Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

syscall girl posted:

Word

But do you think considering all of the above he will keep his own sense of identity and values?

Maybe, maybe not. I'm not going to treat or think of him as a bad cop/CO until he either does something indefensible or defends something indefensible that another cop/CO did. I do believe there are cops that go through their whole career without having to do either of those things.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:17

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# ? May 11, 2024 06:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

syscall girl posted:

CO's trying to work their way into the force are just adorable

The equivalent of this in my industry is "QA testers trying to work their way into dev"

I once held a job where my title was "QA Engineer" and it's uncanny how my perceived status among basically everyone else in existence plummeted with that poo poo on my resume

quote:

Several weeks ago during a drunken weekend my best friend and I double teamed a girl we just met.

It was not worth it. We both had a bit of whiskey dick, she was a rough looking woman who I think kind of took advantage of our age and inexperience, and here's the big thing - my friend and I haven't talked since.

During the whole thing, in a moment of passion (I'm not gay and neither is my friend) the woman we were with asked us to start fooling around with each other. Since, in her words, it got her really hot. We obliged but I think we both regretted it immediately. It was just some touching and caressing and kissing, nothing gay, more like we were modelling for her I guess. There was no penetration or anything of that nature. No actual homosexual love acts, just 2 guys holding each other and kissing and a little bit of stroking and teasing. Things seemed okay once the woman got involved again and we both were able to get off.

But after the night passed we didn't talk, and the next day my friend just left my apartment without saying a word. We've barely texted since and it is beginning to feel like we screwed up having that threesome. We have been friend since college and, again, neither of us is gay or has expressed any gay feelings, unless my friend was deeply hiding them from me, which I doubt.

I dunno how drunk I'd have to be to do stuff I'm not comfortable with for the amusement of someone I don't actually find attractive

One of my old college roommates got propositioned by a drunk girl at a party to double-team her with one of our friends, and he wasn't into it but the friend was. That was kinda weird but we got some p good jokes out of it

quote:

Once when I was little, I got naked, covered myself in Vasoline and then proceeded to run around my house. My mom kept trying to catch me but I just kept slipping away and laughing wildly. 🏃 🏃 🐸

I guess you can connect your sexual likes back to what happened during your childhood. That's really bizarre.

this was adorable until the second paragraph and now I just find myself wondering what the hell fetish this turned into

# ? Jun 23, 2017 17:57

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

loquacius posted:

this was adorable until the second paragraph and now I just find myself wondering what the hell fetish this turned into

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERYfyHUQEiQ&t=16s

Probably this but with humans. As far as fetishes go it's probably not that weird.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:03

poorlifedecision: Feb 13, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

loquacius posted:

this was adorable until the second paragraph and now I just find myself wondering what the hell fetish this turned into

My newest one.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:05

KomodoWagon: May 10, 2013; by R. Guyovich

no gay stuff, just two dudes kissing

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:06

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Also I once turned down a threesome like that with my neighbor. Part of it was just not wanting to see him like that, but more importantly I had a maplestory raid to get to.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:08

Neutrino: Mar 8, 2006; Fallen Rib

loquacius posted:

this was adorable until the second paragraph and now I just find myself wondering what the hell fetish this turned into

Hey mom. Can you come over tonight? I've got a new tub of vaseline!

# ? Jun 23, 2017 18:50

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

KomodoWagon posted:

no gay stuff, just two dudes kissing

Just two dudes kissing, caressing, and touching each other's dicks, no homo. It's only gay if there's penetration

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:00

Mad Hamish: Jun 15, 2008; WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING IN LIFE.

Best friend threesome goon just needs to realize that he should be living his life according to the Teaches of Peaches.

There's two guys for every girl, bro.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:01

Theotus: Nov 8, 2014

Sounds like their crystals weren't aligned properly.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:12

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

KomodoWagon posted:

You guys think having cops in your life is bad, imagine having a goddamn CO in your family

Every CO I know is a piece of poo poo. They all are juice heads and coke fiends. Welp, thanks for listening.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:18

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

RCarr posted:

Every CO I know is a piece of poo poo. They all are juice heads and coke fiends. Welp, thanks for listening.

I only knew one, but that was one too many. Dude pulled out 3 different large rifles while I was hanging out at his apartment (I was friends with his roommate), talking about nothing to do with guns.

I can only imagine how this guy acted at work.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:23

OhAreThey: Oct 12, 2012; I like your nurse's uniform, guy.

Mad Hamish posted:

Best friend threesome goon just needs to realize that he should be living his life according to the Teaches of Peaches.

There's two guys for every girl, bro.

Just remember an rear end is an rear end
So roll over have yourself a blast

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:40

Not a Children: Oct 9, 2012; Don't need a holster if you never stop shooting.

Nocheez posted:

I only knew one, but that was one too many. Dude pulled out 3 different large rifles while I was hanging out at his apartment (I was friends with his roommate), talking about nothing to do with guns.

I can only imagine how this guy acted at work.

He was tryin' real hard to get you to ask about his guns

Just be thankful he didn't force the issue further

# ? Jun 23, 2017 19:51

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

KomodoWagon posted:

no gay stuff, just two dudes kissing

Just, you know, like they were modelling or something.

# ? Jun 23, 2017 22:39

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I was adopted.

I never really fit in with my family I've always been too big too clumsy. And of course my 'brothers' knew that and made my life a living hell. I love my parents but they didn't know how to deal with.

I basically ran away from home trying to find a place to fit in but every where was either too dangerous, too closeminded (oh yeah you can stay but do not even think about dating or trying to make friends.

One winter I basically fell into a deep pit of depression, though I did manage to find a dull night shift manual labor job, I was still basically alone, hell I didn't even see myself in a mirror for months let alone another person.

Well the job finished and I though about ending it all, I was even standing by a lake debating ending it all when a couple of guys in running clothes came up to me and we go to talking and apparently with how much I had changed out over the winter I apparently looked just like their rich boss. I know it sounds far fetched but at that point I was literally on the edge and willing to grasp at any hold I had I was lucky it wasn't a cult. To be honest I was hoping it was going to be some sort of scam and they were going to kill me.

But anyway apparently my birth mother had ran away (runs in the family I guess) not long after I was born (more because I was born) and put me up for adoption. The shock of his only daughter running away dealt my Grandfather a massive blow and apparently he instructed all his fortune to be spent finding his grandchild and bringing them home.

So I've gone from an ugly clumsy mistake of a child to flying around the world in the great white wings of my own personal jet.

quote:

My grandfather died today. He was almost 100 years old. He served in World War II, and saw a lot of terrible things. One story he told me was about someone in his platoon who saved everyone's lives when he stuck a live grenade into a hole in a wall when it had landed nearby. That man lost his arm right then and there and I think later died from his injuries, but everyone else was saved. And I can't ask my grandfather about it now, but to be fair, I haven't been able to ask him for years.

Back in 2001, when my aunt (his daughter) came by his house to pick up her daughter (my cousin) who was maybe 10 at the time and was being babysat, she found them down in the basement, his hand down her pants. When my dad found out, he was, I'm told, filled with rage and utter hatred for his father. He has always had resentment for both of his parents, because my grandmother was a literally-crazy war bride, and my grandfather was functional but still messed up from the war, and I think my dad hated growing up in that house, and from what I know of that time, I don't blame him. My dad, at one point after learning about what my grandfather did, told my mom "I wish they were both loving dead". He got his wish about a year or so later with my grandmother, and finally today with my grandfather. But there's more. I'm sorry if this is coming across like a stream of consciousness, I'm still processing everything.

Apparently, my ten year old cousin wasn't the only victim. My other older female cousins had this happen to them, they admitted when this all came to light. And their mothers (my grandfather's daughters) also were abused. It was all just one big, terrible, ugly and horrible mess. My mom told me and my sisters right away, despite my dad not wanting us to know. In his defense, he abhors his father and his behaviour, and has never even laid a finger on us. I guess he though that us being young, we'd tell someone, word would get out, and our entire family (who do not have a very common last name, and are well-known around the city) would be treated differently, worse, ostracized because of our monster of a patriarch. I can understand that, I really can. My dad, a loving, church-going goofball who always provided for us so we were never left wanting, let life go on. He didn't forget, but it really was a sort of "wait it out, he'll die someday, until then, I'll help him with groceries, moving into a retirement home, I'll keep up appearances" situation. He would bring my grandfather to the mall or store every week, or help bring him to various doctor appointments. I say 'help', because my aunts, the same aunts who suffered at the hands of this man, would also take turns doing the same, keeping the status quo, waiting for all of this mess to be buried with their father. They waited 17 years.

My mom admitted to my dad that she had told my sisters, but my mom, for whatever reason, said she hadn't told me. It wasn't until a few years ago when I came clean and told my dad I knew. I said that I had overheard mom talking and never told anyone I knew anything. I just played along.

I asked my dad if anyone thought anything had happened to me or my sisters that we might not be able to remember, but it didn't look as if anything had. My dad hinted at some really hosed up behaviour of his grandparents, aunts and uncles, from way back, and how he's always been trying to get all of us away from that. He said that the reason he doesn't think anything happened to us is because my grandfather had a pattern, as sick as it was; only girls, and only from his daughters. He didn't tell me how he knew, but I'm thinking my grandfather might've confessed to him. Since we were children of my dad (his son), we were apparently never at risk.

I told him not only do I hate my grandfather for what he's done, but I hate that any positive memory I might've had of spending time there, of all of those birthday parties, vacations, recitals, school plays... They're all ruined if they involved my grandfather. But speaking of memories, lately, over the past 6 months or so, I've been wrestling with two things, and before you say it, yes, I likely have to talk to someone. I know. I'm not sure how I'd afford that, but I know it's needed.

The first thing is that I continually have flashbacks to their house, and very vague but strongly nostalgic feelings towards it. I remember how my British grandmother would bring in tea for my parents, and all these little cakes for the kids, I remember the toys they had in their closet. I remember how excited I was when we'd be there and my cousins would show up for a visit, too, and we'd all play together.

Little, day to day things trigger my memory, and I know my mind is dancing around something I can't bring back up. Like when you hear music and try for the rest of the day to place where you know it from. I'm not saying it'll be a bad memory, but I do know that whenever I see those big wash basins people have, I'm immediately reminded of my grandparents' basement.

The second thing is that, for as long as I can remember, I've had a molestation fetish. Not to ever do it to someone else, but for it to happen to me. I don't know when it started, maybe it was from that scene in Ghostbusters, a movie I've watched over and over since I was 4. But maybe it's something else, much worse. My sisters and I have, on a handful of occasions, stayed the night at my grandparents' house, but I would have been very young, younger than 8. I'm not saying that I have this fetish to be felt up and molested because something happened to me, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that's the memory that's going to randomly spring back into my head one day and likely take me down at that very moment, in tears.

Again, I don't have the slightest desire to enact that sort of thing to anyone else, not my wife, not my child; the very thought of that sickens me. I know it's common that the abused become the abuser, so that's another reason why I don't think anything actually happened with me.

So he's dead now and despite what my dad has said and felt, it's been a difficult day for him, and I feel bad.

That's all I have to say about that.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 02:39

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

tldr

# ? Jun 24, 2017 04:50

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

Scheherazade posted:

So I've gone from an ugly clumsy mistake of a child to flying around the world in the great white wings of my own personal jet.

And another fesher flies too close to the sun.

Venkman posted:

The second thing is that, for as long as I can remember, I've had a molestation fetish. Not to ever do it to someone else, but for it to happen to me. I don't know when it started, maybe it was from that scene in Ghostbusters, a movie I've watched over and over since I was 4.

Uhhh wait what? Granted it's been a long time since I saw the original Ghostbusters, but I don't seem to recall any :pedo:

# ? Jun 24, 2017 06:12

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

So I've gone from an ugly clumsy mistake of a child to flying around the world in the great white wings of my own personal jet.

All the money in the world won't change that you are an ugly clumsy mistake.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 11:12

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

loquacius posted:

rich dad

Wasn't this the plot to a movie starring that home alone kid?

# ? Jun 24, 2017 11:52

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Danaru posted:

Wasn't this the plot to a movie starring that home alone kid?

Party Monster?

# ? Jun 24, 2017 13:32

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

I think he updated the Boxcar Children.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 13:38

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

threesome goon, it weird because you forgot to say "no homo" afterwards

classic mistake

# ? Jun 24, 2017 14:09

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

It's only gay if you made eye contact.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 14:14

Fartbox: Apr 27, 2017; What's happening? Dri fu an only two? what is this?
Is this an avatar? I don't know rm dunk

If you kiss and stroke and "tease" your mate, you are at least 50% full gay and may yet go 100% full gay soon

# ? Jun 24, 2017 14:58

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Tiberius Thyben posted:

I loving love/hate the "bad apple" argument. Let me tell you a story from here about the starlight tours. So, since the 1960s at least the cops here had been detaining people, driving them out into the middle of nowhere, and dumping them to walk back to the city. This became known as the starlight tours.

I don't live in the Great White North, and it sounds like what they did was bad. That said, I can't help but think that a Starlight Tour, when conditions are not life threatening, is the perfect way to deal with what would otherwise be charged as a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 15:18

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

Solice Kirsk posted:

It's only gay if you made eye contact.

It's gay as gently caress. Threesome goon should just embrace it, rather like he embraced his friend's dick.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 15:32

Runaktla: Feb 21, 2007; by Hand Knit

To the cop goon...

I think you make good points and all the whiny retards that criticized you are dumb.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 18:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Last weekend me and my girlfriend were doing drugs as usual. The kind you put up your nose with a straw. She had another lady friend over who stayed the whole weekend. My confession is that i was secretly mixing in small bits of crystal meth into each line we did. They were so hosed and had no idea why. None of us slept for about three days.

I don't really get why you would do this

quote:

About once a month, I have to travel 4 hours for a big presentation for my job.

I meet up with the heads of a bunch of different departments, we get a box lunch delivered, and then we all give updates on our work groups. Last time I did this my stomach was gurgling on the drive in, but I didn't think much of it. I stopped at a Tim Horton's for breakfast and had an Ice Cap and a donut. That seemed to calm my stomach and I felt pretty good.

I get to the meeting a bit early and, thinking I have to fart, squeeze one out. I poo poo my pants. Not just a little poo poo, I'm talking a pretty massive load of brown liquid. At this point I'm mortified, but realize I have about 45 minutes until the meeting starts.

I text my boss "Huge traffic backup, I think I might be half an hour late" then book it into the nearby town. I stop at a gas station and clean myself off as best I can, then find a Walmart and buy a cheap pair of undies and pants. Buy them and then go change in my car, then drive back to the meeting. I made it with 10 minutes to spare and my boss is like "Nice job making up the time from that traffic!". Nobody knew I poo poo my pants. We eat our box lunches and my stomach starts tossing and turning again, and I get that "gonna poo poo my pants" sweat. I excuse myself and run to the bathroom, but it's too late. I poo poo my pants in the hallway and it's even worse. I have poo running down my leg and onto my shoes and the floor. Some woman walks by and says "OH MY GOD" and suddenly I'm the #1 attraction in that office - the man who poo poo his pants.

I was loving mortified and my boss ended up sending me home without presenting anything.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 18:15

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Only a goon could manage to fit two pants-shittings into one day.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 18:28

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

the lesson there is that if you poo poo your pants once you buy immodium j

# ? Jun 24, 2017 18:38

Weaponized Autism: Mar 26, 2006; All aboard the Gravy train!; Hair Elf

I remember a GBS when goons would proudly post their pants-making GBS threads stories, now we've just resorted to posting anonymously.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 18:48

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

Tailored Sauce posted:

I remember a GBS when goons would proudly post their pants-making GBS threads stories, now we've just resorted to posting anonymously.

Hakan?

Hakan was awesome.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 19:22

Leave: Feb 7, 2012; Taking the term "Koopaling" to a whole new level since 2016.

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

Hakan?

Hakan was awesome.

With all that oil, something is bound to leak out.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 19:40

PostNouveau: Sep 3, 2011; VY till I die; Grimey Drawer

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Only a goon could manage to fit two pants-shittings into one day.

At Something Awful, we poo poo more pants by 9 a.m. than most people do all day.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 19:45

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

loquacius posted:

I don't really get why you would do this

Well were you mixing it with coke or heroin

# ? Jun 24, 2017 20:54

Tiberius Thyben: Feb 7, 2013; Gone Phishing

Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:

I don't live in the Great White North, and it sounds like what they did was bad. That said, I can't help but think that a Starlight Tour, when conditions are not life threatening, is the perfect way to deal with what would otherwise be charged as a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor.

Kidnapping and dumping people in the middle of nowhere is... good?!

# ? Jun 24, 2017 21:05

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Runaktla posted:

To the cop goon...

I think you make good points and all the whiny retards that criticized you are dumb.

Guy that only posts in gbs but never this thread until now. You're the copgoon aren't you? :allears:

Sorry about your racism and misogyny.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 21:27

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

Tiberius Thyben posted:

Kidnapping and dumping people in the middle of nowhere is... good?!

Only if they're drunk. If they die then that's a fair punishment.

# ? Jun 24, 2017 22:18

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# ? May 11, 2024 06:29

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

bradzilla posted:

Guy that only posts in gbs but never this thread until now. You're the copgoon aren't you? Sorry about your racism and misogyny.

the cop goon was obviously citycop

# ? Jun 24, 2017 22:24

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