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Eh, I give op props for coming back and defending his SA account from a probe. More than his marriage at the time
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Oct 2, 2017 01:24
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cda posted:There is something deeply sad about your wife sleeping with another dude and your response being "I guess we're in an open marriage now?" That was the moment when you could have stood up for yourself and your marriage and didn't. No matter what you did or didn't do in the marriage, you didn't deserve having that sprung on you, but a person with a healthy sense of self would have either said "I guess we're getting divorced now" or "never see that guy again and we're going to therapy to save our marriage." Having sex with those other women while still being married was stupid poo poo and you sound like an idiot every time you try and talk about how good it was; those women loving you doesn't mean you have value in their eyes, it just means you're easy and they had low standards. I get it though: if my wife treated me like trash, and I let her do it, I'd be looking for something to make me feel better about myself too. mate there are some horrible assumptions in here. i know what it's like to feel low self esteem and worth and feel lovely about things - believe me - but i never ever felt bad about my wife loving another dude. i mean, there was a slight point of contention between us that i appeared to have no jealously. and i know what that jealousy feels like, because i have felt it when my long term fwb would tell me about the other dudes she slept with. i think there was a factor that i so believed that my wife would never leave me for another guy that i just had no sense of risk, the other factor being that maybe i just didn't care what she did. [quote="“A Pinball Wizard”" post="“476955333”"] And maybe the poo poo you’ve been saying really is just posting persona bravado, Echi, but you posted in the computer problems thread “yeah my wife is leaving me and I want to keep the computer, how much will I have to whore myself out for to afford a replacement for them?” I hope you really are taking this more seriously than you let on, because it sounds like the relationship isn’t unrecoverable, you just don’t want to put the work in for it. And it is work- dealing with addiction is work, recovering your relationship is work, handling your mental health issues is work, but if you sit back and go “yeah probably couldn’t have done anything differently, just easier this way” then you’re explicitly choosing alcohol and random hookups over your wife and kids, who should be the most important things in your life. If you really still love and care about your wife as much as you say, loving do something about it, mate! [/quote] well of course on yospos i'm poo poo posting. i had legit question about how do i replace her pc. everything else is just poo poo and rolling with the punches etc quote:
but the final question still remains - is that what i want? is putting a huge amount of effort into always trying to meet her moving goalposts worth it? am i going to be happy? it's not about wanting to drink and gently caress other woman. it's about finding a place and a way in life i'm happy. the longer i see how my wife is going to act if we reconcile the more i see it's going to lead to more of a situation where i hate going to work but i don't want to come home. and i can definitely see that as i grow self esteem, that being at home with her is going to be something i enjoy less and less. we've both agreed that for the kids, they need two happy healthy parents, whether that he togther or apart.
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Oct 2, 2017 01:27
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echinopsis posted:mate there are some horrible assumptions in here. i know what it's like to feel low self esteem and worth and feel lovely about things - believe me - but i never ever felt bad about my wife loving another dude. i mean, there was a slight point of contention between us that i appeared to have no jealously. and i know what that jealousy feels like, because i have felt it when my long term fwb would tell me about the other dudes she slept with. i think there was a factor that i so believed that my wife would never leave me for another guy that i just had no sense of risk, the other factor being that maybe i just didn't care what she did. Are you blaming her? And stop calling me mate.
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Oct 2, 2017 01:32
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[quote="“Bobbie Wickham”" post="“476958188”"] He encouraged his wife to sleep with that guy. Which begs several questions, like how disruptive was this crush? What was she doing that you decided it would be best to let her have sex with him? Was she sneaking out to see him? Ignoring you and the kids to talk with him all the time? Comparing you to him constantly, and giving you half-hearted assurances that you’re so much better than him, sweetie? Were you two not able to talk about the way her crush was affecting your relationship? Was marriage counseling discussed, or are one/both of you two the type to believe that going to marriage counseling is the same as declaring defeat? Was it really your idea to open the marriage, or did she plant that seed? Did you guys look into the impact of opening your marriage before diving in? WHY did you tell your wife she should gently caress her co-worker? [/quote] i encourages her to peruse the crush. sex wise i just didn't care what she did. and as far as i am concerned it's still not place to tell her what she can and can't do, i don't control or own her. i never felt jealousy and we discussed the impact a bit. we made some promises to each other early on, we were allowed to veto any of the others relationships, or call quits at any time and marriage counselling, well, it was like, we need to do this to decide if things are worth it, or at least do it before we decide
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Oct 2, 2017 01:34
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[quote="“Burt Sexual”" post="“476959192”"] Are you blaming her? And stop calling me mate. [/quote] blaming her for what? she is who she is, and of late she is feeling freer and freer to be that outwardly. do i want to be with her? there is no blame here. i wouldn't rather that she hide who she is to make life easier for me, i want her to be her and for her to be happy. i might have to accept that her doing that makes her someone i don't want to be with. this doesn't mean i don't love her or respect her
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Oct 2, 2017 01:36
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I meant, did you guys try counseling before you gave her the greenlight to gently caress this guy? What was it that made you decide that it would be constructive to your marriage? Did you honestly NEVER give a gently caress if she slept with other people before her crush on her co-worker? I'm trying to understand what led up to the moment you said, "Sweetie, you should have sex with this guy." And for gently caress's sake, learn how to use the Quote button right.
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Oct 2, 2017 01:43
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If I pointed out how someone was attractive and my partner was like like go ahead and gently caress them in all seriousness no really I'm fine go do it, I would feel like they didn't place much value on my relation to them or didn't think what we had was special if they thought it was as casual as getting a snowcone.
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Oct 2, 2017 01:51
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the way you're writing it sounds like you've both decided that it's over, echi.  correct me if I'm wrong.so what's next? mostly asking this with an eye to the kids and whether you're considering ways to stay active in their lives on a near daily basis if you don't live with them.
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Oct 2, 2017 02:05
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be good and try hard! 
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Bobbie Wickham posted:I meant, did you guys try counseling before you gave her the greenlight to gently caress this guy? What was it that made you decide that it would be constructive to your marriage? Did you honestly NEVER give a gently caress if she slept with other people before her crush on her co-worker? I'm trying to understand what led up to the moment you said, "Sweetie, you should have sex with this guy." idk how to fix awful.app sorry and no, because we didn't have any issues at the time. none that stood out anyway. we were affectionate, loving, caring, plenty of sex, when we had fights we would apologise, and work how to change. i wasn't really even drinking that much then and the issue had never come up before except for us talking about threesomes as a fantasy [quote="“emoji”" post="“476959720”"] If I pointed out how someone was attractive and my partner was like like go ahead and gently caress them in all seriousness no really I’m fine go do it, I would feel like they didn’t place much value on my relation to them or didn’t think what we had was special if they thought it was as casual as getting a snowcone. [/quote] maybe? idk what to say, i just didn't care. maybe that says a lot or maybe it doesn't but that's how i felt
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Oct 2, 2017 02:06
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Why did you have kids with this woman?
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Oct 2, 2017 02:17
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Do you think perhaps your indifferent attitude to your wife wanting to gently caress another guy might've come across in other areas of your relationship and maybe there were only no issues on your end? It just doesn't really match up imo
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Oct 2, 2017 02:27
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emoji posted:If I pointed out how someone was attractive and my partner was like like go ahead and gently caress them in all seriousness no really I'm fine go do it, I would feel like they didn't place much value on my relation to them or didn't think what we had was special if they thought it was as casual as getting a snowcone. echinopsis posted:maybe? idk what to say, i just didn't care. maybe that says a lot or maybe it doesn't but that's how i felt you come off exactly as glib and uncaring to your wife as you do here, even if you don't realize it. i know i've said that already but it got ignored and every post you make convinces me further
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Oct 2, 2017 02:31
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Okay, I'm still struggling with the timeline, so help me out. How did the topic of your wife's crush on her coworker come up? What was going on that you guys decided to rearrange your entire concept of marriage and throw monogamy out the window? What made you decide that she should sleep with him as opposed to, say, avoiding him as much as possible and letting the crush for a natural death?
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Oct 2, 2017 02:33
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op have these feelings of not caring about anything always been there or are they something that gets brought on by depression? has anyone ever told you irl that they think you're a sociopath?
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Oct 2, 2017 02:34
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[quote="“Bobbie Wickham”" post="“476960910”"] Okay, I’m still struggling with the timeline, so help me out. How did the topic of your wife’s crush on her coworker come up? What was going on that you guys decided to rearrange your entire concept of marriage and throw monogamy out the window? What made you decide that she should sleep with him as opposed to, say, avoiding him as much as possible and letting the crush for a natural death? [/quote] so the reason she told be about the crush in the first place was because she wanted to be entirely hundred percent up front about having a crush on another dude, expecting me to say "well, thanks for telling me, now stay the gently caress away from him". only because i felt completely safe in my relationship i said "persue it" because at the end of the day i knew she wouldn't leave me for him and we were open minded enough to leave the church so what was a good thing, maybe having an open mind about ideas like monogamy was good too. maybe it's been a good thing for us too like everyone in here telling me to fight to stay together - why? why not "fight for what makes both of you happy"
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Oct 2, 2017 03:00
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I know I've said this before, but what exactly would you be sacrificing if you stayed together with your wife? Some vague concept of "freedom" I guess but has your wife outlined what changes she'd like to see from you? What are they? Would it really make your life miserable to make these changes?
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Oct 2, 2017 03:08
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it's that day to day feeling of being happy i am thinking i will sacrifice
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Oct 2, 2017 03:21
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[quote="“little munchkin”" post="“476960953”"] op have these feelings of not caring about anything always been there or are they something that gets brought on by depression? has anyone ever told you irl that they think you’re a sociopath? [/quote] lol no never [quote="“net cafe scandal”" post="“476960476”"] Why did you have kids with this woman? [/quote] we were 26 and very much in love [quote="“Hug in a Can”" post="“476960101”"] the way you’re writing it sounds like you’ve both decided that it’s over, echi. correct me if I’m wrong.so what’s next? mostly asking this with an eye to the kids and whether you’re considering ways to stay active in their lives on a near daily basis if you don’t live with them. [/quote] i'm coming close to that decision because it's becoming harder and harder to see how we can reconcile it with her and i staying happy and yes kids a priority for sure. in all our conversations
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Oct 2, 2017 03:23
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CharlestonJew posted:I know I've said this before, but what exactly would you be sacrificing if you stayed together with your wife? Some vague concept of "freedom" I guess but has your wife outlined what changes she'd like to see from you? What are they? Would it really make your life miserable to make these changes? This is an impossibility naieve idea and a pointless set of questions. You can never go back because resentment can be understood but there is a limit to what is forgiven. His wife should walk.
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Oct 2, 2017 03:23
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echinopsis posted:like everyone in here telling me to fight to stay together - why? why not "fight for what makes both of you happy" We're telling you to put some effort into your marriage before you decide to throw it away. You haven't done a drat thing to save your relationship; you guys haven't even actually separated. You're being lazy, and you gave up before you even started. You just take the path of least resistance, it shows. Wife is attracted to another man? Talking about it and trusting her to be faithful is too haaaaaaard. Let's just open up the marriage so we won't have to have that conversation again! Double standards with the open marriage? I'll just keep on keeping on, it's not like this is an issue that could come up again in any aspect of our marriage ever! Depressed, drinking a lot and chronically unemployed? Not a problem if I don't think about it! Time to go pick up some strange to drown out any doubts and worries I have about my decisions. Going to marriage counseling? Welp, as long as I don't have to actually think about why we're on the brink of a divorce! Hey, doc, check out my plan for an EPIC suicide! Getting a separation so we can have the time and space to think about what's going on, but fuuuuuuuuck actually separating, I'ma just buy a new computer, that's the same as moving out and working through this ordeal.
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Oct 2, 2017 03:23
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How can you say your kids are your priority when what you want is to be out until whenever with nobody knowing where you are, or caring, and to have no responsibilities? Like do you not get those are opposites? Woooooo partytime you is dead regardless of what happens with your marriage. It isn't your decision. You can't be hard-drugs-and-one-night-stands guy when you have children who rely on you. If you guys do get divorced, you're actually probably going to have a lot less free fun time because she won't be picking up your slack anymore.
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Oct 2, 2017 04:02
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i like nice words
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It sounds like you don't give a gently caress about your wife in general and she senses that.
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Oct 2, 2017 04:06
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Anne Whateley posted:How can you say your kids are your priority when what you want is to be out until whenever with nobody knowing where you are, or caring, and to have no responsibilities? Like do you not get those are opposites? gently caress you for ever thinking she picked up my slack buddy. i've put the kids to bed, and gotten them up and fed them, and made them lunches and taken them to school and picked them up so much more than she ever has. i used to get a sleep in less than every two months while she did virtually every single day where she didn't start work early. i also did more than my fair share of the housework. there are some jobs around the house she never did once.
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Oct 2, 2017 04:25
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Sorry for thinking that alcoholism, depression, and trying to get with dozens of randos could have cut into your time with your kids. So you are gonna seek primary custody? Anne Whateley fucked around with this message at 04:33 on Oct 2, 2017 |
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Oct 2, 2017 04:30
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i never said i was alcoholic, others did and tell me how spending one evening a week away from the house (with a "rando", which a rude exaggeration) is any different time was compared to maybe playing indoor sport time-wise? you people make some wild assumptions about what my existence actually looks like and no we all both always want equal custody
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Oct 2, 2017 05:05
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"rando" is not a rude exaggeration when you literally make lists like thisechinopsis posted:ladies on and around
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Oct 2, 2017 05:09
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ie, people i talked to for a long time before i slept with them. nothing even close to a one night stand, or sleeping with a random and three of those people i am still in contact with, and one has become a very good friend must just be lovely randos tho
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Oct 2, 2017 05:16
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You know, if you think we make too many assumptions and aren't doing you justice, then lay it out on the table. We can only go by what you tell us. And Anne is right, the time you spent on those women, including talking to them to figure out if you wanted to sleep with them, was time you didn't spend on your kids. I still don't quite understand why you suggested your wife sleep with that guy. Like, you started out with telling her it wasn't a big deal that she had a crush on him, you trust her, and you know she'll always come home to you, and you could've stopped there. So, why did you make the leap straight to an open marriage? It makes me think that you suggested it so you could get your own action on the side. And conveniently, if things go wrong, you can point the finger at her and say, She started it. I know, that's a lot of presumptions, so feel free to set the record straight.
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Oct 2, 2017 05:57
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echinopsis posted:ie, people i talked to for a long time before i slept with them. nothing even close to a one night stand, or sleeping with a random b) you can't spend 25 pages classifying tons of women by age, job, and willingness to deepthroat, and then act incredibly offended we aren't discussing your deep emotional connections with all of them c) ultimately I doooon't caaaaare if they're randos or besties. You focus on one sentence or one word because it allows you to ignore the entire rest of the post, including the point
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Oct 2, 2017 06:18
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echinopsis posted:like everyone in here telling me to fight to stay together - why? why not "fight for what makes both of you happy" you have admitted that you do not yet know whether you want to stay with your wife or divorce her. you do not seem to be putting in effort to fixing your mental health state, which is (arguably) the source of the marital troubles. even if you ultimately decide to go your separate ways, you STILL NEED TO WORK ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. additionally, by not doing anything to work on yourself, you are de facto going to be divorced since you aren't even putting in effort when you know the split might be a permanent thing and you don't even know if you want that yet. the actions that are necessary to convince your wife that you want to work things out with her are the same actions that will be required of you if you ever wish to get your mental health status into a point where you are fully comfortable living within your own skin. additionally, by not doing anything to work on it, you're putting yourself in a situation where things are going to be decided for you and this is not a small portion of your life that you are ceding any input in. gently caress echi, if you don't do poo poo and she decides she wants a divorce at the end of the trial separation and you realize 2, 5, 10 years down the road that you done hosed up, there's no going back. at least put enough effort in right now towards getting yourself in a healthy mental state that you will never for a second doubt whether or not the split was mutual, even in your low self-esteem bad mental health days 10 years from now. no working on yourself right now is a decision in itself to cede the marriage/divorce decision to your wife when you aren't even working on the staying married option. you can't be neutral on a moving train, not working on yourself is deciding to be divorced when you haven't yet fully decided that's what you want mate................ put some more effort in.
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Oct 2, 2017 08:48
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Echi, my sister and I did family counseling a couple years ago, because despite being on our thirties, we were fighting with each other like teenagers. We had regular appointments with a PsyD, and quite a few fights between sessions. It was about six months of work, crying, self-examination, and making active changes in our dynamic. Now we're closer than ever, even though she lives across the state. SIX MONTHS and active work that requires maintenance, and I wouldn't take any of that back. That's why we're telling you not to just go limp and let your marriage end without a fight. People here know the value of actively participating in therapy, and that it can take a while to see the results. If you put as much effort into your marriage and you did into screening your gently caress friends, you might be able to create a new, healthy relationship with your wife. Now I have to go text my sister and ask for suggestions on my Halloween costume. ( I'm thinking Tina Belcher, it's comfortable and work-appropriate.)
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Oct 2, 2017 13:14
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this thread got dark
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Oct 2, 2017 16:50
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An open marriage going horribly wrong? Who'da thunk?
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Oct 2, 2017 17:58
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obv some things to think about. might actually respond later
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Oct 2, 2017 19:38
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echinopsis posted:obv some things to think about. might actually respond later As long as this thread is active, you WILL respond later. Check the E/N rules in the stickied thread if you're confused.
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Oct 2, 2017 19:42
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Bobbie Wickham posted:As long as this thread is active, you WILL respond later. Check the E/N rules in the stickied thread if you're confused. hey OP get a load of this fiery redhead 
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Oct 2, 2017 19:47
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p sure Bobbie would bite his dick off
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Oct 2, 2017 21:12
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Treating depression and self-loathing by chasing external validation from a stream of sexual partners has been tried before by uncountable millions. It failed for them and it will fail for you. Not sure what you should do? Go back to couple's therapy: it's the therapists job to help you both decide what you're going to do. In fact, they should have told you both at the beginning that the process is not about staying together and honestly confronting your problems could naturally lead to divorce.
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Oct 2, 2017 21:13
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i actually feel really good today ergo : sayonara depression but honestly like people have been calling me an alcoholic, one night stands, hard drugs, wtf??
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Oct 2, 2017 22:28
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| # ? May 29, 2024 15:55 |
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Why do people say I have one-night stands just because I try to get with dozens of women, gently caress some as soon as we meet, and run to the thread to brag about every detail Why do people say I'm an alcoholic just because I drink more and more and it's affecting my relationships Why do people say I do hard drugs just because I brag about doing class A drugs to seem like a hard man wtf??
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Oct 2, 2017 22:42
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