Manifisto posted:I assumed you were going for "board and horny" and it was in the shape of a tree. I mean we're all turned on by lumber, right? that's a healthy normal sexual impulse, right? right?? if you hug trees too much you grow bark on your palms ---------------- |
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Sep 12, 2018 04:36
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| # ? May 13, 2024 00:32 |
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today we're going to learn about lawyers. this may contain material sensitive to young litigators so please, if you have a lawyer on your lap, have them leave the room before you read further. okay! let's get started. this is a lawyer, as seen in their natural habitat in full seasonal regalia. lawyers typically are found in a COURTROOM, a BAR or the OFFICE. rarely will you see a lawyer in their HOUSE, as their natural habit is to never go to their HOUSE unless it's an emergency or their significant other/spouse/roommate is yelling about the lawyer's DEGREE being on fire.  as you can see below, lawyers reproduce through a system called budding. during conjugation, those haploid buds might say "gently caress it, bro, let's form a spore," which is legalese for "law firm." most "law firms" are initially formed in a BAR. 
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Sep 13, 2018 00:34
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lizard sounds like jizzfart is that something, is there something there? |
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Sep 13, 2018 07:54
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I'd have gone with jizz-hard, but it could be accent differences. Lizard has some alternative slang meanings. To me the most recognizable is lot lizard, but the top definition on urban dictionary is simply lizard, as an equivalent to pussy for slang referring to female genitalia. Got to be something there but I can't find a context for it. |
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Sep 13, 2018 11:22
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hamjobs posted:today we're going to learn about lawyers. this may contain material sensitive to young litigators so please, if you have a lawyer on your lap, have them leave the room before you read further. You have captured the essence of Big Firm Litigation. Kudos! |
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Sep 13, 2018 15:53
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forrest gump: (holding his fist in the air) "put your fists down, everybody! don't hold your fists in the air!!!!!!" zach de la rocha: "hm... a fist in the air, in the land of hypocrisy?" |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:22
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forrest gump: (on the red carpet with a young britney spears) "boy, isn't she lucky? this hollywood girl..." |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:25
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forrest gump (in a medical facility for removing cataracts, on an elevator operated by scott stapp): "can you take me higher?" scott stapp: "where to?" forrest gump: "just to the place where blind men see, please." |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:34
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forrest gump: "driving the princess must be a hard job. you should have a drink with me." |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:35
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forrest gump (running into wtc ground zero): "I gotta find Bubba!" |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:39
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forrest gump (apologetically, to young man waiting for phone): "it might be a minute– they put me on hold." forrest gump (into reciever): "hello? hello? hello? ... how long?" kurt cobain: |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:47
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tony hawk (waiter, refilling forrest's coffee): "what's that you're spreading on your toast?" forrest gump: "this is my mama's boom boom huck jam" |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:49
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forrest gump (in the theater w/alanis morisette): *close shot, eyes go wide* |
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Sep 14, 2018 05:52
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Forrest Gump: writing a widely shared new york times article about how a girl named Jenny who he loved and thought was his friend took sexual advantage of him while she was at a low point, then fled unannounced and kept knowledge of the resulting child from him for years; depriving not only him of his child, but the child of a loving and much more financially secure father, and only relenting due to imminent death. Forrest Gump: revealing that he blamed himself because he didn't see the warning signs when she had drunkenly accosted him years earlier, forcing him to touch her and deriding his sexual inexperience before kicking him out of her life for years. Forrest Gump: sincerely asking the world for help in deciding whether Jenny's childhood sexual abuse is enough to forgive her for her actions entirely, or whether he can permit himself to feel anger at her for shunning him out of condescension towards his intellectual disability (even after he had proven himself far more capable and successful than her or the average person). Forrest Gump: tearfully admitting that his lifelong friend Jenny is the only person that ever made him ashamed of his intellectual capability, but that he can't stop loving her. Forrest Gump: seeing that the only societal consequence or personal reward for the pain of writing his article is getting to see people turn their online reaction to it into social currency. Forrest Gump: wondering which wounds him more in the long run. The jokes and insults from the hater camp. Or the narcissistic appropriation of his life story by people who don't seem to truly understand it or care for him at all. Or the realization that the catharsis of sharing was not so significant as to allow him to move on. That there is no such thing as moving on. Moon Atari fucked around with this message at 09:38 on Sep 14, 2018 |
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Sep 14, 2018 07:06
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holy crap that was dark! I mean thoughtful and well written but daaaarrrk!
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Sep 14, 2018 07:09
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Moon Atari posted:Forrest Gump: writing a widely shared new york times article about how a girl named Jenny who he loved and thought was his friend took sexual advantage of him while she was at a low point, then fled unannounced and kept knowledge of the resulting child from him for years; depriving not only him of his child, but the child of a loving and much more financially secure father, and only relenting due to imminent death. |
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Sep 14, 2018 20:27
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ive never seen forest gump |
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Sep 14, 2018 20:31
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FactsAreUseless posted:This is more interesting than Forrest Gump, which is a terrible film truth |
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Sep 14, 2018 20:32
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FactsAreUseless posted:This is more interesting than Forrest Gump, which is a terrible film Check this out: Forrest Dump, and it's exactly the same as my last post but Forrest's condition also includes having explosive fecal incontinence at all times throughout his entire life. |
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Sep 15, 2018 11:35
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Moon Atari posted:Check this out: Forrest Dump, and it's exactly the same as my last post but Forrest's condition also includes having explosive fecal incontinence at all times throughout his entire life. If a dump happens in a forest, but no one is there to hear it hit the ground, does it really fertilize the trees?
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Sep 15, 2018 11:44
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How do you turn a T into a P? drink it! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 15, 2018 15:16
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Hello Mudda Hello Fadda Here I am at Guantanamo |
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Sep 15, 2018 20:09
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Trapped on a desert island I write a note, seal it in a bottle, and toss it into the sea. Years later its discovered and opened. "Who or what was this updog he mentions?" |
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Sep 17, 2018 01:44
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*Writing a note in a bottle trapped on a desert island and throwing it into the sea* "I wish I still had this bottle full of booze, help"
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Sep 17, 2018 13:08
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"Hmm, it appears to be a marriage license between the author and a palm tree. Ah, and here in this bottle is their divorce documents. Wow. That tree took him to the cleaners" |
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Sep 17, 2018 15:23
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So I divorced my tree and really got the short end of the stick |
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Sep 17, 2018 17:41
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vanisher posted:So I divorced my tree and really got the short end of the stick |
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Sep 17, 2018 19:19
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Supplementary Commandments For The Modern Era Do not eat directly from the salad bar. Do not covet thy neighbor's rockin thighs. Double the mac and cheese recipe. Thou shalt not "Just bring cups" to a dinner party. Do not jerk it in the office place. Raccoons are not pets. |
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Sep 19, 2018 20:27
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a version of ghesuendeight but for farts
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Sep 20, 2018 06:15
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I'm thinking of getting a new doctor because every time I see him he is really hungry and prescribes me food. |
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Sep 21, 2018 17:28
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You know what would help with that cold? A turkey and ham club sandwich. I'll write you a prescription, make sure its on sourdough and lightly toasted. I want you to add some avocado to it too. If I write that on your prescription the pharmacist will reject it because that's not technically a club so you'll have to do that at home. |
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Sep 21, 2018 17:33
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vanisher posted:I'm thinking of getting a new doctor because every time I see him he is really hungry and prescribes me food. vanisher posted:You know what would help with that cold? A turkey and ham club sandwich. I'll write you a prescription, make sure its on sourdough and lightly toasted. I want you to add some avocado to it too. If I write that on your prescription the pharmacist will reject it because that's not technically a club so you'll have to do that at home. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Sep 21, 2018 18:03
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Why are your premiums so high? Ever wonder why your waiter always asks if you want dessert? Suddenly the puzzle pieces start to come together. The healthcare industry isn't broken, its working exactly as intended: supporting large multinational food and beverage companies. |
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Sep 21, 2018 18:33
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i used to temp for siemens 10 years ago at their accounts payable dept called "siemens shared services" and i just loled when "semen's shared surfaces" popped into my head |
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Sep 22, 2018 04:38
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vanisher posted:You know what would help with that cold? A turkey and ham club sandwich. I'll write you a prescription, make sure its on sourdough and lightly toasted. I want you to add some avocado to it too. If I write that on your prescription the pharmacist will reject it because that's not technically a club so you'll have to do that at home. if your sub stays longer than 6" after lunch, eat more or see a doctor ---------------- |
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Sep 22, 2018 07:09
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Uh hi, I'm Barry. First time here... *sighs deeply* ok. Uh. Wow. This is really hard. Ok. Everyone. My name is Barry and I'm 29 years old and, ah gently caress.... *the meeting leader looks over at me and nods reassuringly*... I get cheese crumbs, like tiny bits of cheese, all over hotel beds. |
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Sep 24, 2018 08:18
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cheetoholics anonymous why do you say your name at those meetings if its supposed to be anonymous anyway ---------------- |
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Sep 24, 2018 23:03
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Cubone posted:I was planning to rob the strip club but when I went I had to call it off because there was a policeman inside, and a fireman, and a cowboy look I don't want to pay myself on the back but this joke freaking rules e: or pat myself on the back either Cubone fucked around with this message at 07:36 on Sep 25, 2018 |
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Sep 25, 2018 06:56
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that is a good one  sir-mix-a-lot becomes an organ donor on one condition: he gets a custom donor card, so he can write "use me, use me, cuz you aint that average groupie" ---------------- |
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Sep 26, 2018 14:29
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| # ? May 13, 2024 00:32 |
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kratos from god of war shouting "soobalooa" |
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Sep 27, 2018 02:54
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