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1redflag posted:Definitely seems like a violation of your Hippocratic oath I'm not a doctor or nurse so that poo poo don't apply to me.
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Aug 2, 2018 16:24
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PureEvil6_13 posted:I work at a hospital and the elevators are in constant use. I like to get in an empty elevator and drop rear end so when the next group of residents and doctors get in they have to stew in my fart juices. Patients are just collateral damage. It's best to do this just as you're leaving the elevator while your coworker is still on so they get blamed
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Aug 2, 2018 18:16
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yeah or just say a patient from the palliative care ward just got off and it still smells like death in there
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Aug 3, 2018 02:40
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I crop dusted the gently caress out of the store today and when I was going back the way I came it still smelled horrific.
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Aug 3, 2018 02:49
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Does anyone have any fart stories involving naked flame?
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Aug 3, 2018 08:23
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I pooted
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Aug 3, 2018 08:26
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fappenmeister posted:Does anyone have any fart stories involving naked flame? When I was a teenager, I used to hang out with this weird dude. He was over at my house one day with a bunch of other people, and he decided he was going to light his farts. Just as he ripped rear end and shot a tiny little stream of blue, my mom walked into the room. She never broke stride and walked to the kitchen. Everyone was doing the nervous laugh, realizing mom's appearance timing was actually way funnier than the fart-fire. After several minutes, my mom called me into the kitchen to help her get something off the freezer, and when I got in there, she grabbed my upper arm, looked me dead in the eye, and hissed "No more that guy!"
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Aug 3, 2018 13:21
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Lol your mom is cool
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Aug 3, 2018 16:19
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Skypie posted:It's best to do this just as you're leaving the elevator while your coworker is still on so they get blamed Yes! If there are a couple of other co workers with me when I'm walking around I like to walk just a little ahead of them and when we pass someone in the hall, I blast rear end and turn around a corner real quick. That way the person I passed in the hallway turns around to see the filthy creature and they set their eyes upon my hapless co worker.
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Aug 3, 2018 17:07
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VanSandman posted:Oh I am absolutely teaching my daughter to do this. Oh you have to. It's worth the stern looks from my Wife... LadyPictureShow posted:Every fart story counts in this thread. Especially this one, because it’s adorable. Aww, thank you 
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Aug 6, 2018 08:41
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I’ve worked in IT for state and federal courts for a number of years now. One time I was in a courtroom looking at equipment while jury selection was going on. Midway through, somebody rips a loud fart. There’s some snickering, but hey, this is a courtroom, so everyone tries to regain their composure. After a moment of silence, the judge turns to the court reporter and says, “So how exactly would you transcribe that?” She goes beet red as the courtroom falls apart in laughter.
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Aug 7, 2018 08:00
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Bonzo posted:Its cute but soon you have to tell them that farting isn't always accepted in society. let the farts fly free, idiot
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Aug 7, 2018 10:02
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Blast of Confetti posted:let the farts fly free, idiot My brother is known as ‘Uncle Toots’ by a friend’s daughter for obvious reasons. Farts trump decorum!
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Aug 8, 2018 02:27
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DamnCanadian posted:I’ve worked in IT for state and federal courts for a number of years now. One time I was in a courtroom looking at equipment while jury selection was going on. Midway through, somebody rips a loud fart. There’s some snickering, but hey, this is a courtroom, so everyone tries to regain their composure. It's not a fart story but I was giving expert testimony in court once and the prosecutor asked me what Bang Brothers was. He followed that up with something about those virtual stripper girls you used to see installed on PC desktops. After answering that I told the court "I want to be clear I know this from my professional role in digital forensics, not because its some sort of hobby", and half the jury were grinning. The woman on the end had her notebook held up over her mouth to stifle her laughter.
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Aug 8, 2018 04:48
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Gromit posted:It's not a fart story but I was giving expert testimony in court once and the prosecutor asked me what Bang Brothers was. He followed that up with something about those virtual stripper girls you used to see installed on PC desktops. After answering that I told the court "I want to be clear I know this from my professional role in digital forensics, not because its some sort of hobby", and half the jury were grinning. The woman on the end had her notebook held up over her mouth to stifle her laughter. Uhh I have to ask what kind of trial this was where the expert testimony was asked "What is Bang Brothers?".
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Aug 8, 2018 14:38
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Declaratory jusgment action seekig to declare the DVDA clause unenforceable
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Aug 8, 2018 14:53
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Gather 'round, goons, and I shall regale you all with a vintage fart story of yore. The year was 1996 and I was a junior in high school. My friend and I were always trying to outgross each other by means of burping behind our heads or in our faces, or cropdusting the area the other one was in to pass the time away, because were stupid teenagers, and that's what stupid teenagers do. It was lunch time, and we were in the orchestra room with our clique of friends eating lunch and waiting for the next class to begin. My friend was sitting by himself A.C. Slater-style with the back of the chair in front of him listening to some tunes on his Discman with headphones on, fully entrenched in his music without a hint of what was to be. I don't know if it was the chicken sandwiches I had for lunch, but the farts were already swelling me up and I was about reach critical mass. I thought, "This is it, this is my shining moment where I will outgross this motherfucker once and for all and be crowned King rear end in a top hat." But how? Then I saw he was completely lost in his music with his back turned to me. It was time to rip rear end. Like Wonder Twin powers, my rear end pressed up against his back and activated, taking the form of vibrating butt meat. I can still remember the sound to this day, like Brad Garrett holding a megaphone up to his lips as he shivers violently in the bitter cold of night. My rear end to back attack stunned him for like 3/4 of the violent fart, because he just sat there wondering what the gently caress was going on until he jumped out of the chair and realized what had transpired. It was then that he gave me this horrific look and told me, "I could feel that thing going up my back and out of my shirt collar." The entire room just erupted in a hysterical fit of laughter at that moment, and from that moment on, we never tried to top that because how do you top something like that, anyway? Later on that day, a girl friend of ours came running up to him in the hallway and gave him a big hug until she recoiled in horror from the aftermath of fart stench and blamed him for being a nasty gently caress and breaking wind silently in her presence, even though it was my own fart fumes embedded in his shirt. I'm pretty sure he threw that shirt away when he got home on that fateful day back in 1996, because I never saw him wear it again. You Are A Werewolf fucked around with this message at 04:06 on Aug 9, 2018 |
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Aug 9, 2018 04:04
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Our boy cat was super farty as a kitten, so one time I picked him up and aimed him like a gun at a friend and gave his tummy a little squeeze, and he tooted. The other best one is the time I was hanging with my siblings and my brother let one rip that was so loving foul, my sister's golden retriever whined and left the room.
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Aug 9, 2018 04:11
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FrankeeFrankFrank posted:Uhh I have to ask what kind of trial this was where the expert testimony was asked "What is Bang Brothers?". All I can recall is that it was important that I refute the defendant's claim that "Bang Bros" was a website dedicated to people taking videos of them ramming RC cars into each other. I mean, I had a bunch of actual technical evidence to be cross-examined on, but that was one of the stand-out bits. Afterwards the prosecutor thanked me for doing it as it woke the jury up and got them to pay attention. (Not literally, but you can probably imagine how some dry tech talk could disengage people.)
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Aug 9, 2018 06:20
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4Vj9CkEPZQ
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Aug 9, 2018 18:46
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Gromit posted:All I can recall is that it was important that I refute the defendant's claim that "Bang Bros" was a website dedicated to people taking videos of them ramming RC cars into each other. I mean, I had a bunch of actual technical evidence to be cross-examined on, but that was one of the stand-out bits. It’s not often that a 13 year old trying to explain his browser history ends up in a court of law.
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Aug 9, 2018 19:33
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Mid-level Manager:. "uh... Uhm... Uh. Its... It's a... a... a website dedicated to people taking videos of them ramming RC cars ... Yea... Yea that's the ticket." HR lady: 
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Aug 9, 2018 22:08
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Yeah, I've had some odd lines of questioning in court, but this isn't really the thread for that.
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Aug 10, 2018 04:26
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Gromit posted:Yeah, I've had some odd lines of questioning in court, but this isn't really the thread for that. I’d read a Court Stories thread if you made one.
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Aug 10, 2018 12:52
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Ugly In The Morning posted:I’d read a Court Stories thread if you made one. 
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Aug 13, 2018 14:30
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A true american hero ladies and gentlegoons: https://news.avclub.com/florida-security-guard-documents-farts-online-for-6-mon-1828577912
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Aug 24, 2018 19:34
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You Are A Elf posted:Gather 'round, goons, and I shall regale you all with a vintage fart story of yore.  You crashed any chance your friend had with the lady friend, lolUgly In The Morning posted:I’d read a Court Stories thread if you made one. 
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Aug 24, 2018 19:55
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Ugly In The Morning posted:I’d read a Court Stories thread if you made one. The court stories themselves tend to be dull apart from a few "amusing" anecdotes. Things like having the defence trying to get me to say that images are stored on a hard drive differently to video. You know, because you don't need special software to view a photo but you do for a video. What? There's also one where the defendant was starting to sound like he thought he was Batman, but that one has been on-going for 10 years now so I'd rather not comment too deeply on it seeing as it's still running. However, I keep meaning to update my now-ancient Bizarre True Tales of Computer Forensics. Take a look if you're into walls of text interspersed with low-grade MSpaints.
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Aug 25, 2018 14:00
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This story from Aris is one of my favorites. Fartin' in a dude's face in the most vulnerable of moments https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv-HZiOn1kk
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Aug 25, 2018 15:43
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Gromit posted:The court stories themselves tend to be dull apart from a few "amusing" anecdotes. Things like having the defence trying to get me to say that images are stored on a hard drive differently to video. You know, because you don't need special software to view a photo but you do for a video. What? There's also one where the defendant was starting to sound like he thought he was Batman, but that one has been on-going for 10 years now so I'd rather not comment too deeply on it seeing as it's still running. You remembered to include the ring!
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Aug 25, 2018 19:03
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4rE8O5cPjs
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Aug 25, 2018 20:00
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I was taking the night bus to Istanbul from Neveshir, some 500 miles away. I can't really sleep on buses or in cars so this was already some miserable 12 hours, but I made it to morning without much issue. A few minutes after the last stop before central Istanbul I starting feeling something in my belly, I needed a poo poo. There were no toilets on the bus, but looking at the GPS we were maybe 45 minutes from the bus station, I'll deal. Now what neither I nor Google maps took into account is just how bad the morning into Istanbul can be. Half hour after the first sign and we were still some 18 miles away. I was constantly looking at the GPS, and I noticed that the bus driver took an odd turn, he was taking a detour to drive around the traffic. Great, but that detour ADDED almost 40 miles. My belly was getting more and more upset. I tried talking with the conductor, but he wouldn't stop the bus, we were already behind schedule and we had to get to Istanbul before the driver hit his mandated resting time lest we all get stuck in Paşamandıra or Uskumruköy. Fine, it was far, but we were at least making progress and not stuck in traffic. My belly was getting worse and worse, and I about to poo poo my pants. I stopped looking at the GPS, just trying to hold everything in. At last after almost two hours, and four times almost making GBS threads my pants we arrived at the bus station. I told my wife to take care of the luggage while I ran as fast as I could to the toilet. gently caress, it was closed, with literal tears in my eyes I had to get across the whole bus station from the west side to the east side to get to the other toilet. About half way, I felt my belly getting very upset, I stopped since I couldn't run and hold the poo poo in at the same time, and I was not gonna poo poo my drat pants in front of fifteen Turkish bus drivers on their smoke break dammit. I got to the other toilet, managed to out the one lira coin into the box, I got in, took of my pants, and with seconds to spare I was saved, and relived. I went back to my wife, relaxed, relived and happy. We took a taxi to our hotel. It was too early to check in, so we left our luggage and since my belly had calmed down, we decided to go find some breakfast. It was a nice morning, both of us felt good. As we were walking and chatting I felt a fart , but before I could react I had already shat my pants, just below the Galata tower.
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Aug 25, 2018 22:15
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Why did Constantinople give you the squirts? That's nobody's business but the Turks!
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Aug 25, 2018 22:40
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Elmnt80 posted:A true american hero ladies and gentlegoons: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECnmDUPS0vY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVr8FvLataQ
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Aug 26, 2018 01:01
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I just got myself a couple kaftans for summer this year. Don't fart in these , it just like funnels the stank up to your nose that gets real old real quick 
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Aug 26, 2018 09:04
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fish and chips and dip posted:I was taking the night bus to Istanbul from Neveshir, some 500 miles away. I can't really sleep on buses or in cars so this was already some miserable 12 hours, but I made it to morning without much issue. A few minutes after the last stop before central Istanbul I starting feeling something in my belly, I needed a poo poo. What an emotional roller coaster! Jestery posted:I just got myself a couple kaftans for summer this year. Sounds like a feature
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Aug 26, 2018 22:20
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https://twitter.com/Maffewgregg/status/1033987295823708161 "Something's gonna happen." *shits pants*
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Aug 28, 2018 20:10
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Tim Whatley posted:https://twitter.com/Maffewgregg/status/1033987295823708161 I’m imagining that ‘WHOA!’ at the end was the smell finally hitting.
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Aug 28, 2018 20:13
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lmao at fat fart guy getting owned
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Aug 28, 2018 22:16
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Purple Haze was playing on my CD player.... you know the riff... dun dun BLANG da dun dun BLANG Well... I decided to fart on one of the BLANGS and hit an absolutely perfectly intonated Eb Thank you Jimi
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Aug 30, 2018 18:54
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