FASTFOODHOUSE 6: Sandwich Montoya: Prepare to Rye

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > FASTFOODHOUSE 6: Sandwich Montoya: Prepare to Rye

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Darth Brooks: Jan 15, 2005; I do not wear this mask to protect me. I wear it to protect you from me.

Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! posted:

I'm not sure what Pat is planning to do to that Jag, but it doesn't look legal in most states.

Shouldn't the bandages be on the Patriots text?

# ? Jan 20, 2018 04:24

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 01:00

its all nice on rice: Nov 12, 2006; Sweet, Salty Goodness.; Buglord

Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! posted:

I'm not sure what Pat is planning to do to that Jag, but it doesn't look legal in most states.

Gaston is going to do horrible things to that Beast.

# ? Jan 20, 2018 19:04

SirPhoebos: Dec 10, 2007; WELL THAT JUST HAPPENED!

Was about to repost my Cossack trash-talking request, but then thought "nah if I do that I'm totally going to jinx the Jags." Turns out that wasn't necessary. :negative:

# ? Jan 22, 2018 01:13

SirPhoebos: Dec 10, 2007; WELL THAT JUST HAPPENED!

Hmm, farthouse has been quiet.

Oh well, I'm no artist, but at least I can edit the letter itself to fit the occasion.

quote:

Philadelphia Eagles to Robert Kraft:

O owner, New England devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Goodell himself. What the devil kind of executive are thou, that canst not deflate a football with your naked arse? The devil shits, and the Patriots eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, win another Super Bowl; we have no fear of your team, at home or away we will battle with thee, gently caress thy mother.

Thou Bostonian scullion, Hartford wheelwright, cheese-peddler of Foxborough, goat-fucker of Manchester, swineherd of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, pig of Portland, Concordian thief, catamite of Burlington, hangman of Bridgeport, and fool of all the world and NFL, an idiot before Rozelle, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Ted Kennedy's snout, lobster's arse, meth-lab cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!

So the Eagles declare, you lowlife. You won't even be coaching pee-wee football for Philadelphia. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and our calendar app crashed; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

SirPhoebos fucked around with this message at 05:20 on Feb 5, 2018

# ? Feb 5, 2018 05:02

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Did you misspell "Robert Kraft" on purpose, or....

# ? Feb 5, 2018 05:05

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

Please Toaster Beef, we need a one off Too Much Mustard in honor of your Eagles win as a Draw Play guest comic.

# ? Feb 5, 2018 05:11

SirPhoebos: Dec 10, 2007; WELL THAT JUST HAPPENED!

whypick1 posted:

Did you misspell "Robert Kraft" on purpose, or....

gently caress! Uh...you saw nothing!

# ? Feb 5, 2018 05:20

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

SirPhoebos posted:

Hmm, farthouse has been quiet.

Oh well, I'm no artist, but at least I can edit the letter itself to fit the occasion.

# ? Feb 5, 2018 11:54

Toaster Beef: Jan 23, 2007; that's not nature's way

Silly Burrito posted:

Please Toaster Beef, we need a one off Too Much Mustard in honor of your Eagles win as a Draw Play guest comic.

I've actually been thinking about putting something together for the occasion

But I only slept two hours last night, so today is not the day unless you want some high-octane gibberish

# ? Feb 5, 2018 13:31

Randaconda: Jul 3, 2014; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Toaster Beef posted:

I've actually been thinking about putting something together for the occasion

But I only slept two hours last night, so today is not the day unless you want some high-octane gibberish

Of course we want high-octane gibberish

# ? Feb 5, 2018 13:37

Toaster Beef: Jan 23, 2007; that's not nature's way

Randaconda posted:

Of course we want high-octane gibberish

well i'm sleepy so :colbert:

# ? Feb 5, 2018 13:39

BearDrivingTruck: Oct 15, 2011; You see the most shocking sights sometimes

Could anyone link me to Pancakes by Mail�s �Love Song of T. Edward Brady� from a few farthouses back?

# ? Feb 5, 2018 21:46

Grittybeard: Mar 29, 2010; Bad, very bad!

BearDrivingTruck posted:

Could anyone link me to Pancakes by Mail�s �Love Song of T. Edward Brady� from a few farthouses back?

It's really impressive (and good). Link to the post here or I'll just quote it again.

quote:

The Love Song of T. Edward Brady

LET us go then, start this drive,
once the play clock stops and the ball is live
Like a chicken in a Chinatown store window;
Let us go, through certain half-remembered plays,
The calling back of days
And restless nights spent watching tape
For hours until ideas take shape:
Plays that follow like a clever audible
Designs most laudable
That lead you to an overwhelming question�.
Oh, do not ask, �Will it be first ballot?�
The question sours on my palate.

On the bench the wideouts come and go
Laughing about Drew Bledsoe.

The half-a-pass that slipped upon my freezing palm,
The half-a-pass that Oakland grappled from my freezing palm,
Pulled the Tuck out from the corners of the rulebook,
Laid low the refs like some great pigskin bomb,
Let fall upon its back the man who felled its master,
Slipped from my fingers, treacherous sleet,
But seeing that it was a January game,
Curled once around the rules and was called incomplete.

And indeed there will be time
For that half-a-pass upon my hand to shake,
Rolling its laces upon my freezing palm;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare your hands to meet the snap that you will take;
There will be time to scramble and pump fake,
And time for all the backs and big tight ends
To score and spike the passes that you make;
Time for yardage yet unseized,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before Bill Belichick is appeased.

On the bench the wideouts come and go
Laughing about Drew Bledsoe.

And indeed there will be time
To hear, �He wears UGGs!� and, �He wears UGGs!�
Time to fumble to Terrell Suggs
While cretins stare at Gisele's jugs �
(They will say: �How he must feel such chagrin!�)
My warmup gear, my helmet strapping firmly to the chin,
My passing swift and perfect, but asserted by a simple spin�
(They will say: �But how their WR depth is thin!�)
Do I dare
Control the division?
In a season there is time
For the Jets and their head coach to render moot my decision.

For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the teammates, rivals and their goals,
I have measured out my life in Super Bowls;
I know the cameras swarming with a hissing call
Beneath the floodlights from a distant dome.
So how can I go back?

And I have known the fans already, known them all�
The fans that hold you in adulatory light,
And when I am adulated, squinting for the glare,
When I am smiling in a glossy framed upon the wall,
Then how am I to dare
To retreat into dimness? It would not be right
And how could I go back?

And I have known the jeers already, known them all�
Jeers that are nought but voices in the crowd
(But in some stadiums, booming loud!)
Is it that man's boozy scream
That makes me lead the team?
Jeers that lie about my mother, in some foolish drawl.
And should I then go back?
And how should I begin?
. . . . . . . .
Shall I say, I have thrown the ball through narrow gaps
In coverage draped on like a cloak
And surely hit my target, leaning at the sideline?�

I should have been a wind-sleeked motorboat
Coursing along on San Mateo seas.
. . . . . . . .
And the second string, the rookie, slept so peacefully!
Hidden on the depth chart,
Shielded �guarded � knowing at heart
How slim the chances were that he would play.
Should I, after training camp and cuts,
Have the skill to make the starter look a klutz?
But though I have leapt the roster, made the grade,
Though I have made �Go Pats� (that simple quip) an oft-repeated message,
I am no backup � but here's no great presage ;
I have seen the waning of my career someday,
And I have heard the team Physician say, �There's a chance you miss Sunday,�
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the records and ring number three,
Beside the trophy case, among some talk of MVP,
Would it have been worth while,
To have shrugged off the narrative with a smile,
To drive to drink the Boston Globe's press corps ,
To say I will no more be the man they thought,
To say: �I am Ryan Leaf, my work ethic dead!
And now to to play no more, I shall play no more��
If one, hearing the radio while in bed,
Should hear: �His character really was poor;
I always said, quite poor.�

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the first downs and the clutch drives and the playoff hopes,
After the bad snaps, after the long bombs, after the games that trail into the night �
And this, and so much more?�
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a film projector threw my fears in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, shivering in a clinic or waiting for a call,
And listening for the doctor, should hear:
�The problem isn't small,
Concussions are serious, after all.�
. . . . . . . .

O! I may be Prince Hamlet, and was meant to be;
A splendid young royal on his behalf
Shall walk red carpet, sign some autographs,
Attend charity balls and feel a fool,
The toast of the table, I have my place,
Bright and incandescent as phosphorous;
A draw for the cameras, a handsome face;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous�
Almost, at times, a Tool.

I grow old � I grow old �
I shall buy a fleet of sports cars made of gold.

Shall I put my fame behind? Do I dare to suburbs stray?
I shall wear some shabby outfit, and walk along the bay.
I have heard the dockmen calling, they to they.

I do not think that they will call to me.

I have seen them working seaside on the boats
Grasping the thick layers of their grey coats
When the wind sprays water upon their throats.

We have lingered in the chambers of the Hall
By statues and their legends in a heap
Till our retirement takes us, and we sleep.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 04:37

Dexo: Aug 15, 2009; A city that was to live by night after the wilderness had passed. A city that was to forge out of steel and blood-red neon its own peculiar wilderness.

https://twitter.com/WEEI/status/961313649259237376

This could make for an amazing loving comic.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:29

a new study bible!: Feb 2, 2009; BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly

"This is where I keep all the urine samples we've collected over the years."

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:34

Dexo: Aug 15, 2009; A city that was to live by night after the wilderness had passed. A city that was to forge out of steel and blood-red neon its own peculiar wilderness.

This is where we keep the portal to the dark lord that's keeping Tom Brady healthy.

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:41

Barudak: May 7, 2007

First panel Belichick closes the door, six panels of screaming, seventh panel silence

# ? Feb 7, 2018 23:50

a new study bible!: Feb 2, 2009; BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly

I would like to see a Willy Wonka style parody of McDaniels' tour behind the curtain at the Patriots factory, including white wide receiver Oompa Loompas.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 00:24

GonadTheBallbarian: Jul 23, 2007

Maybe A Whole New (England) Coach in reference to the Aladdin thing

# ? Feb 8, 2018 00:44

weird Asian candy: Aug 23, 2005; Ask me about how my football team's success determines my self worth, and how I wish I lived in New Orleans.

Someone farted

https://twitter.com/SBNation/status/961380157737988096

# ? Feb 8, 2018 00:56

Spoeank: Jul 16, 2003; That's a nice set of 11 dynasty points there, it would be a shame if 3 rings were to happen with it

I believe in thicc nicc

# ? Feb 8, 2018 01:04

Thaddius the Large: Jul 5, 2006; It's in the five-hole!

weird Asian candy posted:

Someone farted

https://twitter.com/SBNation/status/961380157737988096

I�m the atrophied right arm

# ? Feb 8, 2018 01:14

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

I'm the sky that looks like a giant bruise.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 01:24

Pops Mgee: Aug 20, 2009; People all over the world,
Join Hands,
Start the Love Train!

Dexo posted:

https://twitter.com/WEEI/status/961313649259237376

This could make for an amazing loving comic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhEs9KUQ4qo
Something along this route would be good I think.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 01:36

MrLogan: Feb 4, 2004

Barudak posted:

First panel Belichick closes the door, six panels of screaming, seventh panel silence

McDaniels walks thru the door with a suit on. When he leaves in panel eight, he has a hoody.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 18:27

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Bill takes McDaniels into his basement where he keeps Wes Welker down an old well. That's where he shows him how to tear the arms off of sweatshirts.

# ? Feb 8, 2018 18:30

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

The Elite Money saga has a new character.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 02:52

Dango Bango: Jul 26, 2007

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

The Elite Money saga has a new character.

Please make Garoppolo's money be Bitcoin or something. What a nonsense contract for a career backup.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 05:57

FUCKFACE MORON: Apr 23, 2010; by sebmojo

Dango Bango posted:

What a nonsense contract for a career backup.

lol

# ? Feb 9, 2018 05:58

Spoeank: Jul 16, 2003; That's a nice set of 11 dynasty points there, it would be a shame if 3 rings were to happen with it

Dango Bango posted:

Please make Garoppolo's money be Bitcoin or something. What a nonsense contract for a career backup.

lmao

# ? Feb 9, 2018 06:24

a new study bible!: Feb 2, 2009; BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly

MrLogan posted:

McDaniels walks thru the door with a suit on. When he leaves in panel eight, he has a hoody.

Have you ever seen the movie Skeleton Key?

# ? Feb 9, 2018 13:03

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

Dango Bango posted:

Please make Garoppolo's money be Bitcoin or something. What a nonsense contract for a career backup.

This is a stupid post but I do like the idea of Jed York trying to pay Jimmy G in Bitcoin.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 15:17

Silly Burrito: Nov 27, 2007; SET A COURSE FOR
THE FLAVOR QUADRANT

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

This is a stupid post but I do like the idea of Jed York trying to pay Jimmy G in Bitcoin.

He has a $500 million dollar contract
...no wait, it's now $350 million.......now it's worth a chicken sandwich.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:24

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Now Jimmy has to pay them !

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:26

FUCKFACE MORON: Apr 23, 2010; by sebmojo

Silly Burrito posted:

He has a $500 million dollar contract
...no wait, it's now $350 million.......now it's worth a chicken sandwich.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:31

Dango Bango: Jul 26, 2007

Vincent Van Goatse posted:

This is a stupid post but I do like the idea of Jed York trying to pay Jimmy G in Bitcoin.

Why is it a stupid post? The "career backup" thing was hyperbole, but paying a guy literal top dollar for 7 games as a starter? Not to mention the back half of a season? What is the justification for that?

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:32

Impossibly Perfect Sphere: Nov 6, 2002; They wasted Luanne on Lucky!

She could of have been so much more but the writers just didn't care!

You're paying for potential. Just like with a top draft pick from before the latest CBA.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:34

Dango Bango: Jul 26, 2007

Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! posted:

You're paying for potential. Just like with a top draft pick from before the latest CBA.

That's fair. I was thinking of it along the lines of Matt Cassel rather than a draft pick.

Although this makes the Bitcoin idea more relevant :v:

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:39

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001

Dango Bango posted:

Why is it a stupid post? The "career backup" thing was hyperbole, but paying a guy literal top dollar for 7 games as a starter? Not to mention the back half of a season? What is the justification for that?

Potential.

Look at the contract Aaron Rodgers signed and when he signed it.

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:40

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 01:00

evilweasel: Aug 24, 2002

Jiminy Christmas! Shoes! posted:

You're paying for potential. Just like with a top draft pick from before the latest CBA.

It's mostly potential, but seven real games in the NFL is a lot more information on his potential than you'd normally get. Especially since a number of those games were with the 49ers, so they have a lot more knowledge about if he doofed his way into winning despite himself or if he was actually an important factor in those wins (like Tebow won games, but Denver knew he won them in spite of himself - the 49ers presumably know what he was supposed to do and if he could deliver).

# ? Feb 9, 2018 17:50

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > FASTFOODHOUSE 6: Sandwich Montoya: Prepare to Rye

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