shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Mr. Bad Guy: Jun 28, 2006

The real issue with "no problem" it's that it's cultural appropriation. My wife's family didn't sneak into the country so that I could whitewash "de nada". They are a proud hard-working people with a rich heritage.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 14:09

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# ? May 13, 2024 04:25

TacticalHoodie: May 7, 2007

RNG posted:

Dear mom, ganked a pack of smokes from you.

YOLO, Dylan

I ate one of my grandfather's smoke as a 7 year old kid because I thought they were Popeye Candy Sticks but adult-sized. He laughed as I vomited all over the floor. My Mom forced him to keep his smokes in his car afterwards.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 15:22

McGurk: Oct 20, 2004; Cuz life sucks, kids. Get it while you can.

Mr. Bad Guy posted:

The real issue with "no problem" it's that it's cultural appropriation. My wife's family didn't sneak into the country so that I could whitewash "de nada". They are a proud hard-working people with a rich heritage.

No wall, no problemo

# ? Feb 6, 2018 16:27

Comptroll The Forums: Apr 25, 2007; DON'T HURT MY FEE FEES!

axolotl farmer posted:

How about some saccharine and schmaltz backed up by the world's neatest handwriting from a 7-yo boy?

"Dammit, my adult woman handwriting doesn't look at all like a seven-year-old boy's! What can I do to fix this?"

*haphazardly tears a corner off the paper*

"Perfect."

# ? Feb 6, 2018 17:19

Jurgan: May 8, 2007; Just pour it directly into your gaping mouth-hole you decadent slut

Comptroll The Forums posted:

When people thank me I fall to my knees and insist that I am not worthy of their gratitude before falling forward and sobbingly begging for forgiveness.

Fun fact: The French word for thank you is "merci" because after doing a favor for someone they can force you to do something in return, so you're asking for mercy against them making you do something unpleasant.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 17:49

DavidAlltheTime: Feb 14, 2008; All David...all the TIME!

Whiskey A Go Go! posted:

I ate one of my grandfather's smoke as a 7 year old kid because I thought they were Popeye Candy Sticks but adult-sized. He laughed as I vomited all over the floor. My Mom forced him to keep his smokes in his car afterwards.

You didn't notice you were holding a paper tube, then eating a paper tube, and the tube was filled with little bitter bits and a filter? You still ate it?

# ? Feb 6, 2018 17:50

The General: Mar 4, 2007

DavidAlltheTime posted:

You didn't notice you were holding a paper tube, then eating a paper tube, and the tube was filled with little bitter bits and a filter? You still ate it?

Kids are loving dumb.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 18:10

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

My mum used to be a heavy smoker. Would smoke a pack a day, easily. She tried quitting several times, even asked us to hide the cigarettes. It never worked.
Then someone recommended Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking to her, and that's done it for her. After smoking for 25 years, she just went cold turkey and doesn't smoke to this day. This book is loving magic.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 18:41

THE BIG DOG DADDY: Oct 16, 2013; Rasheed was, with Aliases, the top 7 PvPers in Bone Krew.

No one talks about this.

Paladinus posted:

My mum used to be a heavy smoker. Would smoke a pack a day, easily. She tried quitting several times, even asked us to hide the cigarettes. It never worked.
Then someone recommended Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking to her, and that's done it for her. After smoking for 25 years, she just went cold turkey and doesn't smoke to this day. This book is loving magic.

Is the book just one sentence saying "don't buy any more cigarettes and stop smoking them"?

# ? Feb 6, 2018 18:48

Twitch: Apr 15, 2003; by Fluffdaddy

Paladinus posted:

My mum used to be a heavy smoker. Would smoke a pack a day, easily. She tried quitting several times, even asked us to hide the cigarettes. It never worked.
Then someone recommended Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking to her, and that's done it for her. After smoking for 25 years, she just went cold turkey and doesn't smoke to this day. This book is loving magic.

I haven't smoked (or used any nicotine products) in 2 or 3 years, and that book also did it for me. The book, and also the ever present thought that I threw out like 200 bucks of vaping equipment when I quit for good, and if I start again it's like I just flushed all that money down the toilet.

THE BIG DOG DADDY posted:

Is the book just one sentence saying "don't buy any more cigarettes and stop smoking them"?

Basically, but with short motivational speaker-esque anecdotes between those sentences.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 18:51

stringless: Dec 28, 2005; keyboard ⌨️ cowboy

THE BIG DOG DADDY posted:

Is the book just one sentence saying "don't buy any more cigarettes and stop smoking them"?

it's also got some good stuff about how to mentally approach quitting

I read it a few years ago, it worked for about a month before I backslid

# ? Feb 6, 2018 19:02

snoo: Jul 5, 2007

haha I wish that simply asking nicely would've convinced my parents to stop smoking a pack a day for my entire pre-adult life but instead they told me that the smell wasn't real and it's not harmful

# ? Feb 7, 2018 02:55

Seventh Arrow: Jan 26, 2005

When I was a kid, I nagged my Mom into quitting smoking. I was a relentlessly whiny twerp.

Then again, her older sister is now dying of lung cancer :stare:

# ? Feb 7, 2018 03:14

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

"people saying kids are heartless"

holy moley lol

# ? Feb 7, 2018 03:25

rchandra: Apr 30, 2013

Paladinus posted:

After smoking for 25 years, she just went cold turkey and doesn't smoke to this day.

I was disappointed but less confused when I learned that the cold turkey method wasn't substituting turkey for cigarettes.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 03:37

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Ibblebibble posted:

I've just appropriated the Australian "No worries" and given myself a new problem.

I'm worse. I tend to say "No wahala" (accent on the second syllable - It's Nigerian-American pidgin. Wahala is like headache and stress and worry all rolled into one). Actually, nobody's said anything about it. They just sort of smile at the sound of the word.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 05:45

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Katt posted:

I had an unfortunate acquaintance who celebrated 24 hours drug free. A few days later he stopped counting and then never talked about it again.

It reminds me of this third party situation you can get into. When someone (most commonly) quits smoking, and you're trying to be all supportive and then when they start smoking again. You have to act like nothing but still somehow be able to channel enthusiasm the next year when they quit smoking again.

Like psychological second hand smoke.

Or worse, like back when I was married. I was trying to quit and had gone all day. I was hanging on by my fingernails when my wife looks at me and says "Jesus, you're being an rear end in a top hat. Wait, you haven't had a cigarette all day! Let me go get you some...", gets up, puts her coat on and heads out the door.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 05:48

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

Twitch posted:

I haven't smoked (or used any nicotine products) in 2 or 3 years, and that book also did it for me. The book, and also the ever present thought that I threw out like 200 bucks of vaping equipment when I quit for good, and if I start again it's like I just flushed all that money down the toilet.

I quit about a decade ago and honestly couldn't afford to smoke now. In Australia a pack of 25s is about $35 dollars and a carton's about $230*.

It hasn't done much to stop people smoking, but it's certainly changed the crime rate.

* I would like to thank online retailer iFag for helping me find the prices.

Megillah Gorilla has a new favorite as of 06:29 on Feb 7, 2018

# ? Feb 7, 2018 06:27

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Gorilla Salad posted:

I quit about a decade ago and honestly couldn't afford to smoke now. In Australia a pack of 25s is about $35 dollars and a carton's about $230*.

It hasn't done much to stop people smoking, but it's certainly changed the crime rate.

* I would like to thank online retailer iFag for helping me find the prices.

As in, more people robbing and stealing to pay for the Marlboros?

# ? Feb 7, 2018 09:10

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

Yep. Armed robberies and break ins where they don't want what's in the register or safe, just the ciggies.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 09:46

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Australia is the only place I've seen some vagrant picking through a bin for cigarette ends and been like, ok here I get it, at least.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 11:56

Former DILF: Jul 13, 2017

see thats why we should abort all kids

# ? Feb 7, 2018 12:06

Comptroll The Forums: Apr 25, 2007; DON'T HURT MY FEE FEES!

Samizdata posted:

Or worse, like back when I was married. I was trying to quit and had gone all day. I was hanging on by my fingernails when my wife looks at me and says "Jesus, you're being an rear end in a top hat. Wait, you haven't had a cigarette all day! Let me go get you some...", gets up, puts her coat on and heads out the door.

Buddy, it's been three years. She's not coming back with cigarettes.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 19:29

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Comptroll The Forums posted:

Buddy, it's been three years. She's not coming back with cigarettes.

She did come back. We got divorced two years later. :sigh:

# ? Feb 7, 2018 21:56

Field Mousepad: Mar 21, 2010; BAE

rchandra posted:

I was disappointed but less confused when I learned that the cold turkey method wasn't substituting turkey for cigarettes.

Well why can't it be?

# ? Feb 7, 2018 22:12

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Field Mousepad posted:

Well why can't it be?

Doesn't burn worth a drat?

# ? Feb 7, 2018 22:31

Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

Field Mousepad posted:

Well why can't it be?

Well now you're just replacing lung disease with heart disease

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:11

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

Samizdata posted:

Doesn't burn worth a drat?

Well, they don't call it hot turkey.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:11

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

lukewarm turkey method

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:47

PST: Jul 5, 2012; If only Milliband had eaten a vegan sausage roll instead of a bacon sandwich, we wouldn't be in this mess.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/7vx2p6/how_i_became_summer_camp_sherlock_or_the_time_a/

quote:

Okay so, I was having a conversation with a reddit friend and they said this was a good story to post here. I hope you all agree. I decided to add a bit more information on this one than in the original story I told her, since I wasn�t expecting to post it here until she suggested it. Please, enjoy.

Background Info: I work as a staffer at a small summer camp, and during the off season they have retreats. Staffers aren�t treated badly, but we are the lowest on the totem pole and do ALL the hard work, from 7 AM till around 2 AM, so we have some long work days. We also don�t get paid as much as the counselors; we only get about 100$ dollars a week. Our food and board is the rest of the payment, you see, and most of us aren�t old enough to worry about rent quite yet. The camp also has a very strict hiring policy because they hav a good reputation and value every member of staff. Also, I�m either an insomniac or narcoleptic, or both if that�s possible (doctors have said all three answers so, I dunno), AND anemic. So, I�m CONSTANTLY tired and trying to nap everywhere. This is important.

The Story: for several week someone from staff has been stealing money from the rest of the workers. Lots of it. At this time I didn�t have a nickname like everyone else, though they did occasionally call me Smartass because I love random facts and can get pretty snarky for the fun of it, or Ninja Napper because I sleep wherever and whenever I can and will attack you if you touch me. But I also love to watch Sherlock and write detective stories, so when my bosses were talking about how to solve this problem, I volunteered.

The Revenge: So I started by scouting everyone out. My closest friends were out of the question, since they roomed with me and I knew where they were at all times. Still, I investigated a bit before ruling them out completely. Then I moved on to the rest of the staffers. There were two I was suspicious of; Britney and Dayton. Britney held true to all the stereotypes about a girl with her name. I know a few nice Britneys, but she was not one of them. How she got on staff I have no clue. Dayton was obnoxious, but a good worker. However, whenever I joked about being keleptomaniacal (because I love stealing and wearing everyone�s clothes- we were all pretty close at this point so it was just fun), he went quiet and laughed nervously.

I checked out the counselors next, but they were clean. Too busy dunking campers in the pool or doing crafts to care about the missing money problems of staffers. Same with Tech team, Rex team, and outdoor team. That�s when I knew that my two suspects, Dayton and Britney, were the only two options. It only took me a day to rule out Dayton. He was off campus when the next theft occurred. Britney had been in the pigpen cleaning dishes, near where the Crime was committed. She was smart, though. She had a �witness� testifying she talked to her the entire time. Even though no one was really sure when the theft took place, they believed her alibi.

The Game: She was relatively clever. It took me two weeks to catch her. First, I had to get her used to some things. 1. I nap everywhere. It was easy to adjust her to this, since I was famous for it (Ninja Napper) already. I don�t sleep in those five hours we get to rest between finishing cleaning up Late Night and serving breakfast in the morning, so I sleep everywhere. On roofs, halfway up the rock climbing wall, under the serving counter, on TOP of the serving counter... you name it, I�ve slept there. Check. 2. It�s impossible to wake me up from noise or light- but touch me even barely and I�ll attack. This was also easy because it was true. Once I managed to sleep, I was dead to the world. If someone bangs pots over my head (happened) I stayed asleep. If someone flicked the lights on right in my eyes (happened) I stayed asleep. If someone brushed me on accident, I attacked. (Ninja Napper) 3. I leave my money wherever. This was a bit of a sacrifice. I�m pretty laidback- and lazy because I�m always tired- so it�s not too far a stretch to believe... but in truth I�m meticulous with my money. I had to leave it and let her steal it for two weeks. That was my paycheck, and she was taking all o it. But sacrifices had to be made if I was going to properly get revenge on Bitchney. 4. I�m an idiot. Everyone knew I was investigating the thief. Including Bitchney. So, I accused several OTHER people, and confided privately about my suspicions to her. Don�t worry, I told the accused beforehand what was going on, but no one else knew. She was... very agreeable when I suggested anyone but her.

The Trap: Finally I set the trap. Over the span of a week, I let her steal about a hundred bucks from me in twenties, each time following her �tips� and �accusing� several people. (The week before it was all fives and ones.) Then, one day, I took a nap next to a handful of twenties (reminder that all this money was my paycheck.) and waited. I videoed her walking up, taking the money, and giving me the loving bird. Bitch.

The Reward: So, I showed bosses where she kept the money (under her mattress. SO original) and the video. I explained my random accusations to everyone who didn�t know- who all thought I was a bitch by then- and made a ridiculous amount of Sherlock jokes and references on the way, because how could I not? Bitchney was fired, I was given my money back plus a little extra, and my nickname has been Sherlock ever since.

Tl;dr I caught a bitchy thief by napping and making Sherlock references.

Edit: somehow totem pole became Kade. Now fixed.

Edit: wow! So many likes, thank you all so much!

Edit: redditor asked about how Bitchney reacted. In case you don�t find it in the comments, here it is:

Buckle down and let me tell you about Bitchney�s Reichenbach Fall.

Once I went to my bosses with the evidence and they were able to say that she definitely did it, there was a meeting called between her, and... let�s call them Lestrade, Mycroft, the Queen, and Mrs. Hudson. That would be the Camp director, camp supervisor, and the two staff coordinators. Let it be known I was on first name basis with both director and supervisor before this summer, and the coordinators were fond of me since I worked hard and cheerfully to make up for my mostly-accidental naps.

Because I was the witness, the one who provided the evidence, AND the �consulting detective� (couldn�t resist during the investigation), I was called into this meeting as well.

I laid out the evidence, showed then the video and the money, and brought in each �accused� person from the last two weeks so they could confirm that it was an act and I wasn�t a clueless but lucky idiot. Bitchney, in her plastic blue chair, was glaring at me with populargirl-knives-for-eyes.

The time came for her to defend herself. She tried to spin some bullshit story about me framing her. When that didn�t work, she tried to say I was her partner wanting the money to myself. First of all, I couldn�t resist saying at this point that she was acting like a one of those dumb crooks from a tv show. That also didn�t work, and she said a few choice words to me for my comment.

Finally, they excused me from the room. After all, I was a big help but I was just a staffer. It wasn�t appropriate for me to be in the room or contribute to their deliberations. I waited outside for a good twenty minutes before the door was slammed open so hard it almost hit my face (I will admit to tying to eavesdrop) and Bitchney walked out. When she saw me, I fully expected her to leap at me.

Bitchney did not leap at me. She cursed me out, said she�d ruin my social media accounts and call me out on all the slutty stuff I did, and left. As she left, I called to her that Crime never slept, but I certainly did. (I do believe I commented that earlier. No one asked, so I didn�t get to tell this story to explain it ;-

Joke�s on her. I don�t have any social media, and I�ve never even dated.

So! While it wasn�t as fun or clever as the actual revenge, it was still hella satisfying to be part of that. Last I heard, she tried to reapply this year. Haha no. The bosses aren�t idiots and won�t rehire a thief.

Tl;dr: �Crime never sleeps but I certainly do!�

Edit: HOLY poo poo I GOT GOLD BECAUSE OF THIS

# ? Feb 8, 2018 10:15

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Self-given nicknames are so pathetic (and lets not kid ourselves, you know whoever wrote that came up with them). Also video taping yourself sleeping on the job, which in most jobs would be a disciplinary issue, doesn't strike me as particularly "clever".

# ? Feb 8, 2018 10:33

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Goddammit reddit is just so gullible. Also this confirms my theory that people who like sherlock are in fact trash.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 10:52

Walton Simons: May 16, 2010; ELECTRONIC OLD MEN RUNNING THE WORLD

quote:

Also, I�m either an insomniac or narcoleptic, or both if that�s possible (doctors have said all three answers so, I dunno), AND anemic. So, I�m CONSTANTLY tired and trying to nap everywhere. This is important.

quote:

Ninja Napper because I sleep wherever and whenever I can and will attack you if you touch me.

quote:

I don�t sleep in those five hours we get to rest between finishing cleaning up Late Night and serving breakfast in the morning

quote:

I love random facts and can get pretty snarky for the fun of it

quote:

On roofs, halfway up the rock climbing wall, under the serving counter, on TOP of the serving counter... you name it, I�ve slept there

quote:

If someone brushed me on accident, I attacked. (Ninja Napper)

quote:

Joke�s on her. I don�t have any social media, and I�ve never even dated.

quote:

I called to her that Crime never slept, but I certainly did.

WHAT. A. TWAT.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 11:26

Pile Of Garbage: May 28, 2007

Walton Simons posted:

quote:
Joke�s on her. I don�t have any social media, and I�ve never even dated.

The most believable part of the story. Even if the story is fake the author is definitely projecting.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 11:38

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

It's so telling tant the author derives a sentiment of superiority from that too.

"Call me out on the slutty stuff I've done? I don't even ~~own a sexuality~~ date :smug:

# ? Feb 8, 2018 11:48

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

They are sending bitchneys, girls who steal, girls who gossip, girls who date, and I'm sure some of these Britneys are nice people

# ? Feb 8, 2018 12:03

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

loving sluts!! How I hate them! :argh:

Soon the day will come when I will have my revenge. Then no one will be able to laugh at my Benedict Cumberbatch/Martin Freeman slash fiction!

# ? Feb 8, 2018 12:17

McGurk: Oct 20, 2004; Cuz life sucks, kids. Get it while you can.

Fathis Munk posted:

Goddammit reddit is just so gullible. Also this confirms my theory that people who like sherlock are in fact trash.

Not long ago GBS was full of this crap too, goons would trip over themselves to fellate and buy the author a beer.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 14:54

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

TheManWithNoName posted:

Not long ago GBS was full of this crap too, goons would trip over themselves to fellate and buy the author a beer.

It's more rare now but it still happens in various forums. Basically any "stories from my job" thread starts out kind of believable but as they run out of material they start making up wacky names for the characters and keep cranking up the bullshit level to keep the thread moving. Nobody stops to question why they have basically an infinite amount of stories to draw from, or if they do they get probated for threadshitting.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 14:58

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# ? May 13, 2024 04:25

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

yeah I eat rear end posted:

It's more rare now but it still happens in various forums. Basically any "stories from my job" thread starts out kind of believable but as they run out of material they start making up wacky names for the characters and keep cranking up the bullshit level to keep the thread moving. Nobody stops to question why they have basically an infinite amount of stories to draw from, or if they do they get probated for threadshitting.

See: humper monkey, that guy on here who pretended to be a pool shark, etc. etc.

Its a time honored tradition to make poo poo up on the internet for gullible people to lap up.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 15:17

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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