Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Indolent Bastard: Oct 26, 2007; I WON THIS AMAZING AVATAR! I'M A WINNER! WOOOOO!

Incoherence posted:

He should have signed a Lego-tract with his fiancee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7_Cr6NgAz8&t=163s

# ? May 29, 2018 14:21

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# ? May 24, 2024 15:24

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I've officially hit the lowest point in my life. I regularly see prostitutes because it's the only way I can get laid. I have never been on a date in my life at 33 and have never kissed a girl who I didn't have to pay extra to do so.

I saw a new girl advertising with no reviews anywhere which is a red flag but there was nothing else available and I felt like taking a risk. I get to her motel room and do the formalities and she tells me to get comfortable and goes into the bathroom. I take my clothes off and lay in the bed and all of a sudden this big black dude with a gun comes out of the closet and tells me to stay where I am and I won't get hurt and so on.

I immediately start crying and the guy keeps saying "dude cut that out you're fine just don't move" as he goes through my wallet. The girl comes out and is like "baby maybe we should just let him go" and the guy agrees saying "you're right, i'm going to hell if I rob this pathetic n*gga". At this point I'm like straight up sobbing and the guy leaves the room and the girl spends the next 20 minutes calming me down and basically acting like a therapist.

After I composed myself I handed her 50 dollars as a "tip", which is stupid as hell considering that she was going to take all 300 and all my cards half an hour ago, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Like how bad is it that you not only are too ugly/pathetic to get laid but also to get robbed? It would have sucked but at least I'd have some semblance of dignity afterward.

"I felt like taking a risk"

I dunno I don't wanna sound like a broken record here but y'know what would be a better idea than treating call girls who try to scam you like therapists, is treating a therapist like a therapist. Stop placing so much value on whether you can get laid and try to get your own poo poo sorted out first.

Also they won't rob you, which is great

quote:

This is lengthy and I didn't proofread this, so apologies.

I'm having relationship issues and I don't know what to do.

My girlfriend [23] and I [24] first started dating in September 2013. I broke up with her in June 2015. We never really stopped talking though, and started sleeping together again by the end of the year. She and her family (she lives with her parents, as do I) ended up moving 2 hours away, but I still made sure to see her when she was visiting her sister who stills lives in town. Eventually she and her family moved back into town, and we quickly became an item again. During this time, I've been going to the college thing. I'll hopefully graduate in Winter 2019 with a Comp Sci degree.

Very soon after we originally started dating, she was diagnosed with Asperger's. She was bullied pretty heavily in high school and has some severe body image issues. Just a lot of mental baggage in general, but I do too so I sympathize with her.

It's just really loving hard. I'm doing what I can to encourage her and support her. She actually got a part time job on her own this year and I'm very proud of her for it. She's also expressed wanting to learn how to drive, which I 100% believe she will go for at some time in the future. Despite the progress she's made, I'm not happy with the relationship. It feels like I'm taking care of a child sometimes. I've expressed to her that I often feel like a caretaker and she understands how I feel, which is why she's trying to do more to become independent, like getting a job. She also has trouble handling her emotion sometimes. She can be very childish with things like taking criticism, but hopefully the job can alleviate that a bit.

My friends have expressed their concern with me getting back with her, which I understand. One thing one of them said that always stuck with me though is, �Don't waste your 20's.� I'll admit a part of me wants to have the freedom to have a one night stand every once in awhile..

But despite the negatives, she's the most loving, most compassionate person I've ever met, and fiercely loyal, too. She doesn't know it, but she's incredibly strong.

And today, we nearly broke up again. I've been bottling up how I've been feeling about our relationship for awhile now, though she knew something was up. This morning I sent her a message saying we needed to talk. I think at that time, my intent was going to be break up with her. I mean, why else do you send that message? I got to her place and she already knew what was going to happen. We cried and talked for the next two hours. We talked about what went wrong. There was a big failure to communicate feelings, especially on my part. I just didn't want to hurt her. She said maybe we can do a couples therapy thing.

Then her mother came home and saw as crying. Her mother is a wonderful woman, and she often expresses the positive changes in my girlfriend since I've been in her life. She told us that we should give it a little more time to see if ending it was the right thing to do. Now I when I walked into my gf's house today, I felt I was doing the right thing by ending it. What her mom said did make me second guess myself. I do kinda have mixed feelings about her getting involved, though I get why she did.

To cool us of off for a bit, she offered to by us lunch. After lunch though my gf continued talking for a little bit. She asked a tough question to ask, �What is it about me that makes you want to break up?�
Now I don't know if this has to do with Asperger's or not, but my gf can get very emotional, to the point of it being hard to function. I said that I don't know if I'll be able to deal with stuff like that for the rest of my life, and that when it does happen, it makes me emotional exhausted helping her manage her feelings.
When she heard that she put all the things I left over there in a bag and told me she hoped I would find someone better than her. My heart loving sank and we both started sobbing. Her mother came back into the room and reiterated that we should wait until we weren't super emotional to make a final decision. We cried for a bit more and I handed her back the bag with my things. Then I went back to my house. I'm driving her to work tomorrow morning. In the evening, I'm going to talk to my older sisters about all this. I'm very lucky to have sisters who, when they hear that their baby brother (by over tens years) needs someone to talk to, tell me to come see them the next day.

I told my gf before I left that I still don't know what's best for us, but we need to acknowledge that how we are now, bottling everything up and letting it fester, isn't working. I guess last night, she was struggling badly with her body image issues and cried herself to sleep. She didn't want to tell me though because of how she didn't want to burden me. I feel awful. I want to support her and give her all the love in the world that she deserves and more. Its so draining, though.

I know the fairy tale happily ever after ending doesn't exist, but I want it goddammit, and I want it to be with her. I'm so afraid of life without her, but I'm also afraid that I'll be her crutch. We've been in each others lives for nearly 5 years now. And I want her to grow and become the self-sufficient, amazing, talented woman I know she can be. I don't want to give up on her, but I know I have to think about my own mental health.

Don't be surprised if you see this on r/relationsips, by the way. There's so much more detail that could've gone into this but I felt it was long enough. That said, thank you for reading.

Did a search, this is not on r/r yet which is surprising since I half expected it to be a C+P from there

Anyway, I dunno what to tell you, dude, breaking up with people is hard, but it sounds like it's the right thing to do here and both of you know it, and you only haven't done it yet because it's scary. Are you and her mom her only coping mechanisms for her Asperger's? Because if so at least one of you (possibly both) has a thread title to read.

Plenty of young nerds stay in bad situations because they figure they'll never find anything better. I assure you that's absolutely not the case.

# ? May 30, 2018 20:11

MarcusSA: Sep 23, 2007

Yeah man breaking up sucks but if you aint happy then you aint happy. Don't stay in something that isn't making you happy because we all know how that ends.

How do I [50m] tell my wife [48f ] that I've been unhappy for the last 18 years.

# ? May 30, 2018 20:27

Dawncloack: Nov 26, 2007; ECKS DEE!; Nap Ghost

loquacius posted:

I assure you that's absolutely not the case.

As a haver of gray hair I cannot exaggerate how true this is.

# ? May 30, 2018 20:49

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Pretty sure that first fesh was already sent in once.

# ? May 30, 2018 20:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

RFC2324 posted:

Pretty sure that first fesh was already sent in once.

We've seen stuff like it before certainly but a search for "no reviews anywhere" didn't turn up any other results

# ? May 30, 2018 21:01

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

loquacius posted:

We've seen stuff like it before certainly but a search for "no reviews anywhere" didn't turn up any other results

I definitely remember one with a similar premise, but the fesher actually got robbed but I could be remembering wrong.

# ? May 30, 2018 21:08

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

guess searching for "prostitute" would get us WAY too many hits

# ? May 30, 2018 21:18

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

also please allow me a quiet lol at the idea that there is a hooker Yelp

It sounds absolutely necessary or else more dudes would be getting robbed all the time, sure, it's just a funny idea to me

# ? May 30, 2018 21:19

P-Mack: Nov 10, 2007

If it sounds familiar it's because it actually happens, a lot. Mongering ain't easy.

# ? May 30, 2018 21:20

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

loquacius posted:

hooker Yelp

Please tell me it's called Moan

# ? May 30, 2018 21:25

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

I have a high suspicion the second confessor cheated on his gf and is guilt tripping himself (and possibly being guilt tripped by the mom) into staying in a bad relationship

# ? May 30, 2018 21:32

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Prostitution review websites are awesome because like 1/3 of users subscribe to the "one username for everything" philosophy so you can contrast okcupid tim4569's "I'm just a loveable old fashioned gentleman" scthick with rubmaps tim4569's dismissive review of a trafficked Asian lady's enthusiasm.

# ? May 30, 2018 22:11

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:

Prostitution review websites are awesome because like 1/3 of users subscribe to the "one username for everything" philosophy so you can contrast okcupid tim4569's "I'm just a loveable old fashioned gentleman" scthick with rubmaps tim4569's dismissive review of a trafficked Asian lady's enthusiasm.

my favorite thing about them beyond that is how almost all of them are just like "yeah i ate her out and i confirmed at least 5 orgasms, that's only something you can get with the connection i have with her guys heh just saying she is wild if you have my technique" etc.

# ? May 30, 2018 22:34

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

wait, these review websites are real? where the gently caress do you find them?

# ? May 30, 2018 23:06

MarcusSA: Sep 23, 2007

RFC2324 posted:

wait, these review websites are real? where the gently caress do you find them?

On the internet?

# ? May 30, 2018 23:10

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Lmao what kind of dumbass would use one username for every website, hahaha, what kind of idiot would seriously do that, hahahahaha *furiously clicking delete on all my accounts*

# ? May 30, 2018 23:21

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

Years ago I think there was a thread or some article where people were digging through "hooker yelp" for some english region and it was hilarious (and really depressing/pathetic). The most over-used phrase was "fit for purpose", like almost every single prostitute review used it in some way.

# ? May 30, 2018 23:54

Android Blues: Nov 22, 2008

Baronjutter posted:

Years ago I think there was a thread or some article where people were digging through "hooker yelp" for some english region and it was hilarious (and really depressing/pathetic). The most over-used phrase was "fit for purpose", like almost every single prostitute review used it in some way.

Exactly the words you'd use to describe an appliance. Creepy as hell.

# ? May 30, 2018 23:57

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

They mostly shut down or blocked the US because of FOSTA/SESTA, but the big one was https://www.theeroticreview.com/ and yeah it is at least as gross and depressing as you'd expect

# ? May 31, 2018 00:02

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Anne Whateley posted:

They mostly shut down or blocked the US because of FOSTA/SESTA, but the big one was https://www.theeroticreview.com/ and yeah it is at least as gross and depressing as you'd expect

I feel like we need an euro powered mock thread so us americans can point and laugh

and its depressing to me that we have so much censorship in america

# ? May 31, 2018 00:21

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Rubmaps is still up but they appear to have hidden all thier reviews behind registration ~~and/or a paywall. Booooo!~~ lol

Chef Boyardeez Nuts fucked around with this message at 08:36 on May 31, 2018

# ? May 31, 2018 08:26

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

The only thing I have in the queue now is someone altering the previous fesh to make it all goon jokes

...again, it is the only thing in the queue soooo

quote:

My therapist attempted to rob me, which unexpectedly turned into attempted prostitution. It was therapeutic.

I was at the lowest point in my life. I regularly saw therapists because it was the only way I could get therapy. I have never received emotional support in 33 years from anyone or been morally fulfilled by anyone I was not paying.

I saw a new therapist open a counseling practice nearby with zero weird stories about her on the Fesh thread but I needed new material for a feshpost so I felt like taking a risk. I get to her office, and the receptionist says that she only sees patients in the nude. Naturally I take off all my clothes, and put them in a shopping bag the receptionist gives me, and step through to her office.

The therapist is also naked. A beautiful, naked woman. We are both naked, and kind of vaguely checking each other out. Then she reaches back under her desk and pulls a very nice swept-hilt saber out of a concealed sheath. The guard is made of bronze, is worked in the shape of a mermaid (naked), and the therapist unexpectedly thrusts the edge against my neck.

"Get your wallet out of your clothing, this is a robbery," she says. I should have known better than to trust an unknown therapist. I reach in and pull my wallet out. I toss it at her feet and she glances down, momentarily distracted.

Although I am naked I am still wearing my sword belt and short sword, because those items are not clothing and we live in a free society that encourages the means to defend personal honor. Drawing my blade in one quick motion, I bat her saber away from my neck, shove her away from me with my free hand, and take up a low guard stance with my point down. Falling for my ruse, the therapist thrusts high at my right shoulder intending to debilitate me for robbery and possible sexual despoilment (this thought kind of excites me), but anticipating this I snap my blade up and parry her saber outward, then thrust down at her midsection.

Stepping back out of my range, the therapist twirls a defensive figure-8 to fend off my advance, then aims a cut at my head which I void, but she immediately follows through with a backhand, pressing the advantage of her longer weapon. I feign an overextended high block, and she pulls her backhand strike, then thrusts at my groin (I am erect right now, they will need to know these details when they make the movie).

With my left hand, I grab my clothing bag off the floor and block her saber point, which pierces deep into the bag. Entangled for a moment in a pair of jeans and a "Knights of the Old Republic 2" t-shirt (I never wear underwear, Live Free or Die), she gives me an opening to lash out with my right foot into her wrist, sending her saber flying behind her desk, disarming her at my mercy.

Well to put a long story short the therapist offered me sex in exchange for her life, which I rejected because my sexual senses indicated that she was just as aroused as I was during our duel as I was and I didn't want her to experience pleasure from her defeat (I know this is contradictory towards traditional practice of concluding a fight with consensual sex but this was an ambush, not an honorable duel). Then she offered me her receptionist, but that seemed unethical because I never actually defeated her receptionist in combat. Likewise for her next offer, which was for a threesome.

After we calmed down out of our aroused states we negotiated that she would give me an actual therapy session for 75% off her usual hourly fee. This was fortunate because she was able to give me several valuable insights into my phobia of using the wrong backslash key ("\" instead of "/") in the Linux command line interface. Overcoming this fear allowed me to finish launching my fresh artichoke and squash delivery app for iOS and Android, which in turn led me to a lucrative career as the CTO for a major venture capital firm. But that is another story.

man I use a Windows laptop to develop on a Linux dev server and the struggle is real

# ? May 31, 2018 15:45

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

Well I dunno about you guys, but I enjoyed that.

# ? May 31, 2018 15:51

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

The first true fesh we've had in this thread....

# ? May 31, 2018 16:10

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Theophany posted:

Well I dunno about you guys, but I enjoyed that.

- said Theophany's mum

# ? May 31, 2018 16:11

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

I want a kotor 2 shirt

# ? May 31, 2018 16:18

Fintilgin: Sep 29, 2004; Fintilgin sweeps!

SciFiDownBeat posted:

I want a kotor 2 shirt

Order several. Mine keep getting ruined in duels.

# ? May 31, 2018 16:29

Neco: Mar 13, 2005; listen

RFC2324 posted:

Pretty sure that first fesh was already sent in once.

I guess you are thinking of the one where the �fesser brought a gun and when the thug jumped out tried to shoot him but the gun wasn�t loaded? I think the thread made fun of him because it was a Desert Eagle or something?

# ? May 31, 2018 16:30

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

Neco posted:

I guess you are thinking of the one where the �fesser brought a gun and when the thug jumped out tried to shoot him but the gun wasn�t loaded? I think the thread made fun of him because it was a Desert Eagle or something?

Yeah I definitely remember that one now. I'm not sure which one is more pathetic tbh.

# ? May 31, 2018 16:40

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Neco posted:

I guess you are thinking of the one where the ‘fesser brought a gun and when the thug jumped out tried to shoot him but the gun wasn‘t loaded? I think the thread made fun of him because it was a Desert Eagle or something?

yeah that's the one. guess it wasn't as close as i remember, but close enough to cast goons in a bad light

# ? May 31, 2018 16:47

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Neco posted:

I guess you are thinking of the one where the ‘fesser brought a gun and when the thug jumped out tried to shoot him but the gun wasn‘t loaded? I think the thread made fun of him because it was a Desert Eagle or something?

Clearly not a master of the sacred art of gun-kata

# ? May 31, 2018 16:55

Torquemada: Oct 21, 2010; Drei GlÃ¤ser

Chef Boyardeez Nuts posted:

Prostitution review websites are awesome because like 1/3 of users subscribe to the "one username for everything" philosophy so you can contrast okcupid tim4569's "I'm just a loveable old fashioned gentleman" scthick with rubmaps tim4569's dismissive review of a trafficked Asian lady's enthusiasm.

I have fond memories of a (gbs?) thread which was just strip club reviews, equally hilarious.

# ? May 31, 2018 17:13

Sleepytime: Dec 21, 2004; two shots of happy, one shot of sad; Soiled Meat

Maybe I haven't been around this thread long enough but I got a good chuckle out of that one. It's nice that they can negotiate and not make it personal once the battle is over.

# ? May 31, 2018 19:01

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

My best friend's husband raped me. Somehow she sided with him, and all our friends sided with her. I have literally nobody anymore.

It can be very hard to believe someone close to you did something horrible. You're better off without them; try your best to move on with your life (reconnect with family if possible, and seek counseling) and try to get in touch with law enforcement if you haven't already. This is a very serious thing that happened; don't let your best friend's denial convince you otherwise.

quote:

Here�s a short and sweet fesh for you goons. I wetly sharted at my brother�s wedding this weekend. Thankfully, I cleaned up my mess well enough to not stain anything except my underwear and dignity, but I spent the rest of the day praying that I wouldn�t mark the white plastic chairs and my pink dress with the brown streak of rear end failure. No one in my family knows, but now a bunch of strangers do!

I assumed this was a dude at first (sorry, it's SA) and drat this would be a much bigger problem in a pink dress than it would be in a black or dark-gray suit. Glad you got out of there ok!

Those were both super short so here's a third one

quote:

I think SA may have broken my brain because I'm only mildly unhappy but I think it would be hilarious to die and keep my family holding the bag.

I've got a perfectly normal house and perfectly normal job and some perfectly normal toddlers and this black hole of needs that I'm married to. Not a bad deal, overall.

I wear the yoke pretty comfortably as I go through the motions being married to the world's most self absorbed person making $.90 for every $1.00 she spends on things like designer kids clothes and pedicures for 3 year olds. I just get a bit of a giggle imagining her yelling across the house for me to do something for her 6 or 7 times before she finally gets up off her rear end and finds me gloriously slumped over dead. I get a real charge imagining her begging her white trash family for money to maintain this ridiculous life style.

Anyway, here's some loving gold plated advice to all you young folks out there: your partner's flaws are not only not going to get better after you get married, they are going to get worse Don't marry a poor bitch thinking she'll be frugal. She's going to suck you dry putting her entire trailer trash family on the payroll.

and an immediate followup from the same guerrillamail account

quote:

hey it's all good now I just drank a poo poo load of beer and pissed on her dog and then all over her lexus and i feel a lot better now

Not counting this as suicidal ideation because he just seems mad, mods let me know if I'm wrong here

ANYWAY y'know what's more constructive than either of these two options, is getting a loving divorce. If you play your cards right it sounds like you could even win custody and then you wouldn't even have to pay child support! (you'd just have to actually support your children but it sounds like you have no problem with them)

e: actually in the context of the followup confession I dunno if you could pull that off

Don't get drunk and piss on things as a revenge strategy if legal action is a possibility, that's some gold plated advice too

the poor dog

# ? Jun 2, 2018 14:08

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

dont piss on dogs, piss on your wife

# ? Jun 2, 2018 14:11

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Dude you're supposed to punch dogs

# ? Jun 2, 2018 14:19

Lacey: Jul 10, 2001; _{Guess where this lollipop's going?}

Surely there are marriage counselors that deal with financial issues? This seems like something that could be easily solved with one joint bank account for expenses plus a "fun money" allowance for each of them.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 14:26

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Or instead of being dead you could grow a dick and divorce her. Omg that would be so hilarious imagine the look on her face when you divorce her and stop being a narcissistic piece of poo poo and care for your innocent children�s well-being.

# ? Jun 2, 2018 15:16

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# ? May 24, 2024 15:24

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

tactlessbastard posted:

Dude you're supposed to punch dogs

he punched it with urine

# ? Jun 2, 2018 17:47

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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