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RaceBannon posted:I know this isn't the best/worst fart story but I love that first "I've left work and I'm in my car where I can reek in peace" fart. Usually have to roll the windows down even if it's snowing because you've been storing it up for a while though. Don’t worry friend-o, this is now really more of a ‘funny fart story thread’. My brother used to pull that poo poo, and would hit the window lock beforehand, causing all passengers complete agony. Papa Emeritus III posted:......I love you The feeling is mutual.  Seriously, I wanna be your pal IRL. I ever end up going to Cedar Point, I’ll look you up and we can be scared of getting decapitated.
LadyPictureShow fucked around with this message at 17:13 on Apr 19, 2018 |
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Apr 19, 2018 17:11
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There was a thread a long time ago about pants making GBS threads titled something like “as a child I free flowed in to my pants” and it was also hilarious. I wish I could find it. I remember Radium changed the forum theme for that one post to be brown and yellow and had a sound clip of a kid singing “I’m a super duper popper” embedded in the thread. Good times.
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Apr 20, 2018 22:36
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGkKNWQiIBM
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Apr 20, 2018 22:38
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LadyPictureShow posted:The feeling is mutual. Hells yeah. I haven't been to an amusement park in ages. Getting you a plat account next Thursday so I can keep in touch.
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Apr 20, 2018 22:55
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Just spent 11 hours on a plane farting the entire time. I was one row from the bathroom, so everyone thought the smell was coming from there. At one point I stood up to go in there, and one of the flight attendants stopped me to tell me that it was really bad and I should probably go to the one on the other aisle. If only she knew.
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Apr 21, 2018 10:45
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binge crotching posted:Just spent 11 hours on a plane farting the entire time. I was one row from the bathroom, so everyone thought the smell was coming from there. At one point I stood up to go in there, and one of the flight attendants stopped me to tell me that it was really bad and I should probably go to the one on the other aisle. I think this is technically considered terrorism
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Apr 21, 2018 17:55
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binge crotching posted:Just spent 11 hours on a plane farting the entire time. I was one row from the bathroom, so everyone thought the smell was coming from there. At one point I stood up to go in there, and one of the flight attendants stopped me to tell me that it was really bad and I should probably go to the one on the other aisle. You fool! That exact situation is what prompted the creation of this thread! My boyfriend and I were at IKEA the other weekend, and the whole store is set up like a winding foot path. My boyfriend had the bubble guts something fierce that day and was just ripping SBDs that could peel paint the entire time. We got down to where the plates and stuff were, and he let loose a particularly bad one. I said ‘Jesus Christ’ and edged away from him. A couple feet away, a guy perked his head up, looked at my boyfriend and said ‘Goddamn man, go see a doctor.’ Poor guy had apparently had the foul (lol) luck of being several feet behind us the entire time and kept getting gassed.
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Apr 21, 2018 18:20
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This is a story about a queef, which I say counts as a type of fart. Anyway my ex and I were young and we'd yet to have sex while she was on her period, but she wanted to. I was down because whatever. But just to be on the safe side I put a towel down on the bed. So we hosed and everything was cool, way less messy than either of us imagined it would be. Then afterward I stood up and walked over to my desk for something and behind me I heard a really loud fart. I turned around and she was facing me, spread eagle, and the towel was splattered with blood over what must have been a 12 inch area. She looked like she was secretly wishing she was dead, and I had to lay down on the floor because I couldn't stop laughing.
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Apr 21, 2018 18:39
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the other day i ate a black bean burger and then was up from 3-6am just farting like a maniac i'm so worried that black beans now have to go on the list with chickpeas as 'inedible due to insane farts' no one told me getting older meant sad butt times
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Apr 21, 2018 18:52
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NomChompsky posted:This is a story about a queef, which I say counts as a type of fart. Anyway my ex and I were young and we'd yet to have sex while she was on her period, but she wanted to. I was down because whatever. But just to be on the safe side I put a towel down on the bed. So we hosed and everything was cool, way less messy than either of us imagined it would be. Then afterward I stood up and walked over to my desk for something and behind me I heard a really loud fart. I turned around and she was facing me, spread eagle, and the towel was splattered with blood over what must have been a 12 inch area. She looked like she was secretly wishing she was dead, and I had to lay down on the floor because I couldn't stop laughing. jfc lmao LadyPictureShow posted:You fool! That exact situation is what prompted the creation of this thread! This reminds me of when I briefly worked for Kohls. I was stocking the shoe area and heard this giant rip of rear end. Then a head popped up from over the shoe shelves and was peeking around, looking guilty as gently caress. I avoided eye contact and acted like I didn't see/hear anything. But then his loud Jewish wife kicked in with a sharp Jersey accent "WAS DAT YOU DAT FAHTED!?" I had to kneel behind the shelf to laugh for a sec. Holy poo poo. Thanks, lady.
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Apr 21, 2018 18:52
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StrangersInTheNight posted:the other day i ate a black bean burger and then was up from 3-6am just farting like a maniac That happened to me with my dad’s homemade split-pea soup. It’s so delicious, but if I eat for than few spoonfuls, I feel like someone shoved a tire inflator down my throat - like, the gas forms faster than I can fart it out. All I can do is lay down in misery for a couple hours, in a sealed room for the protection of everyone else. It was just so tasty when I was a kid 
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Apr 21, 2018 19:04
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LadyPictureShow posted:You fool! That exact situation is what prompted the creation of this thread! I blame United and their terrible food selection.
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Apr 21, 2018 19:04
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whenever my ex and i would use lube it would make her queef like none other for some reason. to anyone standing outside the room it would have sounded like someone was having diarrhea
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Apr 21, 2018 22:10
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We are all in the library in fifth grade, and I ripped out the loudest, nastiest, fart you ever heard. It was doubly loud since we were sitting on those lovely cheap plastic school chairs, and the fart reverberated off of it, doubling it's strength. Heads instantly spun around, and all eyes fell on.... the guy next to me. Everyone thought he did it. Everyone burst out laughing at him, and his nickname became "Fart" for the rest of the year. On of my proudest moments.
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Apr 21, 2018 22:28
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When I was a kid I took a karate class, my mom waited there to drive. One time they convinced her to join in an exercise for fun, along with the other parents and such. They had her try a silly "jump kick" that wasn't like Karate Kid or anything. Well she took the attempt and made a little jump kick, except as soon as she launched off the ground let out this loud, deafening and long fart that last the entire time of the kick. She was nearly dying of embarrassment and I could not stop laughing about what I had now dubbed "The flying fart technique." I thought it was hilarious and I think she, in hindsight, wanted to hang herself more than stay there that day..
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Apr 21, 2018 22:32
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I saw quite a few poo poo incidents at the casino I used to work at but only like 5 involving my employees. One night I got a radio call from an officer asking me to switch to an unused channel. I switched over and he urgently asked me to get out to the area behind the building. This area butted up against some woods and the officers checked it on perimeter checks. When I got there I was hit by 2 smells. Skunk and poo poo. My officer had gone on a perimeter check and decided to stop behind the building for a smoke. When he turned to check on a noise a skunk sprayed him and he fell backwards and the impact (according to him) caused him to poo poo himself. You see it was common practice to call yourself on a perimeter check and then pop behind the building for a smoke, then go into the maintenance building which had it's own private bathroom so you could have a solitary poo poo in peace. "Gave rest of night off, follow-up tomorrow on skunk smell." Was how I ended my end of shift report.
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Apr 22, 2018 09:21
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I was sitting at my work desk last week and let rip one of those silent farts that satisfyingly reverberate betwen your butt cheeks with minimal to no stench. I'd been holding a no 2 in all morning and decided now was the time to poo poo. Now this is an open plan office and I had to walk past a number of desks and down a long hallway to reach the nearest bathroom. As soon as I got up an involuntary POOT sounded. With little avenue to escape while seated, my fart had travelled into, and was trapped in, my vagina. I tooted farty queefs with every step I took all the way to the bathroom.
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Apr 22, 2018 12:17
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Dancin Fool posted:I was sitting at my work desk last week and let rip one of those silent farts that satisfyingly reverberate betwen your butt cheeks with minimal to no stench. I'd been holding a no 2 in all morning and decided now was the time to poo poo. Now this is an open plan office and I had to walk past a number of desks and down a long hallway to reach the nearest bathroom. As soon as I got up an involuntary POOT sounded. With little avenue to escape while seated, my fart had travelled into, and was trapped in, my vagina. I tooted farty queefs with every step I took all the way to the bathroom. 
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Apr 22, 2018 12:57
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Untrustable posted:I saw quite a few poo poo incidents at the casino I used to work at but only like 5 involving my employees. Poor guy Dancin Fool posted:I was sitting at my work desk last week and let rip one of those silent farts that satisfyingly reverberate betwen your butt cheeks with minimal to no stench. I'd been holding a no 2 in all morning and decided now was the time to poo poo. Now this is an open plan office and I had to walk past a number of desks and down a long hallway to reach the nearest bathroom. As soon as I got up an involuntary POOT sounded. With little avenue to escape while seated, my fart had travelled into, and was trapped in, my vagina. I tooted farty queefs with every step I took all the way to the bathroom. This should be gross but I laughed pretty hard at this. And if other women say it never happened to them, they are lying. 
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Apr 22, 2018 13:07
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Do farts honestly go into the vagina? Like not just betweem the labial barn doors ?
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Apr 22, 2018 13:42
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I believe a in a previous incarnation of this thread that was referred to as a "hot pocket"
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Apr 22, 2018 13:51
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 I just learned a new kink
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Apr 22, 2018 14:03
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I mean, if you were a fart, where would you like to go? 
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Apr 22, 2018 14:32
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BLOOD QUEEF.
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Apr 22, 2018 14:37
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When I was somewhere between 9-12 I collected all my farts in a mason jar to make ammunition for my fart gun. I had seen those giant smoke ring guns (airzooka?) and correctly intuited that if the smoke stays in the torus, then surely a fart.  So I set to work making a smaller version of something like this out of a juice bottle and a balloon. Turns out it's super easy to do. Don't even need a balloon in some cases This all culminated with me firing farts at my family members from like 5-6 meters away. The beauty of the torus ring is that it is quite slow and silent. So you could shoot off a fart ring and hide and your victim would feel a blast of air on their face from nowhere and then smell fart. I peaked early
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Apr 22, 2018 14:40
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lmao wtf
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Apr 22, 2018 14:43
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Papa Emeritus III posted:lmao wtf I'm still making weird poo poo to this day, just it's not all fart related
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Apr 22, 2018 14:47
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Jestery posted:When I was somewhere between 9-12 I collected all my farts in a mason jar to make ammunition for my fart gun. Precision German engineering
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Apr 22, 2018 15:01
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I may have posted this in one the previous threads. Way back in '00 or '01 Yahoo had chat rooms for about each major city and they were more or less places to pick up women (or men). I started chatting with this girl and we eventually traded numbers. About a week of casual phone conversations, she lets it slip that she's pretty much a freak in bed. Well that lead to a casual relationship but she wanted to get serious. I was recently divorced and was just into having fun and didn't want to be tied down. I was also a raging alcoholic at the time so my thoughts and emotions were all over the place. Anyway, I just stopped calling and chatting with her. This is going somewhere, hang on. About two months go by and I get an IM from her on Yahoo Messenger. As per usual, I was drunk so I replied. She starts telling me about how she's been researching anal sex and has been experimenting with some toys and would I be down to try it. Well, no drunk is gonna say no to that. I get to her place and all goes as planned. The next morning we wake up and all is well. She goes to the bathroom and I assume she thinks I'm still sleeping off last night's whiskey. The next thing I hear sounds like someone playing a tuba using a pressure washer. This goes on for at least 5 minutes. When I got home I blocked her and never picked up when she called.
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Apr 22, 2018 16:33
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I farted on a date on Friday. I thought I was safe because I was outside and was still fifteen minutes early, but I think because I let it out slowly (there were tourists nearby and I didn't want to startle them) it was very hot and eggy, and even though she turned up five minutes later it was still hanging around like a foul miasma. I blamed it on the drains but I think it got the date off to a bad start.
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Apr 22, 2018 18:21
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Bonzo posted:The next morning we wake up and all is well. She goes to the bathroom and I assume she thinks I'm still sleeping off last night's whiskey. The next thing I hear sounds like someone playing a tuba using a pressure washer. This goes on for at least 5 minutes. because of the fart or something else? cuz if was because of the fart then u have no sense of humor
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Apr 22, 2018 19:37
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binge crotching posted:Just spent 11 hours on a plane farting the entire time. I was one row from the bathroom, so everyone thought the smell was coming from there. At one point I stood up to go in there, and one of the flight attendants stopped me to tell me that it was really bad and I should probably go to the one on the other aisle. I did this on a train once. People thought that the septic tank for the bathroom had busted. Easily the foulest farts I have ever had. People were getting off the train talking about how they were gonna have to change because the sewer smell was in their clothes. I’ve also had gas that smells exactly like a dumpster in the sun on a hot day. Couldn’t figure out what causes that one.
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Apr 22, 2018 21:31
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Blazing Ownager posted:When I was a kid I took a karate class, my mom waited there to drive. LOL your poor mom. I’ve probably told this story before, but it’s the greatest story of all time (at least to me). So, back when we were kids, the whole family went to one of those restaurants with the vinyl booths. We finished, paid, and just as we were getting up to leave, my mother ripped this huge fart. We started giggling like the super-mature elementary schoolers we were, my father started laughing, my mom turned beet-red and snapped “It was the chair!’ Now we never believed her, and ‘Mm-hmm, just like it was the chair, right?’ Became a phrase in our house for years after when you knew someone was lying/bullshitting you. Like ‘Oh you didn’t eat my leftovers? Just like how it was the chair too huh?’ My mother could never live that one down and always insisted it had been the vinyl chair. Anyway, so my mother died several years ago, we’re having the after funeral lunch, and in the middle of it one of the legs on my dad’s chair broke and it collapsed. Like the gentlest chair collapse in the world. My brother and uncle helped my dad up, got him a new chair and he sat back down. ‘Hey dad,’ I said, after he started eating again ‘I guess it really was the chair!’ The three of us all burst out laughing, and all the other guests were just confused as Hell. Nobody really laughs when I tell that story, mostly due to the ‘day of my mom’s funeral’ part, but deep in my heart, I feel like my mother was a fuckin’ A-plus prankster ghost (and it was my birthday, too) and brought a little levity and revenge.
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Apr 22, 2018 21:55
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sudonim posted:because of the fart or something else? cuz if was because of the fart then u have no sense of humor I was a drunk back then and good decision making was not part of my life. It was like a Seinfeld episode though where I could not even look at her without hearing those sounds. She was also a tad on the insane side.
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Apr 23, 2018 00:42
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I had some weapons grade farts after eating super hot Indian food the night before and was just ripping all morning. I started trying to go off somewhere so no one would have to deal with the stench but after holding one in for a time I walk to a secluded corner and let loose the worst of the day. Two seconds later a coworker walks up to ask a question and is visibly knocked back. He's just stunned for a second and says "Jesus dude, what's wrong with you? That is powerful, it made me feel warm when I walked into it. gently caress man!" And he walks away. Just today I was in the closet looking for glue when I let a "three pieces of pizza in a lactose intolerant stomach" gurgler go. I got up, turned around and the girlfriend is standing right there. I hand her the glue, she sniffs the tube and says in her cute little Spanish accent "this glue smells funn...OH MY GOD!" In her panic to leave she turned around and ran straight into the partially opened door, fell over and scrabbled out of the closet on her hands and knees. Is this domestic abuse?
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Apr 23, 2018 03:05
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Had Little Caesar's most cheesiest pizza last night because I was lazy, didn't feel like cooking, and was feeling super stingy about spending more than $10 for dinner, so why not, I said. It was actually really loving good, and I didn't feel any farty or poopy repercussions for eating said pizza last night. Yet. This morning as I slowly and begrudgingly awoke from my nightly slumber, I felt like an overinflated balloon full of toxic gas. I thought nothing of it because I usually expel a good morning fart every morning since I apparently don't fart in my sleep, but this time it felt different. I flipped from laying on my side to laying on my stomach. Bad move. What happened next sounded like a powerful sousaphone blast full of pudding and meat that left my cheeks hurting from the intense flapping and slapping they experienced. The smell that followed could only be described as a pig farm meets a CSI body farm. I giggled in bed like a malevolent child afterward. A good start to the day. You Are A Werewolf fucked around with this message at 03:26 on Apr 23, 2018 |
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Apr 23, 2018 03:23
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I Brake For MILFs posted:BLOOD QUEEF. ...alright, then. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvlDSCVtzMM
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Apr 23, 2018 03:35
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I've been eating nothing but seafood and drinking beer all weekend. I've got the window open in my man cave trying to air things out before I go to bed and horrify my wife.
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Apr 23, 2018 03:35
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A few years back, I made some cheese straws. you know the sticks of pastry with cheese mixed in, anyway I got creative and drumped a lot and I mean a _lot_ of rosemary and thyme into them, not sure why, but I figured it'd be fun. Nobody else seemed impressed though, I thought they were great and basically ended up having to eat the entire batch myself before they went stale. For 3 days after that, every time I farted it smelled like stuffing. Instant christmas dinner. More recently I got these orange chocolate cookies, that were really awesome, I didn't realise how many of those I must have eaten over one day just wandering back and forth. At about midnight I did one long, loud fart. It smelt like orange chocolate. I was baffled and impressed, but didn't get to think about it long because suddenly I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts. It was a close call getting to the bathroom. What happened next smelled far more sinister. 
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Apr 23, 2018 09:30
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LadyPictureShow posted:LOL your poor mom. When my dad got remarried, he and my stepmother decided they only wanted their immediate family to attend. It was just my step-siblings, my sister, and my stepmom's mother. They decided to have it in the "little chapel" of our synagogue, which has excellent acoustics. Before we headed to the temple, my step-brother ate a couple of bananas. Somewhere in the middle of the ceremony, my step-brother blew rear end which reverberated magnificently off of the wooden pews. My little step-sister and I lost it. Every time one of us would manage to rein in the laughter, the other would start laughing again. I don't remember if we could see my stepbrother around the step-grandmother, but she kept giving us dirty looks which would set us off again. Then my dad peered over his shoulder to scowl at us. I think that might be when we finally got ahold of ourselves. Apparently my dad was too nervous to hear the Gary and the other step-sisters were old enough that my stepmother's insistence that farting was crass had already sunk in. My step-brother just said,"sorry, bananas give me gas." No, my stepmother has no sense of humor.
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Apr 23, 2018 11:16
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