|
If you're not ready to share your finances, are you really ready to get married? I feel like that amount of trust is required for a successful marriage.
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:31
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 3, 2024 22:09 |
|
|
22 Eargesplitten posted:If you're not ready to share your finances, are you really ready to get married? I feel like that amount of trust is required for a successful marriage. This kind of cuts both ways though. What if they take you down with them? Lots of people think it's crass to consider finances at all in a relationship beyond a gambling addiction. Throw in sunk cost fallacy and the refusal to break up/divorce and for some people it is easier to triage financially and ride it out.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:36
|
|
|
22 Eargesplitten posted:If you're not ready to share your finances, are you really ready to get married? I feel like that amount of trust is required for a successful marriage.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:45
|
|
|
Leon Trotsky 2012 posted:This kind of cuts both ways though. Right but if you don't have the foundation of trust or the basic level of compatibility/adult life skills to not sink two people, you're not ready to be married. Marriage doesn't fix two incompetent people just like having a kid doesn't fix a broken marriage; it compounds problems. You can't use one competent person to prop up one incompetent person, either, it just drags both down. Taking care of an adult who becomes disabled is a full time job; taking care of an adult who is actively fighting your efforts like with mental illness takes a team of caregivers. Bhodi posted:I'm not sure about this. Sharing information about finances does not necessitate combining them, and I wouldn't expect my SO to presume although an open and earnest discussion about finances in general is mandatory. We might give to each other in expenses if there was a serious imbalance, but on the whole that's a personal choice not an assumption of complete and flat leveling post-marriage. A "shared account" for general expenses seems to be the norm with my friends who are married and it seems to work for them. This. The open and honest communication is mandatory. Commingling of funds or accounts is the part that's up for discussion. You can't have any sort of meeting of the minds without that communication, and even a prenup is communication. BonerGhost fucked around with this message at 00:54 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:50
|
|
|
However, in the eyes of the law your finances are shared whether you like it or not. Barring some unusual circumstances, you may as well accept that and treat them that way. Sure there are some specifics that vary state to state, but generally anything received post-marriage is not "his" nor "hers" but "ya'll's".
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:52
|
|
|
Guinness posted:However, in the eyes of the law your finances are shared whether you like it or not. Barring some unusual circumstances, you may as well accept that and treat them that way. Bhodi fucked around with this message at 01:02 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:57
|
|
|
NancyPants posted:
But the 9$ ice cream pint isn't in the original reddit post. The comments seem a bit more reasonable when you read the reddit post instead of the version posted here.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 00:57
|
|
|
A dearth of quality BWM stories means more diamond-horse chat. Bring on the fabricated stories!!
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:00
|
|
|
The crazy parent that is teaching her son to hate the world at a young age messed up the rent percentage and it is really bothering me. The roof over your head shouldn't be more than 35% of monthly budget. I've considered for future children - making them aware of household expenses but man that's just a whole new level. If she wants to really bring it home, she should randomly have a "poo poo, some rear end in a top hat hit your car with no insurance, now you've got to pay up for the deductible" and then just rake all of his saved earnings.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:02
|
|
|
flynt posted:But the 9$ ice cream pint isn't in the original reddit post. The comments seem a bit more reasonable when you read the reddit post instead of the version posted here.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:04
|
|
|
Also she only makes 12k as a student so the disparity is even larger.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:09
|
|
|
Guinness posted:However, in the eyes of the law your finances are shared whether you like it or not. Barring some unusual circumstances, you may as well accept that and treat them that way. Communal property laws differ wildly between states and there is very little in the way of federal laws. In practice, most people are going to bail out the other partner, though.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:11
|
|
|
Bhodi posted:I'm not sure about this. Sharing information about finances does not necessitate combining them, and I wouldn't expect my SO to presume although an open and earnest discussion about finances in general is mandatory. We might give to each other in expenses if there was a serious imbalance, but on the whole that's a personal choice not an assumption of complete and flat leveling post-marriage. A "shared account" for general expenses seems to be the norm with my friends who are married and it seems to work for them. That system seems to work well enough when both people are in similarish situations (e.g. DINK couple with both people at a similar level on the career ladder) or someone is in a situation where they want to insulate their other partner from their financial history (e.g. divorce or past debts), but lots of people don't think beyond that point. If you have kids and one of you becomes a stay-at-home parent, does that person all of a sudden have no discretionary spending? Are vacations and retirement general expenses or individual ones? If they're individual, will you seriously leave your spouse at home when they can't afford to go on vacation with you? Are you seriously okay with the possibility that one person retires 15-20 years before the other? Will you go to the movies and eat out alone (or at least without your spouse) for the rest of your life because your spouse decided to spend all of their personal money on horseboats? Part of the desire to keep separate accounts comes from a desire to preserve personal financial autonomy, but for many people it also comes from a desire to avoid personal financial accountability.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:16
|
|
|
silicone thrills posted:The crazy parent that is teaching her son to hate the world at a young age messed up the rent percentage and it is really bothering me. The roof over your head shouldn't be more than 35% of monthly budget. I know exactly why it is bothering me: She is a hair's breadth away from the parent who opens a credit card in her child's name and justifies it by "I gave birth to you/put a roof over your head/fed you!" She's a bully. She's not teaching him anything about how to manage money because her child has no autonomy in managing money. She's just exerting control over someone with no care to their needs or wants. It's called abuse.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:21
|
|
|
I don't really understand the separate finances thing (other than in situations to insulate the other person like what powerlurker mentioned). Marriage is marriage. If you aren't willing to be 100% responsible to each other (and this includes financially) it seems like you've just got a really good roommate that maybe you're having kids with. If one or both of you prevents this type of dedication and you get married anyway you are just another component of that 40-50% divorce rate in the US.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:24
|
|
|
NancyPants posted:I know exactly why it is bothering me: She is a hair's breadth away from the parent who opens a credit card in her child's name and justifies it by "I gave birth to you/put a roof over your head/fed you!" She's a bully. She's not teaching him anything about how to manage money because her child has no autonomy in managing money. She's just exerting control over someone with no care to their needs or wants. It's called abuse.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 01:50
|
|
|
Hoodwinker posted:If you read the other comments by the poster in the thread, your assertion becomes clearly out of touch with the reality being presented. People raised valid criticisms of the method and the OP was like, "Yeah, you're right. We were too gung-ho about this. I see what you've presented as a more reasonable option." At least from my reading of it. Except people literally do what I just said  If she changes her ways it doesn't change the fact that that crazy method is still crazy. Do you think that every time a person makes a mistake they've got to wear a scarlet letter for life or something?E: I should have been clearer that I understand people can do lovely things without being lovely for life. BonerGhost fucked around with this message at 02:32 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 02:26
|
|
|
silicone thrills posted:The crazy parent that is teaching her son to hate the world at a young age messed up the rent percentage and it is really bothering me. The roof over your head shouldn't be more than 35% of monthly budget. I was thinking the same thing. She set her kid up to fail by charging him 50% of his income in rent. She'd be better off giving him an idealized ratio of housing to income. At least that way he grows up assuming that's the proper way to budget.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 02:39
|
|
|
The entire concept is sort of silly, because like hell a 5 year old is "earning" $100 a week. If you're trying to give the kid an idea of the value of a dollar, giving them $100 for the kind of chores a 5 year old can do is sending mixed messages.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:09
|
|
|
Eh I empathize. I think she's well intentioned. As someone who grew up with nothing, raising a child in an upper middle class home, it's something I struggle with. How do you teach your child the value of a dollar when the way you were taught the value of the dollar was by only ever buying clothes from the local thrift store because your parents couldn't afford anything else and happily sleeping on a mattress from the side of the road because it was at least a mattress?
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:22
|
|
|
If only there were some shared pool of knowledge and a way of dispersing that knowledge to others. I guess there's no way of knowing.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:23
|
|
|
It's not how I do things, but there's nothing wrong with various levels of "seperate" finances. Good couples find out what works for them. It is interesting that it seems that BWM stories seem to cluster around the extremes of either completely separate or having one person control everything. It would be interesting to do a study to see the distribution. I mean, not interesting enough for me to make any effort, but I'd read it...
I Like Jell-O fucked around with this message at 03:59 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:30
|
|
|
NancyPants posted:If only there were some shared pool of knowledge and a way of dispersing that knowledge to others. I can't tell if you're serious or not. The top responses to her post are in support of her methods. Saying I have empathy for someone who is dealing with a tough question and reaching a conclusion that may be detrimental to her goals is pretty irrelevant to whatever argument you're trying to make about me. Do we really know the best method? Is there some shared pool of knowledge that has a consensus on best practices that includes this? As far as I can tell the AAP certainly doesn't have a stance. I haven't seen any edit: conclusive studies on it and that's the scary part. There are certainly books that I hope are right that I am reading, but without the rigor of the scientific process, who really knows? It's all conjecture. Rurutia fucked around with this message at 03:33 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:30
|
|
|
The mom's strategy is completely developmentally inappropriate for a 5 year old
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:36
|
|
|
Rurutia posted:whatever argument you're trying to make about me drat dude you might want to get that inflamed nerve capped or something. edit: cowofwar posted:The mom's strategy is completely developmentally inappropriate for a 5 year old Pretty much this. And it's not as if it's some big secret. Any parenting class, book, or basically common sense would indicate the same. There are resources to figure this out, but people think asking reddit or Bogleheads or furrowing their eyebrows while munching their fingernails counts as educating themselves about it. BonerGhost fucked around with this message at 03:50 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 03:45
|
|
|
I'm all for teaching financial literacy, but I would think that starts somewhere around what, 12-13?
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 04:45
|
|
|
NancyPants posted:Pretty much this. And it's not as if it's some big secret. Any parenting class, book, or basically common sense would indicate the same. There are resources to figure this out, but people think asking reddit or Bogleheads or furrowing their eyebrows while munching their fingernails counts as educating themselves about it. All the mother seems to be teaching is:  Duckman2008 posted:I'm all for teaching financial literacy, but I would think that starts somewhere around what, 12-13? Maybe teach basic hands on budgeting at 8 or 9. Financial literacy other than don't spend all your money and save some is probably better at 12-14. Although no doubt someone has a better idea than me.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 04:48
|
|
|
Duckman2008 posted:I'm all for teaching financial literacy, but I would think that starts somewhere around what, 12-13? Yeah, maybe I'm sheltered or out of touch but I don't remember ever seeing a 5 year old who carried their own money and bought things. A 7 or 8 year old sure, but they'll only spend it on lollies, or perhaps to get on the bus.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 04:52
|
|
|
My point is I'm not seeing any actual (peer reviewed, credible, not just a single person giving conjecture) sources being cited here. Appealing to common sense is infuriating to me because I'm sure antivaxxers and trump supporters claim their conclusions are based on common sense. All I was saying was that I can empathize with a mother doing her best, and deciding on a strategy that's totally misguided. I don't disagree that it seems like a bad idea at that age, but maybe it's not actively harmful and allows the child to acclimate to that sort of thinking easier instead of introducing it at the much less receptive teen ages. Who the gently caress knows. But yeah, I'm actively struggling with developing a strategy for my child so I care about the subject. Here is a book I've been reading about it if anyone cares: The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062247026/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_NVlYyb6VWTFR3
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:00
|
|
|
Rurutia posted:Here is a book I've been reading about it if anyone cares: The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062247026/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_NVlYyb6VWTFR3 What research shows is that if you buy books like this to help your child your child is more likely to benefit. That is any book about helping your kids not just ones about money. I was interested in money and how banks work from about 8 years old. Although that was probably an influence by my grandfather and my own inclination towards anything involving mathematics. I think where that there's a mistake in the sum involved being $100 and the child netting $15. I suspect the lesson will end up focusing the child on how to yield a higher percentage of the $100, although that could positive or negative consequences.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:10
|
|
|
I don't need to cite a peer reviewed article to say that someone whose best is asking reddit is a loving moron. I'll go on record. If that's her best, engrave it on my body that she's an idiot. I understand being overwhelmed by conflicting info at books and actual classes, but edit:solely yelling at the sky along with people who also yell at the sky is not an attempt at learning how to parent your child. Has she taken a parenting class? Read a book about child psychology? I can't be bothered to look to see if she has because I'm obviously also a lazy piece of poo poo, but I haven't, you know, taken on the task of sheltering and raising another human being, so there's no tiny person depending on me to pull my stupid head out of my stupid rear end. BonerGhost fucked around with this message at 05:17 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:14
|
|
|
I realize I might need specialized training and education to know what the good ideas are but I feel like I could pretty well knock the $100/$15 trick as being a bad idea. Back to "my boyfriend is stingy" girl. How did she incur a $500 late rent fee? And how was that his fault? I read it a few times and I still wasn't sure.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:18
|
|
|
I never said you weren't entitled to that opinion or that I have much disagreement with it.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:18
|
|
|
Blinkman987 posted:Back to "my boyfriend is stingy" girl. How did she incur a $500 late rent fee? And how was that his fault? I read it a few times and I still wasn't sure. People got off track on that one. She's an idiot and she hosed up a simple thing she was responsible for. It's not just that late fee but also, if I recall correctly, is the carried balance on the credit cards. She seems to be trying to blame her partner for her mistakes while complaining about him online.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:21
|
|
|
Devian666 posted:People got off track on that one. She's an idiot and she hosed up a simple thing she was responsible for. It's not just that late fee but also, if I recall correctly, is the carried balance on the credit cards. She seems to be trying to blame her partner for her mistakes while complaining about him online. The $500 thing was part of Leon's fabrication.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:24
|
|
|
Rurutia posted:The $500 thing was part of Leon's fabrication. Just get into discussing the fabrication. There's a lack of real BWM.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:26
|
|
|
This thread and the r/relationships thread in GBS need to stop cannibalizing each other for stories so much. It is getting silly.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:30
|
|
|
Here how about this one. https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/5zh8f4/my_friend_and_i_were_scammed_out_of_160_for_fake/ Hi Reddit, This girl just scammed me and my friend out of $160 for fake Coachella tickets. She saw us looking for tickets on a Facebook page and contacted us a few weeks ago. Neither of us knew her, but she seemed trustworthy because she sent us a picture of her and her boyfriend's drivers licenses. She asked us to pay a $160 deposit to hold the tickets, which is standard for expensive concert tickets. She is now ignoring our text messages, Facebook messages, and calls. However, I do have plenty of her personal information: -I have a picture of her driver’s license so I know her full name and address -I have her phone number and e-mail address -I have her father's phone number (thanks to my expert Googling skills) I know this is actually her and not someone pretending to be her because I wired the money to her using her e-mail address, which consisted of her first and last name. I googled the e-mail address and it was linked to her identity on several pages, which leads me to believe that it's not someone just posing as her. I also added her on Facebook and she was pictures dating years and years back. If I take this to the police, is this something they can help us with?
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:32
|
|
|
monster on a stick posted:Maybe we're running out of people who are BWM If that kid is spending 50% of his pay on rent, he should really consider moving to a less expensive area. That's ridiculous.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:39
|
|
|
|
| # ? Jun 3, 2024 22:09 |
|
|
 Next thing you know he's going to have to take his goldfish to the e-vet or pick up a candle habit and be in here. Rurutia posted:Here how about this one. It only costs like $5 to file a police report, right? Why not? BonerGhost fucked around with this message at 05:45 on Mar 15, 2017 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2017 05:40
|
|