OLD TRUMP THREAD GO TO THE NEW ONE

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > C-SPAM > OLD TRUMP THREAD GO TO THE NEW ONE

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Yinlock: Oct 22, 2008

Zyla posted:

oh

i guess i thought the buddhism would have less child rape, and surprise surprise it does.

that works

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:53

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# ? Jun 1, 2024 06:04

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

BrownieMinusEye posted:

My paper just got sent out for review at a really nice journal. I invented a way to verify what proteins an irreversible drug is binding to in a cell.

I spent 3 1/2 years on this project and it'll probably benefit pharma companies the most but I used the technique to come up with a new drug against a protein that nobody had ever studied before because its not commercially viable. It seems to make cancers worse when there's a lot of it. Maybe now that you can stop its function with this drug somebody can figure out what the protein is doing in us humans.

thats awesome

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:54

crazy cloud: Nov 7, 2012; by Cyrano4747; Lipstick Apathy

a helpful bear posted:

sorry im lost who is this

Jason Miller, Trump Staffer, Another loving Miller, Wife-Cheater-Onner, Mistress-Up-Knocker

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:54

Yinlock: Oct 22, 2008

crazy cloud posted:

enlightenment isn't inner peace nor can you cultivate it, so

look at mr zen dictionary over here

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:55

deadgoon: Dec 4, 2014; by FactsAreUseless

everyone pls remember that the cell phone emergency alert system has a priority above amber alert which absolutely cannot be deactivated

and that donald trump has the authority to use it at his discretion

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:55

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

crazy cloud posted:

Jason Miller, Trump Staffer, Another loving Miller, Wife-Cheater-Onner, Mistress-Up-Knocker

he was at one time, trump's head press staffer

the og spicer

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:55

a helpful bear: Aug 18, 2004; Slippery Tilde

BrownieMinusEye posted:

My paper just got sent out for review at a really nice journal. I invented a way to verify what proteins an irreversible drug is binding to in a cell.

I spent 3 1/2 years on this project and it'll probably benefit pharma companies the most but I used the technique to come up with a new drug against a protein that nobody had ever studied before because its not commercially viable. It seems to make cancers worse when there's a lot of it. Maybe now that you can stop its function with this drug somebody can figure out what the protein is doing in us humans.

that owns, morty

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:55

crazy cloud: Nov 7, 2012; by Cyrano4747; Lipstick Apathy

Zyla posted:

he was at one time, trump's head press staffer

the og spicer

It's Miller's all the way down :tinfoil:

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:56

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

crazy cloud posted:

enlightenment isn't inner peace nor can you cultivate it, so

my sect doesn't believe in enlightenment at all. This is the best it gets ever.

its kinda depressing, but it kinda feels nice to be honest about it

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:56

Von Sloneker: Jul 6, 2009; as if all this was something more
than another footnote on a postcard from nowhere,
another chapter in the handbook for exercises in futility

https://twitter.com/TAPSTRIMEDIA/status/895486929466048513

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:57

FormerPoster: Aug 5, 2004; Hair Elf

Zyla posted:

my sect doesn't believe in enlightenment at all. This is the best it gets ever.

its kinda depressing, but it kinda feels nice to be honest about it

Hmmmm so where does your sect fall on the galaxy brain scale?

# ? Aug 10, 2017 04:59

Nonsense: Jan 26, 2007

Von Sloneker posted:

https://twitter.com/TAPSTRIMEDIA/status/895486929466048513

this is loving great

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:00

crazy cloud: Nov 7, 2012; by Cyrano4747; Lipstick Apathy

Zyla posted:

my sect doesn't believe in enlightenment at all. This is the best it gets ever.

its kinda depressing, but it kinda feels nice to be honest about it

It's not depressing at all wtff it's literally the most liberating thing

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:00

stuffed crust punk: Oct 8, 2004; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Matoi Ryuko posted:

Baloogan if u liked my top 2 anime kill la kill and himouto umaru-chan then u would probably like #3, flip fappers.

great thanks

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:00

MadJackal: Apr 30, 2004

Internet Webguy posted:

https://twitter.com/thehill/status/895469520713912320

RUSSSSSSIIIIIAAAANNNNSSSS!!!!!!!

Check the photo and any "copper mug" you see at Target: the outside may be copper, but the inside is usually stainless steel.

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:01

BrownieMinusEye: Apr 22, 2008; Oven Wrangler

Zyla posted:

thats awesome

this thread has been my relatively unhealthy therapy since T went down the escalator

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:01

crazy cloud: Nov 7, 2012; by Cyrano4747; Lipstick Apathy

The self is fake news, any categories that apply to the self are double fake news, namaste

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:01

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

Naerasa posted:

Hmmmm so where does your sect fall on the galaxy brain scale?

super normie brain

we don't believe in anything unnatural or mystical at all.

sit and shut up is our motto

answer for lifes probs is fix it, and meditate

everything else is extrapolated from there

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:03

stuffed crust punk: Oct 8, 2004; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

tacodaemon posted:

u guys really need to check out this whole ad though it's brilliant

https://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/ofc/d/personal-assistant-must-love/6256376954.html

Personal Assistant MUST LOVE DOGS - PT/FT, $25-$30/hr (SOMA / south beach)

*WE'RE RECEIVING A LOT OF INTEREST. PLS MAKE SURE TO SEND A VIDEO!*

---Interviewing daily---

Hi and thx for visiting.

We're two 30-something executives living in the city with a sweet medium-sized, hypoallergenic dog. Work is crazier than ever which means that we don't have time to maintain our personal lives. We've finally accepted that we need a full-time (or part-time) personal assistant.

THE PROBLEM:
----------------------

We're resorting to unhealthy take-out and processed foods -- anything we can grab and munch on in-between working on our computers, we aren't getting enough sleep (8 hrs/night is a must but rarely achieved), that very cute dog I mentioned doesn't have someone to play with daily, personal social media accounts are neglected, I buy fresh flowers but don't have time to trim daily and change the water, indoor plants are dying, vacations and fun trips aren't taken because there's no time to plan them, dirty laundry is neglected until we run out of clean clothes to wear, merchandise that should be returned doesn't get returned, phone calls to customer support don't get made, prescriptions aren't refilled, instead of dry cleaning something it will just never be worn again, pants that are too long never get hemmed, that cute dog doesn't get taught new tricks or get his coat brushed out as often as it needs to be, things that we're meaning to order don't get ordered, items slated for donation sit in a corner for months, groceries aren't put away into the cabinet, the sink is eternally filled with soaking dishes/pots/pans, picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside, the closet is in need of reorganization, appointments aren't scheduled, information isn't updated, nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped, investment opportunities go un-researched, and that crucial"date night" consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we're so exhausted from the work week.

Does the idea of helping us to go from zero to hero in all of the above areas make you smile OR cringe?

For the cringers, feel free to exit now Good luck with your search!

For the smilers, you're making me so happy. I know that you're going to help us so much.

THE SOLUTION:
----------------------

Our ideal full-time (or part-time) personal assistant is chill but also gets sh*t done.

Ideally, you have experience being a personal assistant for a CXO in the past (and you really liked it).

You aren't dramatic or tightly wound, however, you're also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You're level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You're down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you're wrong. You aren't too stubborn to apologize. You don't get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren't dramatic and you aren't having regular melt-downs. You're warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is -- big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You're observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say "Oh, I forgot." You believe that there's a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You're naturally organized and clean. You don't like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they're crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don't feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won't seem happy.) Your friends think that you're the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You're very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look -- whatever that "look" or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you're "bohemian chic" but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you're "cool hipster" but don't wear the super tight jeans that won't leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog's potty bags, you're totally "minimalistic modern" but avoid the white on white look so you're not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)

REQUIRED HOURS:
----------------------

Location = SoMa
Commitment = on-call 24/7 for emergencies/urgent/important matters
Hours = Approximately 40 hrs/wk (mostly during the workweek)

TYPICAL SCHEDULE:
----------------------

Mon - Fri
- 10am - 11am = dog time (feeding, brushing, walking, washing, play with, teach tricks, take photos)
- 11am - 12pm = cleaning home (dishes, laundry, vacuum, dusting, wiping down countertops, clean up rare dog accident, etc.)
- 12pm - 1pm = improving look, ambiance & functionality of home (reorganizing cabinets, refreshing flowers, etc.)
- 1pm - 3pm = run errands (dry cleaning, tailor, groceries, clothes shopping, dog store, picking up Rx, stop by the office, etc.)
- 3 pm - 6 pm = on your computer/phone (investment research, post on our social media for us, planning a trip, ordering things online, scheduling an appointment, organizing receipts & other bookkeeping, taking notes while listening in on a meeting or call, cooking us dinner, food prep for the dog, book us dinner reservations or schedule our "date nights", etc.)

Sat or Sun
- Take the dog to the beach before dropping him off at the dog groomer for a wash and blow out
- Sometimes you may need to help us with something over the weekend

REQUIREMENTS:
----------------------

* Written and spoken English language FLUENCY
* Able to maintain strict confidentiality
* No smokers (cigarettes, marijuana, other)
* No heavy drinkers (max of 5 drinks per week)
* No drug users
* No past criminal record
* Must love dogs and animals
* Valid drivers license (car will be provided if necessary for work) with experience driving in SF
* Experience with GSuite, MSOffice, Adobe Suite
* Experience with MacOS and iOS (computer and phone will be provided)
* Touch typing 60+ WPM
* Prior experience as dog owner
* No injuries or physical constraints that would impede your ability to rearrange furniture, lift a 40 lb dog up several flights of stairs, carry heavy grocery bags or luggage, etc.
* Able to swim well in the ocean (dog likes swimming; you may need to get him when he goes out too far)
* Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog
* Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea

BONUS POINTS:
----------------------

* Multilingual
* Experience as a personal/executive assistant
* Experience with a high-maintenance dog (long haired, allergies, etc.)
* Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)
* You are a great cook and know how to make both rich, savory vs. lean, healthy meals
* Enjoy giving manicures/pedicures
* Well-traveled
* Experience in high-end/luxury retail or hospitality industry
* Good eye for design and style
* Prior experience reviewing and negotiating contracts
* Prior experience with home redesign, remodel, contractor management
* Physically strong
* Lift weights and/or tone as exercise
* Practiced in self defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)
* You like fashion
* You watch GoT and/or Silicon Valley
* Former or current aquarium owner (know how to set up a tank and create an ecosystem)

RULES TO APPLY:
----------------------

1. Submit an email with the subject line: "[INSERT YOUR FULL NAME] + [INSERT YOUR WORST QUALITY]." We're confirming that you read the job description thoroughly, as well as breaking the ice by seeing if you're aware of how you're not perfect :p No one is so feel free to be candid If you don't follow that formula for the subject line, your email won't be opened.

2. With your computer webcam or handheld smartphone, record and attach a 3-5 min video of you answering ALL of the following: What did you like about this posting? Confirm if this posting applies to you 100% (including personality description, qualifications, schedule, responsibilities, etc.). Tell us in what way(s) you're not ideal for us (be transparent, no one is perfect and that's okay, bonus points for honesty). Have you been a personal assistant before? For who? What was a typical day? Why can you be trusted to care for a dog? Can you cook us delicious food? What else should we know about you?

3. In your email response, include these 4 social media profiles if you have them (LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) so we can confirm your identity. Also, tell us where you live, how long would it take you to get to SoMa? Do you have a car? If so, what make, model and condition?

WARNING:
----------------------

If you don't follow #1 - 3 then you won't be considered for an interview.

THX FOR READING & WE LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU :

XOXO
Doodle Lovers

shorter ad:

we need you to be us and live our lives for us

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:03

Bert Roberge: Nov 28, 2003

zen death robot posted:

eat me

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:03

Nonsense: Jan 26, 2007

MadJackal posted:

Check the photo and any "copper mug" you see at Target: the outside may be copper, but the inside is usually stainless steel.

get yerself a set of these

https://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-1398882/

the handles will slowly degrade your genetic offspring

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:04

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

crazy cloud posted:

It's not depressing at all wtff it's literally the most liberating thing

it should be but i got that catholic heaven bullshit still lingering and thinking there isnt one sets off some panic still :smith:

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:04

Squizzle: Apr 24, 2008

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gO46vEGcVs

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:04

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

zen death robot posted:

eat me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U0y5j6DNuo

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:04

Bert Roberge: Nov 28, 2003

BrownieMinusEye posted:

My paper just got sent out for review at a really nice journal. I invented a way to verify what proteins an irreversible drug is binding to in a cell.

I spent 3 1/2 years on this project and it'll probably benefit pharma companies the most but I used the technique to come up with a new drug against a protein that nobody had ever studied before because its not commercially viable. It seems to make cancers worse when there's a lot of it. Maybe now that you can stop its function with this drug somebody can figure out what the protein is doing in us humans.

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:05

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

nothing matters and we all die so have some fun i guess

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:05

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

one of the things i never got when i was a kid is would i see my grandparents in heaven as the old people i knew them as or would everyone be in their early 30s or something

also whats the functional differnece between heaven and a perfect holodeck??? like i better get to be able to go on a real life pokemon adventure in heaven

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:05

Mariana Horchata: Jun 30, 2008; College Slice

Zyla posted:

they sure as fuk do

it was worcester too, did u hear it too? my heart is still fkn racing and im chooming the indica like a motherfucker rn 2 settle down

i tweeted at the state police and told them 2 fk off w/ that shiet...seriously sent the alert but pls no loud ominous tones in the middle of the nite

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:05

Yinlock: Oct 22, 2008

crazy cloud posted:

It's not depressing at all wtff it's literally the most liberating thing

yeah i thought that was more or less the point of Buddhism

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:06

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

Mariana Horchata posted:

it was worcester too, did u hear it too? my heart is still fkn racing and im chooming the indica like a motherfucker rn 2 settle down

yep

i thought it was a bomb warning

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:06

GrimGypsy: Mar 27, 2007

trump and putin touching their dicks together and passing a kidney stone back and forth

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:06

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

Yinlock posted:

yeah i thought that was more or less the point of Buddhism

it is, in as much as buddhism has a point

the smartest buddhists will say that nothing has a point and nothing matters

but its slightly different than straight nihilism because there's ways to improve things

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:06

BrownieMinusEye: Apr 22, 2008; Oven Wrangler

MadJackal posted:

Check the photo and any "copper mug" you see at Target: the outside may be copper, but the inside is usually stainless steel.

I'm not really sure why they single out MM's. Most any carbonated drink fits the category. gently caress, the tap water at work is pH 4 for some reason (same pH as lemon juice, its loving weird)

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:06

Nonsense: Jan 26, 2007

BrownieMinusEye posted:

I'm not really sure why they single out MM's. Most any carbonated drink fits the category. gently caress, the tap water at work is pH 4 for some reason (same pH as lemon juice, its loving weird)

your giant brain is a threat to trump

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:07

Origami Dali: Jan 7, 2005; Get ready to fuck!
You fucker's fucker!
You fucker!

how does that negative-chin having motherfucker jason miller convince anyone to gently caress him? how is this possible?

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:08

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

i only drink out of vitnage 20s uranium glassware my cumshits glow in the dark

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:08

Squizzle: Apr 24, 2008

Zyla posted:

super normie brain

we don't believe in anything unnatural or mystical at all.

sit and shut up is our motto

answer for lifes probs is fix it, and meditate

everything else is extrapolated from there

also to check out the hook, while the dj revolves it

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:08

bean mom: Jan 30, 2009

why in the ever living gently caress would people put lead into a food thing in 2017

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:08

deadgoon: Dec 4, 2014; by FactsAreUseless

don't worry everyone, death is not the end, u have an eternity of suffering to look forward to

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:08

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jun 1, 2024 06:04

Mariana Horchata: Jun 30, 2008; College Slice

now all my batteries are drained

gonna have 2 switch 2 guns :ocelot:

thanx assholes 4 putting me into a tailspin, really appreciate it

i hope u lose one of ur own tonite and u break out the pity party with the bagpipes and bullshit

# ? Aug 10, 2017 05:08

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > C-SPAM > OLD TRUMP THREAD GO TO THE NEW ONE

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