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Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

loquacius posted:

When the Large Hardon Collider was turned on it alerted us to aliens who seek to kill/enslave us all.

People, it's Hadron Collider. Like the particle.

Large Hard-On Collider would be a good name for a gay club.

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SnoozeOrder
Aug 2, 2016
i know nothing about hadrons and everything about hardons

Stickfigure
Sep 4, 2011

by Nyc_Tattoo

SnoozeOrder posted:

i know nothing about hadrons and everything about hardons

I,on the other hand, am an impotent physicist.

therattle
Jul 24, 2007
Soiled Meat

Police Automaton posted:

People, it's Hadron Collider. Like the particle.

Large Hard-On Collider would be a good name for a gay club.

"What kind of quark are you?"
"Excuse me?"
"Top or bottom?"

quote:

:
I pretended to have cancer for about 18 months. I did it at first to get out of work. I needed a week off, my bosses refused, so I "woke up feeling really sick". I came in to work and said I had cancer, and since I work in a small grocery store and nobody gives a poo poo, that was it. I then proceeded to take a bunch of time off for the next year, inlcuding holidays, which are BULLSHIT to work at agrocey store anyway.

I got more pussy while I was cancer positive than ever before. Because 1 > 0 lol.

I eventually got over my cancer when that pussy train dried up and I realized it wasn't really beneficial to keep lying.

Also I'm high AF right now thanks to some sweet medical marijuana. Not due to cancer but due to my glockoma.

Glockoma (noun): an eye condition affecting armed white policemen which makes them see weapons and threatening behaviour in black men which aren't actually there, and consequently shoot them.

therattle fucked around with this message at 14:02 on Feb 3, 2017

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

quote:

alkie goon checking in from a while back. one month into the new year and so far I've stuck to not drinking by myself anymore and it's made a big difference. I'm still really anxious between work and wedding planning but it's easier to plan my day and get out of bed when I'm not in a hungover daze. nobody else commented on my fesh, it was pretty dull, but loquacious's "godspeed, alkie goon" was actually very encouraging

Glad I could help, keep not getting drunk all the time :)

quote:

This will probably be a lovely confession but I want to hear other people's opinions on my situation. I think I have a bad habit of abandoning my friends.
My first story involves my best friend from adolescence, "Jerry." I convinced myself that I had to quit being friends with him because he would humiliate me in social situations. I'd like to think I could handle most of the ball busting but I would become uncomfortable whenever he dropped I was a virgin. The real reason might have had to do with bitter/jealous feelings towards his girlfriend, let's call her "Jessy."
I first met her in high school, and one afternoon we hooked up. Our make out session never graduated because I didn't bring a rubber and she didn't want to wait for me to grab one. We made out a little more but then just hung and talked. Either I texted "Jerry" or he texted me, but "Jessy" wanted to talk to him too. They hadn't met yet but I had told her about him. I asked her what they were talking about but she didn't tell me and when she returned my phone she had deleted the message log. When I asked him he told me they were talking about me. A few weeks later "Jerry" told me both him and "Jessy" really liked each other and wanted to date each other. I was kinda happy for them, at first, because I thought they were a good match.
They begin dating on and off. One time when they were off I go to hangout with "Jessy" alone. On my way to her house, I get a text from "Jerry," "Please don't sleep with her, dude." I didn't end up sleeping with her that day. They continue on and off dating, and I begin to resent both of them. I'm not sure who started it but "Jessy" and I start not getting along and I can't hang out with out "Jerry" without her.
Eventually I just tell him I don't wanna hang out with him much anymore. He comes over and we talk about it. We both apologize for not being the best friend to each other, (I think) but I tell him I'm not ready to forgive him. He leaves crying, which I wasn't ready for, but I just let him go.
My second story involves a my friend, "Erik", and who I began hanging out with more after I quit being friends with "Jerry." We've been good friends for the past few years, but I've began to dislike him. He's kinda racist but has always assured me he was just trying to make a joke. He likes to brag and gossip, and it's getting on my nerves because I wonder what he says about me behind my back. He also never seems to pay for anything when we hang. But it's another girlfriend issue that might be the final straw.
I'd like to tell you it has nothing to do with me being jealous, but I'm not entirely sure. Nevertheless, I think he might be abusing his girlfriend. It's kinda been a running joke about his relationship. On multiple occasions I've seen him choking her when my back is turned. They say it's their fetish, and that's fine and cool but I don't wanna be a voyeur to this. Also maybe a year ago she got a black eye, because apparently she was drunk and attacked "Erik", and he had to hit her because she wouldn't let go of his balls.
Last year we all went out drinking with the girlfriends sister at a campus bar. Many drinks later "Erik's" girlfriend needs to use the restroom and the bar is closed so she has to find a public restroom. She find a dorm resident and he starts leading her to restroom, while we hang out at a patio. "Erik" leaves to escort his girlfriend and the stranger. While they're both gone, the girlfriend's sister tells me she doesn't like the way "Erik" treats her sister. I'm put in uncomfortable situation, and I've had too many, I don't really wanna defend him because I'm not entirely sure what's going on with the both of them. The best I manage is to obnoxiously blurt out, "I don't like the way they treat each other, they've both cheated on each other!" I might have said more about "what's wrong with a boyfriend escorting his inebriated girlfriend on a college campus!" The night quickly ends after that. The next day I eat a lot of poo poo for revealing that to his girlfriend's sister. He get angry at me another time and tells me he's not sure if we can still be friends.
I'm not sure I even wanna be friends with "Erik" anymore but I feel bad for his girlfriend, and I'm also worried about not having any friends to hang out socially with. I could start hanging out with "Jerry" again because he's still around (he's sort of friends with my brothers). I guess my confession is I'm lovely person because I'm overlooking abuse so I won't be lonely.

Story #1 is teenager stuff, it's tough but it happens

As for story #2, that relationship sounds like a trainwreck but it also doesn't really sound like there's any loss for you if you :sever: with both of them

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph

Helpful advice for some of the confessors, you know who you are.

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010

Afraid of ET goonette, I know your pain.

That little fucker is creepy and scary!

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~
College Slice

loquacius posted:

alkie goon posted:

alkie goon checking in from a while back. one month into the new year and so far I've stuck to not drinking by myself anymore and it's made a big difference. I'm still really anxious between work and wedding planning but it's easier to plan my day and get out of bed when I'm not in a hungover daze. nobody else commented on my fesh, it was pretty dull, but loquacious's "godspeed, alkie goon" was actually very encouraging

The anxiety may be caused by something called post-acute withdrawal syndrome. Stick with it and wait it out--it'll get better. Try to keep busy and remember to take time to do stuff you enjoy (other than drinking). Go for a hike, go see a film, play some videogames, etc. If you keep your mind off it, one day you'll realize that you're not so anxious anymore :peanut:

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

The anxiety may be caused by something called post-acute withdrawal syndrome. Stick with it and wait it out--it'll get better. Try to keep busy and remember to take time to do stuff you enjoy (other than drinking). Go for a hike, go see a film, play some videogames, etc. If you keep your mind off it, one day you'll realize that you're not so anxious anymore :peanut:

Somewhere in my brain this got mixed up as an answer to the ET-phobia and made things really weird.

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan
Loquacius you'd better prioritize therapy boy's update! Where's the good poo poo?! Are you holding out on us?

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."
The update is that they took everything.

They took his kidneys. They even took his godamn eyes.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Now that I'm out of cat jail, I can post the update. It only came in about 2 hours ago anyway.

quote:

Therapy goon here. Yeah, well. When I got there first thing I noticed was that she wasn't in her usual office stuff but completely casual. Maybe it sounds like a weird thing to notice, but I never saw her dressed like that in the months I've known her now and that made it weird to me. Her make-up was different somehow too. It all made her look a lot younger.

She was obviously nervous. The whole thing was super awkward. We were barely making eye contact. Honestly, I just wanted to get up and leave. I felt very tense. It's funny because I first wanted to talk about this and when I was there, I suddenly didn't feel like talking about it at all. I would have been perfectly fine with having a normal session and just pretending that nothing happened.

Yeah, as goons said in the thread and I was also assuming, the gist was that she can't be my therapist anymore after what happened. She told me about her colleague for referral and that she respects him very much, the usual stuff. Didn't expect anything else, she's not gonna say "well I don't know him really but it's all I could do". Apparently he's quite a bit older than me and that might be a positive, too. When I was searching I somehow felt it was weird to have this therapist/client relationship with somebody my age or younger. That's probably my own hang-up, but yeah. What was important for me though is I won't have much interruption in my sessions, everything was set and I just had to say the word, she will take care of everything paperwork-wise and my therapy sessions as green-lighted by the insurance company will continue with him "at the very latest" next month. I don't know how it is in the US or elsewhere, but in my country that's a minor wonder. I had waiting times of on average 6 to 8 months quoted at me, and this worried me a lot. I didn't want to be yet another year older to continue this. The only alternative would've been a clinic and yeah, I am really not interested in that. My place was not that bad, and even if it was I wouldn't want to go into a clinic. So I agreed with her plan.

She apologized profusely in regards of mistreating our therapist/client relationship like she did and that it was very wrong and unprofessional behaviour of her. She also was meeting me off-hours today as she didn't find it right to waste my therapy session (and get paid I assume) to talk about this. I assumed the conversation would end here, and we would say our good-byes.

Yeah, but the conversation with her didn't end here. Turns out she apparently had a thing for me for a while, at first she thought it was a passing infatuation, but then it just got deeper with time and getting to know me better, she said what she liked but I don't want to repeat it. She started looking forward to seeing me, even knowing it was not right to feel that way. She tried to remain as professional as possible because she wanted to keep seeing me and helping me and I guess she did a good job because this came out of nowhere for me. Besides getting kissed by her, obviously. I might also be a very dense fucker. The more I think about it now, there more I see some possible hints for that, like the one time I had an eyelash stuck in my eye (I don't recommend it) and she helped me get it out and got really close with her face. Or how touchy-feely she always was, for example when I put on my winter clothes (we have brutal winters here) being with her hands all over my clothing and my scarf and collar, straightening them out while in conversation. Before you ask, yeah I'm able to dress myself, have been for a while now even! Dozen other tiny things like that where she came a bit into my personal space. I didn't think much about it and some people are just touchy-feely and always with their hands all over you and it doesn't really mean anything. Maybe it didn't mean anything anyways. Who knows.

But I didn't notice a thing. She said what happened last week was pretty much proof to her that she just can't remain at a distance. I touched her deeply and she just wanted to comfort me, she just felt that I needed her as a woman, and it made her so sad herself that I am so hurt, because she felt so close to me then, as stupid as that might sound. It did sound a bit stupid. I will not deny that I felt very touched though, but I also felt this was a bit weird and I really wasn't sure we even should have this talk or I even should know this. This is also normally the moment I run away from any kind of emotional closeness. I decided to ignore all those doubts this time.

She wasn't a therapist for me at that moment. I started calling her by her first name, I told her how I felt about it. I left the parts of being overwhelmed and maybe a little uncomfortable out, and put weight on the part about it being amazing a bit more, That it really gave me something. That I felt attraction too. Yeah somewhat of a white lie, or a slight distortion but whatever. I didn't want to make this more weird and complicated than it already was. Long story short, we agreed we are going to explore this together and that I will get to learn more about her. She said it's still inappropriate but that are feelings she will have to deal with herself. She wants to go for it, and we both don't want to have to regret not doing it. She seemed happy with that, and quite frankly, she looks even more gorgeous when she smiles.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I might be a sadbrains virgin loser, but I'm also aware this might end not so well and is not the best idea two people ever had together. I'm also aware she might be a bit weird for even letting this happen. I'm not that naive. But oh my god, I'm just so. tired. of being alone. A few weeks ago I noticed that some of my hairs are turning grey. I don't want to loving go my entire life alone without this experience of just being with a woman. You know what your dating prospects are as a 33 year old recently unemployed man who lives with his parents? Exactly. I'm also really loving tired of meeting women on the internet who live somewhere on the globe where I'll probably never meet them anyways. Very neurotic and weird women that often suffer from some kind of mental illness and/or are way too young for me. I'm tired of my "relationships" ending with dramatic typing and a block in some messenger program. It might work out for some people but I wasted way too many years with that poo poo.

On new years I sat with my parents (who are starting to get old very noticeably) and my boring as gently caress extended family, who are all too cheap for some proper fireworks for their kids so I spent the evening entertaining them with silly indoor poo poo. I then ended up going to my room and you know what I did? I cried, telling myself that I died and this is obviously hell, then begging God or Satan or whoever is listening to kill me because nobody ever should feel that alone. Admittedly, I had a few too many. But - I'm just so loving tired of always being alone with everything and that is my excuse, I do not know what hers is and also you know what, gently caress it. I don't even care. I've got nothing to lose. I want somebody I can do things with, share things with, and do sex things with and why not? She's smart, cute, she likes me. She's got a good career. She has a pulse. More than I can ask for already!

We talked some more, I wasn't so comfortable with talking in her office sitting in that chair and her sitting in hers and we agreed we should go elsewhere but not today, because I had to babysit my niece. Yes, I'm the weird uncle. She offered to drive me there, and I went for it. She drives a very nice car. After we arrived we kept sitting in the car and talked some more. I learned a few things about her. She's well-read, which I liked because I read a lot too (less since I got so depressed) and I rarely meet people who read or have read anything besides stuff like Harry Potter. A bit quirky and awkward maybe. I found that cute. Surprisingly chatty. I'm not sure if it is because she's probably the whitest person on earth but in the dim lighting she also looked absolutely stunning, especially her eyes. I felt pretty good about my decision. We kissed again. It went a bit farther than last time. I'm going to see her again tomorrow.

So yeah, maybe this is all very wrong. I won't even deny it but I'm currently listening to some BoC and I feel great. It's hard to explain. It's like a high. Nothing seems out of my reach. This permanent stress and pressure I felt all day, every day is just gone for now. I feel so young. I can't even remember ever feeling this way before. It's also funny that I always thought I'd somehow screw up french kissing. She seemed happy, I could feel it. We've been texting and I guess I'm going to change her contact to her first name now. Small thing but still a weird feeling, especially when I just look at the messages and how they're suddenly so personal and were just about some appointment things earlier. I'm not sure about tomorrow or next week or next month, today helped but of course I'm not completely past as seeing her as my therapist just like that and it sat in the back of my head the entire time. Things like she's got a file and notes with my name on it. I also don't know if I can bring this up to the other therapist. I think she knew for a bit longer what she wanted, on my side this entire situation is completely new. I don't want to dwell on it and I'll hold onto this as best as I can - because yes, I like her a lot. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

This was an incredibly dense day, felt like more happened today than the last four years. I'll probably proceed to freak out tomorrow, but today I had a great day. Is this alright? Can I have a great day? I think I can. Sorry for this long word salad.

A Strange Aeon
Mar 26, 2010

You are now a slimy little toad
The Great Twist
BoC = Blue Oyster Cult??

Anton Chigurh
Mar 18, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 9 years!

loquacius posted:

Therapy goon

I want to believe.

knows a black guy
Jun 18, 2005

Boards of Canada?

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010

Aww, a happy ending for therapy goon.

Anton Chigurh posted:

I want to believe.

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?
Another confession thread success story. Have fun with it, therapy goon. But be aware that when you're "better" she's probably going to lose interest and be into another patient.

mkultra419
May 4, 2005

Modern Day Alchemist
Pillbug

Anton Chigurh posted:

I want to believe.

Me too.

Good for you Therapy Goon. It seems like you are both going into this thing eyes open to it being a bit of a weird situation, which is probably a good sign you are both at least somewhat rational about relationships. Give it a go and see what happens!

Also even if it doesn't work out, early 30s is really not that old to have not yet gotten into a life long relationship. So don't get discouraged.

DragQueenofAngmar
Dec 29, 2009

You shall not pass!

The Management posted:

Another confession thread success story. Have fun with it, therapy goon. But be aware that when you're "better" she's probably going to lose interest and be into another patient.

Yeah this sounds like serious "bird with broken wing" syndrome on the therapists part

Then again if this gives the guy the boost he needs to claw his way out of the depression hole he's in, it might be the first Rescuing of A Troubled but Beautiful Soul story that actually succeeds that I've seen

802.11weed
May 9, 2007

no

knows a black guy posted:

Boards of Canada?

as much as I love Boards I don't think their music has ever made anyone feel upbeat

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009

Congratulations on the breakthrough with your fictitious therapist, broken wing goon

Doctor Malaver
May 23, 2007

Ce qui s'est passé t'a rendu plus fort

A Strange Aeon posted:

BoC = Blue Oyster Cult??

"Biohazard or Clawfinger"

timp
Sep 19, 2007

Everything is in my control
Lipstick Apathy

The Management posted:

Another confession thread success story. Have fun with it, therapy goon. But be aware that when you're "better" she's probably going to lose interest and be into another patient.

Goddamnit The Management, cut this poo poo out!!

Nissin Cup Nudist
Sep 3, 2011

Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land




Anton Chigurh posted:

I want to believe.

same here

GJ therapy goon

christmas boots
Oct 15, 2012

To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out
Biscuit Hider

timp posted:

Goddamnit The Management, cut this poo poo out!!

Well if it goes wrong, you can always blame The Management.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Drowning in feshes right now, here's some more

quote:

I have a nightmare at least once a week that ends with me waking up screaming. Not the same nightmare but it usually follows the same pattern. I'm sneaking around a building, trying to avoid being seen or captured by some mysterious figure.

I'll survive for a while, then I end up in a narrow hallway at the end of the dream. At this point I'm caught by whatever I'm supposed to be avoiding. I woke up this morning and remember the dream really vividly. I was sneaking behind a couch, and could see the top of someone's head sitting in it. Then their head turned around 180 degrees, their eyes lit up and starting blinding me, and their mouth opened and a siren started blaring from it.

I do not know what causes these dreams. My last girlfriend left me because of how often it happened and my refusal to go see a shrink. Despite that I still refuse to go see someone.

quote:

I'm a bit of a foodie and like trying new things. Crazy spices, new sauces, exotic meats, stuff like that. I like to travel, too, which helps scratch that itch.

I made friends with a good ol' country boy at work who introduced me to some weirder things like raccoon, possum, and even dog. Don't worry - it was a roadkill dog that he thoroughly cleaned and carefully prepared.

Here's where you should worry - he also introduced me to long pig. This was a consensual thing, nothing illegal. He was dating a girl with a vore fetish, she'd let him cook a SMALL amount of her flesh every so often, and his brother (who was a vet) would ensure it was done safely and in a sterile environment. She's still alive and even though they broke up, they still remain friends.

Anyway, human flesh was delicious. I don't know if it's the taboo nature or if it's just legitimately that tasty, but it's right up there with veal and whale meat for me. A small amount of salt and pepper, a little bit of time in a skillet, and you have seriously the most delicious little snack.

I never plan on eating human again, but I wouldn't say no if it was offered to me.

Skipped yet another one involving incels and Donald Trump; would probably have skipped the cannibalism one too if I were sober rn

value-brand cereal
May 2, 2008

loquacius posted:

First Fesh

Quit sleeping on your back. Make sure your airway is straight-ish and clear and you're not covering your face holes with blankies. If you have trouble breathing it's going to reflect that via freaky rear end dreams.

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar
How is that even a confession, and why is it anonymous? People post about their boring spooky dreams all the time. If you go to see someone about it they'll just say something about breathing like the post above me and maybe do a sleep study but in the end if there's no physical cause like the way you sleep will just shrug and say it's just a dream, because that's all it is. Dream analysis to me is like fortune telling/horoscopes/etc anyway - you will see whatever "meaning" you want to see, when there probably isn't one.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Yeah sleep goon, if it's happening all the time then it's just something you'll get used to. I've been dealing with that sort of thing for years and years and years. Just recently I noticed that sleeping with a fan on or some sort of noise (10 hour youtube videos of storm noises and ship noises) has actually helped a lot. Sleep on your side with noise. Or try the separate beds thing with girlfriends. That seemed to work with pretty much every tv couple in the 1950's.

SillyOldBag
Nov 6, 2009

if it aint swole then punch the tip and twist it
It sounds stupid, but I had nightmares a lot until I started sleeping with my feet out of the blankets to prevent overheating. I think your body finds the shittiest way to wake you up if it needs to. Same thing now if I don't pee before bed.

Is sleeping on your side something about aligning your airway, or something else?

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Anton Chigurh posted:

I want to believe.

Same. Didn't think she'd go for it but it doesn't seem to be too unbelievable either. It's not professional but people end up in unprofessional relationships that shouldn't be all the time. Don't see why it should be different here. We don't really know all the details.

The lesson he hopefully took away is that he has to take initiative if he wants anything to happen in his life. If he wouldn't have gone for it I think he would've gone home alone. I think it's now important for both to move as far away from the professional nature of the relationship as possible. Don't bring therapy stuff up therapy goon. I think you know that. It's also understandable you have doubts, but keep them for yourself for now, because I'm sure she has them too and talking about them would just turn them into a runaway reaction. Try to build a personal connection with support on other things as quick as possible. That was already a good start.

Also don't be discouraged if the thing falls apart after a few dates, you're by far not too old to find someone. People much older than you look for and find other people. She is into you, that means other women can be into you too.

Re: Dreams

I had tons of nightmares regarding atomic war that kept echoing even after the world situation changed for years now and then. I found what helped best is not to dwell on them too much and getting distracted with other things as soon as you wake up. You can always lie down about half an hour etc. later. I found just lying around bed and turning the dream over in my head was never a good idea.

E: They recently reintroduced the early warning sirens from that time in my city because catastrophes/terrorism and test them now and then. This does not make me very happy. They were a big component in those dreams.

Police Automaton fucked around with this message at 10:12 on Feb 4, 2017

thoughts and prayers
Apr 22, 2013

Love heals all wounds. We hope you continually carry love in your heart. Today and always, may loving memories bring you peace, comfort, and strength. We sympathize with the family of (Name). We shall never forget you in our prayers and thoughts. I am at a loss for words during this sorrowful time.

Nightmare goon: I wonder if he's got sleep apnea. That stuff happened to me before I got surgery for my sinuses and I could breathe. My snoring really went away too.

bird with big dick
Oct 21, 2015

My therapist put her hands all over me while "helping" me put me outerwear on but "I didn't notice a thing."

purple death ray
Jul 28, 2007

me omw 2 steal ur girl

Police Automaton posted:



E: They recently reintroduced the early warning sirens from that time in my city because catastrophes/terrorism and test them now and then. This does not make me very happy. They were a big component in those dreams.

Living in a tornado state, those never went away. They still test them like clockwork same time every week assuming the weather is clear enough that nobody could think there actually was a tornado coming.

Tinestram
Jan 13, 2006

Excalibur? More like "Needle"

Grimey Drawer

scrubs season six posted:

My therapist put her hands all over me while "helping" me put me outerwear on but "I didn't notice a thing."

No no, some guys really are that dense. I say this from personal experience.

therattle
Jul 24, 2007
Soiled Meat
Maybe nightmare goon is confessing not that he has nightmares but that he refuses to get help for them even though they cost him a relationship. Sounds like he's pretty scared of confronting what they might mean.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I'm currently working in the White House, and have had contact with both the Obama and Bush administrations as well. I know quite a few people are instantly going to call bullshit, and that's fine. But this is 100% true and I'll be proven true eventually.

1) Trump is in extremely bad shape physically and mentally. He's our 2nd fattest president ever but refuses to admit this or try and shape up. While Obama and W tried to eat healthy in the office when possible, Trump has already asked for Chicken Fried Steak 3 times and has also attempted to order delivery from Domino's Pizza. When we explained that's a security risk he asked if we could replicate the recipe.

2) Trump sleeps about 3-4 hours a night, apparently at the urging of his friend Vince McMahon *yes, the WWE owner*. This causes him to randomly fall asleep during the day, sometimes with his eyes open. It's as terrifying as it sounds.

3) Trump is both much smarter and much dumber than you think. Smarter in that he does legitimately understand business, and every single one of his executive orders so far has benefited his businesses in some way. Much dumber in that he lacks basic knowledge of almost everything. He forgets people's names constantly and couldn't figure out the phone system in the White House. You press 9 to dial out and that's literally led to him raging out over the phone being "too complicated".

4) Barron Trump has autism, which is why he doesn't stay at the White House. Trump believes 100% this is due to vaccines, despite it being most definitely from his old man sperm.

5) That's a fake tan, which takes 30-40 minutes a day to apply. He does this himself since he refuses to let anyone see him nude. Someone once joked he was a 'never nude' from Arrested Development and another staffer said that wasn't too far from the truth. The spray tan also stains the bedsheets and we're stuck cleaning them every single day.

6) Trump is honestly really polite to the waitstaff, cooks, and cleaning crew in the White House. That's about the only good thing anyone has to say to him. The weird thing is he keeps trying to tip people 50-100 bucks like he's staying in a hotel or something.

7) Trump has asked if the White House is haunted on multiple different occasions, once during a really important meeting where he definitely should not have asked that.

8) I saw Hulk Hogan walking around the White House one day. I asked him for an autograph (I can't help that I'm still a fan) and then asked why he was there. He said Trump invited him for a meeting, but no-showed it. We got Trump on the phone to reschedule and he apparently had no memory of inviting Hogan for this meeting.

I don't really believe this is a true confession but if someone told me any individual ones of these anecdotes I would believe them yeah

quote:

I have been calling a guy at my gym "Rich Gumhead" for the past year. I thought that was his name, somebody told me that was his name, and I just went with it.

I found out last night that his name is Timothy Smith, and that Rich Gumhead is a name they call him because he's wealthy and constantly chewing gum. I feel like a moron for calling him the wrong name and an rear end in a top hat for contributing to bullying him.

He also never corrected me which makes me worried he thinks I'm a bully and is afraid to speak up.

kick sand in his rich gum face

Jose
Jul 24, 2007

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer
Lmao I think that's my favourite real confession

WampaLord
Jan 14, 2010

quote:

Trump sleeps about 3-4 hours a night

This was disturbing to learn when he was on the campaign trail, but it's my understanding that basically all Presidents sleep this little due to the demands of the job.

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Shiki Dan
Oct 27, 2010

If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine
I honestly believe that Vince McMahon/Donald Trump are the only real friend that each one of them has.

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