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Rough Lobster posted:Everybody hosed the pig's face. "The Life and Times of David Cameron"
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Apr 2, 2017 17:43
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Senior Woodchuck posted:Now I'm imagining some book written 2,000 years from now describing ridiculous sex acts being performed in the stands at an NFL game. Heaven only knows what future bullshit historians will say about the Dawg Pound. "See, the Gulf War was just like a game of Wruejks-Hiegumsoe Tossing. On one side you've got Fluefloshe the Destroyer IV, at the height of its powers. On the other, you got GSV Irregular Apocalypse, at the the height of its powers ..."
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Apr 2, 2017 19:43
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Rough Lobster posted:"The position of Wide Receiver was exclusively granted to members of a class of amputee eunuchs. These slaves, having had both forearms removed for their crimes, were able to catch a FootBall thrown from hundreds of meters away with only their skilled and tractable anuses." Finally, a way to make football interesting.
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Apr 2, 2017 20:44
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Blood Bowl was a historical simulation.
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Apr 2, 2017 23:47
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outlier posted:GSV Irregular Apocalypse
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Apr 3, 2017 00:03
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Alhazred posted:"The Life and Times of David Cameron" 
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Apr 3, 2017 04:58
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Sounds like I'm the one who got trolled wrt Mead's scholarship. Apologies and thank you for the correction. Also those Roman histories are amazing.
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Apr 3, 2017 10:04
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My sister picked up Laurell K Hamilton's Kiss the Dead from an op shop recently (since she likes supernatural romance stuff) but even by the standards of that genre it turned out to be especially bad. So after she finished it she gave it to me to read, and she wasn't kidding. Here's the blurb:quote:When a fifteen-year-old girl is abducted by vampires, it’s up to U.S. Marshal Anita Blake to find her. And when she does, she’s faced with something she’s never seen before: a terrifyingly ordinary group of people—kids, grandparents, soccer moms—all recently turned and willing to die to avoid serving a master. And where there’s one martyr, there will be more… That all happens right at the start and then the majority of the book focuses on Anita personal life. She says at one point that she has seven boyfriends, but I'm pretty sure there were more than that. Plus one girlfriend. And all of them are either vampires or lycanthropes, many of them magically enslaved by her. But that's OK because "preternaturals" can't be allowed to be free, and actually they prefer it that way. Which brings me back to the blurb and how these vampires are willing to die rather than serve a maaster. It sounds like it's going to be an analogy for real-world issues of slavery and civil rights, and it kind of is, except that the protagonist is firmly on the pro-slavery side. As well as being a US Marshal she's also a government-sanctioned vampire hunter, which gives her the freedom to just kill vampires and lycanthropes if she suspects that they've killed someone, are going to kill someone, might be thinking about killing someone or even saw another vampire/lycanthrope kill someone. Yes, as a vampire, witnessing a crime is also a crime, and the sentence is death. And the book goes out of its way to tell you, over and over again, that if she invokes her right to kill vampires then she doesn't need any kind of evidence and there will be no investigation. Her word is good enough. She can also grant this same permission to cops she's with. And it also allows them to kill humans who are (or seem to be, or might have been) working with the vampires. The whole message of the book is basically "some people aren't really people and it's OK to kill or enslave them, and in fact it's right to do so." Also there's a lot of really badly written, but very graphic sex, and endless references to the previous 20 (yes, 20) books in the series. Anyway, here are some quotes: quote:I knew without doubt that if any more of the vampires tried to attack us I’d kill them, too, regardless of apparent age, race, sex, or religious affiliations. I was an equal-opportunity executioner; I killed everybody. quote:Yeah, that's the group name for a bunch of vampires: a kiss of vampires. A gobble of ghouls, a shamble of zombies, and a kiss of vampires; most people don't know that, and the rest don't care. quote:Looking at the twenty or so frightened faces staring at me, I felt bad that they were afraid of me, but I knew that if they attacked us, I'd kill them. They should have been afraid—of me. There's so much more, but it's hard to pick out the funny bits from the endless rambling and repetition. I wish I'd read an ebook version because then I could have copied them out as I went, but then I'd have had to actually pay money for it.
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May 4, 2017 10:28
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Tiggum posted:most people don't know that, and the rest don't care. Oddly enough I belong in both categories. Anyway seems a lot like male action from the 70s and 80s except a lot worse. e: They were usually under 200 pages though and I'm guessing this isn't?
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May 4, 2017 10:43
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Jerry Cotton posted:e: They were usually under 200 pages though and I'm guessing this isn't?
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May 4, 2017 10:46
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Tiggum posted:360. It's not a particularly long book, but it seems longer because it's so repetitive. It's 360 pages long so you know to turn 360 degrees and moonwalk away when you see it. The next volume will be one page long. I'll just see myself out. 
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May 4, 2017 10:59
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Anita Blake books are freaking horrible. It takes a powerfully bad writer to combine a strong female character with lycanthropy, vampires, voodoo, Aztec gods, and soulless contract killers, and NEVER WRITE A SINGLE LINE THAT COULD PASS THE loving BECHDEL TEST. e: Oh, and implied underage male-on-male rape. jesus loving CHRIST
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May 4, 2017 11:58
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You want the rape to be explicit?
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May 4, 2017 14:17
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Anita Blake books are freaking horrible. It takes a powerfully bad writer to combine a strong female character with lycanthropy, vampires, voodoo, Aztec gods, and soulless contract killers, and NEVER WRITE A SINGLE LINE THAT COULD PASS THE loving BECHDEL TEST. I have a friend that was pretty big into horror send me these books. I think it was like an omnibus and the first one being not bad. Kind of interesting actually, a detective who can talk to the dead in a world where the supernatural is real and a protected minority is very cool in theory. Then book two came about and we have werewolves sleeping in a puppy pile in the main characters bed cause she is the pack leader now. Also head vamp and head werewolf have the hots for her for some reason. I skimmed the next few books and it was just bad. It felt like her first book failed and she went full on smut to make money. I may be giving Hamilton to much credit.
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May 4, 2017 14:33
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IamnotJoe posted:I skimmed the next few books and it was just bad. It felt like her first book failed and she went full on smut to make money. I may be giving Hamilton to much credit.  The dialogue from this is all I think of every time I hear about those books. And for all Penny Arcade's flaws, they nailed it.
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May 5, 2017 17:43
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gleebster posted:You want the rape to be explicit? There is plenty of explicit rape in Anita Blake novels. IamnotJoe posted:I skimmed the next few books and it was just bad. It felt like her first book failed and she went full on smut to make money. I may be giving Hamilton to much credit. If you know anything about the author it gets REALLY weird. The first 6 or so books were a team effort by Hamilton and her hubby (who was apparently very similar to Richard). Around book 6, the couple divorced and Hamilton started some poly thing with a new guy.....that happens to have the self-insert Micah in the books. As the books go on, you see a ton of clashes between Richard and Micah that always come down to Micah having the bigger dick, being better in bed, being more comfortable with Anita's sexuality, and being strong enough to be submissive to Anita. It adds another layer of meanspiritedness to the books if you know that context.
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May 5, 2017 18:45
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Dienes posted:
Goddamn it. Richard was the vampire guy right. I have tried hard to forget that series. I remember a scene where they were going to have a meeting of were people and the Swanmay prince showed up to hang out with a bunch of werewolves. It devolved into everyone trying to Anita and the prince. God that was stupid. At my wifes request I have read the Kushiel Saga.  At least she told me it was smut to begin with not, like the guy who gave me the ANita Blake novels, pretend it's just a genre novel.
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May 5, 2017 18:57
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Don't read Kushiel.
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May 5, 2017 19:07
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Pick posted:Don't read Kushiel. Too late. We were dating. She could have told me to read a Bill O'Reilly book and I would have.
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May 5, 2017 19:29
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The lady who wrote Kushiel also wrote a couple of books that are almost as shameless of a Lord of the Rings rip-off as Sword of Shannara, but in this version Sauron is the just-misunderstood god of sex and the world is bad because the other gods stabbed him in the dick. Also Frodo is a bushman. It's not the absolute worst piece of Tolkien fan fiction ever, but it may be the worst that ever got printed.
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May 5, 2017 19:50
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Dienes posted:If you know anything about the author it gets REALLY weird. The first 6 or so books were a team effort by Hamilton and her hubby (who was apparently very similar to Richard). Around book 6, the couple divorced and Hamilton started some poly thing with a new guy.....that happens to have the self-insert Micah in the books. As the books go on, you see a ton of clashes between Richard and Micah that always come down to Micah having the bigger dick, being better in bed, being more comfortable with Anita's sexuality, and being strong enough to be submissive to Anita. There was a gap of about 4 books in between those two dudes. Book 6 or whenever it was that Hamilton and her husband divorced was when Richard the werewolf (based on ex-hubby) had a 180 character assassination in the book and when Anita (who looks a loooot like Hamilton) started banging the Jean Claude the vampire master. Micah the wereleopard turned up in book 10 and well despite Hamilton claiming otherwise since it's her new self inset guy, it reads like rape. Hamilton also had another series that was actually just straight up erotica. Many old AB fans were hoping that she would channel all her sex poo poo into the Merry Gentry books and the AB books would be less poo poo, but welp. The Merry Gentry books were...something, the premise was that a special snowflake fairy princess is in a competition with her cousin for the throne and the first person to produce a heir wins. So Merry gets a literal harem of bodyguards to gently caress and they're all pretty motivated as the baby daddy will be crowned king when Merry takes the throne. Eventually Merry gets pregnant with twins. Who's the daddy? All of them! Each twin has three fathers.
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May 5, 2017 20:07
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Did Anne Rice's novels end up being mainly sex stuff? I'm only familiar with her work through stuff adapted from it (Interview With the Vampire) or stuff inspired by it (Forever Knight).
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May 5, 2017 21:55
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mania posted:Each twin has three fathers. Yeah, I saw this episode of X-Files too, and it did not end well
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May 5, 2017 21:56
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Wheat Loaf posted:Did Anne Rice's novels end up being mainly sex stuff? I'm only familiar with her work through stuff adapted from it (Interview With the Vampire) or stuff inspired by it (Forever Knight). Thats the Sleeping Beauty Quartet which while hosed up, isnt as hosed up as other fantasy erotica aimed at women which is impressive.
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May 5, 2017 22:56
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Barudak posted:Thats the Sleeping Beauty Quartet which while hosed up, isnt as hosed up as other fantasy erotica aimed at women which is impressive. Wasn't that the one where she was subjected to more and more humiliating sexual experiences, culminating with having to have sex with... foreigners?!
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May 5, 2017 23:01
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Wheat Loaf posted:Did Anne Rice's novels end up being mainly sex stuff? I'm only familiar with her work through stuff adapted from it (Interview With the Vampire) or stuff inspired by it (Forever Knight). Her latest book in the werewolf series includes a man lovingly explaining for a paragraph how his girlfriend's vagina is so much tighter when she's in werewolf form.
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May 6, 2017 03:03
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Pick posted:Wasn't that the one where she was subjected to more and more humiliating sexual experiences, culminating with having to have sex with... foreigners?! I dont remember the order of the various rapes, pony play, bestiality, and foreigner loving anymore but theyre all in there because if youre gonna write four books might as well go for broke, right? Like the book Shiver where the protagonist is an uncontrollable literal mind-of-a-wolf wolf during certain seasons, murders the protags family, stalks her; then she fucks him cause shes into that.
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May 6, 2017 03:15
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Anita Blake books are like darker, and- did you now it was possible?- worse-written versions of the Sookie Stackhouse novels. And they have something in common, which is a female character who is, like, the queen/most powerful consort/whatever of every weird subculture they encounter in the world. Say what you will about Twilight, but at least Bella never becomes the queen of all the vampires.
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May 6, 2017 05:58
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Fleta Mcgurn posted:Say what you will about Twilight, but at least Bella never becomes the queen of all the vampires. Just wait until Meyer's Scrooge McDuck money pool runs a bit low.
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May 6, 2017 08:46
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Barudak posted:Thats the Sleeping Beauty Quartet which while hosed up, isnt as hosed up as other fantasy erotica aimed at women which is impressive. Isn't there a lot of if not non-consensual then coercive sex? Male and female in all combinations? My knowledge of the Sleeping Beauty "quartet" (my, how pretentious) stems from a game I had with some friends: open one of the books at random and read what you find. From memory, it was almost always a sex scene, with lots of the the main character being humiliated and protesting but, nonetheless, "growing aroused" ...
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May 6, 2017 13:04
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Wheat Loaf posted:Did Anne Rice's novels end up being mainly sex stuff? I'm only familiar with her work through stuff adapted from it (Interview With the Vampire) or stuff inspired by it (Forever Knight). IIRC the vampire stuff didn't have a lot of sex because her vampires are incapable of it.
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May 6, 2017 13:50
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I unironically love all the books in the Kushiel series and I think they're really well written for "porn with plot" books. But the author also has a series that's a pretty blatant rip off of the Anita Blake series called Agent of Hel. I think the hot half-demon paranormal investigator protagonist has to choose between her werewolf and ghoul boyfriends. That's it. That's the entire series.
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May 6, 2017 21:42
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KFC has released a Col. Sanders romance novel for Mother's Day. It's free on Amazon and is called Tender Wings of Desire. Instead of, you know, improving their company. 
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May 6, 2017 22:17
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Runcible Cat posted:Just wait until Meyer's Scrooge McDuck money pool runs a bit low. Nah, Meyer will never go there. But as for Twilight, it's just as excessive but in a very G-rated way. Oh sure, Bella ends up It's kind of funny if you're into old school fandom wank and the sort of behavior that kills careers. Her former fans were pissed she didnt provide an explicit payoff after she danced around in interviews for years. Hell, people didn't expect to go the way of Anita Blake, but at some sort of romance novel schlock. Instead there's a stupid "Edward bit a pillow" and monster babies instead.
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May 6, 2017 22:37
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bean_shadow posted:KFC has released a Col. Sanders romance novel for Mother's Day. It's free on Amazon and is called Tender Wings of Desire. Gonna go back in time and give this to the actual Colonel Have you seen his opinions on what KFC was like before he died? They were amazing he hated it so much
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May 6, 2017 23:01
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The Vosgian Beast posted:Gonna go back in time and give this to the actual Colonel Link please.
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May 6, 2017 23:30
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Conservative kook Ben Shapiro wrote a novel.  Here's Chapo Trap House reading some choice excerpts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYp_6DcUzbU
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May 6, 2017 23:36
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Tunicate posted:Link please. My God, that gravy is horrible. They buy tap water for 15 to 20 cents a thousand gallons and then they mix it with flour and starch and end up with pure wallpaper paste. And I know wallpaper paste, by God, because I've seen my mother make it. ... There's no nutrition in it and they ought not to be allowed to sell it. ... crispy recipe is nothing in the world but a drat fried doughball stuck on some chicken. As late as 1979 Sanders made surprise visits to KFC restaurants, and if the food disappointed him, he denounced it to the franchisee as "God-damned slop" or pushed it onto the floor.
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May 7, 2017 00:17
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drat Interesting has a great article as well.
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May 7, 2017 03:22
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SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL posted:Nah, Meyer will never go there. But as for Twilight, it's just as excessive but in a very G-rated way. Oh sure, Bella ends up You have a point. Either way, it's wish fulfillment for emotionally simple idiots. Also, the best part of that fourth book was when they chew the baby out of her. I think I started laughing out of shock. To be honest, I kind of liked the fourth book. Or, rather, I would have if the final battle had been anything besides stupid perky Alice's stupid vision.
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May 7, 2017 03:45
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