Your Awful Dates

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kalel: Jun 19, 2012

I asked out a high school friend once, she said no, I gave her an embarrassingly long "I hope we can remain friends" spiel out of anxiety

Another time a girl in college I had no interest in gave me her number, she constantly texted me minutiae about her life for the next month or so until she met her future husband

These are my most interesting stories

Rough Lobster posted:

I asked this really cute German foreign exchange student out in high school and she said yes. At the time me, my parents, and my two brothers were sharing a car and it wasn't available that day. I wasn't sure if she had access to one but I asked and she said she could get a ride.

Turns out her ride was this guy who I was SURE was competing for her affections and desperately trying to cock block me. He had always been around her whenever I'd seen her in the past and was very clingy, and they had a lot of the same friends. So I'm not too happy that he showed up but I had to do this weird passive thing with him because I technically owed him. Anyway this dude takes us to the restaurant and his car is all shaking and shuddering and has duct tape holding poo poo on it. We arrive and when I'm thinking of a way to have him awkwardly pick us up later when he makes it clear to the server that he's sticking around for dinner. Me and the girl are on the same page with this and glance at each other, but we can't exactly uninvite the guy.

So dinner is awkward as hell. I'm trying to get to know her and whenever I ask a question this guy jumps in and answers. It's clear he's got feelings for her and is trying to prevent something from happening between us. On the way back to the river where a stroll was to be the next leg of the date his car breaks down. He pops the hood and his coolant tank is vibrating angrily. He reached for it and I yell "no!" and jump valiantly in front of the girl. He tried to unscrew the cap to the tank which predictably explodes in his face, showing him with searing hot coolant (I got some small burns on my arm). So he's all hosed up and writhing in pain and I'm trying to call an ambulance and wash out his eyes with bottled water and she's shrieking in horror so whatever chemistry we had for the night is dead. So the rest of the night is at the hospital with him (he had burns all over his face but they weren't serious). Eventually a friend picks us up and drops is at our respective places.

Anyway miraculously we ended up dating for a few months until she had to leave to return to Germany. The fourth or so time we hung out is was at my buddies place with a couple other people. We watched Orgazmo at 2am and drank beer and she randomly just started sucking me off under a blanket. Like she rather unexpectedly just pulled my dick out and attacked it with her mouth. We were seated in the back of the (pretty large) living room, it was pretty dark and loud due to the movie, but my god, two of my best friends and a one of their girlfriends were in the same drat room. The combination of fear of getting caught and arousal was a potent combination. My friend turned randomly and saw what was going on, and I unloaded in her mouth right as me and him made wide eyed contact. So my first BJ took place like that. My friend has been good enough to never speak of this.

One day out of the blue the car dude IMs me to apologize for his weird behavior trying to sabotage the relationship and that it was all due to these feelings of affection that he couldn't ignore. I told him no hard feelings and that it took big guts to say that. I apologized if I had come off jerkish to him at any point and I figured we were good...until he says that now she's gone, if I ever want to mess around with a guy I should give him a call. Turns out I had completely misread the situation and he had had a thing for ME the whole time.

This entire post is fantastic. 5/5

# ? May 24, 2017 18:42

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 11:01

Machai: Feb 21, 2013

Antivehicular posted:

we went to see Star Wars: Insurrection

Is this one of the prequels?

# ? May 24, 2017 18:54

Flutieflakes017: Feb 16, 2012; only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain

Baronjutter posted:

"How old do you think I am?" she asked. I guessed 27, I could tell she was a bit older than me, but she was in fact in her mid 30's.

She said right then and there that unfortunately the age difference was too much, which was a shame because we were really getting along, but she's still really enjoying my company and hope we can have a nice rest of our dinner. We did, we stayed for another couple hours just chatting away. Oh well, not a bad date just an age misunderstanding.

My shop owner friend really wanted to hear all about my date and when I tell her the age issue she got mad. "drat sneaky asian women!! You can never tell their age!! I'm so sorry!" (she is korean so her cursing ageless asian women was a self-compliment)

But a week later she calls me again, asked if I wanted to hang out. Not a date, just a friends thing. Sure!

This. Except she was 37 and I was 25 and she was from Taiwan not Japan. My confusion was due in part to her being in several classes with me during undergrad. We went on dance makeout dates on and off for about a year before she got a little too crazy and booty called me on x-mas eve only to have me drive her around while she screamed and cried at another party on the phone and then tried to get me to drive her to another city three hours away at 2am.

Flash forward a year and she walks into the Chinese restaurant where I took my mom for mother's day. She takes one look at me, turns on her heel and walks out. Later, sends her date back in alone and makes him order food to go.

Later I come to find out she thought my mom was my new girlfriend and was embarrassed. Confusion and inability to read ages outside of your ethnic group runs both ways.

# ? May 24, 2017 19:06

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

Flutieflakes017 posted:

Later I come to find out she thought my mom was my new girlfriend and was embarrassed. Confusion and inability to read ages outside of your ethnic group runs both ways.

Maybe she just thought you were a milf hunter.

# ? May 24, 2017 19:22

Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

Chomp8645 posted:

Maybe she just thought you were a milf hunter.

Maybe he is.

# ? May 24, 2017 20:36

Machai: Feb 21, 2013

*finishes on her face* BOOM! HEADSHOT!

# ? May 24, 2017 21:02

Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

Machai posted:

*finishes on her face* BOOM! HEADSHOT!

Was the milf hunter before your time? Back when the internet was young.

# ? May 24, 2017 21:03

Machai: Feb 21, 2013

Bombadilillo posted:

Was the milf hunter before your time? Back when the internet was young.

That's not a penis. This is a penis!

# ? May 24, 2017 21:04

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

Bombadilillo posted:

Was the milf hunter before your time? Back when the internet was young.

Wtf... I thought you shot at milfs not hosed em???

What am i going to do with my mantelpiece now

# ? May 24, 2017 21:08

Vargatron: Apr 19, 2008; MRAZZLE DAZZLE

Chomp8645 posted:

Maybe she just thought you were a milf hunter.

Please, I've had enough flashbacks from when I was 16 in this thread...

# ? May 24, 2017 21:13

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

Bombadilillo posted:

Was the milf hunter before your time? Back when the internet was young.

"I'm on a motherfuckin' milf hunt"

# ? May 24, 2017 21:16

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

TOVA TOVA TOVA

No Young Internet Pornography was, like, Sizzle.com, where the big selling point was that if you paid you could download color 320x200 video clips (probably like 10 seconds long). God drat

I also seem to recall them advertising themselves as being "24-Hour" which, like, on one hand you intuitively knew that about the Internet, but on the other it still somehow made it sound seedier. Or maybe it is because I was not actually old enough to legally use it that I thought all of these things.

# ? May 24, 2017 21:27

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

My friend picked up a milf at a lounge of some sort and became her bit on the side. She was married but he didnt give a gently caress. She'd call him over to her big suburban house for random booty calls and he thought the whole thing was kinda cool because there was this risk of being caught and it was only a once or twice a month thing. It was very impersonal, they didn't share details about their lives, it was just loving. Apparently he wasn't the only one though, and the whole cheating on her husband with guys almost half her age thing was part of a bigger problem and she was abusing prescription drugs and drinking like crazy. Her whole life started to unravel and their meetups turned less into sexy encounters and more her crying about her life falling apart so he bailed. She got super weird and started stalking him on facebook and poo poo and showed up at his work one day but then she disappeared and like 6 months later noticed her house was for sale.

I had another friend get involved explicitly casually with an older married lady who also ended up going crazy and saying she just left her husband for him so they can be together forever while he just wanted casual hookups so she went nuts and turned into a stalker.

# ? May 24, 2017 21:48

The_end: May 17, 2014

I thought she wanted to go to a Topless place for some reason. It was actually a Tapas place down the road.

# ? May 24, 2017 22:19

haljordan: Oct 22, 2004; the corpse of god is love.

The_end posted:

I thought she wanted to go to a Topless place for some reason. It was actually a Tapas place down the road.

Million dollar idea: Topless Tapas Restaurant

NO ONE STEAL MY IDEA, I'LL loving KILL YOU

# ? May 24, 2017 22:29

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

haljordan posted:

Million dollar idea: Topless Tapas Restaurant

NO ONE STEAL MY IDEA, I'LL loving KILL YOU

"Tapas 'n Tatas"

You're welcome

# ? May 24, 2017 22:53

Breetai: Nov 6, 2005; 🥄Mah spoon is too big!🍌

1redflag posted:

"Tapas 'n Tatas"

You're welcome

Also, we need a topless Southern-style place called Tits 'n Grits.

Make it happen, America!

# ? May 24, 2017 23:09

treiz01: Jan 2, 2008; There is little that makes me happier than taking drugs. Perhaps administering them, designing and carrying out experiments that bend the plane of what we consider reality.

1redflag posted:

"Tapas 'n Tatas"

You're welcome

Coming soon, just off the Las Vegas strip!

# ? May 24, 2017 23:13

Bonzo: Mar 11, 2004; Just like Mama used to make it!

Breetai posted:

Also, we need a topless Southern-style place called Tits 'n Grits.

Make it happen, America!

Here's the catchphrase you use.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWRB8_Cr3KY

C'mon Goons if Doobie could do it then so can we!

# ? May 24, 2017 23:23

walgreenslatino: Jun 2, 2015; Lipstick Apathy

This thread makes it sound almost as if knowingly wrecking someone else's marriage has a downside

# ? May 24, 2017 23:49

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

TOVA TOVA TOVA

walgreenslatino posted:

This thread makes it sound almost as if knowingly wrecking someone else's marriage has a downside

Yeah, the proper way to do it is to do nothing to wreck their marriage; let them do that themselves! ???

I mainly posted that so I could post:

Baronjutter posted:

Apparently he wasn't the only one though, and the whole cheating on her husband with guys almost half her age thing was part of a bigger problem and she was abusing prescription drugs and drinking like crazy. Her whole life started to unravel and their meetups turned less into sexy encounters and more her crying about her life falling apart so he bailed. She got super weird and started stalking him on facebook and poo poo and showed up at his work one day but then she disappeared and like 6 months later noticed her house was for sale.

My favorite story like this is someone I know who is married but was having a full-blown affair after a few years...with a guy in a relationship...and when that guy would not leave his girlfriend, she started banging other guys and lying to her affair partner about it because he demanded she be "monogamous" with him (monogamy not, obviously, including what she did with her husband).

I am not 100% sure how that all turned out but I gotta say, you need to take a step back and contemplate what it is you are doing if you and your affair partner are both in relationships and you think the concept of monogamy has any bearing on your lives.

# ? May 25, 2017 01:44

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Dr. Quarex posted:

Yeah, the proper way to do it is to do nothing to wreck their marriage; let them do that themselves! ???

I mainly posted that so I could post:

My favorite story like this is someone I know who is married but was having a full-blown affair after a few years...with a guy in a relationship...and when that guy would not leave his girlfriend, she started banging other guys and lying to her affair partner about it because he demanded she be "monogamous" with him (monogamy not, obviously, including what she did with her husband).

I am not 100% sure how that all turned out but I gotta say, you need to take a step back and contemplate what it is you are doing if you and your affair partner are both in relationships and you think the concept of monogamy has any bearing on your lives.

It's called polyfidelity. Look it up! :rolleyes:

# ? May 25, 2017 02:56

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

TOVA TOVA TOVA

Absurd Alhazred posted:

It's called polyfidelity. Look it up!

Well that virtually makes sense compared to what they are doing.

# ? May 25, 2017 03:26

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Dr. Quarex posted:

Well that virtually makes sense compared to what they are doing.

Does it, though? Does it really?

# ? May 25, 2017 03:37

Dave_Indeed: Feb 22, 2004; by FactsAreUseless

Like 10 years ago I got a pof chick to come over for a date but I was already extremely drunk and made her drive me to the bowling alley on league night so we couldn't even bowl... but we ate hotdogs at the bowling alley grill and I invited her to come back to my house to bone thereafter. An offer of which she politely declined and then never spoke to me again.

Your loss whore.

# ? May 25, 2017 03:46

Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

Dave_Indeed posted:

Like 10 years ago I got a pof chick to come over for a date but I was already extremely drunk and made her drive me to the bowling alley on league night so we couldn't even bowl... but we ate hotdogs at the bowling alley grill and I invited her to come back to my house to bone thereafter. An offer of which she politely declined and then never spoke to me again.

Your loss whore.

Drunk hotdogs. She avoided you forever.

The most win win thing I have read on this thread.

# ? May 25, 2017 03:48

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Dave_Indeed posted:

Like 10 years ago I got a pof chick to come over for a date but I was already extremely drunk and made her drive me to the bowling alley on league night so we couldn't even bowl... but we ate hotdogs at the bowling alley grill and I invited her to come back to my house to bone thereafter. An offer of which she politely declined and then never spoke to me again.

Your loss whore.

What's a "pof chick"?

# ? May 25, 2017 03:50

Dave_Indeed: Feb 22, 2004; by FactsAreUseless

plenty of fish dot cum.

# ? May 25, 2017 03:58

Bombadilillo: Feb 28, 2009; The dock really fucks a case or nerfing it.

So average? plenty of her type out there?

I've heard, "buck up champ theres plenty of fish out there"

Not, "I met a plenty of fish chick"

Bombadilillo fucked around with this message at 04:02 on May 25, 2017

# ? May 25, 2017 03:59

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

i browsed plenty of fish once and one woman on there looked like this

# ? May 25, 2017 04:02

Salty Josh: Jul 13, 2016; Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.; Nap Ghost

Fat chicks aren't that bad. I appreciate the fact that they've usually developed decent personalities and make sure you get yours. I mean... it takes a while but at least you still get it.

It's that self sacrifice that I find appealing. I mean... I'm not the best looker out there fellas. Hate so say it, but chubby John Meyer ain't doing it these days.

# ? May 25, 2017 04:03

Dave_Indeed: Feb 22, 2004; by FactsAreUseless

Bombadilillo posted:

So average? plenty of her type out there?

I've heard, "buck up champ theres plenty of fish out there"

Not, "I met a plenty of fish chick"

It's a dating website that was popular 10 years ago. She was a good looking blonde, 7.5-8.

# ? May 25, 2017 04:13

Dave_Indeed: Feb 22, 2004; by FactsAreUseless

Putty posted:

i browsed plenty of fish once and one woman on there looked like this

I bet her profile said if you're jus tlooking for sex don't even message me.

# ? May 25, 2017 04:14

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Bombadilillo posted:

You are allowed to like fatties. But shes not 'considered fat' shes fat. Stop trying to weasel word your way out of you like fatties.

Embrace your kink.

Also, sorry you love fatties but hate the south. The cognitive dissonance must kill you.

Actually it owns.

# ? May 25, 2017 04:14

StupidSexyVaultGuy: Jul 26, 2003

Jastiger posted:

Actually it owns.

No, Alexa Bliss owns.

# ? May 25, 2017 06:44

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

StupidSexyVaultGuy posted:

No, Alexa Bliss owns.

Why not both

# ? May 25, 2017 06:54

Punk da Bundo: Dec 29, 2006; by FactsAreUseless

plenty of fish is the walmart of dating

ive never seen dumber and uglier women

like, 4 kids at 28 poo poo. gently caress that. im sure the men are the equivalent

# ? May 25, 2017 07:00

Machai: Feb 21, 2013

Piss de Bundy posted:

like, 4 kids at 28 poo poo. gently caress that. im sure the men are the equivalent

Depends. Did you make an account?

# ? May 25, 2017 14:21

nigga crab pollock: Mar 26, 2010; by Lowtax

i attract cluster B personality disorders like moths to the flame and i dated a bunch of girls in college that just turned out to be loving awful

there was a girl i had a huge HUGE puppy dog crush on in college who was really awkward and a bit spergy but really good looking and hey no surprise a goon is into that. the entirety of that relationship she would invite me out on dates and then frame them to not be a dates, and do things that you would assume are signs of someone who likes another person but were Definitely Not. i had slept with her multiple times but not the sex kind, the kind that makes you feel like printer goon. actually i think i almost had sex with her once but got interrupted and after that she very conspicuously spent all of her effort on her ex boyfriend she purported to hate

i dont remember the timeline of me starting to not give a poo poo but it took like two years of ignoring her in public for her to stop intermittently texting me and getting really upset that i was clearly blowing her off. she still likes my posts on twitter even though i haven't spoken to her in years and she literally only does things to evoke manipulative emotional reactions out of people

# ? May 25, 2017 15:58

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 11:01

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

She's not really the one who comes off as crazy there

# ? May 25, 2017 16:26

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