H.P. Hovercraft posted:

every time

quote:

If I had to describe my daily commute through Independence in one word, the word would be "Flurp." That's the sound you get when you step onto a near-­empty juice box. They're everywhere in this town. I stick to the traveled paths, where dozens, hundreds, thousands of shoes have turned the boxes into a soft, nearly even papier­-mâché mat over the sidewalk, but, sooner or later, a fresh one ends up underfoot. It always does. This one spits a tiny stream of fermented apple-­extract up through its straw, soaking my pant­-leg, and I know from experience that the smell will stay with me for at least a week. Flurp. I hear noise coming from the Marketplace plaza. There's always noise at the Marketplace, but this time, it's louder. People are screaming at one another, shouting slogans, or just shouting that they're hungry. drat. drat, drat, drat. The Outsiders are back. My stomach rumbles, and, for a second, I wonder if it wouldn't be worth it to risk it, to dive into the crowd, to try and fight my way over to the food trucks before the riot breaks out.

No. Bad idea. Very bad. I know what happened the last time the Patriots tried to force the outsiders out. Even if the whole mess doesn't explode, it's risky. If I don't take off my Patriot armband ­ it's a counterfeit, but it's a drat good one, and getting things yourself is what being a Patriot is all about ­ I'll get knifed half­way to the truck. If I don't, I'm liable to get shot by a Patriot on the way out.

I duck my head and trudge past the Patriot cordon, trying to think invisible thoughts. I pass behind the stage where a Pundit Superior stands screaming, his crimson robes flapping in the wind. A Turtle turns its head, tracking my movement. The gun turret on its shell twitches and turns ­ and my stomach leaps up into my throat, even though I know it's just keeping me covered while it assesses what I am. Rheumy, ancient eyes study me for an endless second ­ then the reptile blinks and turns away. I'm not a threat.

"Sir! Patriot! Wait!"

I keep walking. Footsteps sound behind me, hurried and light and muffled by the carpet of refuse, thicker and flatter here in the market than anywhere else. Behind me, someone lets out a gasp and slips on something decidedly moist. For once, the noise is not a Flurp. It's more of a Quish. I turn and see a scrawny boy in ragged red burlap scrambling up off the ground.

"You alright, kid?" I don't hold out a hand. I stop myself just in time. Kindness is the worst insult you can give an Apprentice Pundit.

"Y-­yes sir," he stammers. He lowers his head. His right foot is covered by something thick and slimy and clearly rotting. He looks at it with hungry eyes. "I wish to ask why you are not helping your fellow patriots protest this travesty. Sir."

"I've got to get to work, kid," I say. My voice sounds too loud. Who else is listening? "I don't want to get involved."

"Sir! Everyone is already involved. These foreigners are undermining our very way of life. It is the duty of every good Patriot to cast them from our city ­ and punish those freeloaders taking their poisoned gifts and betraying our ways by accepting this Charity!"

"Look, the foreigners are giving out food to anyone who can grab it. Can't blame people for taking advantage of those foreign idiots and seizing an opportunity. Right?"

Why did I just say that? What the hell is wrong with me? The boy stares at me with his too-­big eyes. Odds are he's thinking the same thing.

"I'm sorry, sir," he says. "I am not yet learned enough to explain why you are wrong in this matter. I apologize for failing you." He gives me a bow. I can see his hands shake.

"What are you talking about, kid?"

"I know you are wrong, sir," he mumbles. He's still bowing, eyes once again on the ground. "But I do not yet know why, and can offer no rebuttal. It is clear that I must return to my training."

He trudges back towards the rally. His shoulders are shaking now, too. I turn away. I don't want to know what, exactly, I just caused ­ what his failure will lead to. Maybe his Master Pundit is a kind, forgiving man who thinks mistakes are something to learn from.

Maybe.

I feel the eyes and gun-­barrels of a half­-dozen Turtles on me as I leave. The yells from Ellis fall behind me. The yells of Opportunity Lane engulf me.

"Help wanted ­ test suuubject!" shouts a man in a stained lab coat.

"Stable­haaand! A growing field! Staaable­hand needed!"

I pull out my sign ­ 'Manure Technician Needed' ­ and search for an empty spot to stand in. I work for Ranch Five­-B. Mostly as a recruiter, which means I hardly ever see the Ranch itself ­ thank you, merciful Beck. The last cow in Independence died three years ago, but Five­-B still has plenty of manure to get rid of. Plenty. We're short­handed, too. Three of our Manure Technicians died of... something just the other week. No one is sure what. We burned their corpses in the same pit we use for the cow cadavers we dig out.

"You! Sir! I see you have no Job Sigil!" says a thin, oily-­haired recruiter to a tired man with a large suitcase. "Just came through Ellis, I'll bet! How would you like to join the Extreme Rodeo!? A great honor! A great opportunity! Everyone watches the Extreme Rodeo!"

Yes. That's true enough. There are no bulls around anymore ­ but they do not use bulls.

Three men wearing Patriot armbands appear behind the fresh immigrant. He mumbles something ­ and the biggest of the three shoves him hard.

"Don't you dare turn down this opportunity, you slug! Don't you dare!"

I step around the man as he whimpers on the ground. The three Patriots work him over.

One of them ­ a boy barely out of apprenticeship ­ kicks so hard that he hurts him own ankle. He stumbles ­ takes a hopping half­-step backwards. A juice-­box goes Flurp underfoot.

A Handed Missus posted:

When Obama spent a year evolving on gay marriage and O'Biden just said hell yeah we support gay marriage, before saying he had broken by speaking too soon

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

and then hillary didn't get on board until nearly two years after that lol

quote:

Plaid Manbun, veganist, Brooklyn: "I grew up in like Albany man, there's no jobs for a twitter personality there. Williamsburg man, here there aren't jobs either but I can get laid like maybe a couple times. Also, participatin trophies or something. Yolo!" *kickflips away*

Krankenstyle posted:

What's that extremely disaffected millenial voxpop parody. Like there's 5 subjects and they're all like


and then really weak commentary in between

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Hey, you can get laid in Albany, I've done that quite a few times!

I could swear this isn't the first time somebody took a picture with Ted Cruz to burn him:

https://twitter.com/LazyyMillennial/status/977267940796936192

Bert Roberge posted:

Remember when Obama held that male salmon during an Alaskan photo shoot and it jizzed all over his shoes?



The fisherwoman told him something like "He must REALLY like you."

PotatoJudge posted:

Former owner of the NBA's Los Angeles Clippers. This is just the tip of the iceberg and not even what forced him to sell the team.

Finicums Wake posted:

dinesh, you're gay

quote:

If I were president, I would — in the absence of clear and compelling evidence that they weren’t political refugees — give them temporary asylum until we restored the elected Government of Haiti.

The promise was an unusually forceful one for Clinton; it was markedly free of his usual qualifications and hedges. There was no real argument that the refugees were political. They were fleeing a military dictatorship. The granting of political asylum would also be within the president’s powers; there was no obvious legal impediment to his carrying out the promise.

But shortly after being elected, before he had even taken office, Clinton reversed himself. In what the New York Times called a “bluntly worded” radio address, Clinton announced that:

The practice of returning those who flee Haiti by boat will continue, for the time being, after I become president . . . Those who leave Haiti by boat for the United States will be intercepted and returned to Haiti by the US Coast Guard.

The forced repatriation policy was not the only way in which the United States violated the Haitians’ rights, however. As disagreements over the refugees’ status had gone through the courts, the Bush administration had begun a policy of storing refugees awaiting transfer at the Guantanamo naval base in Cuba. Because Guantanamo was not US soil, detaining people was thought to avoid the triggering of legal procedural protections that may have been granted to those who were actually being held in the country.

Bill Clinton continued the Bush policy of keeping refugees at Guantanamo indefinitely. But Clinton introduced a new policy as well: testing the Haitians for HIV, and segregating those who tested positive. In doing so, he created “the world’s first HIV detention camp.”

The military doctors began giving women birth control without the women’s knowledge or consent. Yet at the same time the Clinton administration refused to provide the AIDS-infected refugees with lifesaving medical care, which almost certainly hastened their deaths. The US military had recommended that the sickest refugees be airlifted to hospitals within the United States for treatment. But the administration, not wishing to let any of the Haitians onto US soil, refused. As a result, there were “a huge number of unnecessary early deaths.” When asked why they were refusing to provide medical treatment, a spokesman for Clinton’s Immigration and Naturalization Service said bluntly: “They’re going to die anyway, aren’t they?”

GalacticAcid posted:

https://twitter.com/BAKKOOONN/status/977667655925612544

GalacticAcid posted:

https://twitter.com/BAKKOOONN/status/977667655925612544

Glambags posted:

Ashcroft covering statute titties

A Handed Missus posted:

Retromancer posted:

this got a lot less funny when these people secured actual political power.

Ron Jeremy posted:

“these people” never secured political power. they were a prop used by the propagandists on the right to secure power for the people who
actually matter to them.

Glambags posted:

Ashcroft covering statute titties

also: Jeb!

zegermans posted:

Glenn Beck said Goonfleet was a CIA front because that's where Vile Rat posted his last communication

The Crotch posted:

Cory Booker denounces 'nauseating' Bain attacks

Bill Clinton posted:

"I don't think we ought to get into the position where we say, 'This is bad work. This is good work,' " Clinton told guest host Harvey Weinstein, a staunch Obama supporter who has helped raise millions of dollars for the president's reelection campaign.
"There's no question that in terms of getting up and going to the office and basically performing the essential functions of the office, a man who has been governor and had a sterling business career crosses the qualification threshold," he said.