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LOW-HANGING FRUIT
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Feb 16, 2017 21:15
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Febreeze posted:I feel like if you don't know what goatse is, the picture is vague enough to really be anything And it's already gone. edit: I've never reported a post ever, that I remember, and I certainly didn't report that one. For real, though, who doesn't know what goatse is?
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Feb 16, 2017 21:31
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I throw in a "do you need me on anything else" to the higher ups to show I'm an eager beaver now and again. It might back fire every once in a while but for the most part its pretty benign.
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Feb 16, 2017 22:07
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Quick wins, 'let's scale this down to the mvp', 'did you design this in word?', 'facing some headwinds on this'. all solid work phrases. edit to add: 'why the gently caress are we still talking about what JIRA ticket type to use? we're not wasting another minute of this meeting doing that, y'all can argue about this afterwards'. Neil Armbong fucked around with this message at 22:30 on Feb 16, 2017 |
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Feb 16, 2017 22:27
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When I first started working in the corporate world it took me a while to realize that 'opportunity' meant a thing that you suck poo poo at and want to change.
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Feb 16, 2017 22:32
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Grittybeard posted:When I first started working in the corporate world it took me a while to realize that 'opportunity' meant a thing that you suck poo poo at and want to change. [triggered]
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Feb 16, 2017 22:34
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Spoeank posted:[triggered] 
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Feb 16, 2017 22:36
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Spoeank posted:[triggered] my ultimate is charging
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Feb 16, 2017 23:02
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My first few years I heard "You got to know the lay of the land" a lot, which I suppose is a nice way of saying "this isn't how we do things around here, rear end in a top hat." Please advise is great.
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Feb 16, 2017 23:18
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My team has come to resize that "It is what it is" means "this is loving bullshit".Dubious posted:I like getting emails from our development team that say "Do the Needful" Words can't describe my hatred of this phrase.
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Feb 16, 2017 23:22
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seiferguy posted:My first few years I heard "You got to know the lay of the land" a lot, which I suppose is a nice way of saying "this isn't how we do things around here, rear end in a top hat." Please advice, Have a blessed day,
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Feb 16, 2017 23:38
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I start all my work emails with Yo because no one will ever try to fire me, and if I act too professional they'll try and force me onto more conference calls or promote me to management or get me to talk to customers with questions.
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Feb 16, 2017 23:43
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Kalli posted:I start all my work emails with Yo because no one will ever try to fire me, and if I act too professional they'll try and force me onto more conference calls or promote me to management or get me to talk to customers with questions. Yo, A Man after my own heart.  Best, Chiche
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Feb 16, 2017 23:47
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I like to say suck'n'gently caress party at work. It can work in basically any context
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Feb 16, 2017 23:50
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"I'd be happy to do <x>. Please take a look at my current task list and let me know where I should prioritize it." Translation: I haven't got time for this, jackass, but I'll let you see that for yourself. "It seems to me..." Translation: I am about to present my grossly uninformed opinion, but I at least have the courtesy to preface it with an admission I don't know what I'm talking about. "We need to do <x>" Translation: You need to do <x> "I've created a Confluence page for <x>" Translation: I have added one more abandoned wiki page to the tens of thousands of abandoned wiki pages already clogging our rampantly disorganized Confluence servers, which replaced a previous system of Wiki pages that is still there, hosting tens of thousands of even older abandoned wiki pages, which in turn replaced a yet older file management server that still contains tens of thousands of abandoned Word documents. But we will all temporarily pretend that this page will be maintained and remain relevant for more than four hours, unlike all those other ones. "File a JIRA ticket" Translation: It will be easier for me to foist this job off on someone else if we can create a technological barrier between the two of us so I don't feel a social obligation to help you. Alternate translation: I want to pad my productivity metrics by pretending this tiny task you just requested is a significant addition to my workload. Alternate alternate translation: I am (probably correctly) assuming you will not be able to select the unique combination of options from four different category dropdowns (all required) to cause this problem to get assigned to me, rather than someone else. "Add this to the doc" Translation: instead of us making an effort to fix this issue, kindly tell our customers how to deal with it, while phrasing it as though it is not in fact a glaringly broken aspect of our product. "I will review this ASAP" Translation: I will never review this. Eventually your deadline will pass and I'll be off the hook. "I'll look into this for you." Translation: I will not look into this for you. "Give me the executive summary." Translation: I go through life assuming everything is always simple, and nerds like you just make things too complicated because you're nerds. Tell me the simple issue and I will then give you a simple solution off the top of my head without thinking about it at all, while also implying you could have solved this yourself. Alternate translation: I'm going to make this someone else's problem but if I just forward your email, they'll realize I wasn't the smart guy who identified the issue, so make it sound simple enough that I could have thought of it. Alternate alternate translation: Give me a summary. I used the word "executive" because I fantasize constantly about being the CEO. "The documentation sucks." Translation: the product sucks. Alternate translation: I forced you to release documentation you insisted wasn't finished. Alternate alternate translation: I found a single error in a huge library of comprehensive doc spanning dozens of products. It cost me five whole minutes of my life trying to figure out what was wrong. I didn't bother to file a doc bug against this one issue. This one issue is emblematic of my life-long accumulation of hatred and resentment for terrible documentation, for which I have finally found someone to blame. God, I could just keep going. I need a vacation
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Feb 17, 2017 00:40
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"Make sure everyone is aligned on this"
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Feb 17, 2017 00:47
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Awh loving hell. My company switched over to Jira last year from a twenty year old inhouse system for logging bugs / project for development and rather then use it in a sane way, decided to massage Jira to act like how our old internal system acted and now I cry in horror at it. We also have a separate issue reporting system for our clients that's been in use since the early 80's that was supposed to go to Jira, but likely never will.
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Feb 17, 2017 00:55
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JIRA is fine. It's a powerful tool. But it won't solve any significant process problems your company already has, and in fact has so much customization available that you can turn it into a real goddamn mess if you're not careful. In my org you open JIRA to file a ticket and you immediately have to select "Project" from an alphabetical dropdown list containing roughly a thousand options. Like not exaggerating, there are a thousand plus items in that list, so if you're not certain what the right project is, you will have to ask someone, you cannot just skim the list looking for something familiar. Next, pick Issue Type, which has... maybe 150 different items. I mean we can't just have "bug" and "enhancement" now, can we. The issue type is actually a template that determines what the remaining fields will be for the ticket, so pick the wrong one and you may face required fields you can't fill out, or fields you need that aren't there. And just to be extra great, our JIRA system has Issue templates that sync with our actual legacy bug tracking system, which allows several big groups to just say gently caress JIRA we're gonna keep using the bug system, and simultaneously, other groups to effectively file bugs in the bug system using JIRA as a front end. Which sounds like it'd be OK but it isn't because now information about the issue gets split between the two because not every field is mapped. This is just an example of how to get in trouble with JIRA. Like I said, it's functional useful software. In a dysfunctional org, though, it just adds to the dysfunction. e. Much like the San Diego Chargers, believing that moving to LA is going to solve any of their problems, including financial.
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Feb 17, 2017 01:09
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I was on my phone browsing Snapchat at el gymo and this dude walks by me and goes "so you follow Teanna Trump too huh"
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Feb 17, 2017 01:20
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Leperflesh posted:
The easiest way to get ahead and promoted (outside of working hard) is doing enough work that people think you're busy and occasionally, like once every three weeks, ask higher ups if there's anything they need help with. Work ethic is the easiest thing to fake.
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Feb 17, 2017 01:22
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"Sick or not sick" - quick way to determine how urgently you need to see a patient, also like the first thing you learn once you start clinical rotations. "...and then they got a 5 and 2." Pretty much how any good story about a crazy or unruly patient ends. Its 5mg of haldol and 2 mg of ativan, also referred to as an ETO (emergency treatment order). There is a lot of jargon interspersed but a lot of interpersonal conversation is essentially the same.
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Feb 17, 2017 01:45
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Leperflesh posted:Stuff What's with the av? SHOAH NUFF posted:I was on my phone browsing Snapchat at el gymo and this dude walks by me and goes "so you follow Teanna Trump too huh" I've never heard of her. Thanks!
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Feb 17, 2017 02:13
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"It is what it is."
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Feb 17, 2017 02:23
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Filthy Casual posted:"It is what it is." My drunk neighbors said this like 100 tines in a single conversation with me. I hate this phrase.
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Feb 17, 2017 03:07
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I can handle most phrases but "Many thanks" makes me want to gouge out someones eyes and skullfuck them.
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Feb 17, 2017 03:10
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Chilichimp posted:My drunk neighbors said this like 100 tines in a single conversation with me. When I say "it is what it is" 100 times its because I'm talking to someone I think is really dumb and I don't have the patience to correct them over and over.
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Feb 17, 2017 03:20
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Chilichimp posted:My drunk neighbors said this like 100 tines in a single conversation with me. The only thing I hated hearing more at a job was "if you got time to lean, you got time to clean."
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Feb 17, 2017 03:27
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Chichevache posted:When I say "it is what it is" 100 times its because I'm talking to someone I think is really dumb and I don't have the patience to correct them over and over. I believe these two just say it all the time because they're country as gently caress.
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Feb 17, 2017 03:36
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"Consider this an opportunity, it could be fun!" said to a group of people who were just informed their jobs were being outsourced to India, by the lady who signed the final outsourcing contract, on the "knowledge transfer" process. "Knowledge transfer" - train your replacement on how to do your job, when it's evident they have no clue what they are doing. But it's OK, because you're told they are a highly trained team of developers with a robust infrastructure and fluent in English. Unlike you, apparently. gently caress my old employer so much. Non-IT: "My alarm has been going off." Translation: the smoke detector has been chirping for two days, but tonight it woke me up so I decided to call the fire department at 3am to replace my batteries. Oh, and I think I see smoke, calling for a full response. "I'm 13 out of 10 on the pain scale." Translation: Give me fentanyl.
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Feb 17, 2017 03:47
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"It is what it is" at my company means the organization is loving us over with workload but we can't quit because we're too well compensated and we all have company cars and 5 weeks PTO
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Feb 17, 2017 05:19
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I might end up going back to a Silicon Valley (the HBO show)-like work environment soon, so I can't WAIT to hear "feels good in the hand," "just works," and "leverage" again. I guess my new team is the BC Lions
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Feb 17, 2017 05:26
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I just got my VHS copy of Manos: the Hands of Fate signed by Trace Bieleau and TV's Frank. 
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Feb 17, 2017 06:13
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Chichevache posted:What's with the av? Sometimes I forget that the California megathread was moved to D&D. I should stop posting in it. Someone has decided they can't let go, even after like two weeks, of their conviction that "actually, punching alt-right students at a protest is counterproductive" is the same as "I love nazis." Like, last time I waited a week for the topic to blow over before I bought back my av, but I guess posting about the Oroville Dam thing was a mistake on my part. It sucks because 99% of the time it's just the thread regulars chatting about CA, but every once in a while it gets invaded by D&D degenerates and goes to hell.
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Feb 17, 2017 09:02
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California is the worst. Also, the best. Also, punching Nazis is the best but in the current political climate it's exactly like popping a big zit. Feels good but let's bad poo poo fester and grow.
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Feb 17, 2017 09:08
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They want to portray themselves as victims, so maybe don't literally physically attack them while they're peacefully demonstrating, yeah.
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Feb 17, 2017 09:17
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Leperflesh posted:They want to portray themselves as victims, so maybe don't literally physically attack them while they're peacefully demonstrating, yeah. gently caress off leperflesh
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Feb 17, 2017 09:32
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Leperflesh posted:They want to portray themselves as victims, so maybe don't literally physically attack them while they're peacefully demonstrating, yeah. Nazis can't peacefully demonstrate. Also never defend a Nazi how is this so hard.
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Feb 17, 2017 09:40
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Lol at pussies in this thread getting caremad because not everyone is a giant pinko commie latte sipping dick suck.
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Feb 17, 2017 10:57
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CharlestheHammer posted:Nazis can't peacefully demonstrate.
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Feb 17, 2017 13:41
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Leperflesh posted:They want to portray themselves as victims, so maybe don't literally physically attack them while they're peacefully demonstrating, yeah. If you feel that systematically eliminating a race of people is defensible then I think its pretty defensible to punch you in the face. At least you live.
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Feb 17, 2017 15:10
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