sneakyfrog posted:

oh thanks guys that reminds me *opens beer*

more feshes please

quote:

Hi there! I wrote in a while back about my fear of crabs, lobsters, and flying (because I'd be eaten by crabs and lobsters if the plane crashed over the ocean).

I am writing in to today to talk about my crab fear because I had a serious freak out at the beach a few days ago because my brother threw a dead crab at me. It was embarassing but I was able to mostly pass it off as being mad he threw dead seafood at me. Still, when he tosssd that crab my mind went immediately to "I have died and now am being devored by crabs in hell" and picturing giant crabs tearing me apart with their oversized claws. I had my first crab nightmare in a while that night where crabs exploded out of people's orifices and devored my eyes. If I wasn't terrified a gyser of crabs coming out of a vagina would be hilarious but instead I woke up screaming about my lack of dream eyes.

I should probably talk to a therapist about my crab fears but it's still absured as all get out.

quote:

I was sexually assaulted when I was 12, by a random guy on the street. I was sexually assaulted by the father of some kids I used to babysit, also when I was about 12. I was sexually assaulted in my sleep when I was 15 at a friend's house. I woke up with her boyfriend's hand in my panties. I was raped when I was 17, out in the middle of nowhere, after riding in a car with guys we'd just met that night.

I've only ever told one friend.

Whenever my family hear statistics of rape and sexual abuse, they all disagree with their validity. When they hear stats like '1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted' they can't believe it, their reasoning being that out of the whole family, it hasn't happened to any of us. They don't do it in a hostile, malicious way, maybe they're just naive, or lucky. But every time, it makes me want to scream at them. But then I have to stop and think, maybe I'm not the only one who has never told anybody.

Johny-on-the-Spot posted:

My hot take on the wanna be molested goon fesh, it seems kinda harm less what you're doing, but keep in mind you're betraying the trust of any one who is taking you seriously and dealing with the abuse you described. Also don't be to surprised if someone makes light of the abuse, humor is a coping strategy.

Gynovore posted:

This is true I suppose, but 90% of the people you meet online are perverts, 99% if it's a dating site.

LingcodKilla posted:

I'm on track to eat my considerable goon body weight in crabs this season.

Just fighting the good fight for you.

LingcodKilla posted:

I'm on track to eat my considerable goon body weight in crabs this season.

ElGroucho posted:

Yeah, we almost went extinct, not that long ago, in global terms.

omnibobb posted:

Really? that sounds interesting. can you post links?

SciFiDownBeat posted:

Hope you're doing alright sexually assaulted goon. I hope there is a hell for those bastards to get chewed apart by crabs for all eternity

Solice Kirsk posted:

I can't find it, but I think there was a time in the Ice Age when only a few small groups of homosapiens in Africa and Russia/North America survived. Like scientists think we were down into the thousands globally.

Closest thing I could find:

http://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2012/10/22/163397584/how-human-beings-almost-vanished-from-earth-in-70-000-b-c

here's the wikipedia page:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toba_catastrophe_theory

Solice Kirsk posted:

I can't find it, but I think there was a time in the Ice Age when only a few small groups of homosapiens in Africa and Russia/North America survived. Like scientists think we were down into the thousands globally.

Closest thing I could find:

http://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2012/10/22/163397584/how-human-beings-almost-vanished-from-earth-in-70-000-b-c

here's the wikipedia page:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toba_catastrophe_theory

bean_shadow posted:

Dum-a-chum? Dad-a-cham? Ded-a-chek?

quote:

This will probably get posted before you all are done talking about drinking, but just in case...a few years ago I was pulled over for drunk driving. I had hit a couple parked cars and was going about 25 mph in a 60 zone and failing miserably at staying in my lane. The cop that pulled me over ended up being one of my best friends I grew up going to school with, and after joking around and catching up he told me I needed to take a sobriety test. I failed miserably which he found hilarious, then made me do a breathalyzer "out of curiosity". I blew a 0.18 which was surprisingly low considering how I felt.

Instead of arresting me he drove me home and told me to come get the car from the side of the road the next morning. I don't feel bad at all about it and I wish all cops were as understanding and helpful.

quote:

Donald Trump is about to go on a 17 day vacation. The simple fact is, this is to cover for a medical procedure.

Donald is extremely vain and being in the public eye so much over the last few years has made him even more insecure about his appearance.

Trump is getting a face lift, facial liposuction, and hair plugs. I know this because I'm one of the surgeons performing the procedure.

We warned him against it given his age and overall poor health. He flipped poo poo and we're doing it anyway.

Doctor/patient confidentiality be damned; he's called my people rapists and "bad hombres".

Sjs00 posted:

What the gently caress is a 'face lift' do they just rip your face off and replace it with a desperate millennials or something

maskenfreiheit posted:

Sjs00 posted:

What the gently caress is a 'face lift' do they just rip your face off and replace it with a desperate millennials or something

DandyLion posted:

How is this supposed to make him feel better, its imitation crab meat

maskenfreiheit posted:

like most goons i wouldn't know what real crab meat tastes like, i've been fed ground up lake erie puree all my life

Slowpoke Rodriguez posted:

My confession is I love both real and imitation crab meat.

Bareback Werewolf posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQqkBOd8rWs

Solice Kirsk posted:

I should really watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. I've only seen like 3 or 4 individual episodes.

quote:

I think I have an illegitimate child from a one night stand years ago.

I was out having a night of heavy drinking and bumped into a girl I knew from high-school who was the first teenage crush I ever had, although she never knew this. Anyway we were both really drunk and after I walked her home, she invited me inside and we hosed for hours.

The next day she was pestering me to go round again and eventually I relented (imagine a goon being pestered for sex!) and it was a repeat of the previous night only the last time, the condom broke. She claimed to have gotten the morning after pill the next day and I honestly thought that was the end of it.

We lost touch after this (for one reason or another I deleted my Facebook account and never added her as a friend again when I started a new one) but a mutual friend of ours brought her up in conversation so I decided to look her up.

You can probably guess where this is going but she's got a six year old daughter who is the spitting image of not only me, but my mother. The more I looked through the photos the more I couldn't get the idea out of my head that this was my daughter I was looking at. There's other circumstantial evidence that I'm not going to go into unless somebody is really interested.

Obviously I'm not going to do anything goony like message her asking outright. I'm not even sure if I am going to contact her at all. My only issue is that this girls current partner and "dad" to my daughter is a huge piece of poo poo whom I know from years ago. He's spent time in prison for armed robbery and assault and this worries me because I still see him around and nothing has changed about him. She has two kids with him as well.

This is a confession as in I've not told anybody about it yet I feel sick with worry.

quote:

I was molested repeatedly by my former uncle. He would babysit sometimes and tell me to take a shower after being outside. He would follow me into the shower...and do things I didn't understand at that age. My aunt divorced him over his drinking problem, so I haven't seen him in 10+ years. I never told my family, but have done therapy almost continually since high school. A few years ago I finally told a close friend who was amazingly supportive, caring, and understanding.

I'm a straight male. I am very self-conscious about my speaking voice. It's high pitched, though not the stereotypical "gay" voice. But I sometimes feel that others expect me to be gay for this reason. In high school it became a running joke that a friend's mom, upon hearing I was taking a girl to prom, told me "Oh sweetie you don't have to be afraid, you could take your boyfriend!" I've had friends of either gender tell me I can trust them, that I don't have to hide who I am, etc. I tell them I'm not gay which leads concerned looks, hands on my shoulder, hugs. Sometimes people believe me and apologize. I don't get offended, it's been happening for years now.

loquacius posted:

Honestly you seem to have a pretty good handle on each of these things individually; I'm just wondering why they were sent in as one confession. Is the contention that they are related somehow?

Super Waffle posted:

Isn't a high pitched voice sometimes an indicator of childhood sexual abuse?