Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

I tried pissing out a pop-out window at the back of a van once as a teen and most of it blew back in all over the place

# ? Sep 17, 2017 04:23

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# ? May 9, 2024 21:46

vortmax: Sep 24, 2008; In meteorology, vorticity often refers to a measurement of the spin of horizontally flowing air about a vertical axis.

got any sevens posted:

Look at this scrub without nightvision. Hell, i can write blindfolded

Look here whippersnapper I'm old enought that my night vision is shot, okay?

Jastiger posted:

Fuckin millenials, i swear.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 04:37

Sjs00: Jun 29, 2013; Yeah Baby Yeah !

Pissing on a skateboard going downhill at night.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 04:38

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Remember when that goon would piss in the knothole in his kitchen floor for years but then the dogs got into the crawlspace one time and rolled in it?

anyway sit pissing can still be somewhat dangerous: letting your junk touch the water or bowl is repulsive even in your own home, and to have it happen somewhere else is loving unendurable.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 04:39

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Or maybe he went to piss the hole and he saw an animal looking back up at him? Can't remember now.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 04:39

School Nickname: Apr 23, 2010; *fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*

loving gonna invent my own conspiracy that fly zippers were invented so alpha males could relegate the weak fly zippers who leaked after pissing to the pissbitch leagues and claim all the upper class women as their own. The female's brother or trusted colleague would tell the woman, "This man can piss" and almost magically nouveau-riche alliances and dynasties were formed.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 05:41

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

It locks in the degraded pheromones and females are subconsciously turned off, obviously. Look at cultures that only has buttons or hook and eyes or said gently caress it and wore togas, kilts, or even loincloths

# ? Sep 17, 2017 06:00

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Just piss in jugs and throw them out the window when they are full and you won't have to worry about splatter or getting your dick wet in toilet water.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 06:19

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

ReidRansom posted:

I tried pissing out a pop-out window at the back of a van once as a teen and most of it blew back in all over the place

Pop a spoiler on that bitch. :clint:

# ? Sep 17, 2017 06:24

got any sevens: Feb 9, 2013; by Cyrano4747

yeah I eat rear end posted:

Just piss in jugs and throw them out the window when they are full and you won't have to worry about splatter or getting your dick wet in toilet water.

Potential downside:
https://youtu.be/UHXrfajDn9s

# ? Sep 17, 2017 06:38

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

got any sevens posted:

Potential downside:
https://youtu.be/UHXrfajDn9s

Thats a rookie mistake. You've got to use the big gallon jugs.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 06:41

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

What the gently caress is it with american toilets where the bowl is apparently full to the rim all the time

# ? Sep 17, 2017 06:48

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Inescapable Duck posted:

What the gently caress is it with american toilets where the bowl is apparently full to the rim all the time

Is this about the dudes claiming that sitting down results in ball/dick dunking? because I'm equally confused. As an american and a male with a pretty ok package, I can't figure out the logistics there either.

Do some people have truck nutz for actual testicles or?

# ? Sep 17, 2017 07:10

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

I mean under the same principle swirlies would be near impossible in their traditional sense in Australian toilets because unless something has gone very wrong with the plumbing they water level is never anywhere near that high (let alone our arcane flushing magic)

# ? Sep 17, 2017 07:11

burial: Sep 13, 2002; actually, that won't be necessary.

Inescapable Duck posted:

I mean under the same principle swirlies would be near impossible in their traditional sense in Australian toilets because unless something has gone very wrong with the plumbing they water level is never anywhere near that high (let alone our arcane flushing magic)

I've never seen a toilet that wasn't clogged be more than a third full at most.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 07:13

facebook jihad: Dec 18, 2007; by R. Guyovich

I used to take my morning piss in the dorm shower drain every day in college

# ? Sep 17, 2017 07:22

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

vortmax posted:

Look here whippersnapper I'm old enought that my night vision is shot, okay?

After a certain age peeing sitting down stops being an option unless you want your balls dunking in the bowl like the world's saddest tea bags.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 07:26

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

facebook jihad posted:

I used to take my morning piss in the dorm shower drain every day in college

It's all pipes!

# ? Sep 17, 2017 07:49

armchairyoda: Sep 17, 2008; Melman

Jastiger posted:

Someone demonstrates hygiene and you counter with a bullshit life hack that doesnt work half the time, when instead, you could try not being a pretentious douche and do it the clearly superior way.

Fuckin millenials, i swear.

Lol, nice trickle down.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 15:00

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Heh. Noice.

But seriously sit down to pee at home. Less splash, less mess. Its just better

And if someone else cleans tje bathroom then you're actively being a jerk by getting your piss splatter everywhere.

I mean poo poo, guess how many times my family sits in pee because someone missed while pissing and it got all over the seat? 0 times.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 15:21

No. 6: Jun 30, 2002

Let the kids pee how they want.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 15:24

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Jastiger posted:

I mean poo poo, guess how many times my family sits in pee because someone missed while pissing and it got all over the seat? 0 times.

This is not a problem for anyone with a functioning set of eyes. If you have to sit down at night you should be turning on the light to check anyway, there could be spiders.

If you happen to miss then it's your responsibility to clean it up immediately anyway.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 15:29

Jastiger: Oct 11, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

yeah I eat rear end posted:

This is not a problem for anyone with a functioning set of eyes. If you have to sit down at night you should be turning on the light to check anyway, there could be spiders.

If you happen to miss then it's your responsibility to clean it up immediately anyway.

I agree its their responsibility, but head it off at the pass. Just sit down so its not even a thing. Done.

Also spiders. Pfft. They better move out the way i aint scurred

# ? Sep 17, 2017 15:45

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Inescapable Duck posted:

What the gently caress is it with american toilets where the bowl is apparently full to the rim all the time

I promise you this is not actually a thing, that was a joke

I've noticed Internet people seem to love drawing sweeping generalizations about America based on individual weirdos saying weird stuff (with varying degrees of sincerity) on American websites and/or poo poo they saw on TV

Anyway the guy who sent in this next one seemed to indicate that there would be a part 2 I should wait for but I still haven't seen it so I'm just posting this part now

quote:

I am a goon. I started lurking in '04, I registered and became an active member of this place after that. Like many goons, I grew up religious and poor, and for me SA was my first real exposure to the world. There did used to be a lot more Christian folk on these forums, including multiple pastors, and bizarrely, as I'm sure other goons can say, goatse and jesus can both fit just fine into your life without that much effort. Of course like other goons born with dicks, I was/am/will be afraid of women! But I had a job, was young, and owned a lit gaming PC. Obviously Jesus and LOWTAX eventually weren't going to mix okay in my mind. Except they did mix totally fine, Jesus could allow for evolution and even a million year old earth, and SA could show me kidsinasandbox and tubgirl. Hell, that even gave me an idea of what I had thought hell could be like.

Ironically my brand of Christianity(TM) and virginity were at odds, plus a hidden not told until after it was done a family history really, really full of depression and some roulette. I won. All that poo poo caused some severe depression and some increasingly serious suicide attempts. Which leads you to pretty much mandatory therapy. I loving kept my lovely rear end job the whole time this occurred, it was astonishing. But therapy turned out to be helpful. It took me 4 tries and days to find one that took my insurance, and when you're depressed, I know, that's brutal, I cut myself after the 3rd fail. And then I got someone who was... mediocrely matched to me. They did care about helping me and they were good at analyzing a lot of my issues, they just didn't have a lot of experience with people people that were suicidal. But it helped a lot. I was able to keep my job, which was great because I had $0 savings.

My therapist heavily encouraged me to address my goony lack of girl issues by using a mobile phone dating app! No poo poo, I had asked a few girls out at churches before, but that was basically it, all rejections, and then within a day of installing the app I had a date setup. Date went pretty well as far as dates, but as far as my expectations it went as well as suicide attempt next day. Beginner's cutting, all over my arms, doctor was pissed and sentenced me to the pysch hospital, which was public cause I'm a poor goon. But! In comes my roommate and close friend, who drove me there and upon arriving at what can only be described as the hospital from 'One Flew Over the Cuckcoo's Nest' incarnate and he miraculously talks them out of committing me, and I go back to work and start improving for weeks!

Unfortunately my pastor was a dipshit. When I talked to him about the suicide attempts, he told me it's not good to do, but GOD would forgive me and he was sorry I was so sad but GOD had a plan for me. (Don't ever tell a depressed person that god will love them if they kill themselves.) That led to my most serious attempt in a potpourri of a thousand pills.

Going to therapy saved my life that night. Of my random pills, hundreds were a placebo. My therapist had wisely had me going to a psychiatrist, who trusted nothing I said and was very good at giving me drugs that on the internet appeared great, but in reality did nothing. I still managed to take enough over the counter pills to warrant a kidney shut-down, but thanks to a suicide post in this loving place of all places, another goon was able to reach out to enough people to contact my room-mate to drive me to the ER.

After waking up in the ER, with a rubber tube that is way too big inserted up my dick, really far, I decided I was done with Jesus. and for good measure I gave up drugs and booze for a while too. And I kept going to therapy and working through the depression. Eventually I moved on from the depression to start working on whatever concerned me. And it worked and works so well. Everything is pretty great. I went fun dating some people to a great relationship into an exciting engagement, turns out when I wasn't depressed it's much easier to get a much nicer job, I am fit, keep krunk on weekends, have a bunch of friends and my life is going pretty great.

Therapy saved my life, gave me a career, got me laid, and got me engaged. And that was with a therapist who didn't fit nearly as well as my current therapist.

Some parts of the above were written sober, but most were not. This is the easier half of this story. Part 2 will be written all sober.

I'm glad you managed to turn a corner; congrats

quote:

Sometimes I worry they'll develop some sort of algorithm that can spot folks like me. This guy watches too much Forensic Files and Californication. Personality disorder spotted!

I think I wrote in about this before, but when I was younger I was diagnosed with Asperger's. Yeah, that's why I transgress social norms and seem to lack empathy. Let's go with that... loving idiots.

I'm kind of a sadist... or maybe not? I don't know how it works, clinically speaking... I've been reading up on personality disorders and a lot of BPD's symptoms stick out... but people who've gotten close have accused me of being a narcissist a few times, including a family member with a psych background.

Anyways, whatever I have, it came after years of bullying and (physical) abuse from parents, teachers, "friends"... it's like something snapped recently - everyone else thinks they can dole out harm then pretend they've "grown up"..

I've curated a multireddit that's full of gore photos. Some of them are so extreme you need an email to subscribe to them, Reddit won't let you view them otherwise. Sometimes I scroll until I find one that reminds me of someone I dislike, and I look at the crime scene photos in great detail. Sometimes I'll hit the jackpot and find death photos that match similar enough to someone on GW that I can look at the hi res death photos, then switch over to some bikini shots or something and picture raping and killing the girl.

It kind of troubles me lately, how often I think about hurting people. And I'm pretty creative... for example some guy flamed me on Reddit so I put him on my list. I kept an eye on his post history, which included several mental health subreddits. One day he posted about being depressed - borderline suicidal. So I sent him this picture[link removed by loq] and told him only death will free him from his pain, that he's useless etc.

This was after starting a slow boil convo for a couple weeks with an alt I created here on Tor.

I looked into the law and it's my understanding if I don't REPEATEDLY tell him to kill himself I'm in the clear. Plus, again, used Tor while tooling around at a local caf� so I doubt it can be traced.

Why do these things? Because I feel angry. I've been poo poo on so much in life, and I'm tired of the rules being used against me but never to protect me. I'd give more detail but I'm not stupid.

It's kind of dumb to expect other people to use "the rules" to "protect" you if you haven't given them a reason to like you; social interaction doesn't work like games. But that's kind of beside the point, really.

See thread title. I feel like this is absolutely a case where I'm straightforwardly justified in telling you you should talk to a professional. Not even for the sake of those around you; if you're so angry that you feel like you need to tell online strangers to kill themselves you could probably stand to be much happier if you had some help navigating your emotions.

Oh and there was a link to an image but if it's the kind of thing Reddit doesn't dare link to directly I'm thinking it'd be a bad idea to post ITT too. (I didn't click it myself either)

# ? Sep 17, 2017 16:45

lunar detritus: May 6, 2009

loquacius posted:

I promise you this is not actually a thing, that was a joke

I've noticed Internet people seem to love drawing sweeping generalizations about America based on individual weirdos saying weird stuff (with varying degrees of sincerity) on American websites and/or poo poo they saw on TV

Americans voted for Trump, I'm prepared to believe anything weird about them now. :shrug:

# ? Sep 17, 2017 16:50

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

gmq posted:

Americans voted for Trump, I'm prepared to believe anything weird about them now.

It's important to remember that Americans wanted to elect a socialist but the electoral system is totally rigged (in the case of right wing gerrymandering which gives 40% of the population 60% of the vote, and in the case of the dem primaries which were just out and out fixed). add that to a primary system which doesn't have a fair run off method and we get trump elected by the will of about 15% of America.

but that being said we have people in the midst of a biblical flood who don't believe in climate change

# ? Sep 17, 2017 17:36

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

what was that Jesus guy confessing to anyway? being a loser?

# ? Sep 17, 2017 19:47

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

JUST loving LOL if you don't pee standing up using sonar at night like almost exclusively

# ? Sep 17, 2017 19:57

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

I emit a series of clicks and chirps to locate the bathroom sink so I can piss at home in total darkness.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 20:17

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Solice Kirsk posted:

I emit a series of clicks and chirps to locate the bathroom sink so I can piss at home in total darkness.

I watched a dude who I guess was black-out drunk stumble up to a plastic tree in the corner of the room and pee in it.
Woulda said something but I didn't wanna get hit with his pee-pee.

Also not my house.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 21:12

Applesnots: Oct 22, 2010; MERRY YOBMAS

Just piss out in the yard like a cave man. Fun story, I was pissing in the yard the other day and a very curious humming bird came up and started flying around my urine stream. It was pretty cool,

# ? Sep 17, 2017 22:06

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Applesnots posted:

Just piss out in the yard like a cave man. Fun story, I was pissing in the yard the other day and a very curious humming bird came up and started flying around my urine stream. It was pretty cool,

It mistaked your piss for nectar since you drank 5 Mountain Dews

# ? Sep 17, 2017 22:10

Applesnots: Oct 22, 2010; MERRY YOBMAS

bradzilla posted:

It mistaked your piss for nectar since you drank 5 Mountain Dews

Probably, but replace Mt Dew with beer, and like nine.
I felt like Piss Snow White.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 22:12

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

I just took a leak and a mosquito flew out from under the rim. Had I sat down my poo poo woulda' got bit.

Instead, I tried to hit it with my stream. Almost got it twice before it flew out of range.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 22:21

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

"Bathroom's closer, but nature calls."
*pisses into potted plant in living room

# ? Sep 17, 2017 22:43

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

What the hell is it with this thread and pee? 95% of discussions end up there.

Non-anon fesh: until I was literally 17 or so I thought girls stood in front of the toilet like guys.

# ? Sep 17, 2017 23:35

titties: May 10, 2012; They're like two suicide notes stuffed into a glitter bra

LingcodKilla posted:

Nobody likes you, Titties.

I don't even know how to deal with this right now, I thought you were my friend you son of a bitch.

# ? Sep 18, 2017 00:54

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

titties posted:

I don't even know how to deal with this right now, I thought you were my friend you son of a bitch.

We looooove you!

# ? Sep 18, 2017 01:37

Il Federale: Oct 10, 2012

Gynovore posted:

Non-anon fesh: until I was literally 17 or so I thought girls stood in front of the toilet like guys.

Uhhhh...how?

# ? Sep 18, 2017 02:21

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# ? May 9, 2024 21:46

titties: May 10, 2012; They're like two suicide notes stuffed into a glitter bra

LingcodKilla posted:

We looooove you!

I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions.

# ? Sep 18, 2017 02:55

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