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How is it that a frustrated parent doing something suboptimal is loving up their kid but jumping all over said frustrated parent is the morally correct thing to do? Foxatee, have you discussed this much with your pediatrician? Just a visit or two with a professional might allay your worries. You're definitely not alone in this kind of thing.
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Mar 11, 2017 22:14
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Cithen posted:There's a hell of a lot of judgment flying around in this thread. Welcome to the parent thread ... Where some posters never chime in unless it's to tell you what you're doing wrong and how lovely you are for doing it.
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Mar 11, 2017 22:21
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right to bear karma posted:How is it that a frustrated parent doing something suboptimal is loving up their kid but jumping all over said frustrated parent is the morally correct thing to do? She has a visit coming up this month, I think. I wasn't sure this was something a pediatrician could help with. I mean, it's just not the first person I think of when my kid is acting like a total butt. I'll ask her about it, though, thanks.
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Mar 11, 2017 22:24
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Cithen posted:There's a hell of a lot of judgment flying around in this thread. Yeah, turns out if you do something lovely, people will call you on it. What a concept. sheri fucked around with this message at 02:18 on Mar 12, 2017 |
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Mar 12, 2017 01:42
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I think the issue is that she is 5. That does not sound like abnormal behavior for a five year old. I remember telling my parents I wish they were dead, I wish I had different parents, I wish I hadn't been born, etc. Newsflash, kids can be ungrateful jerks with poor reasoning and logic.
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Mar 12, 2017 01:54
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Cithen posted:There's a hell of a lot of judgment flying around in this thread. If you want people to applaud every terrible parenting decision you make then go join your local Facebook "parenting support group".
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Mar 12, 2017 02:34
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Welcome to SomethingAwful, a hugbox forum where people get chewed out and called judgmental for identifying this:foxatee posted:As for the "I wish I didn't have a dad" thing: Her father didn't deal with her for the rest of the morning. I told him to just head to work and I'd take care of her. As we were walking to school, she asked where he was and I told her he'd left. She became really quiet and didn't talk the rest of the way. After school she asked about him again. Because I was curious (and maybe still angry with her, if I'm being honest), I told her he'd left. She asked if he was coming back and I shrugged and told her she'd said she didn't want a dad, so I didn't know if he was going to come back. At first she wasn't upset by the idea, but after a bit she began to cry and missed him and wanted to give him a call. So we called him at work, she apologized, and when he got home, she gave him a hug. She's been very loving with him ever since. Usually she'll tell me she loves me, but will leave him out. Now she makes a point of telling him she loves him just as much. It's very sweet, but we suspect it won't last. I hope it will, but who knows? As emotionally manipulative and a crappy way to parent. This is not "showing an example." This is literally saying "I don't know if daddy will come home, [you] said [you] didn't want a dad." That is terrible.
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Mar 12, 2017 02:50
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foxatee posted:I told her he left. And he did. He left for work. Like he always does. 
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Mar 12, 2017 03:01
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In Sheri, Kells, etc defense, there is a big difference between foxtee's first post about the issue and her next post explaining what happened. I do feel like topics in this thread would go a lot better if everyone started with the assumption that we all love our children and are trying to be the best parent in the world. Rather than jumping to the assumption that we are horrible people taking pleasure in being mean to our kids. Not trying to point a finger at anyone in particular, but I have always felt that even if you see someone doing something wrong, instead of yelling at them or accusing them of being horrible, a better approach is to suggest better alternatives on how they could handle the situation. When you accuse someone, they get defensive and stop listening to you. When you try to help them, there is a chance that they might listen to you. Specially when they come online asking for advise. On a different topic, as much as I am terrified of having three kids, pregnancy sucks and I can't wait until this baby is out of me.
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Mar 12, 2017 10:35
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Kitiara posted:On a different topic, as much as I am terrified of having three kids, pregnancy sucks and I can't wait until this baby is out of me. I found going from 1 to 2 kids worse than 2 to 3 kids. Unless you mean triplets, so I'd imagine 0 to 3 is a bit wild.
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Mar 12, 2017 12:44
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Yah, the main difference between 2 and 3 kids is you're always outnumbered and you always have one hand too few. Apart from that, well, your life was already mostly about being a parent, so.
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Mar 12, 2017 13:30
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Well gee, those last two posts are definitely not making me want to jump on the second-child bandwagon with my wife!
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Mar 12, 2017 14:16
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hooah posted:Well gee, those last two posts are definitely not making me want to jump on the second-child bandwagon with my wife! Kind of scared since my girlfriend is pregnant with our second child. I like to imagine the second one was going to be easy since we're such experienced amazing parents already  It's funny because for the first full year we were like "yeahhhhh I get why some people only have one kid" and now we're like "It was not that bad". Memory is a great magical thing! KingColliwog fucked around with this message at 14:27 on Mar 12, 2017 |
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Mar 12, 2017 14:25
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Kitiara posted:In Sheri, Kells, etc defense, there is a big difference between foxtee's first post about the issue and her next post explaining what happened. Noone's making the assumption that foxatee is "taking pleasure in being mean to [her] kid", but taking from this: foxatee posted:She asked if he was coming back and I shrugged and told her she'd said she didn't want a dad, so I didn't know if he was going to come back. --it's reasonably unequivocally emotionally manipulative and dishonest at best, incredibly petty and cruel at worst. The outrage here is because one is an adult who is theoretically capable of higher brain functions and concepts such as altruistic thoughts/deeds towards other people, the other is a child who isn't. When you're the adult you take the higher road, ALWAYS. Deciding to take anything a kid says as some sort of personal vendetta against you is stupid because for one the kid isn't likely going to understand the impact of their words, even if you attempt to explain. Which foxatee didn't do at first, she literally decided to put the fear of losing a parent permanently into her instead. I personally am still uneasy even with the follow up statement: foxatee posted:I then explained to her that words hurt, and she's always saying these terrible things to dad, and there are consequences to what she says. what if I'd said I wish I didn't have a daughter? How would that make her feel? Would she feel sad or hurt? Yeah? Then maybe don't say such things to dad. Would she have been happy if dad wasn't going to come back? She only gets one dad, so she should treat him nicely. Not everyone has a nice dad, and some kids don't have a dad at all, so she should appreciate having a dad that loves her so much. --because the latter sentences smack of a using fear of loss as a motivator to adopt an apparent desired social behaviour. If you can't see how emotionally manipulative and dishonest this is in regards to the rights of the child as an autonomous being then I'm not sure what to say. Even the earlier bit is slightly confusing. 'Child, how would you feel if I said I didn't want you' 'Sad and hurt' 'Well then don't say that you don't want your father' --it doesn't flow. What if the kid doesn't actually have much invested emotional value yet in how her father feels?--a complicated scenario, but entirely possible. It be clearer (but maybe still not that useful) if you had asked 'Child, do you care/how do you feel about your father's feelings' - and if the child doesn't understand the question she probably won't grasp the higher lesson you're trying to teach. In which case, way to go, you scared her shitless for nothing. So instead the kid learns to act like you want her to otherwise she loses a parent, instead of acting like you want her to because she herself wants to. Does that make sense? It just doesn't seem conducive to promoting a respectful relationship. You're not respecting her right to have an opinion or have emotions, or that she may be trying to process some sort of very complex emotion/s and didn't know how else to put it at the time apart from 'I wish I didn't have a dad'. I guess if faced with my kid saying she hates me/wants me gone I would probably feel the same hurt and rejection you felt--but that's not her job to manage, it's mine. Sometimes in life people feel negative things about you, and it can have absolutely nothing to do with what you've ever done in life or the person you are. There may be extenuating factors outside of the obvious elements, that neither of you are fully aware of. I would try to respond with 'I hear you saying you hate me/want me gone. You sound upset/angry/sad, is that right? Ok, we are going to have some quiet time and I will come back and we can talk in {whatever amount of time both of you need} about this', at first and then probably go from there. Of course giving her space only if she wants it, if she didn't want to be left alone for a bit I'd stick around unless *I* needed the space (I probably would).
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Mar 12, 2017 14:28
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hooah posted:Well gee, those last two posts are definitely not making me want to jump on the second-child bandwagon with my wife! The first year after having my second remains one of the toughest years of my life. Yet nearly every moment since that first year has made it all worth it. I just love the two girls together. They love each other so much. They take turns pushing each other on the bike, pretending that one is a dog/cat and the other one is the owner, etc. One day they start spending so much time playing together that looking after them is a breeze and you're tricked into thinking three kids will be a piece of cake! I do think/hope the next year won't be as bad as that first year after number 2 was born. So I was happy to hear you guys found it easier  .. I'm just not looking forward to not having enough hands or to having three (instead of two) with nonstop whine!My eldest tends to say mean things every now and then. Mostly they're really funny and you can tell she doesn't mean it, so we let it go. However, the few times she has said something cruel we have explained that those words hurt her uncle or her dad or whoever's feelings which made them sad. Since we do not like making people sad, she should say sorry and try not to say mean things in the future. This seems to work with her. Something else we also tried is to get her to explain why she says "I don't like you" and change it so that instead of saying "I don't like Papi" she says "Papi I don't like it when you don't get me ice cream". Again, it may not work with every child but she responds well to it. I'm sort of curious, what things do you guys prioritise most with your parenting? My husband's aunt was huge on sharing and kindness. Whereas, we are trying to focus on getting them to be confident and have a good self esteem. Whilst of course being thoughtful and kind to others. I do have several friends on their teens, and it's so hard not to evalaute their lives and be "okay. We gotta teach them not to be quitters". "Need to prioritise not being a moron with money. Stat" :P
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Mar 12, 2017 15:00
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Groke posted:Yah, the main difference between 2 and 3 kids is you're always outnumbered and you always have one hand too few. Apart from that, well, your life was already mostly about being a parent, so. Exactly. Life is crazy and hectic with 3 but I know no different.
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Mar 12, 2017 17:34
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I think the age gap is the biggest issue with having kids. I had a 6 year gap between my first and second, then 8 years between second and third. It was tough having more than one but more in a logistics way than anything else (you don't realise how portable one kid is compared to two). Then my youngest was born when my second youngest was just over two and my god it was awful. They are (nearly) four and six now and it's really been over the last year I've stopped hating it so much and can see the benefit of having them closer together. They play together really well and keep each other amused a lot which is nice, and they share friends too so having someone over means they all play together rather than one being left out. My youngest son (the one who is six now) went through a stage of constantly telling me how much more he liked his dad than me - "I like you but I love daddy", "I don't love you as much as daddy" and my favourite "I don't love you enough to let you wipe my bottom, daddy has to do it." To be honest it was a little annoying but didn't bother me too much, I think it made his dad feel worse than I did (being the favourite made him feel guilty). He stopped after a while though (not because we did anything, I think he just got bored of it I guess).
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Mar 12, 2017 19:12
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I have a vague desire to have a second kid but I also have a desire to spoil the poo poo out of the first with flights, nice school etc. which I don't see happening with two. Also that first year of two nightmare is a concern. Not sure if I'd want a second. Different question to ask the thread, looking for ideas as to how you can introduce a child the concept of passage of time? My daughter is now 27 months and thinks any time we say goodbye to something we mean forever. We've explained that we'll see (thing) in the morning and she understands day/night/today/tomorrow/days of the week but she doesn't really get "goodbye for now (not forever)". Even if I change wordings she still thinks forever.
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Mar 12, 2017 19:32
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Well here is something I'm sure we can all agree on. Daylight Savings is the dumbest poo poo when you have a baby.
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Mar 13, 2017 01:11
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So, as foxatee's husband, I wanted to interject here a bit. Our daughter has been very difficult. She's never not been difficult. We try to do our best by her, but we're still learning, and we don't have family around to help out or teach us. We've done a lot of things wrong. Anyone that says they haven't done something to gently caress up their child in some fashion is looking at their parenting through a revisionist lens. You've hosed up, probably countless times. Your parents did too, or none of us would be here on Something Awful, the Internet's premiere meeting place for shitheads and sperglords. She's coming here trying to ask for help, and honestly, dropping one-liners about how someone is a lovely parent helps no one but you. I appreciate the people who actually took the time to talk about better ways to handle things, because that actually helps (not just us, but people lurking that might have similar issues). Foxatee may not always make the right choices, but she always has our daughter's best interests in mind, and is always trying to improve as a parent. Amelia is happy, healthy and loved. I think that's the best any parent can hope for. quote:Well here is something I'm sure we can all agree on. Daylight Savings is the dumbest poo poo when you have a baby.
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Mar 13, 2017 02:31
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SpaceCadetBob posted:Well here is something I'm sure we can all agree on. Daylight Savings is the dumbest poo poo when you have a baby. My wife's out of town. The four year old is just starting to settle. The two year old is running around and "reading" books In a dimly lit room next to us. Gonna be a long night.
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Mar 13, 2017 05:13
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Honestly if this has been a problem for so long you should be seeking the help of a professional that can consult with you in your home. You could very well have a "difficult" child, but what you are doing now isn't working.
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Mar 13, 2017 07:06
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If all that matters is your child being healthy and happy then why are you making such a big deal over her not loving you in the way you think she should be?
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Mar 13, 2017 09:41
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n8r posted:Honestly if this has been a problem for so long you should be seeking the help of a professional that can consult with you in your home. You could very well have a "difficult" child, but what you are doing now isn't working. kells posted:If all that matters is your child being healthy and happy then why are you making such a big deal over her not loving you in the way you think she should be? But I'm glad you don't get upset or frustrated! I wish I could be like that too. I find myself getting frustrated and tired after years of being told she doesn't want me. Sometimes she seems like she gets it and seems to act a little nicer, but school seems to have exacerbated the problem. How do you suggest we get around this? I love my daughter very much, and would really enjoy it if we could have some semblance of a peaceful life. Seawaffle fucked around with this message at 12:30 on Mar 13, 2017 |
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Mar 13, 2017 12:06
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Holy poo poo, it feels like I skipped the terrible three's and entered the fearsome fours. I thought three was tough, but god drat my 4 year old is really pushing this defiance thing to a new level. Sass is WAY up, "no" is the most common word, especially at bedtime, and she's starting to be a little smartass ("It's time to go to bed." "Why?" "Because" "Why?" "shut up" "why?"). Add into the fact that she refuses to eat almost anything except pancakes, spaghetti or PB&J. She's also seeming to be regressing when it comes to potty training (two accidents in two weeks, and not wiping after the bathroom). Is this normal for a 4 year old or am I just one of the lucky ones? I thought poo poo was supposed to get better at 4.
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Mar 13, 2017 12:44
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momtartin posted:
Four was one of the more difficult ages for us, in similar ways you mentioned.
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Mar 13, 2017 16:33
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momtartin posted:Is this normal for a 4 year old or am I just one of the lucky ones? I thought poo poo was supposed to get better at 4. I have come to realize, while raising 4 children ages 6 and under, that every age has its difficulties. My oldest, who is potty trained, is still in overnight diapers and has wet the bed twice this week. He's of an age where bedwetting is something he is ashamed of, and while we try to downplay it we are also concerned for him. He has started hugging and kissing kids in his kindergarten class, mainly girls but his teacher told me of a boy he kissed as well. We tried to explain personal space, asking permission before touching/hugging anyone, and there are consequences if he hugs/kisses someone who doesn't want his affection. But, he is raised with three other affectionate little kids and his whole life has been "hugs & kisses!" when saying goodbye to friends and family members. It's helping him find the balance between his emotional desires and societal norms. You can love your friends, you just can't show them the same kind of affection as you do your siblings. Just two of the recent challenges we are dealing with for him. Our oldest daughter still can't really wipe after pooping, so that's fun monitoring all her bathroom trips when she's home. She also demands privacy, which is great. She had an accident the other night, which she hasn't had at night in months. She also has shown a habit of lying about things and/or falsely blaming someone else, which we are trying to contain, and is messy as hell! When you tell her to clean up anything, she declares "I can't!" and dissolves into a puddle of tears and moaning. My youngest son just turned three and we just this week weaned him from his nighttime/naptime sippy cup, there was a lot of guilt with this one as he is our first foster/adopted child and his attachment to his "bottle" and his favorite toy was too much to deny him until now. The transition has gone well so we probably could have done it earlier, but there was no rush in our minds and his dentist never had an issue with his teeth. He's still in diapers, though, and refuses to potty train. We have a road trip coming up, so our plan is to potty train him after that. He is eager to start preschool, so I think it will be easier than he thinks, but I am not looking forward to his epic tantrums about it all. He is so hot and cold, he turns on a dime from despair and agony to extreme affection and joy. Toddlers are fun. And our youngest, a foster placement, has just now entered the joyous age of sleep regression. She has her "witching hours" between 7pm-10pm, fighting off sleep and resisting all efforts to be calmed. Last night she was up until after midnight, fussing and fighting off sleep, thanks to daylight savings time. Otherwise, she's a great little baby but I am looking forward to a "normal" sleep schedule again. So yeah, every age has it's issues. I imagine each of my kids will phase into these problems as they get older, and I imagine my oldest will start dealing with more complex things like social expectations, managing self-doubt and stress with school, physical stuff like his changing body and relationships with others...and I am already seeing signs of cynicism creeping in to his behaviors. He's still very much an innocent little kid, but some of his choices of words and interactions with his siblings are showing me he is starting to distance from them on a maturity level and I fully expect to hear soon about how the little kids are annoying him or touching his stuff or whatever pre-teen bullshit kids say to their younger siblings.
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Mar 13, 2017 18:06
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notwithoutmyanus posted:I have a vague desire to have a second kid but I also have a desire to spoil the poo poo out of the first with flights, nice school etc. which I don't see happening with two. Also that first year of two nightmare is a concern. Not sure if I'd want a second. He's not even two and last Friday he ripped the loving window blind rail right off the wall (his bed is near a window and is now tall enough to reach over his bed rails), that's one reason.
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Mar 13, 2017 21:31
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@Seawaffle/Foxatee Instead of trying to change her behavior, how can you change your responses to her current behavior? Obviously she is getting some sort of benefit/reinforcement for saying she doesn't like daddy. What happens when she does this? Is this a stalling thing? Does she get out of doing things she doesn't like to do? Is Dad playing the bad cop more than Mom? Are you not presenting a united front with regard to rules or expectations? When she does say something like 'I wish I didn't have a Dad' - have a plan for how you are going to handle that, and execute that plan right away. Having it out with her 12 hours later isn't going to be helpful. What can Dad/kid do together that is really fun? Maybe it's trips to McDonalds or maybe a video game played together. Something that they share together that doesn't involve mom.
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Mar 13, 2017 23:54
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Daycare is telling us Jasper is acting out again and not listening. Getting the full story, I think they are being a little unrealistic. I guess he's been disturbing other kids during nap time. Even though they are 4 years old, nap time is 2 hours long. He hasn't napped at home for at least a year now. I guess he's been having issues laying in his cot for 2 hours not doing anything and has started getting up and being loud and disturbing the other kids. I think expecting a 4 year old to nap for 2 hours and if not lay quietly in their cot is a little much. He should be listening to the teachers, but I think its just setting him up to fail in this situation.
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Mar 16, 2017 15:11
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That's a very unreasonable expectation. They should have quiet activities for kids that don't sleep the whole time to do. In the daycare I worked at ages ago in the three year old room they all had to lay quietly for 15-20 minutes and after that if they were still awake the could choose from quiet activities and toys to play with. My son is 3 and if there are days he takes a short nap he gets to read books or color or something while the others nap.
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Mar 16, 2017 15:15
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They do up through kindergarten at the daycare. I'm going to suggest that they just let him go play with the older kids or something. Unless they make the 5 & 6 year olds nap for 2 hours too. They've always been weird about naps at this place. He's also not been a good napper most of his life. When he was younger they'd talk to us telling us that he had a hard time settling down for nap and we'd try to be not assholes about it, but, I'm not certain what they want us to do? You can't force a toddler to sleep when you're at work.
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Mar 16, 2017 15:18
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What advantages do sleep suits have over the footie pajamas my baby already wears 24/7? Is there a certain type of sleep suit people prefer?
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Mar 16, 2017 16:41
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ArmadilloConspiracy posted:What advantages do sleep suits have over the footie pajamas my baby already wears 24/7? Is there a certain type of sleep suit people prefer? I thought those were the same thing? Maybe I'm misunderstanding?
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Mar 16, 2017 16:59
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ArmadilloConspiracy posted:What advantages do sleep suits have over the footie pajamas my baby already wears 24/7? Is there a certain type of sleep suit people prefer? Probably depends on what you mean by "sleep suit" as there are all kinds of different sleeping outfits for babies
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Mar 16, 2017 17:25
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Oh god, I swear we're in for hell when our guy gets older. He's already throwing tantrums when we redirect him away from things that aren't toys, like the entertainment center, our shoes, the kitchen cabinets, etc. Even though we have childproof locks on the cabinets we still don't want him in there. He's fine with us telling him no, but then he starts crying when we pick him up and move him back to his play area (which is most of the living room). We even have the pots and pans in a nook, and don't care if he wants to start drumming on those, we just don't want him trying to figure out him to get under the sink. Luckily the crying only lasts until he realizes "hey, toys!" But still, if he's already throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way at 8 months, imagine it's just going to get worse before it gets better. He even thought he was being sneaky the other night. My husband threw a blanket over him as a joke and he kept the blanket on the whole way into the kitchen like he was solid snake. And then got really mad when I picked him up and moved him back. Nice try, bud. And now he's starting to treat the playpen like a jail. We only put him in there if we're doing something where we can't keep an eye on him, like cooking, cleaning, showering, but yesterday he started drumming his bottle on the bars like he was an inmate. We make sure we give him tons of toys, but he's just not having it.
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Mar 16, 2017 18:08
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Try giving him his own cabinet of "toys" to discover and bang on in the kitchen. Fill it with Tupperware and other plastic vessels.
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Mar 16, 2017 18:11
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Another big Amazon sale on Graco crap. Including the Pack n Play that I'm still using 15 months in for travel and naps. They've also got the baby swing and high chair that we've used. The baby swing was amazing for the first 3 or so months. All of it is here.
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Mar 16, 2017 19:35
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Alterian posted:Even though they are 4 years old, nap time is 2 hours long. He hasn't napped at home for at least a year now. I guess he's been having issues laying in his cot for 2 hours not doing anything and has started getting up and being loud and disturbing the other kids. I think expecting a 4 year old to nap for 2 hours and if not lay quietly in their cot is a little much. He should be listening to the teachers, but I think its just setting him up to fail in this situation. It's 100% inappropriate to try and force kids to lie down quietly for two hours if they don't nap. They need to provide him with quiet activities instead.
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Mar 16, 2017 19:57
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Alterian posted:They do up through kindergarten at the daycare. I'm going to suggest that they just let him go play with the older kids or something. Unless they make the 5 & 6 year olds nap for 2 hours too. My kids' drop off school only requires naps below 2 1/2 years old. They have an "awake" room for kids who aren't going to nap where they all read books quietly for a bit and then they get extra time to run around outside and such. Keep in mind that they probably need kids to sleep/stay on cots to maintain their higher student:teacher ratio for lunch breaks, so that might be the actual root of their issue (which shouldn't be your problem but yeah).
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Mar 17, 2017 00:09
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