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When I was in 7th grade I was best friends with a really cute popular girl that I also had a major crush on. We used to hang out a lot during the school year because we were both in honors classes and we would co-op our homework. One night after having her over my dad drove us back to her home to drop her off while I rode in the backseat. I let slip one of those hot SBDs and just hoped it wouldn't smell but it was the exact opposite of what I'd wished. My dad was like "Jesus Christ!" And I immediately blamed her for it. We drove the rest of the way to her house with the windows down in freezing temperatures without saying a word. That was the end of our friendship. She never spoke to me again and I was shunned from our circle of friends. Middle School was rough.
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Feb 21, 2018 02:28
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Bonzo posted:Ok this isn't farting but its something the 6 year old in all of us will love. God drat, he sounds like a sea lion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDPcbVs2NJY
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Feb 21, 2018 02:47
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I remember one time as an apprentice I was working in a data room with a journeyman. It was kinda hot in there, not much ventilation so we had a fan positioned by the door to move some air around. We were supposed to be leaving a few minutes early since it was a holiday weekend, and he had already packed up. I was trying to finish one more piece of conduit. "Come on!" he yells at me. "One sec, dude. Just gotta wrap up this last piece." "gently caress off, it can wait til next week!" "Ok hang on!" I say as I'm still trying to finish it. Then I'm overcome by a vile smell. Like an overfilled portalet in a July drought. I scramble off the ladder, half gagging and turn around. The journeyman was squatting behind the fan and just ripping fart after fart into the air flow. I decided to finish the conduit after the holiday weekend
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Feb 21, 2018 03:47
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Once, a bunch of friends and I were hanging around, doing stupid wrestler poo poo during a sleepover, we were probably 11-12 years old, you know how it was. Goofing around, making jokes, etc. At one point, one of the kids, Josh, who was always a little slow and "off" said that we should see who could make the loudest and worst fart. Of course, we're all interested. He volunteers to go first, and demands that we turn the lights off. We think that's weird but we do it anyway. He says he has to "prepare" his fart. We don't know what he means or what he plans on doing, but we hear him moving around, maybe the sounds of his pants coming down, and then the sound I will never ever forget. It wasn't the fart sound. I can only compare it to other things. Imagine two pieces of buttered bread being pulled apart repeatedly. Imagine that sound everyone can make when they're trying to taste something in their mouth. Imagine pulling your hand off of wet paint. We flicked the lights on to see what the gently caress was going on, and while I only caught the briefest of brief glances, the image of Josh's rear end in a top hat, semi-caked in leftover poo poo, pointed in the air will haunt me for the rest of my life. We never let him live it down until we all lost touch and moved away. He claimed for years that it "woulda been a good one".
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Feb 21, 2018 03:59
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:Once, a bunch of friends and I were hanging around, doing stupid wrestler poo poo during a sleepover, we were probably 11-12 years old, you know how it was. Goofing around, making jokes, etc. At one point, one of the kids, Josh, who was always a little slow and "off" said that we should see who could make the loudest and worst fart. Of course, we're all interested. lmaoo
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Feb 21, 2018 04:10
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:Once, a bunch of friends and I were hanging around, doing stupid wrestler poo poo during a sleepover, we were probably 11-12 years old, you know how it was. Goofing around, making jokes, etc. At one point, one of the kids, Josh, who was always a little slow and "off" said that we should see who could make the loudest and worst fart. Of course, we're all interested. i can hear the sound... jesus
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Feb 21, 2018 04:57
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:Once, a bunch of friends and I were hanging around, doing stupid wrestler poo poo during a sleepover, we were probably 11-12 years old, you know how it was. Goofing around, making jokes, etc. At one point, one of the kids, Josh, who was always a little slow and "off" said that we should see who could make the loudest and worst fart. Of course, we're all interested. Was his plan to splay his cheeks like some sort of corpse flower and just let the smell waft through the room, no fart required?
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Feb 21, 2018 05:03
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RaceBannon posted:i can hear the sound... jesus 
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Feb 21, 2018 05:06
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One time my family went on a cruise, and my brother and I shared a room. If you've never been on a cruise, they don't bother wasting freshwater for the toilets (at least, this ship didn't), they used seawater. After a entire sea day of eating bad buffet food, my brother unloads the foulest, sickest bowel movement into our shared bathroom toilet imaginable. His rotting insides combine with the seawater in the toilet and produce a smell like low-tide next to a coastal sewage plant. I gag, I dry heave, I run out of the room and collapse out in the hallway while my brother cackles like a mad man.
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Feb 21, 2018 05:08
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Super Waffle posted:One time my family went on a cruise, and my brother and I shared a room. If you've never been on a cruise, they don't bother wasting freshwater for the toilets (at least, this ship didn't), they used seawater. After a entire sea day of eating bad buffet food, my brother unloads the foulest, sickest bowel movement into our shared bathroom toilet imaginable. His rotting insides combine with the seawater in the toilet and produce a smell like low-tide next to a coastal sewage plant. I gag, I dry heave, I run out of the room and collapse out in the hallway while my brother cackles like a mad man. Near, far, wherever you are. I belive that my fart will go on
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Feb 21, 2018 05:10
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Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?? -my dad’s Canadian friend.
remigious fucked around with this message at 07:55 on Feb 21, 2018 |
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Feb 21, 2018 07:47
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Super Waffle posted:One time my family went on a cruise, and my brother and I shared a room. If you've never been on a cruise, they don't bother wasting freshwater for the toilets (at least, this ship didn't), they used seawater. After a entire sea day of eating bad buffet food, my brother unloads the foulest, sickest bowel movement into our shared bathroom toilet imaginable. His rotting insides combine with the seawater in the toilet and produce a smell like low-tide next to a coastal sewage plant. I gag, I dry heave, I run out of the room and collapse out in the hallway while my brother cackles like a mad man. My friend, I’m sorry to say, but this isn’t the ‘best/worst poop stories’ thread. I’ll allow it though.
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Feb 21, 2018 12:24
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LadyPictureShow posted:My friend, I’m sorry to say, but this isn’t the ‘best/worst poop stories’ thread. I think the thread should think about evolving, at least gradually.
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Feb 21, 2018 12:28
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I was visiting my mother in law's house for the weekend with my wife and I was like oh man can I have a bath, because we only had a shower at our house. So I'm upstairs having a great bath and I'm like uh oh I gotta fart, so I just let it rip, tub farts are awesome. Finish my bath and go downstairs and her and her mom are both doubled over in laughter and I'm like what's up and I guess they were sitting right under where the tub was located a floor higher and my fart literally echoed through the living room. It was very powerful.
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Feb 21, 2018 13:17
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Noblesse Obliged posted:Near, far, wherever you are. I belive that my fart will go on  Now I'd love to hear the whole song with fart lyrics.
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Feb 21, 2018 13:52
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I only have best fart memories. -farting on dog’s face and making him sneeze. -farting in the middle of the night and having it smell so bad I woke up gagging. -audio cassette I recorded all my farts on when I was a kid. -farts that smell like they would taste good. -spreading my cheeks and pressing my sphincter up against the wet shower wall, and unleashing farts that shook the whole house. -begging told by fiancé that she didn’t think it was possible to fart more than her dad does (still swelling with pride from that one).
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Feb 21, 2018 18:25
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Bloodfart McCoy posted:-spreading my cheeks and pressing my sphincter up against the wet shower wall, and unleashing farts that shook the whole house. Holy gently caress, lmfao. Where did this idea even come from?
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Feb 21, 2018 18:32
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Papa Emeritus III posted:Holy gently caress, lmfao. More importantly, how many of us are going to try this?
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Feb 21, 2018 18:40
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Sapper posted:More importantly, how many of us are going to try this? I know I am!
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Feb 21, 2018 19:39
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i got pretty good at throwin my farts back in the day (fart into cupped hands and grasp the fart like a snowball then throw) and i loved gassing my ex girlfriend but my last name is Yeager and shes jewish and when her parents heard me threaten to gas her they insisted we not see each other anymore
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Feb 21, 2018 19:45
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Gatekeeper posted:i got pretty good at throwin my farts back in the day (fart into cupped hands and grasp the fart like a snowball then throw) and i loved gassing my ex girlfriend but my last name is Yeager and shes jewish and when her parents heard me threaten to gas her they insisted we not see each other anymore lol
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Feb 21, 2018 19:46
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Gatekeeper posted:i got pretty good at throwin my farts back in the day (fart into cupped hands and grasp the fart like a snowball then throw) and i loved gassing my ex girlfriend but my last name is Yeager and shes jewish and when her parents heard me threaten to gas her they insisted we not see each other anymore That's called a "buttercup"!  I had two older brothers that did those a lot. So did all the guys in my platoon in BCT.
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Feb 21, 2018 19:47
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This thread reminded me, when we were young my brother and I would fart into couch cushions and try to smother each other with them
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Feb 21, 2018 19:54
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Gatekeeper posted:i got pretty good at throwin my farts back in the day (fart into cupped hands and grasp the fart like a snowball then throw) and i loved gassing my ex girlfriend but my last name is Yeager and shes jewish and when her parents heard me threaten to gas her they insisted we not see each other anymore Cuppa'cheese!
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Feb 21, 2018 20:50
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Papa Emeritus III posted:That's called a "buttercup"! My wife introduced those to me as "cupcakes" Now I've learned to not trust her with offering me desserts
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Feb 21, 2018 20:57
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My little sister teaches middle school, and one of her great joys in life is silently crop dusting groups of boys and watching them all fight about which one did it.
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Feb 21, 2018 21:19
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Guildenstern Mother posted:My little sister teaches middle school, and one of her great joys in life is silently crop dusting groups of boys and watching them all fight about which one did it. Incredible.
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Feb 21, 2018 22:28
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Amateur hour: farting in an elevator. The perfect crime: farting on an escalator.Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:What's your preferred way to announce or warn an incoming food ghost?
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Feb 21, 2018 23:50
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Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:My wife introduced those to me as "cupcakes" You two sound like an amazing couple, based on the info from this thread. 
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Feb 22, 2018 00:21
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The more I think about it, we both come off as a couple of gross gaseous ogres like Shrek and Fiona. But we're harmless and lovable.
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Feb 22, 2018 00:50
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A couple of years ago, my grandmother was in the ER, literally dying. I had been holding a fart the entire time I was in the waiting room, to the point that I was clenching my rear end cheeks and duck waddling on occasion to keep the monster fart under control. Finally, they shipped her off to a bigger hospital (where she eventually did die), and my brother and I watched them load her into the ambulance, then got in his truck to follow them. I couldn't hold it anymore, and ripped this huge stinking fart into his passenger seat. He stares at me, then ripped this huge stinking fart into the driver seat. It took us fifteen minutes to stop laughing and air the truck out before we could leave the hospital parking lot.
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Feb 22, 2018 00:53
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Drive-Thru Salad Bar posted:The more I think about it, we both come off as a couple of gross gaseous ogres like Shrek and Fiona. But we're harmless and lovable. I just farted. A trumpet in honor of you two. rndmnmbr posted:A couple of years ago, my grandmother was in the ER, literally dying. I had been holding a fart the entire time I was in the waiting room, to the point that I was clenching my rear end cheeks and duck waddling on occasion to keep the monster fart under control. Finally, they shipped her off to a bigger hospital (where she eventually did die), and my brother and I watched them load her into the ambulance, then got in his truck to follow them. This is both sad and endearing.
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Feb 22, 2018 01:51
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My coworker and I were nearly finished remodeling an apartment. He was in the kitchen putting the doors back on the cabinets, and I was installing a transition into the bathroom since the bathroom was tiled, but the outside was not. Earlier that day, we had just hooked up the coolers on the roof since it was transitioning from spring to summer and getting hot outside, and I had just got the one in the apartment going. I was sitting down on a fresh vinyl floor with a plywood subfloor underneath as I put the transition on. Suddenly, I felt some pressure building up from within my gut. "Maybe I shouldn't have eaten those gas station taquitos," I thought as I could feel my stomach expanding like one of those Gas-X commercials from the '90s. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I barely had time to even lift up one cheek before all hell broke loose. The sound that emanated from my buttocks could best be described as one of those hand shaped clapper toys that you wave in rapid motions to clap loudly, but it's covered in peanut butter, motor oil, and bits of jello with whipped cream. The new vinyl flooring and wooden subfloor certainly didn't stifle the sound, which amplified the fart like a sick and twisted harpsichord soundboard. Just as the last bit of offensive air evacuated from my anus, the custodial supervisor comes in unexpectedly looking for our boss. His nostrils did a dance, and having remembered that I told him earlier we'd be finishing up the remodel at the apartment after we get the coolers going proclaimed, "You just got these coolers going, huh? Well they STINK!" We loving lost it. The supervisor didn't know what was so funny.
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Feb 22, 2018 07:52
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Best/Worst Fart Stories: "His Nostrils did a Dance"
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Feb 22, 2018 12:28
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Did anyone try the rear end against wet shower wall trick yet?
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Feb 22, 2018 14:03
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No but if you cup your hand over your butt in the shower you can make trumpet sounds, not unlike Charlie browns teacher.
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Feb 22, 2018 14:17
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I've started dating again after a long hiatus, and I'm now experienced enough to be disappointed when I find out that she likes to drink beer, because it means she'll fart more when she's sleeping. On the other hand, she's less likely to end up in my bed if she doesn't drink beer, so...
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Feb 22, 2018 15:23
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Kak posted:Did anyone try the rear end against wet shower wall trick yet? Be careful not to slip over while doing this. We don't want any fart-induced injuries.
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Feb 22, 2018 15:46
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Lucid Nonsense posted:Wrong. I lived with a girl who would wake me up in the middle of the night crying for me to "Just quit farting". I mean, sorry babe, I'm not doing it to gently caress with you, I'm sleeping. My ex had a terrible stomach and I would regularly be woken up in the middle of the night from the stench alone. One time, we were at Walmart looking at board games. My shoe was a bit loose, so I bent over to fix it. My ex farted loudly at the perfect point to make it look like it was me blowing rear end just as a large family wandered by.
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Feb 22, 2018 20:21
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You Are A Elf posted:
 This is poetry. This makes me wish I was in a creative writing class, so I could plagiarize the gently caress out of it and turn it in for the "Descriptive Paragraph" assignment.
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Feb 22, 2018 21:50
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