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Bobbie Wickham posted:Edit: And no matter how unwelcome you think your "posting style" is, abandoning your thread is probatable. You're staying on this ride to the bitter end. what the gently caress is the bitter end, jesus christ
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Oct 1, 2017 03:01
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echinopsis posted:it's annoying that you guys are getting to me and starting to get me to change my perspective Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy are the 2 most effective tools to fix this kind of thing. You need therapy in one of these forms. That's where a psychologist comes in, though there are CBT and DBT workbooks that you can get off the internet that can also help. These therapies are around to change your mindset to a healthier frame.
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Oct 1, 2017 03:04
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echinopsis posted:what the gently caress is the bitter end, jesus christ I'll let you know when I do.
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Oct 1, 2017 03:04
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Somebody fucked around with this message at 04:05 on Oct 1, 2017 |
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Oct 1, 2017 03:58
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This isn't YOSPOS. Knock it off. If this is how you handle the consequences of your actions, then no wonder your wife banished you to the basement. I hope she actually kicks your rear end out, partly so you two can have some space to work things out, and partly as a wake-up call. Being flippant is not a good look for you. I don't recommend it.
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Oct 1, 2017 04:07
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Bobbie Wickham posted:This isn't YOSPOS. Knock it off. you don't get it, hes just doing it as a joke and definitely isn't dismissive and detached irl. he's a lot more serious in real life and his wife is leaving him for one of the normal, regular reasons someone would leave their heavily drinking spouse that they were in an open relationship with
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Oct 1, 2017 04:16
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echinopsis posted:
A guess based on the post where you described the situation: The problem was your drinking led to behavior she didn't like. The crush on a coworker was a distraction that led to a temporary solution of getting the things she needed from her marriage from her other partners. It was symptomatic of the issues even if it wasn't the issue at hand. I hope you both make the best of things but this does look pretty bad from the outside.  good luck!
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Oct 1, 2017 04:44
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be good and try hard! 
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little munchkin posted:you don't get it, hes just doing it as a joke and definitely isn't dismissive and detached irl. he's a lot more serious in real life and his wife is leaving him for one of the normal, regular reasons someone would leave their heavily drinking spouse that they were in an open relationship with Oh, my bad, I forgot. You DID remind me of another thing you posted, though: little munchkin posted:just off the top of my head, three other e/n posters who loved the "just a joke, sorry you can't tell over the Internet how mentally healthy i am actually being right now" excuse: Echi, just for the record, with these guys: -Pregnant obese hoarder ignored our advice, had a premature birth, and her baby had to stay in the hospital because of a Listeria infection -Sexual assault guy totally assaulted that girl, and got lucky that no one pressed charges, but he lost some friends as a result -Bad Dad (one of LLJKSilk's accounts) was getting visits from CPS So that's the company you keep: a negligent mother who put her baby's life at risk, an admitted rapist, and an abusive father. Edit: Hug!! Where've you been?
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Oct 1, 2017 04:59
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echinopsis posted:But I also want to have fun, and go out, and not having someone texting me asking when I'm coming home. I've so enjoyed this trial separation, where I can just be free to be me, and not have to meet someone else's requirements all the time.
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Oct 1, 2017 05:04
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i like nice words
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Bobbie Wickham posted:Oh, my bad, I forgot. You DID remind me of another thing you posted, though: I graduated college and I'm working full time! I am still with the guy I mentioned becoming serious with in the dating site thread. 
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Oct 1, 2017 05:13
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Anne Whateley posted:So this is also a trial separation from your kids? He's actually living in the basement of their house, or first floor, I can't be bothered to check which. So it's not an actual separation, except now his wife doesn't text him when he's cruising. Hug in a Can posted:I graduated college and I'm working full time! I am still with the guy I mentioned becoming serious with in the dating site thread. Congratulations! Those are both great pieces of news.
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Oct 1, 2017 05:19
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Yeah I get he's still living there. I'm pointing out that not being able to wooooo party whenever has less to do with being married and more to do with deciding to create human lives entirely dependent on him. He's always claimed to be responsible for the kids -- dating dozens of women and doing hard drugs doesn't cut into that at all, obv -- so I'm curious to see how he reconciles being totes responsible with staying out late with zero accountability.
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Oct 1, 2017 05:22
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What's this about? But I also want to have fun, and go out, and not having someone texting me asking when I'm coming home. I've so enjoyed this trial separation, where I can just be free to be me, and not have to meet someone else's requirements all the time.
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Oct 1, 2017 05:25
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I've never been independent before. maybe i like it
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Oct 1, 2017 05:39
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echinopsis posted:I've never been independent before. maybe i like it How old are you
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Oct 1, 2017 05:42
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36
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Oct 1, 2017 06:27
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I think the scariest thing in the world is that you can live for 36 years and still be totally clueless.
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Oct 1, 2017 07:20
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Lol@your expense op,. 
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Oct 1, 2017 07:25
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echinopsis posted:I've never been independent before. maybe i like it how many children do you have and how old are they?
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Oct 1, 2017 11:11
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I'd like to hear some opinions of all the posters who responded to people saying it was a bad idea like "Projection much?  One lover much? Ever heard of compersion shithead?  "
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Oct 1, 2017 11:25
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echinopsis posted:it's annoying that you guys are getting to me and starting to get me to change my perspective I told you, that's how E/N works. The posters here are a little too savvy to take a braggart at face value. They will throw your words back at you, take you to task to explain yourself, and give advice that is often harsh but also necessary. This is what your marriage counselor should be doing, albeit in a kinder, nonjudgmental and professional way. I don't know if you're not being fully honest and not doing the work, or if they aren't especially good at their job, or what, but it's kind of sad that a bunch of goons criticizing you is more effective than your actually licensed therapist.
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Oct 1, 2017 14:38
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OP, my mom left my dad because she wanted to be able to drink all night and gently caress other guys without being nagged about stupid poo poo like "getting a job" or "being able to pay the mortgage." I loving HATE her for it, because she actively chose alcohol and partying over her family and getting healthy. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. I was in my early 20s at the time, so I wasn't in my formative years or dependent on her, but it still hosed me up and really wrecked the rest of my family in a lot of ways too. Your kids are way younger than I am, and they're watching their daddy make the same decision. You can try to justify it to yourself - oh, it's amicable, we still live together, kids come first- but if you decide to choose partying over your family all of that is a lie, and your kids will see right through it.
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Oct 1, 2017 14:53
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Yeah but what about all the women who would go undeepthroated? There's a balance to all things.
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Oct 1, 2017 15:37
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I.N.R.I posted:Lol@your expense op,.
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Oct 1, 2017 19:12
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A Pinball Wizard posted:OP, my mom left my dad because she wanted to be able to drink all night and gently caress other guys without being nagged about stupid poo poo like "getting a job" or "being able to pay the mortgage." I loving HATE her for it, because she actively chose alcohol and partying over her family and getting healthy. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. Dude I think once you're in your 20s your mom is allowed to do what she wants because she's sacrificed 20 years of her life to bring you up. She didn't do it when you were little, and presumably devoted her life to bringing you up. Cut her a little bit of slack here.
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Oct 1, 2017 19:38
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right now the issue is spending time with my wife and seeing how she's changed and whether or not i actually want to be with her anymore. since this "split", she's a changed. i tried to ask her yesterday if we reconciled and got back together if she would stay this way or go back to the old way. she got hosed off at me asking and said she doesn't know how she's gonna be acting in a months time or so and it's not appealing and i am not going to want to be with her if she's acting the way she is. and that interaction was just another in a billion interactions that went poorly, when i felt like i had a genuine question and asked nicely and she immediately jumped on the back foot. [quote="“zen death robot”" post="“476937057”"] You’re a grown rear end man with children. Act like it. Or don’t but that’s on you when they grow up and hate you. [/quote] other friends of mine that have separated talk to me about how they are thriving as people on their own, about how being their own entity really makes them happy. and not in a "now i can party" way, but a "now i can run my life my own way" way. they love single them. [quote="“net cafe scandal”" post="“476937235”"] I think the scariest thing in the world is that you can live for 36 years and still be totally clueless. [/quote] welfare state
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Oct 1, 2017 19:44
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echinopsis posted:and it's not appealing and i am not going to want to be with her if she's acting the way she is. and that interaction was just another in a billion interactions that went poorly, when i felt like i had a genuine question and asked nicely and she immediately jumped on the back foot. what was this "genuine question", just for reference
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Oct 1, 2017 20:31
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i stated it earlier perhaps it wasn't a good question, but it's something i has been thinking about, and it wasn't a loaded question or intended to piss her off, i was curious and wanted to know her thoughts
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Oct 1, 2017 21:22
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echinopsis posted:right now the issue is spending time with my wife and seeing how she's changed and whether or not i actually want to be with her anymore. since this "split", she's a changed. i tried to ask her yesterday if we reconciled and got back together if she would stay this way or go back to the old way. she got hosed off at me asking and said she doesn't know how she's gonna be acting in a months time or so i mean she's getting time away from you as well and it's probably shining a light on some of the issues you were causing in her life that she had not linked to you until some time apart. i wouldn't be surprised if she's short with you for asking about her changing when the changes from her point of view may very well be that she's more aware of your bullshit and has less patience for it. regardless of her reasoning, saying to her "you've been changing for the worse since we separated" to someone who wanted to separate from YOU for changing for the worse is probably not the way to broach that type of question, even if you did indeed have honest intentions.
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Oct 1, 2017 21:38
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echinopsis posted:right now the issue is spending time with my wife and seeing how she's changed and whether or not i actually want to be with her anymore. since this "split", she's a changed. i tried to ask her yesterday if we reconciled and got back together if she would stay this way or go back to the old way. she got hosed off at me asking and said she doesn't know how she's gonna be acting in a months time or so Wtf does “stay this way” mean? And how can you never be independent up to the age of 36?
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Oct 1, 2017 21:44
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Bardeh posted:Dude I think once you're in your 20s your mom is allowed to do what she wants because she's sacrificed 20 years of her life to bring you up. She didn't do it when you were little, and presumably devoted her life to bringing you up. Cut her a little bit of slack here. I don't think he's saying his Mommy abandoned him. He's saying that she handled the divorce in a selfish and destructive manner, and caused more harm than she had to. Divorce is like surgery--it's going to be stressful and hurt like hell, but you should strive to make it as clean, simple, and painless as possible. My father tried to keep my parents' divorce civil, and my mom blew everything up. I was 18 when they finally decided to pull the trigger, so it's not like I needed her, per se, but it sucks to watch one of your parents inflict terrible, vicious, self-centered cruelty on the other. It also sucks to go through adulthood without one of your parents, even if it's because that parent is a psycho. You know, like it would've been nice to have my mom help me make my friend's wedding veil, dance with my oldest brother at his wedding, and just be at all the important events in an adult's life. By the way, Echi, I was thinking about this: echinopsis posted:lol course I didn't brag about it to the counsellor, I just made the point that it wouldn't be a failed [suicide] attempt. Don't be so sure. One of my relatives was an RN who thought she could go quickly and quietly if she put her expertise to use. She suffered terribly for over a week, went into organ failure, and was taken off life support. And considering how confident you were in your ability to pull off an open marriage, I wouldn't bet on your ability to successfully kill yourself without a hitch. Edit: Please don't try to prove me wrong, you stupid, contrary piece of poo poo.
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Oct 1, 2017 22:20
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Burt Sexual posted:Wtf does “stay this way” mean? moved from living with parents into marriage (at age 23) we were christians when married so didn't do living together [quote="“PokeJoe”" post="“476952942”"] i mean she’s getting time away from you as well and it’s probably shining a light on some of the issues you were causing in her life that she had not linked to you until some time apart. i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s short with you for asking about her changing when the changes from her point of view may very well be that she’s more aware of your bullshit and has less patience for it. regardless of her reasoning, saying to her “you’ve been changing for the worse since we separated” to someone who wanted to separate from YOU for changing for the worse is probably not the way to broach that type of question, even if you did indeed have honest intentions. [/quote] it's not her "changing for the worse", and i can totally see she's just being herself with less and less regard for how it makes me feel, but from my perspective, is that what i want to be with? she's long talked about when she gets upset it makes me upset and hence she spends emotional energy on me when it should be me spending it on her. i recognise this is bad. regardless something we've been working on for ages, and largely ties into poor self esteem because at times i feel incapable of feeling ok about myself if other people aren't ok with. so, now she is kinda just being "idgaf how what i do makes you feel", and that's fine, totally her prerogative and i don't really expect her to be any different.. but is that i what i want to be with, with someone who gives no concern for how her actions make me? perhaps as i read this i feel this makes me sound immature or petty.. but idk how i would reconcile living in a relationship where i just don't feel valued or worthy, like it feels now
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Oct 1, 2017 22:47
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Dude, what are you doing with the Quote function that it comes out so jacked up?
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Oct 1, 2017 22:57
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Not going to derail the thread, but my family was already going through some hard times, and it was pretty explicitly "I feel no responsibility to my husband or kids or the life we've made together, it's getting in the way of valuable drinking time," which I'm warning OP is how the kids are going to see it too. My brother was still in high school if it makes you feel better. And maybe the poo poo you've been saying really is just posting persona bravado, Echi, but you posted in the computer problems thread "yeah my wife is leaving me and I want to keep the computer, how much will I have to whore myself out for to afford a replacement for them?" I hope you really are taking this more seriously than you let on, because it sounds like the relationship isn't unrecoverable, you just don't want to put the work in for it. And it is work- dealing with addiction is work, recovering your relationship is work, handling your mental health issues is work, but if you sit back and go "yeah probably couldn't have done anything differently, just easier this way" then you're explicitly choosing alcohol and random hookups over your wife and kids, who should be the most important things in your life. If you really still love and care about your wife as much as you say, loving do something about it, mate! E. quote:so, now she is kinda just being "idgaf how what i do makes you feel", and that's fine, totally her prerogative and i don't really expect her to be any different.. but is that i what i want to be with, with someone who gives no concern for how her actions make me? This is what I mean. She put up with your bullshit for years, finally got fed up and pushed back, and you're acting like she's the bad guy. It's easier to just go "she's changed" than to go "I need to seriously change my behavior because it's driving away the woman I love." A Pinball Wizard fucked around with this message at 23:06 on Oct 1, 2017 |
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Oct 1, 2017 23:02
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But his wife doesn't deepthroat and doesn't care to learn how!
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Oct 1, 2017 23:09
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James Baud posted:But his wife doesn't deepthroat and doesn't care to learn how! Do we know that for sure? What's her job?
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Oct 1, 2017 23:11
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There is something deeply sad about your wife sleeping with another dude and your response being "I guess we're in an open marriage now?" That was the moment when you could have stood up for yourself and your marriage and didn't. No matter what you did or didn't do in the marriage, you didn't deserve having that sprung on you, but a person with a healthy sense of self would have either said "I guess we're getting divorced now" or "never see that guy again and we're going to therapy to save our marriage." Having sex with those other women while still being married was stupid poo poo and you sound like an idiot every time you try and talk about how good it was; those women loving you doesn't mean you have value in their eyes, it just means you're easy and they had low standards. I get it though: if my wife treated me like trash, and I let her do it, I'd be looking for something to make me feel better about myself too.
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Oct 2, 2017 00:06
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echinopsis posted:lol course I didn't brag about it to the counsellor, I just made the point that it wouldn't be a failed attempt. Deepthroating?
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Oct 2, 2017 00:33
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there were less similar deepthroat jokes when i posted ok
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Oct 2, 2017 00:44
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cda posted:There is something deeply sad about your wife sleeping with another dude and your response being "I guess we're in an open marriage now?" That was the moment when you could have stood up for yourself and your marriage and didn't. No matter what you did or didn't do in the marriage, you didn't deserve having that sprung on you, but a person with a healthy sense of self would have either said "I guess we're getting divorced now" or "never see that guy again and we're going to therapy to save our marriage." Having sex with those other women while still being married was stupid poo poo and you sound like an idiot every time you try and talk about how good it was; those women loving you doesn't mean you have value in their eyes, it just means you're easy and they had low standards. I get it though: if my wife treated me like trash, and I let her do it, I'd be looking for something to make me feel better about myself too. He encouraged his wife to sleep with that guy. Which begs several questions, like how disruptive was this crush? What was she doing that you decided it would be best to let her have sex with him? Was she sneaking out to see him? Ignoring you and the kids to talk with him all the time? Comparing you to him constantly, and giving you half-hearted assurances that you're so much better than him, sweetie? Were you two not able to talk about the way her crush was affecting your relationship? Was marriage counseling discussed, or are one/both of you two the type to believe that going to marriage counseling is the same as declaring defeat? Was it really your idea to open the marriage, or did she plant that seed? Did you guys look into the impact of opening your marriage before diving in? WHY did you tell your wife she should gently caress her co-worker?
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Oct 2, 2017 00:49
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