- Android Blues
- Nov 22, 2008
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quote:“I noticed that your dog thinks she’s a vampire. So I brought her to this movie to show what a horrible life she was choosing for herself. Unfortunately, she enjoyed the film. I’m afraid my plan backfired.”
This is absolutely amazing.
Let's not drink the spray.
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Oct 4, 2018 12:52
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 12, 2024 20:52
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- chitoryu12
- Apr 24, 2014
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That dog psychologist thing gave me whiplash.
Go see the Eyeball Man
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Oct 4, 2018 14:01
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- Blueberry Pancakes
- Aug 18, 2012
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Jack in!! MegaMan, Execute!
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"I took your dog to see Dracula to convince her that being a vampire was bad, but it turns out she liked the movie."
That's dumb in all of the best ways.
Ignore the phone!
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Oct 4, 2018 14:50
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- Epicurius
- Apr 10, 2010
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College Slice
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This is, without a doubt, the best book in the series si far. Fight the parrot
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Oct 4, 2018 16:49
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- Leraika
- Jun 14, 2015
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Luckily, I *did* save your old avatar. Fucked around and found out indeed.
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Have you ever tried to punch a bird?
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Oct 5, 2018 02:04
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- Rebonack7
- Aug 27, 2015
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quote:
As it swoops toward your face, you bat the screeching bird to the ground.
At once, it flies up again. It darts at your neck.
“Help!” you shriek.
A door opens near the back of the house. Then you hear the clicking sound of claws on wood.
Batting the parrot away, you glance toward the hallway. Good grief! A dozen vampire pets are racing toward you.
Cats – with fangs. Puppies – with fangs. Mice, snakes, rabbits, tarantulas, hamsters. With fangs!
You try to run out of the house, but you trip over the doormat. WHAM! You hit the ground hard.
Instantly, the vampire pets are on you, biting you. Draining your blood.
“Helllp!” you cry, flailing at them.
Another door opens. More claws on wood. Your heart sinks as you realize: Another dog is coming.
And this one sounds huge!
quote:
“WOOF!”
It’s the familiar bark of your beloved poodle. “Fifi!” you call.
“WOOF!” Fifi races down the hall and start licking your face.
“Help me, Fifi!” you cry.
As if she understands, Fifi starts barking at all the vampire pets. She snarls at them, growls and snaps. Even though she’s a vampire, she’s protecting you!
“Good dog,” you coo.
But it’s no use. The other animals aren’t afraid of her any longer. Not since they became vampires.
In the next few moments, the bloodthirsty animals drain every drop of blood from your body.
“Oh, Fifi,” you moan. “How did this happen? What went wrong?”
“Don’t ask her,” the parrot screeches at you. “Ask me. I’m the one who can talk.”
You stare at the parrot, too surprised to speak. You’re also too lifeless to listen. Which is why you’ll never find out the whole story in
THE END.
Character Sheet posted:
Inventory
Empty
Goal Endings: 1/2
Bad Endings
Trapped under a dead body and buried alive.
Arrested and sealed away in solitary confinement forever.
Drained of our remaining blood by Mr. Reuterly.
Cremated after falling into a hunger coma.
Transformed into a bat without knowing how to change back.
Forced to hibernate in a coffin for a hundred years.
Shamed out of the book for licking spilled blood off a vampire lady.
Kicked out of the book for being too cowardly to ring a doorbell ourselves.
Bitten by Fifi and turned into a bloodthirsty vampire.
 Drained dry by a mob of vampiric animals.
Achievements
Still Better Than Twilight: Got a happy ending despite being a murderous vampire.
Steak in the Heart: Found a way to live as a vampire without killing people.
Shaggy Dog Story: Prevented a vampire pandemic, but failed to save our dog.
Our options posted:
- Go see the Eyeball Man.
- Go to Scary Stuff and drink the packets.
- Take Gabe's advice and avoid Sanguine Road.
- Go home to get help.
- Go back the way you came.
- Don't drink the Garlic Spray.
- Ignore the phone and chase Fifi.
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Oct 5, 2018 16:30
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- rudecyrus
- Nov 6, 2009
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fuck you trolls
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Ignore the phone
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Oct 5, 2018 17:42
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- Blueberry Pancakes
- Aug 18, 2012
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Jack in!! MegaMan, Execute!
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Well, that got out of hand really quickly.
Ignore the phone!
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Oct 5, 2018 18:30
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- chitoryu12
- Apr 24, 2014
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Ignore the phone.
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Oct 5, 2018 19:07
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- Snipee
- Mar 27, 2010
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What a difference not watching a horror movie makes.
Seriously. Also:
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Oct 5, 2018 23:04
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- Rebonack7
- Aug 27, 2015
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quote:
“Forget the phone!” you shout. “We’ve got to catch Fifi. Come on!”
You dash out the kitchen door and down the steps, chasing your crazy dog. But Gabe doesn’t follow.
“I’ve got to answer the phone!” Gabe calls after you. “It might be my mom. She said she’d call.”
“Okay,” you shout. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Fifi is already way ahead of you. You see her about five houses away, darting into a neighbor’s yard.
When you get to the yard, you stop. And stare, amazed at what’s lying on the grass.
“Buttermilk?” you call softly. It’s the big golden retriever that belongs to the Berklines!
The fuzzy yellow dog is on his side. Motionless. But that’s not what scares you.
What scares you are the two little bite marks on his neck – streaked with blood!
quote:
Oh, no, you think. NO!
For an instant, you close your eyes. You don’t want to look.
But even with your eyes closed, you can imagine what happened.
Fifi bit the Berklines’ dog.
No. It’s worse than that, you have to admit. Much worse.
Fifi bit Buttermilk – and drank his blood!
“Buttermilk, poor boy,” you say, petting him.
Is he dead? you wonder. You place your ear close to his chest and listen.
All at once, the golden retriever turns his head, opens his mouth, and snaps in your face!
quote:
“Yeow!” you cry, jerking away from the vicious dog.
But Buttermilk is fast. He lunges at you, baring long, sharp fangs. His hot breath stinks.
Oh, no. He’s a vampire dog too!
“Get off, Buttermilk!” you command. You push him away and scramble to your feet.
Buttermilk lunges at you!
“Yikes!” you shout. You dash across the Berklines’ yard and jump the fence. You run around to the back.
There, on the back patio, are three more dogs. All bitten in the neck. All changing into vampire dogs!
Two of them are dachshunds. The third is a big mutt. They lift their heads and sniff the air.
Then they all howl and leap at you!
You race to the gate. Then skid to a stop.
Buttermilk is waiting just outside the fence!
quote:
The vampire dogs close in on you. A small set of teeth clamps down on your leg.
“Hey, get off me!” you yell.
You jerk your leg so hard, the dachshund goes flying. He lands with a splash in a kiddie wading pool.
For an instant, the two other dogs look away, surprised.
It gives you time to glance around quickly. Looking for escape routes.
There’s a door leading from the patio into the garage. If you hurry, you might be able to hide in the garage before the dogs get you.
But you might be trapped in there.
Or you can make a dash for the house. But what if the sliding-glass doors are locked?
Well? Do something – fast!
If you dash to the garage, turn to PAGE 136.
If you run into the house, turn to PAGE 93.
Character Sheet posted:
Inventory
Empty
Goal Endings: 1/2
Bad Endings
Trapped under a dead body and buried alive.
Arrested and sealed away in solitary confinement forever.
Drained of our remaining blood by Mr. Reuterly.
Cremated after falling into a hunger coma.
Transformed into a bat without knowing how to change back.
Forced to hibernate in a coffin for a hundred years.
Shamed out of the book for licking spilled blood off a vampire lady.
Kicked out of the book for being too cowardly to ring a doorbell ourselves.
Bitten by Fifi and turned into a bloodthirsty vampire.
Drained dry by a mob of vampiric animals.
Achievements
Still Better Than Twilight: Got a happy ending despite being a murderous vampire.
Steak in the Heart: Found a way to live as a vampire without killing people.
Shaggy Dog Story: Prevented a vampire pandemic, but failed to save our dog.
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Oct 6, 2018 16:56
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- Snipee
- Mar 27, 2010
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We’re probably too young to drive, but the garage might have a bike or something. And lol @ Gabe.
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Oct 6, 2018 17:16
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- chitoryu12
- Apr 24, 2014
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Go for the garage!
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Oct 6, 2018 18:12
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- Blueberry Pancakes
- Aug 18, 2012
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Jack in!! MegaMan, Execute!
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Garage!
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Oct 6, 2018 19:06
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- Rebonack7
- Aug 27, 2015
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quote:
You make a break for the garage.
“YIP! YIP!”
The dogs give chase. You yank open the side door and slip inside. You pull it shut. Just in time!
The frustrated dogs yap from the other side of the door. Then you see something yellow and hairy thudding against the garage door window. Buttermilk!
What if he breaks the glass? What if he gets in?
Then you’re dead meat.
“WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!”
You peek out the garage door window. Two more vampire dogs have joined the group. One is a Doberman. The other is a pit bull!
Where’s Gabe? you wonder. Then you remember. He’s waiting at your house for a phone call.
A phone call! That gives you an idea.
You rush over to the car parked in the garage and peek in the window.
quote:
“Yes!” you shout. There’s a cellular phone inside the car! You slide into the front seat.
Fingers shaking, you dial your home phone number.
It rings six times. Finally Gabe answers.
“Listen,” you spit out. “I’m trapped in the garage of the green house down the street. Come help me!”
“Why are you trapped?” Gabe asks.
“Because of the vampire dogs!” you cry. “Fifi bit all the dogs in the neighborhood. She turned them into crazed vampires. And now they’ve got me cornered.”
“And you want me to come risk my life?” Gabe demands. “Later, dude.”
“Wait!” you plead. “There’s got to be something you can do.”
“Yeah. I can call the dogcatcher!” Gabe says firmly.
“No!” you shriek. “I don’t want them to catch Fifi. If they see her fangs, they’ll... they’ll put her to sleep.”
“Leave it to me,” Gabe orders, hanging up the phone.
Uh-oh. What is Mr. Know-it-all going to do?
quote:
You crouch down in the garage to wait it out.
Outside, the dogs keep howling. Clawing at the door. They smell me, you realize in horror. They smell my blood!
Finally, an hour later, you hear Gabe’s voice outside. You jump up and peer out the window.
To your surprise, he’s carrying a bunch of dog biscuits. He walks straight toward the vampire dogs!
“Here, Buttermilk. Here, boy,” he calls.
You watch, amazed, as Gabe tosses a dog biscuit to each vampire dog. One by one, they calm down. Their fangs shrink, then disappear. The howling stops.
Fifi comes trotting toward Gabe with her fangs dripping blood. But when Gabe gives her a dog biscuit, Fifi wags her tail. She gulps down the biscuit. Suddenly she becomes a normal, lovable dog again!
Sighing with relief, you cautiously open the garage door and come out. You give Fifi a big hug. Then you turn to Gabe. “Wow!” you exclaim. “How’d you do that?”
“I’ll never tell,” Gabe says mysteriously. “Unless you let me drink your blood!”
quote:
You back up, heart pounding in fear.
What now? Is Gabe a vampire too? Did Fifi bite him?
Gabe bursts out laughing. “Ha-ha. Got you good!” he says, doubling over.
“You creep!” you yell.
Gabe laughs again, then tells you the truth. “It was easy,” he says. “I just ran over to the Eyeball Man’s store. I remembered seeing something there called Dog in a Can. So I bought a bunch of them. Sure enough, there were these little packets inside. They said, ‘Danger – Keep Away’ – just like on the blood packet. So I opened one, and it was a dog biscuit. I figured it was worth a try.”
“You mean you gave the biscuits to the vampire dogs, and they changed back?” you gasp. “Excellent!”
Then an idea hits you. A great idea!
“Do you have one of those special dog biscuits left?” you ask.
“Yeah,” Gabe replies. “So what?”
“Give me one,” you say. “I think I want to be a dog for Halloween!”
THE END
Character Sheet posted:
Inventory
Empty
Goal Endings: 2/2
Bad Endings
Trapped under a dead body and buried alive.
Arrested and sealed away in solitary confinement forever.
Drained of our remaining blood by Mr. Reuterly.
Cremated after falling into a hunger coma.
Transformed into a bat without knowing how to change back.
Forced to hibernate in a coffin for a hundred years.
Shamed out of the book for licking spilled blood off a vampire lady.
Kicked out of the book for being too cowardly to ring a doorbell ourselves.
Bitten by Fifi and turned into a bloodthirsty vampire.
Drained dry by a mob of vampiric animals.
Achievements
Still Better Than Twilight: Got a happy ending despite being a murderous vampire.
Steak in the Heart: Found a way to live as a vampire without killing people.
Shaggy Dog Story: Prevented a vampire pandemic, but failed to save our dog.
And with that, we're done dealing with vampires for the near future. Next time... well, you know how it's basically tradition at this point to do an absolutely bugfuck nuts book right after a really good one? The next book's called Secret Agent Grandma, and that title is considerably saner than what actually happens.
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Oct 7, 2018 15:58
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- chitoryu12
- Apr 24, 2014
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This is going to get weird.
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Oct 7, 2018 16:40
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- Snipee
- Mar 27, 2010
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Awww, I didn’t think that branch of the book was going to end so quickly.
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Oct 7, 2018 20:15
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- Mister Olympus
- Oct 31, 2011
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Buzzard, Who Steals From Dead Bodies
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If I remember correctly, it's the former.
Worse than even the extended Cereal Goblin sequence in the book ostensibly about werewolves?
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Oct 8, 2018 05:37
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- Android Blues
- Nov 22, 2008
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Worse than even the extended Cereal Goblin sequence in the book ostensibly about werewolves?
The backdoor pilot for Cereal Troll Nightmare Adventures in the werewolf book was really something.
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Oct 8, 2018 14:01
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- Rebonack7
- Aug 27, 2015
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GIVE YOURSELF GOOSEBUMPS #16: SECRET AGENT GRANDMA
quote:
“Nothing is going to happen to me,” you shout down to your mother.
She gazes up at you from the bottom of the stairs. Her packed suitcases sit waiting by the front door. You recognize that worried look on her face.
“Do you remember everything I told you?” she asks. Her forehead wrinkles in concern. “Or should I write it down?”
“Mom! I’m not a baby.” You plop onto the top step of the staircase and repeat your instructions for the fifth time. “I take a cab to the railroad station. I wait on the platform on the incoming side of the station. Grandma’s train arrives at one P.M. I’ll know her by the yellow stretch pants and purple shirt she’ll be wearing. Then, if she hasn’t been arrested by the fashion police for wearing such a wacko outfit –“
“Don’t make fun of your grandmother,” your mother cuts in. “She’s unusual, but I’m sure you two will get along fine.”
“Your mother’s right,” your dad adds, coming through the front door. “Your grandma is full of surprises.”
Yeah sure, you think. How is some little old lady going to surprise me?
quote:
Your dad picks up the remaining suitcases and heads back out to the car. Your mother doesn’t move. You flash her your most trustworthy smile.
She sighs. “I guess you’ll be all right,” she says uncertainly.
“Of course I will!” you assure her. “What could happen?”
You follow your mom out to the car and wave as your parents drive away. The moment their car turns the corner you leap into the air. “Freedom!” you cry.
No parents for a whole week! Just a seventy-five-year-old grandma. She’ll probably spend the whole time snoozing on the sun porch. You’ll practically be on your own!
The cab arrives and you hop in. You instruct the driver to take you to the train station.
But as he nears the station you have a pang of doubt. You haven’t seen your grandmother since you were a little kid. You wonder if you’ll recognize her.
quote:
You may not recognize Grandma’s face, you tell yourself, but you’ll definitely spot her purple-and-yellow outfit. Besides, she’ll know you from the photos your parents sent her.
You pay the driver and hop out.
Hey! That’s weird, you think. Why was your name announced over the loudspeaker? You rush to the information booth inside the station, wondering what could be wrong.
“You just paged me,” you tell the young man in the booth.
“You’ve got a call.” He hands you a phone.
“Hello?” There’s a lot of static on the line. You can barely hear, but it’s definitely your mom’s voice.
“We’re – psst – on the plane... pfffft – home immediately!”
“What? I can’t hear you!” you shout into the phone. “Do you want me to go home? What about Grandma?”
“Pssssfffft – danger... grandmother...”
That’s all you hear. Then the line goes dead.
quote:
A chill runs through you. What was your mother trying to say? Is your grandmother in trouble? Is there danger at the station?
As you hand the phone back to the information clerk, the whole train station begins to rumble.
Could this be what your mother was trying to warn you about?
Should you get out of there and go home?
Or are you supposed to find your grandmother?
If you get out of there right away, turn to PAGE 12.
If you stay to find Grandma, turn to PAGE 33.
Character Sheet posted:
Inventory
Empty
Goal Endings: 0/2
Bad Endings
None yet.
Achievements
None yet.
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Oct 8, 2018 15:54
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- Blueberry Pancakes
- Aug 18, 2012
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Jack in!! MegaMan, Execute!
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Let's get outta here.
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Oct 8, 2018 15:58
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- chitoryu12
- Apr 24, 2014
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Run for the hills!
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Oct 8, 2018 16:06
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- rudecyrus
- Nov 6, 2009
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fuck you trolls
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Run!
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Oct 8, 2018 16:37
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- Junpei
- Oct 4, 2015
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Can't post for 11 years!
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Run!
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Oct 8, 2018 16:39
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- AweStriker
- Oct 6, 2014
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Escape!
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Oct 8, 2018 22:26
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- Snipee
- Mar 27, 2010
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Run! Possibly away from the plot! Possibly toward a different plot! Possibly toward a railroad!
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Oct 9, 2018 05:34
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- Jadecore
- Mar 10, 2018
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They say money can't buy happiness, but it sure does help.
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Let's skedaddle.
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Oct 9, 2018 15:26
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- Rebonack7
- Aug 27, 2015
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Okay, is it just me, or have all the quotation marks and apostrophes in the last six books suddenly glitched out? I've fixed them in this post, but I'm going to wait a while and see if this gets fixed before I go back and change the rest, mainly because I don't particularly feel like going back and editing almost 30 pages of posts.
Anyway, time to run!
quote:
The station rattles and shakes around you. Your hands clutch the information counter so tightly your fingers cramp. A framed picture on the wall behind the clerk crashes to the floor.
Get me out of here!
You spin and dash out of the station. Your heart pounds and your breath comes in gasps as you race along the sidewalk.
Whoops! Too bad you weren't looking where you were going. Otherwise you would have seen the garbage truck before you landed in the middle of the gunk, the goo, and the gross slime.
Eeeewwwww. Hold your nose and close the book quickly! You stink! You've come to a very smelly
END!
Well, this is off to a smashing start. Once more, this time without doing the Obviously Bad ThingTM!
quote:
You can't go home without your grandma. Even if you feel as if you're in the middle of an earthquake.
You clutch the information counter to keep from falling over. You smile at the clerk, hoping to mask your fear.
"Train coming!" the clerk informs you, shouting over the noise. "Every time one comes in, this old station rattles like a baby's toy."
"I knew that," you fib. You hope the clerk doesn't notice how white your knuckles are.
The rattling stops with a loud screech of brakes. You make your way out onto the platform just as the doors to the train open. Mobs of people push their way out the doors.
You scan the crowd, searching for an old lady in yellow pants and a purple shirt. No luck.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" a voice calls.
quote:
You're surprised to see your friends Chuck and Ginny rushing toward you.
"Hey, guys," you greet them. "I'm here to meet my grandmother. How about you?"
"We're going to the hockey game, remember?" Chuck tells you. "I invited you."
You remember. You couldn't go because of Grandma�s arrival.
"Our moms are letting us take the train on our own!" Ginny adds. "Of course, we had to promise to stay out of trouble." Ginny giggles. "As if!"
"Have fun with Grandma," Chuck teases. They board the train.
You sigh jealously as you scan the thinning crowd.
Still no grandmother.
Is this what your mother had been trying to tell you? That your grandmother wasn't coming after all?
You're about to leave the station when you hear something that stops you in your tracks. Something terrible.
quote:
"Cookie! Cookie, over here!"
You shudder at hearing your old nickname. You hate that name! Luckily, Ginny and Chuck aren't around to hear it!
"Cookie!"
You turn toward the voice. At the end of the station you see a woman with white hair. She's waving wildly. No way to mistake her for anyone else. Not in those clothes.
You wave back, approaching her cautiously. Anyone who would call you "Cookie" is likely to pinch your cheeks too.
As you stroll down the platform, something catches your eye. Bright red letters scrawled across one of the train windows.
A message!
If your mother hadn't made that strange phone call, you wouldn't have thought twice about it. But now you have an odd feeling...
Maybe the message is meant for you.
quote:
You gaze at the train window. You read the red letters aloud.
"Empleh. Empleh," you mutter. What does it mean? It doesn't sound familiar. Maybe it's not an English word.
That terrible nickname interrupts your thoughts.
"Cookie! I'm waiting for a big hug and kiss!"
Exactly what you were afraid of.
"Hi, Grandma." You stop several inches away from her. Just beyond her reach.
Wrong! Grandma throws her arms around you, squeezing you hard. So hard, you can barely breathe. Finally she releases you.
"Cabs are at the other end of the station," you gasp, trying to catch your breath.
Grandma follows behind you, chattering all the way. She asks about your school, your parents, and your mother's rose bushes.
On the way out of the station, you pass the train window with the message again.
I've got it! you think. I know what it means!
Do you really?
If you know what it says, turn to PAGE 14.
If you need help to figure it out, turn to PAGE 129.
Character Sheet posted:
Inventory
Empty
Goal Endings: 0/2
Bad Endings
Ran face-first into the back of a garbage truck.
Achievements
False Start: Got a bad ending on our first choice of the book.
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#
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Oct 10, 2018 00:55
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- rudecyrus
- Nov 6, 2009
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fuck you trolls
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Yeah, the whole forum has messed up punctuation.
We're dumb and need help
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Oct 10, 2018 02:22
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 12, 2024 20:52
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- Black Feather
- Apr 14, 2012
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Call someone who cares.
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We don't need anybody's pleh!
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Oct 10, 2018 10:16
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Oct 4, 2018 12:52
Good dog.
kind instead of the BORING kind.
