

Wasn't this a Kramer b plot in Seinfeld?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7t8xwpW8gJQ

# ? Jan 19, 2017 08:00

Anton Chigurh: Mar 18, 2008; Can't post for 9 years!

quote:

I'm sure armchair psychologists are going to say I'm a narcissist, or grew up rich and want to continue it, or grew up poor and want things I couldn't have. But none of that is true. I just figured out how to maximize my life and use my god given gifts to help myself.

Nope, just a run-of-the-mill liar, posting another fantasy in an anonymous confession thread.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 09:09

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

No, I think he's telling the truth. Also he sounds handsome and I bet he's got a big penis too.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 09:28

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

fruit on the bottom posted:

No, I think he's telling the truth. Also he sounds handsome and I bet he's got a big penis too.

NOT AS BIG AS MINE

MY DICK IS REALLY BIG, INTERNET. loving HUMONGOUS. JUST NEED YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT

THANKS

# ? Jan 19, 2017 10:09

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Hardly any of that is "scamming", it's just plain old petty theft. The dead dad thing definitely didn't happen though. Who isn't going to notice a guy digging a human sized grave in his yard and report it? Nobody does that aside from i guess murderers so if you really did do it I hope you enjoy being investigated for killing him on top of the social security stuff.

# ? Jan 19, 2017 10:27

Abugadu: Jul 12, 2004; 1st Sgt. Matthews and the men have Procured for me a cummerbund from a traveling gypsy, who screeched Victory shall come at a Terrible price. i am Honored.

LOOK AT MY NOVEL IDEA OF SAVING MONEY

*steals poo poo*

# ? Jan 19, 2017 13:15

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 00:53

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Abugadu posted:

LOOK AT MY NOVEL IDEA OF SAVING MONEY

*steals poo poo*

and his name was Albert Einstein

# ? Jan 19, 2017 16:26

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »