Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

"Tuition costs are out of control and our students have crippling debt for the majority of their productive lives as a result. Maybe we should look into forgiving some of that debt?"

"GET THAT SOCIALISM TALK OUTTA HERE YA drat PINKO!!"

# ? Apr 7, 2017 19:43

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 04:23

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Sure hope road rage goon gets killed soon

# ? Apr 7, 2017 19:46

Space Camp fuckup: Aug 2, 2003

purple death ray posted:

Sure hope road rage goon gets killed soon

# ? Apr 7, 2017 19:50

lowly abject turd: Mar 23, 2009

quote:

I suffer from anger management issues in general and specifically have major road rage issues. I have forced people off the road before, thrown things at moving and parked cars, followed people for hours, and have gotten in to several fights. I purposely caused an accident to get back at someone who cut me off. I know this is bad but my anger completely takes over my mind and I stop thinking rationally.

My last incident should give you an idea of how I think. I was driving downtown, headed to work in the morning. Traffic is heavy. I already get antsy and angry since there's a lot of stop and go driving. Then my lane just stops. 5 cars ahead, somebody stopped and has their blinkers on. I swerve in to the other lane and look over - it's an older woman dropping her husband off at work. Illegally parking.

I speed ahead and pull in to a parking lot a block down, fuming about why these idiots didn't just park their to begin with. I get out of the car and run back, they're still unloading the husband since he's on crutches. I start swearing and yelling, I don't remember a lot but I definitely called her a cocksucker and him an assblasted gimp. Stupid insults yeah but they just start flying when I'm mad. I pushed him down and threw my pocket full of change at her then ran off. A couple cars honked their approval at me, I think. I get back in my car and feel like punching somebody and I end up at work really pissed off. Tell everybody about the idiots but leave out what I did. Feel a lot better after that and sneaking a little booze into my coffee.

That's not the worst incident but it's near the top. My worst incident was over Christmas one year. Had a long drive up to my parents' house. It's snowing pretty bad and we're on some back country roads. Idiot in front of me is going about 5 mph and has his high beams on. I try to pass and every time I do, there's a car coming the other lane. It's a no passing zone but I don't care at this point, I'm just angry. So I give him a light tap on the bumper. He freaks out and starts waving his arm to get me to go around. Too late, rear end in a top hat. I bump him again and this time, he tries to pull over to the side. Ends up in a ditch and his car is almost definitely stuck in the snow. I get out and smash his windshield with the bat I keep in my backseat. Tell him to "learn to loving drive" then tell him to call AAA so a real man can get him out of the ditch. Then I notice he has kids in the back seat and I feel pretty lovely so I leave.

Felt like poo poo for Christmas with my parents but some egg nog took care of that.

I am getting help for this but it's a slow process and I honestly think I'll end up in jail or dead before then, because I'll run the wrong guy off the road and he'll pull a gun on me.

knew someone like this who pulled this on the wrong group of people (probably really just one guy) who then beat him to within an inch of his life as a result he turned into a race realist, i guess what i'm saying is best case scenario is someone kills this chucklefuck

# ? Apr 7, 2017 20:10

Audax: Dec 1, 2005; "LOL U GOT OWNED"

What the gently caress is a race realist

# ? Apr 7, 2017 20:17

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Audax posted:

What the gently caress is a race realist

a real racist

# ? Apr 7, 2017 20:18

lowly abject turd: Mar 23, 2009

him being assaulted opened his eyes to the true nature of the black people and how the "system" is built to oppress the white man. This was from someone who would boast of brandishing airsoft guns to intimidate other drivers or similarly kept a hockey stick within arms reach.

# ? Apr 7, 2017 20:23

is pepsi ok: Oct 23, 2002

loquacius posted:

yikes

Holy gently caress, and I thought I had road rage issues because I honk at people and sometimes brake check people who are tailing me too close.

# ? Apr 7, 2017 20:35

timp: Sep 19, 2007; Everything is in my control; Lipstick Apathy

Stale Saltines posted:

Holy gently caress, and I thought I had road rage issues because I honk at people and sometimes brake check people who are tailing me too close.

I dunno, sounds like he keeps things nice and balanced out with alcohol like a normal, well adjusted, healthy fella would. It's probably fine.

# ? Apr 7, 2017 20:58

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

I hope road rage guy is beat good and spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair seething at the people blocking his path.

# ? Apr 7, 2017 23:40

Tinestram: Jan 13, 2006; Excalibur? More like "Needle"; Grimey Drawer

loquacius posted:

assblasted gimp

mods please change my username to this

# ? Apr 8, 2017 00:28

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

quote:

Totally gonna shoot someone for telling me how to park dang nabbit

You sound bad rear end.

quote:

I put people's lives in danger then drink to forget about it, wanna see my two inch penis?

You sound bad rear end.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:01

Fintilgin: Sep 29, 2004; Fintilgin sweeps!

yeah I eat rear end posted:

No masturbating goon, my former college roommate ended up marrying a girl who made him keep a log of every time he jacked off with notes on who he was thinking of and a summary of what they did. He showed me the excel spreadsheet once, there were like 500 entries for the semester and over 90% he put he was thinking of her (so obviously he was full of poo poo). Most of the rest of them were just celebrities so he could say there's no way he'd leave her for any of them and it's just a fantasy etc. Just be glad you aren't him and got out of it while you still could.

He was oh so subtly showing you his excel spreadsheet because he wanted you to notice that entry 274 was your name. Your obliviousness ruined a beautiful romance. :smith:

# ? Apr 8, 2017 01:43

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

The Management posted:

I hope road rage guy is beat good and spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair seething at the people blocking his path.

Then Pick can buy him gifts!

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:29

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; Can't post for 4 days!

Solice Kirsk posted:

Then Pick can buy him gifts!

What was the Wheelchair story involving Pick again? I'm about 5 lifetime movies behind here.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:37

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My wedding is in July, and I am marrying who I thought to be the sweetest man in the world. However, the wedding planning has me having 2nd thoughts about my husband. And all over one stupid thing.

We are both huge nerds, big shock, and incorporated some tasteful nerdy things into the reception. The cake toppers, each table is named after a famous fictional couple and includes stuff like "Han and Leia", and some of the music selections are movie and video game theme remixes you can dance to.

The problem is we have started discussing our first dance as a couple. Months ago we agreed it would be a traditional love song, since it was more about everybody around us getting to say "Oh they're so beautiful" and snapping some pics. But my fiance, unknown to me, planned an elaborate scene coordinated to music and involving costumes, props, and other members of the wedding party.

He wants our first dance to be set to the theme from Indiana Jones. In his scenario he will be running from a giant boulder, then use a whip to grab me. Suddenly a bunch of guys with swords would attack and we'd fight them off. Then he'd get into a one on one fight with "somebody dressed as Hitler" and punch him out before we both open the Ark of the Covenant, which would have a bunch of colored lights in it, which would then lead to the love theme from Indiana Jones playing as we dance and share a kiss.

My problems are obvious - I will not have someone dressed as Hitler at the wedding, I don't want people swinging fake swords around, and the whole thing sounds expensive. My fiance added the poo poo cherry on top of this poo poo sundae by saying that the ball could be played by my dad. My dad is in a wheelchair and is still very self conscious about it because it's due to a drunk driver hitting him.

I agreed to a more limited and tasteful scene, but he basically threw a tantrum and said it wasn't the same and without Hitler we were "Goddamn cowards afraid of offending some people who would probably love to see Hitler punched in the face anyway". I even went so far as to suggest his entire original scene, but sub in a fictional Indiana Jones villain for Hitler and forget the ball. He left the house in anger and didn't come back for 5 hours. When he said that me arguing over Hitler and the ball was like him saying we should replace the wedding cake with "a poo poo sandwich" because some people don't like cake.

This kind of argument continued for the last 3 weeks. We are at a bad point now - he has threatened to call off the wedding if this doesn't happen. I asked what was more important - me or this scene. He said it was about integrity and not censoring humor just because we don't want to offend anyone. I said what if I just don't want it to happen and he said, and this cut deep, "If you force me to drop this then you're no woman I'd ever want to marry"

quote:

At my lowest point in life, in a haze of loneliness and alcohol, I had sex with a mentally handicapped woman at the request of her parents and was paid $15 for it.

It was bad and weird and I regretted it instantly. And 15 bucks just got me some gas for my car/house and a footlong at subway. Not worth the shame and awkwardness. I know the girl enjoyed it from how she acted but I also wonder if her parents were bad parents for even letting this be a thing.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 04:58

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Just lmao if you don't want to punch Hitler at your own wedding

# ? Apr 8, 2017 05:02

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

If the nerd cared about canon then he would get Hitlers autograph and then drop his bride into a chasm. Get out now. The man obviously doesn't respect you or Lucas' artistic vision.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 05:06

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

Compromise and do Temple of doom and eat fake monkey brains or something poo poo

# ? Apr 8, 2017 05:07

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

You must be a pedophile because it sounds like you're marrying a loving 12 year old, hth

# ? Apr 8, 2017 05:28

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

Indy husband is damaged. Not because of his stupid wedding vision but because he is unable to compromise with his future wife and doesn't understand social norms.

Sever

# ? Apr 8, 2017 06:33

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Danaru posted:

Just lmao if you don't want to punch Hitler at your own wedding

Just lmao if you don't want to get paid to bang a tard

# ? Apr 8, 2017 06:42

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

McGavin posted:

Just lmao if you don't want to get paid to bang a tard

I figured that one was just a stab at that one goon that has "The internet paid me to gently caress a mentally challenged high school girl" title.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 06:48

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

There is no such thing as tastefully nerdy in a wedding. It's supposed to be about the two of you, not what media you consume. I guarantee if you go through with that indiana jones stuff everyone but him there will be internally cringing praying it will be over soon. I am sure he is picturing himself as the next viral wedding video sensation and he can quit work and be a youtube superstar but it's going to be 100 times lamer than he is imagining, hitler or no hitler.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 06:49

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Perhaps to make it less cringey for your guests you should stipulate that they all come dressed as Hitler. It will be a wedding party of Hitlers. A sea of Hitlers smiling upon the young Hitler couple as they stand at the altar. The celebrant too can be a Hitler. That way nobody can feel uncomfortable

# ? Apr 8, 2017 08:35

ChickenWyngz: Apr 3, 2015; Got them WMD's! Got that Pandemic!

Hedrigall posted:

Perhaps to make it less cringey for your guests you should stipulate that they all come dressed as Hitler. It will be a wedding party of Hitlers. A sea of Hitlers smiling upon the young Hitler couple as they stand at the altar. The celebrant too can be a Hitler. That way nobody can feel uncomfortable

Das the Reich way to do it!

# ? Apr 8, 2017 08:44

SatansOnion: Dec 12, 2011

ChickenWyngz posted:

Das the Reich way to do it!

I absolutely can nazi it backfiring

# ? Apr 8, 2017 08:47

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

SatansOnion posted:

I absolutely can nazi it backfiring

That party will be a gas.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 09:20

Streak: May 16, 2004; by Nyc_Tattoo

take the lame nazi puns to reddit where they belong, thanks

# ? Apr 8, 2017 09:29

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

k-kill all j-jews h-hehe

# ? Apr 8, 2017 09:39

Marmaduke!: May 19, 2009; Why would it do that!?

Ken Livingstone as toastmaster

# ? Apr 8, 2017 09:48

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Streak posted:

take the lame nazi puns to reddit where they belong, thanks

Way to be a humour Nazi.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 09:54

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Streak posted:

take the lame nazi puns to reddit where they belong, thanks

Seriously. I think this could be the final solution.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 13:07

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

At this point of "nerd culture" I'd find a Nazi themed wedding less offensive to the senses. I sincerely hope that helps.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 13:55

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I was too drunk to write eloquently about it last night, but I think my wife and I managed to tastefully reference our nerdy interests in our wedding. No dumb skits, no ridiculous costumes, no cheesy table names or decorations, but the wedding party and I walked down the aisle to Downstream from Braid and my wife walked down to Vitamin String Quarter's cover of Seasons of Love from Rent. It was a nice Easter egg if you got the references and pretty chamber music if you didn't.

Oh, and our recessional was Praise You by Fatboy Slim, but that's not really a nerd thing

quote:

My dad is in his late 50s, I'm in my early 20s.

My mom died while I was an infant. My dad recently remarried.

I am extremely attracted to my stepmother. I will obviously never act on it. But I still live at home with my dad and think a lot about just walking in on her and kissing her and seeing what happens. Or at least stealing her panties or a pair of her shoes and keeping it as a masturbation tool. It doesn't help things that I'm incel and currently have 0 dating prospects, so I'm like a pipe full of cum about to burst at any moment.

Maybe if she'd just jerk me off in the tub or something I'd be okay. But probably I'd want more.

quote:

I cannot stop sucking my own dick.

I've done this since I was a child. I have moved from being horrified that anyone at all would find out, to sucking my own dick in public places. Just a few days ago I sucked myself off outside, a few dozen feet away from several unusupecting people. I've sucked my own dick in the car, at my office with the door locked, outside, in public bathrooms, etc.

I was originally finding girls on chat sites and dating sites to Skype with and then getting off on their reactions when I stuffed my dick in my mouth. More than a few were really loving into it, but let's be honest most that I approached were pretty horrified by the idea let alone the act.

The worst part is that until I'm about to nut it doesn't even feel that good. It is the most arousing thing in the loving world while I'm doing it, but afterwards each and every time my back loving hurts, my mouth tastes like cum, and I am ashamed and embarrassed that i continue to do this when it honestly feels better and is easier to just beat off. Every time I swear I'm going to stop, but then I get horny again and fantasize about getting the last inch of my dick into my mouth.

I have been doing this for over fifteen years and probably won't stop until I'm crippled.

And yes I still leave the loving house.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 14:17

dsf: Jul 1, 2004

take it from me, hitlers and weddings do not mix

# ? Apr 8, 2017 14:22

Nissin Cup Nudist: Sep 3, 2011; Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land

People: Go gently caress yourself

Duck sucking goon: hold my beer

# ? Apr 8, 2017 14:34

grumplestiltzkin: Jun 7, 2012; Ass, gas, or grass. No one rides for free.

Nissin Cup Nudist posted:

People: Go gently caress yourself

Duck sucking goon: hold my beer

mods please change my name to duck sucking goon tia

# ? Apr 8, 2017 15:22

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

yeah I eat rear end posted:

No masturbating goon, my former college roommate ended up marrying a girl who made him keep a log of every time he jacked off with notes on who he was thinking of and a summary of what they did. He showed me the excel spreadsheet once, there were like 500 entries for the semester and over 90% he put he was thinking of her (so obviously he was full of poo poo). Most of the rest of them were just celebrities so he could say there's no way he'd leave her for any of them and it's just a fantasy etc.

I want to see the pie chart.

# ? Apr 8, 2017 16:12

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 04:23

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

creampie chart

# ? Apr 8, 2017 16:14

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