Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

loquacius posted:

fast ejac goon

have you considered getting beefy, bitch?

# ? Jun 18, 2017 23:17

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 13:14

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Premature ejaculation dude and his girlfriend should calm down and accept that sex is about so much more than sticking it in. His issue with cumming quickly is not a death sentence. Thinking vaginal sex is solely the most important is a real common trap heterosexual couples fall into. Spend much more time on all kinds of foreplay, including toys. Be creative. Make sure your girl enjoys herself considerably before putting it in her. There's countless extremely enjoyable options before, after, and during the "main act" that will keep it going for both of you. Just keep cool, dude.

Cough Drop The Beat fucked around with this message at 23:29 on Jun 18, 2017

# ? Jun 18, 2017 23:27

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

My non anonymous confession is that y'all should stop calling out obviously fake confessions, because if you keep shaming the English majors then eventually we're just gonna be left with sad brain posts and relationship problems, and at that point we might as well move the thread to E/N

My second non anonymous confession is that I have no soul and give no shits about anyone's problems except my own

# ? Jun 18, 2017 23:32

Altared State: Jan 14, 2006; I think I was born to burn

maskenfreiheit posted:

better yet pee while loving

piss tape is real

I thought that was how sex was done when I was a little kid until I found out what really happens. 😦

# ? Jun 19, 2017 00:15

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Premature ejaculation dude and his girlfriend should calm down and accept that sex is about so much more than sticking it in. His issue with cumming quickly is not a death sentence. Thinking vaginal sex is solely the most important is a real common trap heterosexual couples fall into. Spend much more time on all kinds of foreplay, including toys. Be creative. Make sure your girl enjoys herself considerably before putting it in her. There's countless extremely enjoyable options before, after, and during the "main act" that will keep it going for both of you. Just keep cool, dude.

I'll also say I'm skeptical whether it's helpful at all to tell people they care about the wrong things, but more foreplay is always a fine idea for all involved, so I can't really argue that much. I've heard that being on the receiving end of foreplay (HJ/BJ/whatever you're into) actually helps with premature ejaculation, because being more revved up and "into it" makes you less likely to be stuck in your own head worrying about your performance, even though the conventional wisdom is that any stimulation a guy receives is automatically that much less sex he will be able to have before blowing. It's not as simple as filling up your SEX bar until you reach the NUT mark.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 00:15

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

think of gross stuff to stop the train

# ? Jun 19, 2017 00:28

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Feels like I'm wearing

Nuthin at all
Nuthin at all
Nuthin at all...

# ? Jun 19, 2017 00:33

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

Baseball, cold showers

# ? Jun 19, 2017 00:33

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

# ? Jun 19, 2017 01:17

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My girlfriend has quite a fluffy face, with fine white hairs on her cheeks. It bugs the hell out of me and I can't stop fixating on them. I brought it up a few times (gently) and it ends up upsetting her massively and the conversation shuts down. She has issues with self-esteem so I don't dare push it any further. She says there's nothing she can do about them. 3 seconds with my shaver would sort it out.

I wish she would get rid of them but it's never going to happen.

She probably doesn't want to get into a routine where shaving her face like a dude is just something she has to do every day. I think certain spa treatments handle waxing hair like that (more often it's ladystaches than whiskers); maybe find an excuse to set her up with a spa day?

quote:

Apologies in advance, this is going to be long and maybe rambling because I'm still processing a lot of stuff.

Growing up, my family life was totally normal. My mother and father, my little sister, and me. We lived a normal lower-middle class life free of any major family issues. Yeah, my parents would fight and whatnot, but nothing beyond the norm. The only oddball in the family was our Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank was my dad's brother. He seemed extremely cool to 10 year old me - he had an apartment all to himself, he'd take us to go see movies when we visited with him, he had all kinds of toys and games, and he always spoiled us. He also had what, to a little kid, was an amazing job - he was the night watchman at the natural history museum. As I grew up I found him slightly less cool - he just never really grew up and was basically a high functioning manchild. Around 15 or 16 I passed him in maturity, which was a weird thing for a kid to process. I also realized his job was pretty goddamn awful and most likely the result of some major screw up in life.

But he was still our uncle and close with the family; he'd come to big family functions and give us gifts on our birthdays and whatnot. He also gave me $5000 towards college - as time goes on I realize more and more how much money that was for him and how big a deal that was.

Uncle Frank hung himself my junior year of college. He had just broken up with his on-again off-again girlfriend, he was getting less hours at work, and I think having all that free time was really bad for him. Especially knowing what I know now.

That was 10 years ago. Uncle Frank left a will and willed what little he had to me, my sister, and my parents. Nothing unusual except he wrote each of us a letter, which remained in the hands of his attorney, and would not be given to us until the 10 year anniversary of his death. Which was yesterday.

My parents started acting really strange when it came to the letters, saying that we might not like what was written, that Frank may have written them while in a dark place or maybe even under the influence of something. But a decade is a long time and I think we all kind of forgot about them. The attorney reached out to all of us a few weeks ago and my parents started acting weird again. Saying that maybe it's best to remember Frank as he was and not worry about the letter. Which, admittedly, made me even more curious to read it.

I got the letter yesterday after work and immediately read it. I will skip the non-important things, although they meant a lot to me. Here is the relevant piece for the confession, recreated exactly.

"Andy, you were always my favorite nephew. I always wanted to make sure you had the best life and I hope my brother and his wife gave you that. I hope you never have to sacrifice like I did. I hope you get to love your children as children, instead of having to play Uncle to them. Andy, your parents and I agreed to this but enough time should have passed by the time you read this. I was your birth father. Your mother and I dated before she married my brother. I was a gently caress-up and a loser and knew I couldn't be a good dad. But I loved you so much I let my own brother raise you like a son, and your mother was so much happier and better with him. I do not regret that but I do regret being such a messup that I couldn't be trusted as a Dad. I loved you from the day you were born and never stopped loving you, I hope you are a better man than me."

So my uncle was my real father. My dad was his brother, who married my mom sometime after my birth (I think). Assuming this is all true, of course. Which I think it is. It explains my parents' being worried about the letter, how much Frank cared for me and my sister, why he had so many challenges with "adult" things like relationships and just plain growing up.

I've told my parents I want to meet with them this week; just to figure out where to go from here. I'm guessing their letters are something similar to mine. I don't hate anyone for this, I don't think my feelings have changed for anyone. But I feel so awful for Frank and would like to know more about what happened leading up to my birth. I also don't think I could have been as strong as he was - to admit my faults and watch my child grow up from a distance.

I enjoyed this one

# ? Jun 19, 2017 02:27

VanSandman: Feb 16, 2011; SWAP.AVI EXCHANGER

See even if fake that's the sort of interesting real poo poo that could, implausible though it may be, actually occur.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 02:33

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Bearded girlfriend goon. Don't offer your shaver, but there is other stuff like Nair, and Veet.

Uncle dad goon, if your uncle dad was such a gently caress up, your mom would probably be embarrassed to talk about how he boned her, so don't press the issue.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 02:37

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Herf a derf posted:

My girlfriend has quite a fluffy face, with fine white hairs on her cheeks.

Glue on whiskers, rent her out to people with a catgirl fetish.

Derf a herf posted:

Andy, you were always my favorite nephew.

The fact that this appears on Father's Day makes it a mite suspicious. If it is true, I actually picture Frank having a grudge against his brother and deciding to gently caress him over from beyond the grave.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 02:45

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

To me the most unbelievable part of this story is the mom jumping from one brother to another while either pregnant or single-parenting the goon. Like I know love and hormones can't be controlled but I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle watching my brother raise my kid, and I really doubt I'd ever look at my brothers girlfriend (any of them) and go "yeah that's a good idea, this won't strain my family relationships at all" but I also understand that sometimes in small towns or communities, there are literally only so many people in an age group.

Or for that matter raise my brothers kid while he hangs around playing cool uncle instead of taking responsibility. Like all 3 parents here sound kinda "uhhhhhhhhh"

# ? Jun 19, 2017 02:58

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Bust Rodd posted:

Goon look in the mirror for two minutes every day and making dead sober eye contact with yourself manifest a lead loving singer of an erection (NO HANDS ONLY UR MIND) and say "I AM THE CASANOVA! I AM PETER loving NORTH! I AM SINGER/SONGWRITER AND TANTRIC SEX GOD STING!"

Two minutes
Every
Day

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. IT�S PETER NORTH'S A SLUT IS BORN 17 AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, PETER NORTH. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN GROANING SOUNDS WHEN I POP A BONER OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY WATCHED AN ENTIRE VHS OF PORNOGRAPHY. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE GRUNTS AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

# ? Jun 19, 2017 03:11

Ziv Zulander: Mar 24, 2017; ZZ for short

maskenfreiheit posted:

better yet pee while loving

piss tape is real

Why did the condom leave early?

it got pissed off

# ? Jun 19, 2017 03:56

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

Bust Rodd posted:

To me the most unbelievable part of this story is the mom jumping from one brother to another while either pregnant or single-parenting the goon. Like I know love and hormones can't be controlled but I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle watching my brother raise my kid, and I really doubt I'd ever look at my brothers girlfriend (any of them) and go "yeah that's a good idea, this won't strain my family relationships at all" but I also understand that sometimes in small towns or communities, there are literally only so many people in an age group.

Or for that matter raise my brothers kid while he hangs around playing cool uncle instead of taking responsibility. Like all 3 parents here sound kinda "uhhhhhhhhh"

You know the end of Forest Gump [the movie] and Forest is like 'is he, my son, like.....' and he's gesturing towards himself quietly, and the Doctor is like 'nah your kid is an average kid, not developmentally delayed or disabled.' Sometimes there is a moment of clarity of knowing that you're a loving idiot who'd make a poo poo parent and would let someone else raise your kid because you know you'd do a poo poo job at it.

Or there's some massive amounts of mental health / self esteem thing going on. Probably definitely so with the suicide.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 05:19

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Gynovore posted:

The fact that this appears on Father's Day makes it a mite suspicious. If it is true, I actually picture Frank having a grudge against his brother and deciding to gently caress him over from beyond the grave.

Uh you know that confessions are posted by OP and this was probably just a coincidence that it was posted on father's day right

# ? Jun 19, 2017 12:50

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Yeah, he always says there's a back log, so unless we caught up I doubt it was sent that day. Like the Predators gambler guy was posted a week or two after they had sent it in.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 14:04

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah that one was sent in on the 13th

quote:

I was very nearly busted by Chris Hansen on "To Catch a Predator".

I was 20, had been chatting with what I believed was a 16 year old girl. I won't try to justify it, I was in a bad place at that time and this was just one of many fuckups in a very short period of time. We chatted a lot, I honestly believed I was falling in love with an underage girl and was really conflicted about the whole thing. She started pushing me to meet up and I freaked out and cut off all contact. Some time later I was watching To Catch a Predator and recognized the girl I was talking to.

Every so often I think about this moment and how hosed I would have been if I'd gone to meet her.

quote:

I'm not a good driver. My fiancee and I were driving in rural Pennsylvania this weekend en route to Columbus Ohio. We got off on an exit to get gas and food and I got stuck in 2 roundabouts. I didn't even realize they were a thing, but here were 2 connected roundabouts.

Because traffic was heavy I got really nervous and couldn't figure them out, even with my phone's GPS on. My fiancee started yelling and I started yelling and that didn't help either. We were already low on gas and I ended up running out of gas in the 2nd roundabout, unable to figure out which road led to the gas station. That caused a massive traffic issue and a very unhelpful cop yelled at me while I tried to find a gas can and walk to the gas station.

poo poo man, they make double rotaries, that's hosed-up

this sounds like a nightmare scenario really

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:02

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Just come to Europe fam, 16 is legal basically everywhere

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:03

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

At least you weren't in Europe https://youtu.be/6OGvj7GZSIo

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:07

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Come to think of it I think 16 is legal in most US states too. I heard a lot of people on that show ended up walking even when they were actively perving on a 12-year-old rather than struggling with an attraction to someone over the age of consent. He'd probably have ended up really embarrassed but not in prison.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:08

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

Zzulu posted:

Just come to Europe fam, 16 is legal basically everywhere

But on the other hand there are also rotaries everywhere

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:32

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I'm conflicted on TCAP since at no time is the person actually talking to an actual underage person. While the people featured are definitely up to no good, they sure don't appear to be committing any actual crimes. Everyone involved is pretty much scum.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:33

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Nocheez posted:

I'm conflicted on TCAP since at no time is the person actually talking to an actual underage person. While the people featured are definitely up to no good, they sure don't appear to be committing any actual crimes. Everyone involved is pretty much scum.

No, stop. We don't need to discuss the ethics of trying to gently caress children.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 15:50

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Don't we? Maybe some people were just born with these sorts of inclinations. Maybe some people can't HELP IT.

e: In case it wasn't clear, I'm talking about the inclination to discuss things better left way alone.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 16:16

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

bradzilla posted:

No, stop. We don't need to discuss the ethics of trying to gently caress children.

Have a seat over here.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 16:39

Improbable Lobster: Jan 6, 2012; What is the Matrix 🌐? We just don't know 😎.; Buglord

Nocheez posted:

I'm conflicted on TCAP since at no time is the person actually talking to an actual underage person. While the people featured are definitely up to no good, they sure don't appear to be committing any actual crimes. Everyone involved is pretty much scum.

Similarly, people who try to hire hitmen but are actually talking to cops have done nothing wrong and action should only be taken after someone has been murdered or molested.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:06

tesilential: Nov 22, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

Improbable Lobster posted:

Similarly, people who try to hire hitmen but are actually talking to cops have done nothing wrong and action should only be taken after someone has been murdered or molested.

This but unironically

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:10

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Nocheez posted:

I'm conflicted on TCAP since at no time is the person actually talking to an actual underage person. While the people featured are definitely up to no good, they sure don't appear to be committing any actual crimes. Everyone involved is pretty much scum.

I'm not sure how you can feel bad for them though considering you know for a fact if the kid they were meeting was underage and chris hansen wasn't there, they definitely would commit the crime they came there fully intending to do. Why do you think they are bringing condoms? To do a balloon show for the kid?

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:16

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Hey man, they always say they're just swinging by to check in on them because they're underage and they're worried about them. If you can't trust a 50 year old on the internet sending a 12 year old dick pics, then who can you trust?

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:35

SmokaDustbowl: Feb 12, 2001; by vyelkin; Fun Shoe

it's super hosed up to make a TV show about it

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:38

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

True, but if they made a show about people putting down the minimum dollar amount they'd have to be paid to eat some sort of disgusting live creature and then the person with the lowest bid had to actually do it, I'd watch it. And that's pretty hosed up too.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:40

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Solice Kirsk posted:

True, but if they made a show about people putting down the minimum dollar amount they'd have to be paid to eat some sort of disgusting live creature and then the person with the lowest bid had to actually do it, I'd watch it. And that's pretty hosed up too.

Wasn't this basically Fear Factor?

# ? Jun 19, 2017 17:47

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

limp_cheese posted:

Wasn't this basically Fear Factor?

If by "sea creature" you mean "horse cock"

Also, it's coming back with Luda as host :toot:

# ? Jun 19, 2017 18:51

Police Automaton: Mar 17, 2009; "You are standing in a thread. Someone has made an insightful post."
LOOK AT insightful post
"It's a pretty good post."
HATE post
"I don't understand"
SHIT ON post
"You shit on the post. Why."

Didn't we have a goon in some earlier confession thread who was actually on to catch a predator? I can clearly remember a story like that.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 19:01

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

limp_cheese posted:

Wasn't this basically Fear Factor?

Sort of, but I would call it "Eat Bugs and Other Small Wiggly Stuff on TV."

# ? Jun 19, 2017 19:23

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Police Automaton posted:

Didn't we have a goon in some earlier confession thread who was actually on to catch a predator? I can clearly remember a story like that.

turn on your monitor

# ? Jun 19, 2017 19:52

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 10, 2024 13:14

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

yeah I eat rear end posted:

I'm not sure how you can feel bad for them though considering you know for a fact if the kid they were meeting was underage and chris hansen wasn't there, they definitely would commit the crime they came there fully intending to do. Why do you think they are bringing condoms? To do a balloon show for the kid?

What part of my post said I felt bad for them? I said it doesn't appear that an actual crime was committed and everyone involved seems scummy.

# ? Jun 19, 2017 20:46

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›572 »