Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Indolent Bastard: Oct 26, 2007; I WON THIS AMAZING AVATAR! I'M A WINNER! WOOOOO!

vortmax posted:

~~Hairy rear end dude~~, Anyone that wants a sparkling clean rear end in a top hat, you need a bidet attachment. It's the only civilized way to go.

Get the dual nozzle model; chicks dig it. Heated option not essential, but may be preferred by some.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 20:05

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# ? May 10, 2024 04:57

The Dipshit: Dec 21, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

Bibliotechno Music posted:

what

Probably palate repair from whatever beat the poo poo out of his face. Gunshot wound? Explosive?

Like I'm guessing his face got royally hosed up, he mentioned upthread that he lost his eye somehow.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 20:08

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

I too, hate dogs

# ? Jul 11, 2017 20:13

I Brake For MILFs: Jan 9, 2007

Yea, I remember someone talking about getting a skin graft from parts of their body that grow hair and it doesn't really stop growing hair even if it's in your mouth.

I would get that laser hair removal like instantly if I had hair growing out of my mouth.

I am bald and I'm thankful that I can grow a decent beard, I would look like a pink thumb if I didn't have something to break my facial lines.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 22:05

curufinor: Apr 4, 2016; by Smythe

hey, anon confessions at top of r/askreddit, that hive of scum and repeated questions

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6mo33j/reddit_its_time_to_go_throwaway_shopping_what_is/

# ? Jul 11, 2017 22:13

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Triangle Shirt Factotum posted:

Probably palate repair from whatever beat the poo poo out of his face. Gunshot wound? Explosive?

Like I'm guessing his face got royally hosed up, he mentioned upthread that he lost his eye somehow.

Yup.

I Brake For MILFs posted:

Yea, I remember someone talking about getting a skin graft from parts of their body that grow hair and it doesn't really stop growing hair even if it's in your mouth.

I would get that laser hair removal like instantly if I had hair growing out of my mouth.

It was probably me that said that. Laser hair removal would have been nice but I couldn't open my mouth wide enough for the laser. Instead they stuck a small needle in the pores and burned the hair follicles with electricity. Hurt like hell.

# ? Jul 11, 2017 23:29

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

limp_cheese posted:

Yup.

It was probably me that said that. Laser hair removal would have been nice but I couldn't open my mouth wide enough for the laser. Instead they stuck a small needle in the pores and burned the hair follicles with electricity. Hurt like hell.

did you at least get a sweet eyepatch out of the deal? :smithfrog:

# ? Jul 11, 2017 23:52

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

sneakyfrog posted:

did you at least get a sweet eyepatch out of the deal?

I'm working on that now. Its a lot harder to get a good eye patch that fits right than I thought.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 00:25

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

limp_cheese posted:

I'm working on that now. Its a lot harder to get a good eye patch that fits right than I thought.

you should get a :krad:

one. sorry bout the eye

# ? Jul 12, 2017 00:30

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

limp_cheese posted:

I'm working on that now. Its a lot harder to get a good eye patch that fits right than I thought.

I gotta admit. I was a little upset when you declared yourself Captain of the Sky Pirate fleet, but now I'm totally ok with it.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 00:49

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Solice Kirsk posted:

I gotta admit. I was a little upset when you declared yourself Captain of the Sky Pirate fleet, but now I'm totally ok with it.

well how the hell is he going to see below deck???

# ? Jul 12, 2017 01:06

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

I already explained this you goddamn scallywags.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 01:36

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

limp_cheese posted:

I'm working on that now. Its a lot harder to get a good eye patch that fits right than I thought.

If you don't get this eyepatch, no cap'n of mine ye'll be.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 01:36

Zil: Jun 4, 2011; Satanically Summoned Citrus

RFC2324 posted:

If you don't get this eyepatch, no cap'n of mine ye'll be.

Wrong, the classic black eyepatch is better.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 01:54

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Ya'll broke jokes ain't got the balls to get a Fly-Patch^TM!

# ? Jul 12, 2017 03:03

potee: Jul 23, 2007; Or, you know.

Not fine.

Zil posted:

Wrong, the classic black eyepatch is better.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 03:05

syscall girl: Nov 7, 2009; by FactsAreUseless; Fun Shoe

Solice Kirsk posted:

Ya'll broke jokes ain't got the balls to get a Fly-Patch^TM!

How do you do fellow kids?
/

# ? Jul 12, 2017 03:17

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

I originally wanted something like this:

but figuring out how the straps work is a bitch. Physics is a cruel mistress.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 03:21

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Sorry for the feshless afternoon, I was in cat jail

quote:

Job was through a university, collecting and replacing various sample boxes largely in the middle of nowhere were undergrads were too precious for insurance. It was easy, lonely work that suited me and was on my third season when he started: I don't know how the gently caress a specimen of a man like that manages to exist in the 21st century but he was aggressively racist and prone to overly wordy lectures about species and miscegenation. There wasn't much cause for me to talk to him so I managed to avoid him but anyone with cause to interact with him about what areas were up to date e.t.c quickly developed a bitter hatred and it became a regular subject of friction with one guy in particular, "Mike", who by the nazi's standards would be a race traitor and communist traitor.

HR stuff when you are mainly out hiking around to the call of a GPS but before much smartphones was mainly by sms, but we were in the pub when we all got the same one, informing us that there was a complaint against us for cutting the fat nazi out. We had, obviously, but we had done so by simply not interacting- there wasn't much of a social life to it, we met twice a week at the pub in a semi-work condoned meeting to co-ordinate stuff- he just chose not to show. We kind of appreciated it at the time, and hoped it would speed up his exit- the people that did have to work with him just needed numbers and they got them with as little interaction as they could.

The next job took me away from events. It was some spots in a national park and far enough away I did an overnighter mainly because I could, it was august and warm enough to do on very little kit. I had finished my boxes on the first day, and on the second day I hiked back. It was just after I got stoned (again, great job till all this) and ate lunch that I needed to take a poo poo, and after I buried it I was sat in the bushes for a good 20 minutes just being stoned when I hear someone distantly rushing through the woods. I stay sat and keep listening and after awhile I see Mike hauling through the woods, no kit, no care. I worked with the guy for two seasons and knew him well enough to like but something about him not having kit and the careless way he was hauling made me duck down and hide rather than call to him. He got within about a hundred metres of me, and to this day I swear he was muttering something as he went. I was a bit weirded out but put much of the feeling down to weed paranoia at the time and went back to the village after making sure he was distant.

The nazi found out that Mike was a race traitor. It's possible that someone in the group was stirring up poo poo and told him, but I doubt it. No idea how he found out. There was an argument/confrontation between them the night I was away that a local broke up, so I talked with the landlord of the pub, who used to be warm and friendly but was suddenly cold and distant, and when I asked about what happened, started asking when we were all leaving. I found out about the argument from the one colleague who was still around- the other three had all gone- I don't know where, un-announced fieldwork wasn't unknown but all 3 felt off. The one that stuck around was closest to Mike, and she seemed deeply upset but wouldn't talk about it other than to mention the nazi had seemed to know so much about Mike's family life.

She bailed. Didn't announce, she made an excuse to go to her room, and 10 minutes later I saw her bundling out of the hotel doors bags in hand. I didn't tell her about seeing Mike and I don't know to this day if I would or should have but I never got much chance. I paid up and got out, quit the job by answerphone message and got lost for awhile, trying to blot out the whole chapter by travelling around to friends. After a month or two the money got too low and I went back home, I was leaving the house a few day's after returning and I run into 3 suited guys who (too) quickly flap badges at me and declare they are police looking into a disappearance of the nazi, and they kept showing me Mike's picture. They have a bunch of personnel files. All in my face, surrounding me at the front door. I told them I had quit the job, and they kept asking about if I knew where Mike was, and where the colleague that was close to Mike was, like I was lying. The photos were like they had been pulled from a family album. The personnel files were from a grubby, well thumbed envelope. Eventually they quit asking but said they would make enquiries and come back.

I got lucky and got offered a few months in catalonia, doing similar work but paid entirely under the table. Spent over a year there in the end. My dad said they turned up again twice after I left. I can't find any of the people I used to work with there on facebook or linkedin or anywhere. I'm not on there either. In dreams I hear Mike muttering sometimes, I don't wake up and I never quite hear what he says but I can't stop listening.

Kind of hard to get through but seemed to involve a nazi being murdered???

quote:

I guess this is less of a confession as it is a public service warning:

Do not use toothpaste to jack off

Do not use shampoo as lube

And finally, do not set your bed on fire in an attempt to cover up a large cum stain.

Thought this was earnest until the last one

man you would have to be embarrassed about jerking off to start a fire over it

# ? Jul 12, 2017 03:29

Putty: Mar 21, 2013; HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

limp_cheese posted:

I'm working on that now. Its a lot harder to get a good eye patch that fits right than I thought.

I didn't think anyone was serious when saying that. Please don't get an eyepatch.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 04:14

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Putty posted:

I didn't think anyone was serious when saying that. Please don't get an eyepatch.

He's missing an eye. It's basically the only valid reason to get an eye patch.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 05:03

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Solice Kirsk posted:

He's missing an eye. It's basically the only valid reason to get an eye patch.

And the reason to be jealous of one eyed men.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 05:58

i!ii!!iii!!!ii!!i!: Jan 5, 2011; Cool avs beyond this door.

Wait, was the implication that Mike killed the Nazi and the terrible narrator had to flee due to witnessing it?

# ? Jul 12, 2017 06:16

Rupert Buttermilk: Apr 15, 2007; 🚣RowboatMan: ❄️Freezing time🕰️ is an old P.I. 🥧trick...

loquacius posted:

<nazi story or something>

Kind of hard to get through but seemed to involve a nazi being murdered???

Christ, this was poorly written. Like, goddamn, man, do you talk like this? :psyduck:

# ? Jul 12, 2017 06:56

curufinor: Apr 4, 2016; by Smythe

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

Christ, this was poorly written. Like, goddamn, man, do you talk like this?

nonnative english speaker?

# ? Jul 12, 2017 07:27

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

Holy poo poo that first confession is hard to read. Whoever wrote that should be ashamed.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 07:49

Runaktla: Feb 21, 2007; by Hand Knit

Solice Kirsk posted:

He's missing an eye. It's basically the only valid reason to get an eye patch.

My left eyelid doesn't close because of nerve damage due to cancer surgery near my left temple. Eye dries out. There's one more valid reason for an eye patch.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 08:08

Doctor Malaver: May 23, 2007; Ce qui s'est pass� t'a rendu plus fort

limp_cheese posted:

I originally wanted something like this:

but figuring out how the straps work is a bitch. Physics is a cruel mistress.

Then at least get the mullet.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 09:55

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

Nazi vanished so what I guess?

yeah that was abysmally written though.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 12:04

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

limp_cheese posted:

I originally wanted something like this:

but figuring out how the straps work is a bitch. Physics is a cruel mistress.

punished limp_cheese... a man denied his eye patch

# ? Jul 12, 2017 12:23

sandoz: Jan 29, 2009

quote:

I've actually broken down crying one night where I had so much to say but I lost my place to say it.

as a white male I will literally cry unless I am heard

# ? Jul 12, 2017 13:09

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

limp_cheese?

# ? Jul 12, 2017 13:59

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

gross

# ? Jul 12, 2017 14:14

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My dad's friend was always a raging dickbag, always when I was growing up he would be at work functions all loud and drunk and untouchable. He knew he was untouchable, his dad was the founder. My dad had to like him and put up with his poo poo even though it drove mom crazy.

When I was 17 I started doing work for the company at weekends, as did my sister, who had just hit 16. I did some data entry and other menial IT work and she was on reception back-end. Maybe 2 weeks in I pass his office and he had my sister in front of the desk and he was straight up leering at her- I didn't hear what but his tone was really loving creepy and my sister ran out crying- didn't see me and I was too shocked to intervene.

I stewed on it for too long over the next week to the point of obsession. For whatever reason I couldn't let my sister know that I knew, like it would embarrass her, but I had to do something. So I looked up a bunch of horrific images. It was scary how easy it was mid 2000's to find. Hid them on a cd ripped for mp3s in my walkman, and waited till late on saturday, snuck into his office and hid it all around his personal PC, along with a really tame ad-ware package.

Monday comes and goes without incident and tuesday and wednesday too, and I'm starting to think it didn't work, then I come home from school on the thursday and my parents are sat at the dining room table and they ask me gravely to sit down. Raging dickbag boss had been found to have "illegal pictures" by tech support looking at the malware, had fled the workplace before the cops got there and had shot himself dead in front of his wife. Months later it was discovered he was also skimming money, the wife disappeared with what she could of it, got pinned with suspicion of planting the sick images and the suicide verdict was overturned.

It was a month or so after the cp stuff was posthumously cleared that my parents took me aside again, and explained that they had actually gotten together when I was a few months old. My biological father was the boss. They hadn't been planning on telling me before his death. They had to tell me now, as I was sole beneficiary of what funds couldn't be proven as stolen. His wife had shown up dead in a cheap mexican resort.

drat

quote:

I have a lot of bad thoughts rumbling around in my head. Violent, sexual thoughts. I'm scared to bring it up to my therapist. I have an intense fear of being labelled a pedophile or some other vulgar thing. I just want to make it clear, these thoughts terrify me and torment me. I do not want to do the things I think about, at least I don't think I want to. I just can't tell anyone about these things.

I don't know what I even want to get from this.

Intrusive thoughts are associated with a whole bunch of mental disorders (OCD, ADHD, body dysmorphia, you name it). You should tell your therapist because they are very relevant. Your therapist is a professional and will know they don't make you a pedophile or whatever.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:12

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Jose posted:

limp_cheese?

So I was hanging out with my yoga teacher talking about my terrible luck with women. He brings up that telling my story to women is loving depressing and kills the mood. I tell him that between all the facial scars and that every question about what I do leads back to it so I don't have much of a choice, but I agree with him. This is what he tells me to tell a woman when she asks.

Alright, so you tell her years ago you were dating a girl that was missing a leg. She had one of those carbon fiber fake legs. So one night you were going down on her. While you were down there you accidently slid a finger in her butt or you get her off enough that she spasms, you know? You hit that button and she spasms. She kicks you in the face with her carbon fiber leg and BAM, you lost your eye. It sounds like bullshit and it is. She knows it's bullshit but she'll spend the rest of the night wondering. At that point you're in. Trust me brother, it's what I would do.

I told him he was full of poo poo and that was one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:16

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah I dunno if "skeezy story that is an obvious lie" is the best way into the average woman's heart or pants

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:27

Indolent Bastard: Oct 26, 2007; I WON THIS AMAZING AVATAR! I'M A WINNER! WOOOOO!

limp_cheese posted:

So I was hanging out with my yoga teacher talking about my terrible luck with women. He brings up that telling my story to women is loving depressing and kills the mood. I tell him that between all the facial scars and that every question about what I do leads back to it so I don't have much of a choice, but I agree with him. This is what he tells me to tell a woman when she asks.

Alright, so you tell her years ago you were dating a girl that was missing a leg. She had one of those carbon fiber fake legs. So one night you were going down on her. While you were down there you accidently slid a finger in her butt or you get her off enough that she spasms, you know? You hit that button and she spasms. She kicks you in the face with her carbon fiber leg and BAM, you lost your eye. It sounds like bullshit and it is. She knows it's bullshit but she'll spend the rest of the night wondering. At that point you're in. Trust me brother, it's what I would do.

I told him he was full of poo poo and that was one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

What's the real story?

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:28

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Indolent Bastard posted:

What's the real story?

If you have archives read this. It has more details and a few old pictures of me, eventually.

Short story is a sniper shot me in the head in Iraq.

Edit:

loquacius posted:

Yeah I dunno if "skeezy story that is an obvious lie" is the best way into the average woman's heart or pants

I said the same thing after he told me that and he literally hand waved it away and said I'll be fine. I've told that story to a few woman I know and every one has WTFed and told me it would never work. He still swears it was good advice.

limp_cheese fucked around with this message at 16:48 on Jul 12, 2017

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:42

curufinor: Apr 4, 2016; by Smythe

ok, wtf, that's a loving amazing story
worth a few drinks at any bar prolly

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:48

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# ? May 10, 2024 04:57

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

You'd think a sniper story would be up there with a shark bite story in ability to pull from a scar.

# ? Jul 12, 2017 16:48

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