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Going to ask the important question here, are you going to burn the broken chair?
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Dec 13, 2017 00:52
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MF_James posted:Going to ask the important question here, are you going to burn the broken chair? Sure, and I'm gonna make a hamster spit roast on it. 
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Dec 13, 2017 01:07
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GAY 4 ORGANS
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DO NOT SMOKE THE CHAIR. OR THE HAMSTER. 
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Dec 13, 2017 01:13
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A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:Not everything is bad though, Dario the kid seems okay (though there is no reliable way to verify this) and he forked over the rent money that Mario spent - basically paying TWO rents for November. The damage in the apartment is minimal, and I feel that it's Dario who is the "hosed party" here, not me. This sounds like an actual miracle, given your stories up to this point. I assume Dario has wads of rent money hanging around because he's a completely reliable straight shooter with a normal job and will not in any way contribute to the slow-motion insanity that is your life. I used to think I'd send you a care package one day, with a few necessities, and maybe a knick-knack or two, but it doesn't seem like you need anything, these days. Hell, with your properties and inheritances and tenants who actually pay rent, you're probably better off than I am. If poo poo goes bad again in a year or two, quote this, and I'll send you a box of cool things.
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Dec 13, 2017 07:19
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Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:This sounds like an actual miracle, given your stories up to this point. I assume Dario has wads of rent money hanging around because he's a completely reliable straight shooter with a normal job and will not in any way contribute to the slow-motion insanity that is your life. We'll see how the situation will unfold. You're right about my life being insanity in slow motion but it's been this way for such a long time that I'm completely used to it.  Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:I used to think I'd send you a care package one day, with a few necessities, and maybe a knick-knack or two, but it doesn't seem like you need anything, these days. Hell, with your properties and inheritances and tenants who actually pay rent, you're probably better off than I am. If poo poo goes bad again in a year or two, quote this, and I'll send you a box of cool things. It's not about money or material value of the things I got - Mr. Millow sent me a box of cool things and awesome craft beers, which I've shared with Mr. Weed, cementing our friendship. This meant so much to him, the guy literally started crying one time when we drank together - hey, I just wanted to share the beer with a good friend. So basically it is mr. Millow who is "responsible"  for the fact that Mr Weed and I have become best friends. If you wanna, you can send us some craft beers as well, and you know that they will be appreciated. Just a hint.
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Dec 15, 2017 20:12
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A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:
awwww That actually warms the cockles of my heart.
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Dec 16, 2017 14:15
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Merry Christmas SFB . Any good Christmas tales you can share?
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Dec 25, 2017 17:41
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[quote="A SWEATY FATBEARD" post=""479378835”"] It's not about money or material value of the things I got - Mr. Millow sent me a box of cool things and awesome craft beers, which I've shared with Mr. Weed, cementing our friendship. This meant so much to him, the guy literally started crying one time when we drank together - hey, I just wanted to share the beer with a good friend. So basically it is mr. Millow who is "responsible" for the fact that Mr Weed and I have become best friends. If you wanna, you can send us some craft beers as well, and you know that they will be appreciated. Just a hint. [/quote] Why do you think he cried? Was it just the way people sometimes get weepy when they drink, or was it because something like a craft beer was out of his reach, or a reminder of easier times, or just that he had so little good going on in his life that he was overcome, or ...? Mailing heavy things, like bottles of beer, internationally is expensive. Sending candies and cards and things of that nature is much less expensive on a per-item basis. You can fit many more smaller, lighter objects into the same box for the same cost. Maybe that’s just me, though. My Christmas favorite was always the stocking. I would reach in over and over again, each time grasping some oddly shaped lump, and pulling it out to reveal a toy car, or a small rubber dinosaur, or some candies, or a scented eraser, or a travel-sized mouthwash, or some stickers, some of them wrapped, some of them not. I was never going to get any of the big expensive gifts that a lot of the other kids got, but that didn’t matter. I can’t really remember any of the big gifts I didn’t receive, but I sure do remember those oddly shaped lumps. Those stockings or what I’ve had in mind when I’ve idly considered sending you packages as I’ve read your stories over the years. It seems a bit less special now, because it seems like you don’t need the stockings anymore. You can buy your own curiosities, now. I’m rambling. I could probably send you a beer or two if it will brighten yours and Mr. Weed’s days, but it seems kind of pedestrian.
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Dec 30, 2017 08:38
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Dr.Caligari posted:Merry Christmas SFB . Any good Christmas tales you can share? Not really. Christmas for me means a lack of drugs, withdrawal and general panic and freakout. Needless to say, I don't like Christmas much for obvious reasons. Veni Vidi Ameche! posted:Why do you think he cried? Was it just the way people sometimes get weepy when they drink, or was it because something like a craft beer was out of his reach, or a reminder of easier times, or just that he had so little good going on in his life that he was overcome, or ...? It's the gesture that matters. Imagine getting a few cans of fine beer from THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GODDAMN PLANET and then sharing the gift with a person who is dear to you. This simple gesture moved my friend to tears. If you'd like to send us some beers, don't send glass bottles as they are heavy and fragile - aluminum cans are the thing. Besides, getting fan mail is a wonderful thing, doesn't matter how you look at it. I have a weird story about me vacationing in the warzone back in 1992 or 1993, but I'll write it down when I pull myself together; I got my grubby druggie paws on some pregabalin and I'm wrecked to the point where I can barely type. But I promise that the story won't be disappointing. I just need to sleep this off and then I'll write you a helluva story.
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Dec 30, 2017 20:40
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A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:
Waiting with bated breath
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Dec 31, 2017 22:45
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Just a quickie, the repairs and upgrades on property C (where Mario and Dario used to live) are proceeding well and on schedule - today for example, I'm getting a new refrigerator delivered. I'm softly trolling Mario who screwed me over. See, the power is still in his name, and I'm carrying my laundry over and washing it with his electricity.  Now that we're on laundry, I have a lot of it because in the past few days I've been peeing the bed like clockwork. It's not just the sheets that get wet, the woolen blanket is guaranteed to get some as well. I think this is related to the Pregabalin overdose because I haven't been peeing the bed since I became a big boy, at 29 years of age. 
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Jan 9, 2018 06:49
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Oh yeah, almost forgot this one. Two days ago the Roach Tower once again almost ended up in flames. I was cooking a few sausages, and as you'd naturally expect from me, I of course passed out and didn't wake up until extreme stench kickstarted me out of bed. I woke up and was like gently caress, what's with all the smoke and smell? The visibility around me was less than two feet. It then dawned on me "ah poo poo I was cooking" so I rushed to the kitchen and turned off the gas, then opened all the windows. Fun fact: did you know that burnt sausages look like turds? My apartment is going to stink for a long time. 
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Jan 9, 2018 06:57
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A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:I have a weird story about me vacationing in the warzone back in 1992 or 1993 Eyes are popping out of my head but then again you're alive to type this. Stay safe!
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Jan 9, 2018 09:02
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I think you should start cooking your food only in things that use timers like microwaves or toaster ovens.
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Jan 10, 2018 04:37
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A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:I'm softly trolling Mario who screwed me over. See, the power is still in his name, and I'm carrying my laundry over and washing it with his electricity. Croatia: exposing your freshly washed laundry to drugborne piss
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Jan 10, 2018 19:04
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I've had run of the mill rakija, and it's intense, but never in my life will I gently caress with ouzo again.
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Jan 11, 2018 00:24
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Did you drink it with a splash of icy water so it turns cloudy/milky, if not - you hosed up.
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Jan 12, 2018 07:38
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SaltyJesus posted:Did you drink it with a splash of icy water so it turns cloudy/milky, if not - you hosed up. Yes, it had ice in it which melted and turned it milky. But in no way a hair of the dog breakfast drink. hosed my whole day up.
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Jan 13, 2018 21:18
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A Sweaty Fatbeard, I've just read your thread since the beginning and I'm a big fan! You're great! Could I send you a care package of some gifts, like Millow did? If you PM me your address, I'll send some goodies along.
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Jan 14, 2018 18:52
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Dick Bastardly posted:I've had run of the mill rakija, and it's intense, but never in my life will I gently caress with ouzo again. this kinda came out of nowhere but maybe I’m missing something, anyway, Ouzo appreciation hits peak levels after lunchtime imo. On hot days, a 1:4 ouzo:cold water mix and a simple salad with cheese make for a great afternoon. ASF, hope you’re doing well, I’d be worried if anyone other than you posted so casually about blacking out, ODing, cooking antics, etc.
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Jan 28, 2018 23:32
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I'm gonna keep this post short because I'm blasted to the point where I can barely type. I found some lady at the flea market who is dealing bigtime. Look how many valiums I got from her: Of course, I got a shitload of opiates from her as well, and I'm gonna use these valiums for the inevitable crash and comedown because I'm hooked on the sauce again. Fun times are ahead. As far as cooking is concerned, I cooked up a huge pot of beans while managing NOT to burn them. They were cooked very well and tasty, but then I made a mistake by falling asleep and leaving the pot on the counter instead of putting it into the fridge, and all the beans went bad and I had to toss them. Shame. Anyway, I know I promised a lot of stories but I'm currently too hosed up to write coherently. Even this post is probably cringeworthy, but hell. I just wanted to chime in and say that I'm still alive and kicking. .........I also bought myself a Serbian radio set from the 1970s and the thing is working like a tank. I love it.
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Feb 2, 2018 18:05
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Does the radio play the remove kebab song on all channels?
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Feb 2, 2018 20:19
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spankmeister posted:Does the radio play the remove kebab song on all channels? Not really, I'm listening to Radio Sljeme which is a station for fat people
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Feb 2, 2018 22:54
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I do the weirdest poo poo when I'm high. I bought an old radio set at the flea market - the set worked but had some small issues which I decided to repair. Naturally, I was high as poo poo and I only managed to trash the radio set. I bought twelve D batteries for the radio and now I don't know what to do with them. I then sent a text message to my friend doggo lady, offering to donate D batteries for her dildo. She was loving floored. Said that her mighty machine only takes AA batteries, and I'm still stuck with these D batteries which are in fact pretty expensive. I don't know what to do with them. 
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Feb 2, 2018 23:38
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Take them to the flea market and trade them for more Valium, of course
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Feb 2, 2018 23:40
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Smoke the batteries. (P.S. Do not smoke the batteries!)
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Feb 2, 2018 23:50
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They're the wrong kind of batteries to make meth with so you're SOL
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Feb 2, 2018 23:52
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Gotta be honest I'm surprised that battery sizes are so standardized
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Feb 3, 2018 01:37
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We don't actually know that though. A Croatian D cell could be the size of a car battery, which then raises the question about the size of Croatian vibrators.
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Feb 3, 2018 02:47
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Which leads us to your Croatian counterpart, Vagina Trauma
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Feb 3, 2018 03:07
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Did you sleep for three days straight or something? It takes time for beans to go from freshly made to spoiled.
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Feb 3, 2018 03:53
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Doctor Malaver posted:Did you sleep for three days straight or something? It takes time for beans to go from freshly made to spoiled. "Sleep" is the word Beardo uses to describe "being knocked out unconscious while those sweet, sweet opioids course through my ravaged body". Who's the doggo lady and why do you know she has a dildo? steady fucked around with this message at 04:26 on Feb 3, 2018 |
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Feb 3, 2018 04:24
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steady posted:"Sleep" is the word Beardo uses to describe "being knocked out unconscious while those sweet, sweet opioids course through my ravaged body". This. I cooked up a pot of stew for dinner but ended up passing out around 11pm. I woke up by myself at 4:30 in the morning only to discover that my stew had congealed into a rubbery mass which was beyond gross and I had to throw it away. As far as beans are concerned, I think I slept for 50 hours straight and by the time I woke up, the beans had a suspicious smell and I didn't want to risk getting food poisoning because I'm already taking meds against chronic diarrhea and I didn't need this poo vector as well. steady posted:Who's the doggo lady and why do you know she has a dildo? That's the woman who has a house on the hillside where Mr weed and I manually excavated the rubble from the back side of her house. I randomly assumed she has a dildo because she's a party type of a girl, despite being in her mid thirties and being a mother of two. I guess she never grew out from that "party gurl" phase (thus the CPS who wanted to take her kids)
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Feb 3, 2018 05:10
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Here's the mighty boat anchor Serbian radio and some "D" batteries. Yes in fact the battery sizes are standardized around the globe, would you believe it? 
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Feb 3, 2018 05:21
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Anyways, I'm gonna tell you what happened in the past few weeks concerning Property C (where Mario and Dario used to live). Dario bailed out and took the hamster, thank goodness, and then I got a new tenant, a woman with a puppy. She agreed to pay 240 euros per month for the apartment because I'm one of the very, very few landlords who allow larger pets such as dogs and cats. Her name is Marina - and so far so good. As far as Mario's bills are concerned, I simply transferred the ownership of the electrical connection to Marina and told the power company to immediately send a foreclosure to Mario. It just ain't my problem. I also trolled the kid by washing a shitload of laundry in Property C using HIS electricity which he is gonna have to pay now. That's because he left me a $90 internet bill, gently caress him, the little poo poo.
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Feb 3, 2018 05:50
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Also, forgot to mention, the radio has a wonderful sound because it has a wooden cabinet (which makes it heavy like a boat anchor) My favorite station for fat people plays lullaby-type music after 11PM, that's probably why I dozed off.
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Feb 3, 2018 06:08
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A SWEATY FATBEARD posted:Here's the mighty boat anchor Serbian radio and some "D" batteries. Yes in fact the battery sizes are standardized around the globe, would you believe it? haha that's an Elektronska Industrija Niš radio, I'm pretty sure
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Feb 3, 2018 06:22
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SaltyJesus posted:haha that's an Elektronska Industrija Niš radio, I'm pretty sure  It's a classic Ei product, it has a thousand functions, none of which work as you'd expect. It took me two whole hours just to figure out how to program the alarm on the radio. There are still some buttons which I don't understand.
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Feb 3, 2018 06:36
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That's just what beans do if you let them sit in water. They weren't bad they just got all mushy and released their starch. I'd definitely buy that radio in a stupor as well, it rules.
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Feb 3, 2018 07:35
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steady posted:"Sleep" is the word Beardo uses to describe "being knocked out unconscious while those sweet, sweet opioids course through my ravaged body". Dunno about ASF, but if I nod out/fall asleep (like legit fall asleep) for anything longer than like 5 minutes and my high is completely gone.
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Feb 3, 2018 11:17
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