Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

loquacius posted:

Maybe it's a Christianity thing; I went to temple a lot as a kid and I never heard a rabbi spend any of his sermon time talking poo poo about other religions

I remember a couple barbs at those loving smug-rear end Orthodox but that's about it

Yeah, but AFAIK, Judaism doesn't have a whole thing about how you need to spread the word to all corners of the earth so they can hear the Good Word.

# ? Mar 28, 2017 18:52

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# ? May 10, 2024 16:39

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Jews don't want any jerk-offs joining their club, man

If you want to join, you gotta jump through some hoops

And then they give you the CHOP

# ? Mar 28, 2017 20:56

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Judaism does not proselytize, which I actually really like about it

The canon Jewish response to someone wanting to convert is "why would you WANT this"

# ? Mar 28, 2017 20:58

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

We're all gonna feel real stupid when we die and some crazy religion from like 20k BC turns out to be correct and we all get banished to the land of predators and cold because we weren't buried with our seashell talisman and an ostrich femur.

# ? Mar 28, 2017 21:18

Arkanomen: May 6, 2007; All he wants is a hug

Solice Kirsk posted:

We're all gonna feel real stupid when we die and some crazy religion from like 20k BC turns out to be correct and we all get banished to the land of predators and cold because we weren't buried with our seashell talisman and an ostrich femur.

You wrong, ostrich femur talisman and a seashell, you wrong way round. Unbeliever I Kill you!

# ? Mar 28, 2017 21:30

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

If something like that happens I don't think I could even be mad, I'd just have to acknowledge they played a good game at appearing to be a bunch of batshit nonsense that nobody in their right mind would believe, and accept my eternal punishment.

# ? Mar 28, 2017 21:33

Mr.Tophat: Apr 7, 2007; You clearly don't understand joke development

yeah I eat rear end posted:

If something like that happens I don't think I could even be mad, I'd just have to acknowledge they played a good game at appearing to be a bunch of batshit nonsense that nobody in their right mind would believe, and accept my eternal punishment.

Even if you did worship the right god, that god might very well be like, "Well, you had an awful lot of power trips fantasizing about killing me," *squints at notes* "final fantasy, nietzsche, more final fantasy. Not cool. Not cool at all. Hell might be a better fit for you"

# ? Mar 28, 2017 22:02

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

quote:

I'm a homicide detective in a red state with a stand your ground law. I loving hate the fact that some junkie rummaging through your tool shed is gonna end up dead just for being on the property and there's basically nothing I can do about it due to how the laws in this shithole state are written.

"Oh no, he was coming right for me" bang bang bang

I carry a gun and have become very proficient with it, and I've been put in several situations where lethal force is "justified" but I've never killed anyone. Because human life is precious and I don't want that on my conscience unless absolutely nessecary.

This is a confession because I mostly stay silent while coworkers talk about how great it is we have state sanctioned murder for tool theft

This one kind of got lost under all the whiny teenage GOD IS DEAD bullshit, but you seem like a cool person.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 00:00

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

yeah I eat rear end posted:

If something like that happens I don't think I could even be mad, I'd just have to acknowledge they played a good game at appearing to be a bunch of batshit nonsense that nobody in their right mind would believe, and accept my eternal punishment.

It could be that the people who go through life not believing will be rewarded because they had it harder than those who had the comfort of faith.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 13:06

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

One time I saw WWE wrestler Seth Rollins at the grocery store. WWE was in town that night so I assumed he was grabbing some food or something. So I go up to him to get a picture or maybe just say hi. And then he pinched my nipple.

I just stare at him and he said "loving mark, leave me alone" and ran away.

I will never support the WWE after that moment.

quote:

I have a hard time communicating and showing emotions and it's a huge sticking point with my fiance. I fully admit it is my biggest flaw and I'm slowly working to change it.

This past weekend we went to see Beauty and the Beast (for her) and Kong (for me). At the end of Beauty and the Beast my fiance looks over to see if I'm crying and I'm not. She said "didn't that make you feel anything" and I was honest with her and said "I was a little bored at the end and the piano made me laugh". We didn't have sex that night even though I thought seeing that movie would guarantee some.

The next day we saw Kong. I'll avoid spoilers but the post-credits sequence is amazing and I was hit with a massive wave of nostalgia for my childhood, which led to me crying. My girlfriend looked over and said "are you loving kidding me" and left. We also didn't have sex that night.

I know it's probably nothing but I saw my fiance spinning her engagement ring on the table - that's the first time I know that she's taken it off since we got engaged 3 years ago. I might be paranoid but I think my show of emotion turned her off....

# ? Mar 29, 2017 13:25

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

I too cry for monsters but if they turn human I give 0 fucks

# ? Mar 29, 2017 13:27

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

3 year engagement pushed it over the edge.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 13:28

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

So is that guy Roy from The Office?

# ? Mar 29, 2017 13:31

Metrofreak: Mar 17, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Ahahaha. I love this one.
"Y'know what makes me cry? A literal slideshow of MOTHRA (Summer 2019), ROHDAN (Spring 2021), KING GHIDORA (Summer 2022)"

Oh that was good.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 13:57

Zodiac5000: Jun 19, 2006; Protects the Pack!; Doctor Rope

Arkanomen posted:

You wrong, ostrich femur talisman and a seashell, you wrong way round. Unbeliever I Kill you!

Dammit Arkanomen, you know there are *three* seashells, a cockatoo, AND a femur talisman. Stop playing meanspirited pranks on these people's souls or Asherah the Hungerer will put you in the 'maybe eat later' pile.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 14:24

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

that 37 year old virgin goon with the bad childhood should hire a hooker

or one of those therapists that gently caress you and pretend they're not a hooker that was in some earlier confession thread. sexual surrogacy i think

# ? Mar 29, 2017 14:29

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Jose posted:

that 37 year old virgin goon with the bad childhood should hire a hooker

or one of those therapists that gently caress you and pretend they're not a hooker that was in some earlier confession thread. sexual surrogacy i think

I'm not sure whether sexual surrogates are a myth or a real thing, but if they are real it could actually be a pretty useful thing to a lot of emotionally damaged people. I don't mean a hooker that is payed by your insurance, I mean someone that genuinely guides them through sex in a therapeutic way.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 14:48

Tato: Jun 19, 2001; DIRECTIVE 236: Promote pro-social values

Metrofreak posted:

Ahahaha. I love this one.
"Y'know what makes me cry? A literal slideshow of MOTHRA (Summer 2019), ROHDAN (Spring 2021), KING GHIDORA (Summer 2022)"

Oh that was good.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ? Mar 29, 2017 14:54

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

The Management posted:

I'm not sure whether sexual surrogates are a myth or a real thing, but if they are real it could actually be a pretty useful thing to a lot of emotionally damaged people. I don't mean a hooker that is payed by your insurance, I mean someone that genuinely guides them through sex in a therapeutic way.

a decent hooker will do that if you're upfront about it i imagine

# ? Mar 29, 2017 14:56

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The Management posted:

I'm not sure whether sexual surrogates are a myth or a real thing, but if they are real it could actually be a pretty useful thing to a lot of emotionally damaged people. I don't mean a hooker that is payed by your insurance, I mean someone that genuinely guides them through sex in a therapeutic way.

I'm sure there are therapists like that. The real question is how they would go about getting licensed for it. Like, would they have to show their proficiency at a myriad of sexual acts/positions in front of a board or something?

# ? Mar 29, 2017 15:00

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Solice Kirsk posted:

I'm sure there are therapists like that. The real question is how they would go about getting licensed for it. Like, would they have to show their proficiency at a myriad of sexual acts/positions in front of a board or something?

Thinking about it, there's no way a medical board would authorize sexual contact between a therapist and a patient, at least in the US. There would have to be a third party sexual surrogate that is under the direction of a licensed therapist.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 15:22

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

if you feel bad about your body maybe get a dominatrix

# ? Mar 29, 2017 15:23

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Jose posted:

if you feel bad about your body maybe get a dominatrix

Yeah from the ones I've seen just looking at one will likely make you feel much better about yourself.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 16:03

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I've started getting really into GILF porn online.

Not like gross old saggy women; I'm talking 55+ age women who still have good bodies but maybe they're a little saggy in a few spots. I think it's the idea that these older women, at a time when a lot of people stop caring about their bodies, are still committed to looking sexually appealing.

I will never tell this to anybody because it's seen as weird, though.

quote:

I took a week's vacation last week as I'm going through a bad divorce and needed some time to clear my mind. I spent it at my parents' house in order to give my ex-wife a week to clear out her stuff from the apartment. I am not in a good spot mentally, which may be clouding my judgment on the following events. I would appreciate 3rd party judgment and advice.

I was loving about in the attic and found a box of my old drawings and writings from elementary school. I wanted to be a comic book artist/writer at the time. They're hilarious to look back at now, at least they were when I started reading them.

I created this character called Super Ultra Man, who is both a ripoff of Superman and a self-insert of my elementary school self. He has 5 friends who all have ninja weapons and magic powers and are obviously my elementary school friends, and the 7th member of the team is a robot named Bort. You can definitely tell what kind of shows I was watching as a kid.

The thing is, the first few "issues" I created are dumb kids stuff. The heroes fight villains that are either evil scientists or robots or half scientist half robot or mutants. Stuff I had definitely ripped off of other places. Every issue ends with a big kung fu fight and the bad guys get thrown in jail. Then this villain shows up, and I just drew him as a big black silhouette with red eyes and a red bow tie. And he beats the crap out of the good guys and it's really weird because I drew blood and stuff coming from the heroes.

It's definitely possible I was just trying to get "darker and more adult" with the stuff as I kept drawing it, but it gets weirder.The shadow guy blows up Bort and then sics some dogs, who are also drawn as silhouettes with red eyes and red bow ties, on the heroes. That's the end of an issue and the next issue just picks up like nothing happened, except 3 of the Ninja team are gone and never mentioned.

There's 2 more issues but they're more like those first issues.

I read through this stuff and got creeped out a bit. I didn't remember drawing it but that was almost 30 years ago. But then I noticed that the silhouette guy's name was Rehtaf. That's father spelled backwards.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 23:08

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

My robot is also named bort

# ? Mar 29, 2017 23:15

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Then I noticed Rehtaf uses his "Tselom" ray on the hero every issue, guys my story is so deep don't you think??????

# ? Mar 29, 2017 23:22

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

My father, who murdered my friend Bort, is also named Bort

# ? Mar 29, 2017 23:29

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

55+ is the new 18. Whatevs.

# ? Mar 29, 2017 23:30

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Like I'm sorry your post disappeared from the first page of r/nosleep after a couple of hours because nobody upvoted it, but maybe gently caress off and think of something better next time

# ? Mar 29, 2017 23:32

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

And get this, my father was never home! (Between 9am and 5pm)
And in the comic I drew when I was 7, Rehtaf had a pet dog named Dad. That's Dad spelled backwards!

# ? Mar 30, 2017 00:05

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

One time my father didn't let me have KFC for dinner and made me clean my room then in one issue Rehtaf was eating chicken! And his room was immaculate!

# ? Mar 30, 2017 00:09

Jailbrekr: Apr 8, 2002; A TOWN LEVELED BY AN EXPLOSION? DOZENS LIKELY KILLED? OH GOD LET ME SEE THAT SWEET VIDEO OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING

ElGroucho posted:

Jews don't want any jerk-offs joining their club, man

If you want to join, you gotta jump through some hoops

And then they give you the CHOP

As someone who was in the orthodox conversion program for 2.5 years, they make you jump through more than a few hoops. More if you're in a relationship at the time.

# ? Mar 30, 2017 00:12

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Dude, that's like when you found out the bad guy was the dad in the Lego Movie!

# ? Mar 30, 2017 01:13

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I went out partying with some buddies and, long story short, we ended up seeing my grandma at Buffalo Wild Wings. She joined us and even had a few drinks. The problem is now I believe my friends think my grandma is cooler and more fun than me.

We made plans to go out this weekend and, already, they are asking if I could invite my grandma. One text even said "Your grandma is so cool, she loving rocks". I love my grandma but don't wan to go drinking with her every week.

quote:

I am the middle child of 3 sisters. My youngest sister is 19. She's lived a bit of a sheltered life and, compared to myself and our older sister, hasn't had as much life experience. Especially with relationships - she's just recently started dating a guy and it's her first boyfriend. I am worried she is overlooking some major issues, but also worried I might just be an overly protective sister.

He came over to visit the family and get to know everybody. He brought food and we all thought "okay, this guy is a winner so far". Unfortunately that ended pretty quick. At one point my sister got up to go to the bathroom and he asked if could come and watch. She got really flushed and he started saying "it's just a joke folks, just joking!". We awkwardly laughed it off but I was keeping an eye on him the whole night.

Later on we played charades. He started miming some really obviously graphic sex stuff - giving a BJ, getting a BJ, and obviously penetrating two different people. He was paired with my grandma who just kind of stared and either didn't know what he was doing or didn't want to say. At the end he said his word was "threesome". I asked to look at the card and he ripped it up and said "let's not use that card again, that was hard".

He went to the bathroom shortly after that and it was super awkward. Nobody wanted to say anything but we all felt like he was not a good person and not a good fit for our sister. That's when he heard him jacking off. He had his phone at full volume and we heard moaning and grunting. Then he made a grunting noise.

And before you say "there's no way he was jerking off"; that night my mom found wadded up tissues shoved in the garbage can. He didn't even flush that poo poo.

When he came back down my dad started yawning and said it was getting late and we should all head home. My sister's boyfriend shook everyone's hand and I avoided it by saying I was feeling sick and didn't want to get him sick. But then he hugged me really awkwardly and said "You smell just like your sister".

My sister sees nothing wrong, or at least doesn't admit to it. But I fear that he's even creepier around her and she's just too new to relationships to notice this poo poo is wrong.