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Indolent Bastard
Oct 26, 2007

I WON THIS AMAZING AVATAR! I'M A WINNER! WOOOOO!

fruit on the bottom posted:

If you're going to kill yourself over shellfish, you can do better than Red Lobster.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMvQfhk6T9Q&t=311s

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Sjs00
Jun 29, 2013

Yeah Baby Yeah !
My confession is that today while reading the thread in my usual spot two old women headed to the pub saw my skateboard but not me and said:
"Someone left a skateboard! Want to take ot for a whirl?"
"We'd have to go straight to the hospital"
And it was the funniest thing and I would totally let them kill themselves

skeletonotherkin
Sep 26, 2014


There was also an episode of Aqua Teen were Master Shake is caught having a shell fish addiction, despite being allergic.

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


Also Pam eating shellfish on the sub in archer.

flick my Mr. Bean
Nov 18, 2014

Sjs00 posted:

My confession is that today while reading the thread in my usual spot two old women headed to the pub saw my skateboard but not me and said:
"Someone left a skateboard! Want to take ot for a whirl?"
"We'd have to go straight to the hospital"
And it was the funniest thing and I would totally let them kill themselves

I was in a Subway a couple years ago and two old ladies walked in.

"You mean to tell me you've never had a Subway sub?"
"Never have I ever!"
"Well you're in for quite the treat!"

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Hi thread - I'm in a healthy, stable polyamorous relationship and want to share my story. Especially since it seems like poly = bad hosed up people to a lot of posters.

I met my boyfriend about 4 years back. We had and still have an amazing time, but we both could sense something was missing. We agreed together, and this is key, to open up the relationship. Since then we've had 7 others come and go, with 3 steady partners since the beginning.


Rick - About 2 decades older than us, with lots of poly experience. He's opened us up to a lot of things and helped involved us in the poly community. It also doesn't hurt that he has the most amazing penis I've ever seen and is down with men and women.

Chelsea - She used to work with my boyfriend and she was the first woman we involved in the bedroom. Super enthusiastic and really cute. She's not much into bi-play but she'll kiss me at least.

Jim - Rick's decade younger cousin. NO THEY DON'T GET INTIMATE WITH EACH OTHER.

These three have added so much to our relationship it's crazy to imagine life without them. And honestly, so has everyone else. If I have a bad day and my boyfriend just wants to play video games instead of talking to me, I have other people to talk to. Vice versa, if my boyfriend has a bad day and I'm just feeling like screwing around on tumblr, there's no obligation to talk to him. And sex. Holy loving yum.

Imagine the best sex you ever had. Now imagine having it 2-3 times a day, every day, if you want that. You're no longer dealing with human stamina, you can change from partner to partner and transcend that. You can share partners, swap in and out..... it's perfect and I don't know why there's such a stigma against it. It's not for everybody but it sure as hell works for us.

this next guy is a bad person and the story is super long but I read it and it was good

quote:

So, I did a bad thing a while back. Well, it's not really so much something I DID, but rather something I let happen.

I have some buddies that live down near the gulf coast, and when they heard that I'd just went through a horrible breakup (long-term relationship, had almost saved enough for the engagement ring), they offered to let me party with them for a while. It sounded like fun, and they'd rented a long stretch of beach next to a state park for us to camp out on. A week of camping, drinking, swimming, more drinking, and hiking was exactly what I needed. It was a shame, though, that I couldn't afford the trip and the time off work--until I realized that I had several thousand dollars sitting in an account earmarked for an engagement ring that would never be bought.

My boss was happy in light of my lovely breakup to let me take some time for myself, so I loaded up my truck with camping gear and made the drive south. About halfway down, my buddies call me up and tell me some good news.

Some spectacular news.

"My buddies" are two young couples I went to college with who all met in the same discipline and all ended up getting jobs in the same small southern city. They got apartments right across from each other, and despite being married and "in the real world now," the "party hard" mentality never faded. I'd been down to visit before, and just like in college, we'd be wandering the apartment complex with beers in our hands at 2 in the morning. Going to hang with them was always a blast.

There was this friend they made there in the complex named Emily. This girl got my drat motor running even when I was with my ex. We were both in relationships, though, so no matter how drunk we got, or how flirty we got, that poo poo was off-limits. The spectacular news I mentioned earlier? She'd dumped her lovely boyfriend, and would be joining us on our camping trip. gently caress yes.

The trip took about a two days and I was exhausted, so when I arrived, I unpacked my gear, we went out for gumbo, then we drank until we couldn't keep our eyes open.

The next morning, we're packing up the cars and my truck so we can go set up camp, Emily and I are flirting so hard it hurts, when HE shows up.

Glenn is a human sausage and the physical manifestation of the word "neckbeard." As if that's not bad enough, he's also the type of "friend" that just shows up out of the blue wearing an anime t-shirt and cargo jorts when you're dressed to the nines getting ready to wreck the clubs and asks "So where are we going tonight?" Nobody invites the baby beluga loving anywhere--he just walks up, huffing and puffing from the exertion of crossing a parking lot, and climbs into your car. Or walks into your house and opens your fridge. "Oh, pepperoni, my favorite!"

The human-shaped trash bag full of soggy tater tots pops up and goes "Cool, where are we going?"

gently caress.

You might be asking "poo poo why didn't you guys tell him to go away?" and well, it's one of those silly social situations. Couple A assumes that either Couple B is either related to him or (god forbid) friends with him, and couple B does the same. Then, you toss Emily into the mix, and she's a kind, amazing person, so telling this guy she doesn't know to gently caress off would be very uncool. So nobody can say anything. Now we had to make room for the living ham in one of our vehicles. Again, stupid social situation--neither couple wants to throw the other under the bus by suggesting that butterball should ride with the other, so after a few minutes of awkward shoegazing I give up on my plan to spend an hour alone with Emily on the trip to the camp and (barely concealing my disgust) suggest that Hygiene King ride down in my truck, and Emily in Couple B's sedan. Everybody (but me) was relieved, and it gave Couple B time to brief her on what kind of person Lardo was.

("Where the gently caress is the confession?!??!" Calm down, here it is)

On my way down from up north, right at the start of the trip, I'd stopped at Taco Bell. Got one of those big honkin' burritos, the Grilled STUFFED XXXXL. I didn't realize they'd changed the recipe and now it had guac and sour cream and cliantro and poo poo in it, so it sat uneaten on my passenger floorboard for days.

Now my truck is a well-worn but sturdy gal. Her only main problem is an exhaust leak that causes the floorboards in the cab to get really, really warm.

So we're cruising down the highway and I'm stewing about the situation. He reaches for the A/C because it's about 95 out and I swat his hand and tell him it's broken (it wasn't). Then he tries to fiddle with my stereo and gets swatted again. My truck, I'm driving, I pick. Also, I'd picked the worst, most poppy, anti-nerd poo poo I could find, just for the personified waterbed in the passenger seat.

Glaring sun, no A/C, 95 degrees out, hot asphalt under us, and that exhaust leak all worked in concert that day to do something magical and horrible:

It started smelling like a Taco Bell in the cab.

"What is that? It smells great." Being Harry Tubbs-Man, he reaches down and grabs the bag off the floorboard, then whips out the burrito.

I know that fucker has been unrefrigerated for days. I know that allowing him to eat it is probably some kind of crime. But when I look over at him, sweating buckets, stinking up my truck, and licking his lips, I say three words:

"Go for it."

The obese hippo deep-sixed that thing in under two drat minutes.

Being the terrible person I am, I was no longer mad, I was giddy. What was about to happen to his bowels would probably be declared a natural disaster. I actually snorted--unable to stifle my laughter--when I looked over to see him licking his fingers. Yeah, you beached whale, make sure you get ALL the microorganisms.

He didn't die. He wished he did by the end of it, I can guarantee that. I was actually kind of scared it didn't work, as we left him on the beach to go on a hike (bloated harp seals don't like hikes, they instead like to sit on your cooler and slowly drain all the beer out of it one can at a time) for a couple hours and came back to find him in the same spot we left him. But, when I walked past him, I saw that his face was pretty pale--he usually has that red cheek poo poo that fat nerds get, but he was headed toward Casper.

The couples (A, B, and now C) spent the night staring at the stars, listening to the dulcet sounds of the tide, loving life.

Glenn spent the night in a public toilet up the road, listening to echoes of his own agonized grunts off the moist cinder block walls. He literally slept in the restroom, unable to leave out of fear of making GBS threads his pants or barfing all over himself.

The next day, he came shuffling down the path to the camp, saying he didn't feel well, and that he needed a lift home. Couple B took the hit, saying that for SOME reason we needed more beer anyway, and that they'd be happy to go into town to grab some and drop Pork Vat off. They did line his seat with trash bags before they let him get in, though.

Right before they took off, I dashed to my truck to grab some things to help them on the trip. "He says he loves this CD; it's all we listened to on the way down. Don't let him lie and say he doesn't like Jennifer Lopez. Oh, and chief, here's this in case you need it," I said, reaching into the backseat to hand the lard golem something.

It was the empty Taco Bell bag.

Danaru
Jun 5, 2012

何 ??

loquacius posted:

this next guy is a bad person and the story is super long but I read it and it was good

:discourse: An excellent 'fesh and well worth the read.

The first one is a desperate "please validate my relationship there's a lot of sex because I'm a sex haver" plea and is probably that guy who used to appear after every poly disaster post in the /r/relationships with "UM ACTUALLY NOT ALL POLYS"

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Oh! Remember my married friends that were in the poly-amorous relationship? Well, turns out the new kid isn't the husband's. And their older daughter (she's 12) figured everything out so now they're trying to explain that to her. Which is even more difficult because the father of her new half sister just tried to kill himself (after threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend) because he's severely mentally unstable, the perfect person to open your relationship up with. Her uncle, who's my window into this whole mess, said that she was calling him to ask if her and her brother and sister can come live with him because she's scared.

Now, I know it can work for some people, but that is one hosed up situation. They were a functional family a year ago.

Sjs00
Jun 29, 2013

Yeah Baby Yeah !

flick my Mr. Bean posted:

I was in a Subway a couple years ago and two old ladies walked in.

"You mean to tell me you've never had a Subway sub?"
"Never have I ever!"
"Well you're in for quite the treat!"

Holy poo poo I bet they died making GBS threads the next day

Doctor Malaver
May 23, 2007

Ce qui s'est passé t'a rendu plus fort
Sick goon, I'm sorry to hear about your condition and I hope it will somehow improve.

Still, it was a little funny that your boyfriend "tries his best" to cook a meal. He obviously fails so often that you have to resort to protein shakes or that you have to cook despite barely being able to stand. I mean how difficult is to make a meal for two? Even he started as the worst cook in the world it doesn't take much practice to be able to feed two. Especially if he has you to give him advice.

Police Automaton
Mar 17, 2009
"You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."
I need some diagrams.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Doctor Malaver posted:

Sick goon, I'm sorry to hear about your condition and I hope it will somehow improve.

Still, it was a little funny that your boyfriend "tries his best" to cook a meal. He obviously fails so often that you have to resort to protein shakes or that you have to cook despite barely being able to stand. I mean how difficult is to make a meal for two? Even he started as the worst cook in the world it doesn't take much practice to be able to feed two. Especially if he has you to give him advice.

He probably just doesn't know any good recipes. If anyone out there doesn't have a spouse who's obsessed with reading food blogs, I'd highly recommend getting one.

quote:

My 2 favorite movies are Silent Hill and The Witch, but not because of plot or anything.

Silent Hill has this scene where a woman is torn apart by Pyramid Head. You see her naked body at one point and it's really hot, the idea of a woman being completely at the mercy of this monster, stripped in front of a whole town. I've watched the movie around 200 times now, and have a gif of that scene I keep on my phone for quick jerks at work.

I also just saw The Witch at the recommendation of my brother. I enjoyed it, but I especially enjoyed all the nude witchery. Especially Anya Taylor-Joy at the end. I know she was 18 during filming so that allows the nudity, but she plays a younger teen during the movie so yeah, I was all about that. She has an AMAZING rear end and I just kept imagining what it would be like during that time. I would have joined that coven of witches in a second if it meant getting to lay with all them.

Obviously I can't tell people about this, and it's the only really perverted thing about me.

You know there's, like, porn, right? You don't have to watch bad horror video-game adaptations to see a naked woman

quote:

Oh God I don't even know where to start

Because of my gender/mental health problems I was a really awkward loner in school and never had the chance to be intimate with anyone. Not until I met my ex, the first person I ever felt comfortable being myself around (it helps that she was a furbag as well)

When I met her initially she was in an abusive relationship and I encouraged her to break up with him if he was making her unhappy. After they broke up we shortly after started dating. She was my first and I'd never felt so happy before and I loved her and wanted her to be happy too


My sex drive is a lot higher than hers was, but early into our relationship I assumed it was higher because we'd have sex constantly. One morning, still groggy when my alarm woke us up, I thought id do a sex thing with her. That's what couples that are intimate do right?

I should mention that there was no penetration involved, just rubbing I guess. Trying to write this as unsexy as possible, because when I got to work, my phone blows up with texts that I had raped her. I was in shock and felt horrible. I didn't think I had, and asked her why she didn't tell me to just stop if I was making her uncomfortable but she said she was too tired to. I hid in a back room, cried and apologized over and over for what I did

When I got home I couldn't even look at her and was too scared to talk. We eventually did talk it over, she said she forgave me and everything was kinda cool but I still couldn't bring myself to touch her for weeks because of how ashamed I felt

I know this sounds really bad already, but nearing the end of our relationship she, to my confusion, actually raped me several times, or at least it feels like it was. Id come home from a bad day or feel really self-conscious and she'd demand sex. When I told her no, she'd start saying things like "you don't really love me" and "you're not really attracted to me" and I would always give in in the end because I didn't want to lose her

Eventually trying to care for her became a burden to me. She refused to get any kind of work to help pay for rent and she refused to get help for her issues. Her dreams about what our future together would be like also wasn't what I wanted, and slowly I realised I had to break up


Am I rapist SA? I seriously feel like one. I never intended to hurt her, and now I've started questioning her honesty. If I really was making her uncomfortable all she had to do was say stop. I've talked to my friends about this and they say she was emotionally abusing me, and what she did was a manipulation tactic

I don't want to disbelieve her but the guilt is driving me nuts, and it makes me call into question whether she lied about her abusive ex before me as well.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
Maybe rapist goon, I'd need to hear her version of the events. Pretty hard to say just getting one side. Did she say "no" at any point? Did she seem at all into it or was she laying there in silence and not moving? You didn't get raped, if that helps.

Crab Dad
Dec 28, 2002

behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB


You didn't rape her.




At worst it was sexual assault.

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words
It sounds like "my alarm woke us up" was actually "my alarm woke me up." If she wasn't awake and you hadn't talked about it beforehand, that's rape. Since she was just out of an abusive relationship, it's got to be pretty scary to wake up to someone trying to gently caress you, and it wouldn't be unusual to be too scared to fight. "I thought I'd do a sex thing" also makes it sound like trying a new/weird thing, like anal but it didn't work, hence the rubbing, but maybe that's just awkward goon wording.

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar
There is no such thing as rape without some form of sex/penetration of something. Like the other goon said at worst it's sexual assault. You're in a no-win situation and the relationship is probably going to end. You can either stand your ground and say it wasn't rape/whatever which will just make her mad and she'll probably start spreading it around to other people, or you can be the weepy mess you are now and she'll gradually get tired of it and lose whatever respect she has for you left and leave you for someone else.

Also what's a furbag? A furry I guess?

flick my Mr. Bean
Nov 18, 2014

I would imagine that she meant she was half asleep but the way it was written sounded like she was just tired and decided to let the rape continue so she wouldn't have to get out of bed.

RCarr
Dec 24, 2007

"I was too tired to say the word 'stop'" sounds pretty reasonable.

Imagine if the house caught fire? She'd be dead, no matter how badly she wanted to escape.

Cactus Ghost
Dec 20, 2003

you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack

Solice Kirsk posted:

You didn't get raped, if that helps.

if he got coerced into having sex he didn't want to have, yeah, he got raped

sounds like that relationship was just one giant mess and you need to move to another state and change your name

yeah I eat ass
Mar 14, 2005

only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar
Splitting hairs over whether it was rape or not is not productive, if she decides to press charges that's up to the court to determine, and if she isn't it doesn't matter - the only thing that does is an assault of some form happened that she isn't happy about and will always remember it. Really if you feel like you were raped/assaulted in a relationship, just break it off immediately, there's no coming back from that.

Doctor Malaver
May 23, 2007

Ce qui s'est passé t'a rendu plus fort

OMGVBFLOL posted:

if he got coerced into having sex he didn't want to have, yeah, he got raped

Persuading your partner to have sex when they are not that much into it is not rape.

Jose
Jul 24, 2007

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Doctor Malaver posted:

Persuading your partner to have sex when they are not that much into it is not rape.

Lol that confession was a strong troll

Return Of JimmyJars
Jun 24, 2006

by FactsAreUseless

OMGVBFLOL posted:

if he got coerced into having sex he didn't want to have, yeah, he got raped

Which liberal arts university do you go to?

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Yeah I think it's time to move on

quote:

Hey, I have the exact same issue as sex anxiety goon. I can't explain it either. I've seen therapists. They try, but I don't think they really know what to make of it. My best guess is that it's a thought loop: I'm anxious that I'm going to be anxious. Or I'm anxious because I'm anxious. No, I can't really explain it better than that. I'm a very anxious person in general.

I also have good sex.

Anxiety is definitely a self-fulfilling prophecy yeah

Just focus on your breathing, I guess. Mindfulness and relaxation exercises are your only real options, I think.

quote:

hello thread,

I'm a 30yo male working in a creative field as a freelancing guy. I have a gf and we've been together for many years, she also works in a similar field but she works full time in a studio. She makes way more money than me, has a great family and friends and honestly she is a pretty great girlfriend. She's aware of all this stuff I'm writing about and I really can't understand why she keeps staying with me.

I've been depressed ever since I was 6 I think and I've reached a point where I think the best thing to do would be to take a step back from life and admit that I have neither the skills, the talent, the ambition and the motivation to continue working in a field where you constantly have to show how great your work is. I feel aimless and directionless. I am aware that I sound like a whiny bitch when I say this stuff and the only thing that I should be doing is professional and personal self-improvement. But I really am a whiny bitch and I want to give up instead of bettering myself.

I want to find a simple, mindless job that will allow me to have just enough money to survive. I am terrified of this feeling because of how everyone around me would react if I actually went through and gave up and resigned myself to becoming a minimum wage useless loner loser. I don't want marriage, I don't want a family.

The most infuriating thing for me is that I think constantly of this stuff and when I analyze my thoughts it's always ME ME ME. I've become self-conscious about the fact that when I'm out with friends I always end up steering the conversation towards ME. "Oh yeah nice anecdote, I remember I once did this" or "well I think this and that" and so on.

I hate myself and I want to disappear and have no responsibilities towards nobody but I can't. It feels like I'm stuck on this forced path that will eventually lead me to either give in to societal pressure and continue to be miserable while trying to keep up appearances, or give up completely and let myself go and become a hobo or die.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people are stuck in the same situation and would give anything to have the freedom to fail without disappointing partners, families, friends.

What would you do? And how?

Is there anyone out there who took a step back and managed to disappear?

Dude, you def need therapy. I don't think dropping out of your field will actually help -- not only would a minimum-wage job be less fulfilling in and of itself, but you'll keep making yourself feel like a failure every morning when you show up to it. You're putting a whole lot of pressure on yourself and you need to try to explore that.

thomawesome
Jul 19, 2009
Keep freelancing and just find a bartending job somewhere. It's simple, mindless work (once you get good at it) and you'll make decent money. You could easily find a place where you can work two, three nights a week.

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?
Rolling over your live-in partner and humping them is not rape. It's called living together.

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words
If your partner is on board, it's great. If your partner is unconscious and it's early in your relationship and you haven't talked about it and her last relationship was abusive, why would you think it was a good idea

Jose
Jul 24, 2007

Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer
Anxiety sex goons next time you're about to have sex think about how youll struggle to get it up

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009

If your girlfriend who you live and are regularly intimate with doesn't sign a 5 page affidavit prior to every time you touch her then it's rape sorry

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

Jose posted:

Anxiety sex goons next time you're about to have sex think about how youll struggle to get it up

This is still the meanest thing on the entire forum. I love it.

alpaca diseases posted:

If your girlfriend who you live and are regularly intimate with doesn't sign a 5 page affidavit prior to every time you touch her then it's rape sorry

Also, I agree with this. I saw a guy in public kiss his wife on the cheek and she wiped it away and looked flustered. I called the police, but they got there too late to capture him. I'm still going to therapy for having witnessed it. It haunts my dreams....

Cactus Ghost
Dec 20, 2003

you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack

Return Of JimmyJars posted:

Which liberal arts university do you go to?

webster's

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?

alpaca diseases posted:

If your girlfriend who you live and are regularly intimate with doesn't sign a 5 page affidavit prior to every time you touch her then it's rape sorry

Just you asking my her to sign it is rape

Cactus Ghost
Dec 20, 2003

you can actually inflate your scrote pretty safely with sterile saline, syringes, needles, and aseptic technique. its a niche kink iirc

the saline just slowly gets absorbed into your blood but in the meantime you got a big round smooth distended nutsack

Definition of rape
: an Old World herb (Brassica napus) of the mustard family grown as a forage crop and for its seeds which yield rapeseed oil and are a bird food — compare canola

i believe this settles the matter

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
I don't know if I've ever used rapeseed oil for anything, but being a member of the patriarchy I have certainly planted several generations of rape seeds.

tater_salad
Sep 15, 2007


alpaca diseases posted:

If your girlfriend who you live and are regularly intimate with doesn't sign a 5 page affidavit prior to every time you touch her then it's rape sorry

Well actually, the case and really it should be notarized so that it's truly informed consent and it's shown that it's not done under duress.

All terms of the touching should be agreed upon prior to sexual contact and all toys with model and serial numbers should be listed.

Beige
Sep 13, 2004
Ok, goons. We get it. Rape is funny. But this line of discussion is turning a little seedy.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

Beige posted:

Ok, goons. We get it. Rape is funny. But this line of discussion is turning a little seedy.

monkeytennis
Apr 26, 2007


Toilet Rascal

Beige posted:

Ok, goons. We get it. Rape is funny. But this line of discussion is turning a little seedy.

:discourse:

DAD LOST MY IPOD
Feb 3, 2012

Fats Dominar is on the case


rape is crap!!! if you rape your just a dumbass

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quidditch it and quit it
Oct 11, 2012


Non-anonymous confession: my first proper girlfriend was into being slapped during sex. I am also slightly stupid. So after we split up, I'm in bed with my new girlfriend, and I thought "man, she'll loving love it if I give her a gentle slap as we're loving"

She didn't. Because she hadn't told me about her previous abusive boyfriend.

That ended up not being a great evening.

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