Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

jobson groeth posted:

I believe in something. That there is nothing good in this world and if it appears that way it is a lie. I believe in this with all my heart.

# ? Oct 22, 2018 21:08

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# ? May 27, 2024 23:02

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

more like sad-daddio

# ? Oct 22, 2018 21:35

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

SciFiDownBeat posted:

I mean I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but cheatgoon's confession is not written convincingly enough to justify how mundane it is.

I've been following anon confessions for years now and pretty much every sexual/cheating/relationship post is like this like drat, how basic is your sex life? wow

I un-ironically believe in the Illuminati alien ones though, that's my jam, I wish they would recruit me :smith:

# ? Oct 23, 2018 00:17

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

soy posted:

I've been following anon confessions for years now and pretty much every sexual/cheating/relationship post is like this like drat, how basic is your sex life? wow

I un-ironically believe in the Illuminati alien ones though, that's my jam, I wish they would recruit me

Sober missionary sex: fake

Illuminati Space Force: Real as gently caress

# ? Oct 23, 2018 00:20

OutOfPrint: Apr 9, 2009; Fun Shoe

SciFiDownBeat posted:

I mean I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but cheatgoon's confession is not written convincingly enough to justify how mundane it is.

Ghosts aren't real either, but ghost stories are still fun.

# ? Oct 23, 2018 03:20

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

OutOfPrint posted:

Ghosts aren't real either, but ghost stories are still fun.

I love going on ghost tours and hearing ghost stories and I 100% would spend the night in a murder house to inherit a distant relative's fortune.

# ? Oct 23, 2018 03:30

Schneider Inside Her: Aug 6, 2009; Please bitches. If nothing else I am a gentleman

The best part of a firework is when it explodes

# ? Oct 23, 2018 04:53

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

I know a lot of real dumb people and this confession may not be true but it absolutely could be.

# ? Oct 23, 2018 05:13

A_Bug_That_Thinks: Mar 16, 2011; ASK ME ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE BIG SAGGY POKEMON TITS

jobson groeth posted:

I believe in something. That there is nothing good in this world and if it appears that way it is a lie. I believe in this with all my heart.

lol owned

# ? Oct 23, 2018 14:54

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Atlas Hugged posted:

I know a lot of real dumb people and this confession may not be true but it absolutely could be.

lots of stupid and boring people having illicit sex. Unless fessor is a novelist, he won't be able to capture the essence of awkward sex with a coworker who's almost young enough to be his daughter.

# ? Oct 23, 2018 15:11

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Solice Kirsk posted:

I love going on ghost tours and hearing ghost stories and I 100% would spend the night in a murder house to inherit a distant relative's fortune.

What happens when the ghost shows up and you're like HOLY poo poo YEAH A REAL GHOST and the ghost doesn't know what the gently caress

# ? Oct 24, 2018 06:49

OutOfPrint: Apr 9, 2009; Fun Shoe

Ghost Leviathan posted:

What happens when the ghost shows up and you're like HOLY poo poo YEAH A REAL GHOST and the ghost doesn't know what the gently caress

Hypothesis: ghosts don't show themselves because they're just as afraid of the living as they are to the living.

# ? Oct 24, 2018 15:10

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

I ain't afraid of no ghost.

# ? Oct 24, 2018 22:09

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

jobson groeth posted:

I ain't afraid of no ghost.

# ? Oct 24, 2018 22:12

sticksy: May 26, 2004; Nap Ghost

Ghost Leviathan posted:

What happens when the ghost shows up and you're like HOLY poo poo YEAH A REAL GHOST and the ghost doesn't know what the gently caress

# ? Oct 24, 2018 22:16

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

OutOfPrint posted:

Hypothesis: ghosts don't show themselves because they're just as afraid of the living as they are to the living.

If I saw a hot girl ghost, I'd deffo creep out on it until it left....or escalated things.

# ? Oct 24, 2018 22:25

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Do ghosts even have sex parts if their legs are just fused into a wispy thing?

Gonna ask my ouija board.

# ? Oct 24, 2018 22:52

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

Ghost Leviathan posted:

What happens when the ghost shows up and you're like HOLY poo poo YEAH A REAL GHOST and the ghost doesn't know how to gently caress

# ? Oct 24, 2018 22:54

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Azza Bamboo posted:

Do ghosts even have sex parts if their legs are just fused into a wispy thing?

Gonna ask my ouija board.

Y E S G E T I N S I D E T H I S V A G N O W

# ? Oct 25, 2018 05:30

spookykid: Apr 28, 2006; I am an awkward fellow
after all

Azza Bamboo posted:

Do ghosts even have sex parts if their legs are just fused into a wispy thing?

Gonna ask my ouija board.

They fuse at the knees.

# ? Oct 25, 2018 05:36

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Azza Bamboo posted:

Do ghosts even have sex parts if their legs are just fused into a wispy thing?

Gonna ask my ouija board.

Anonymous Confessions: Ask the spirits and don't gently caress your Ouija board

# ? Oct 25, 2018 06:49

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

So do mermaid ghosts have two legs or what

# ? Oct 25, 2018 06:51

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Sorry guys, I think the spirits have left my house for some reason.

# ? Oct 25, 2018 17:33

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

SciFiDownBeat posted:

So do mermaid ghosts have two legs or what

Mermaids are just sea ghosts

# ? Oct 25, 2018 18:52

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

jobson groeth posted:

I believe in something. That there is nothing good in this world and if it appears that way it is a lie. I believe in this with all my heart.

False, because you've actually shared a real bit of wisdom and at the same time invalidated your statement.

# ? Oct 25, 2018 19:36

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I was harassed by someone who used their close family member's powerful political position to avoid punishment. Unfortunately impeaching Trump trumps my personal grievance, so I have to stay silent for the good of the republic. This makes me extremely depressed - whichever choice I make, there is only sadness.

If this is true, there's no statute of limitations on #MeToo or anything, so come forward when it's politically expedient

If it helps I rate a roughly zero percent chance that Trump will be impeached anyway as long as Dem leadership stays as it is

quote:

This is the story about how I got fired from my first job for breaking the law and then got into trouble with my parents.

I had lots of trouble in school fitting into human society and probably wasn't going to get into college. But there was this shop teacher who took an interest in me and thought I had potential for learning a trade and being successful. So he talked to a local business and got me set up as an apprentice with a HVAC company installing residential air conditioning systems.

One day we were super short handed and someone in a McMansion called up and said their thing wasn't working and it was almost time for a wedding at their home and it was like a critical priority call. Just me and our senior engineer took the van over and their HVAC was 100% hosed. The engineer talked to the homeowner and said he had to run back to the shop to grab a compressor and some other parts and he left me at the home to do some duct tugging for the replacement.

The homeowner was super jumpy because their event is only like two hours off and he was freaking out at me and asking anxiety type questions. I was in their utility room, it was my first time ever alone at a site and I was not quite sure what to tell the homeowner. Then I was looking at their system and it occurred to me that all I have to do is open and close the main air valve quickly enough, that if I see a fast moving air molecule I can close the door so it goes outside the house, and when I see a slow air molecule I can let that one in.

So I was sorting out the air molecules, and the house was really cooling down, when the senior engineer got back with the parts and he just went super furious at me. He told me that I'm actually breaking TWO "thermos dynamo" laws, and that after we got back he was going to tell the company owner that he was not going to work with me any more.

Well that's the end of my apprenticeship right there, so I flipped him off with both hands and yell "gently caress YOU, I'M A DEMON, gently caress YOUR BOTH LAWS" and walked off the job site and go home to cool off (pun intended).

Then my parents got home later that day and when I told them the story, they got super pissed off at me. My father was all like "Son I am disappoint" and my mother was all lecturing, "Being a demon means you are a being of finite capacity but sharpened faculties, it does not mean you have to be an rear end in a top hat!" and I felt incredibly shamed.

Anyway later on I got a job that uses something called "brown motion" to turn these little ratchet wheels for some outfit that's perpetuating motion or something. It doesn't look brown to me, just clear like a bunch of warm water molecules in one place. Humans are weird.

My first red flag here was "why is the house not already full of people if it's two hours before a wedding" but then the rest of it happened

# ? Oct 26, 2018 17:00

spookykid: Apr 28, 2006; I am an awkward fellow
after all

Schizophrenia is wild.

# ? Oct 26, 2018 17:03

Piell: Sep 3, 2006; Grey Worm's Ken doll-like groin throbbed with the anticipatory pleasure that only a slightly warm and moist piece of lemoncake could offer; Young Orc

It's a Maxwell's demon joke you goofs

# ? Oct 26, 2018 17:11

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Piell posted:

It's a Maxwell's demon joke you goofs

A not very well executed one, either

# ? Oct 26, 2018 17:13

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

Dannywilson posted:

Schizophrenia is wild.

stay in school

# ? Oct 26, 2018 17:41

spookykid: Apr 28, 2006; I am an awkward fellow
after all

Yeah I should have caught it, but the setup threw me way off.

# ? Oct 26, 2018 17:42

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

loquacius posted:

If this is true, there's no statute of limitations on #MeToo or anything, so come forward when it's politically expedient

If it helps I rate a roughly zero percent chance that Trump will be impeached anyway as long as Dem leadership stays as it is

My first red flag here was "why is the house not already full of people if it's two hours before a wedding" but then the rest of it happened

Good setup, nice initial subversion, paragraphs 6 and 7 and the second last line are superfluous and belabour the joke. 3.5/5 shows promise needs experience.

# ? Oct 27, 2018 12:29

RCarr: Dec 24, 2007

[quote=" post="489234352""]
This is the story all about how I got fired from my first job for breaking the law and then got into trouble with my parents.
[/quote]

Protip: Read this post in the Fresh Prince of Bell Air cadence to really spice things up.

# ? Oct 27, 2018 12:34

Schneider Inside Her: Aug 6, 2009; Please bitches. If nothing else I am a gentleman

I was excited and then all the art drained out of it

# ? Oct 29, 2018 16:17

KinkyJohn: Sep 19, 2002

The office fling goon: your lie about changing your code is so clumsy and obvious that it brought up a huge red flag for your wife.

Sort that poo poo out right now. Block all messages from the fling and give your new code to your wife asap. Take your wife on a romantic holiday and remind yourself why you love her. Try to do damage control at work and resolve that issue. Have a wank and after you�ve blown your load reassess the situation with a clarity that can only be achieved post-wankus.

KinkyJohn fucked around with this message at 18:03 on Oct 29, 2018

# ? Oct 29, 2018 17:52

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

A message from the guy who the thread successfully steered away from both his awful marriage and his awful relationship with the woman he was cheating with, to the office-romance goon:

quote:

I'm the guy who is divorcing his insane, violent wife and had broken up with a woman who was also in a lovely marriage.

Step carefully here. She's hot, she's willing, and she is everything your wife isn't, I get it. You won't turn this down and you certainly won't listen to me, but just be very aware, if you go any further, there is no going back.

A big part of why I lost my fling was because I was starting to feel guilty about leaving my wife, and I tried to go back to her, and it just wasn't happening. No matter how much she changes, I can never see my wife the same way again after seeing someone so different and so much better to me (at least for awhile).

The fling most likely won't last, either, and it'll shatter your heart to lose that after having dissolved your marriage. Your wife's heart will be broken and, like it or not, you're going to be feeling guilt over that, no matter how deserved it might be. Adding a breakup from a steamy affair to that is some painful poo poo.

Sidenote: I'm doing alright after a few months now, although I still think about my ex-fling daily. I haven't contacted her in any way and I haven't seen or heard from her at all. Knowing her, she is currently self-destructing and is most likely going to get caught and lose her visa and subsequently, her son. I worry about her, but I know she doesn't want my concern or my help.

I've continued dating and I'm in my own apartment now, not simply living at the office like I was before. I've continued working out and eating healthy and I'm surprising myself at the attractiveness of the women I've been dating. It's getting easier dating other people now too. I've stopped comparing them to my ex and becoming depressed during dates (I don't say anything, but I'm sure my sudden change of attitude is noticable).

Yeah, like I've been saying, you can divorce your wife and you can have this fling, but you don't want the divorce to be because of the fling which probably won't last anyway, and you don't want the fling and the marriage to both continue simultaneously. Divorce your wife if you want out of the marriage for its own sake, and then have a fling if you want to, but keep them in mind as distinct events in your head.

quote:

I'm 30 and I can't stop picking my nose

It's a disgusting habit but I don't know how to stop

Please help me thread

If it's an unconscious habit, try adopting a replacement behavior, like, get a fidget desk toy or something

If it's a conscious habit, I dunno man clean your nose some other way

That one was short so here's a third

quote:

So about a year ago I moved in with a longtime friend and quickly developed very strong feelings for her. I told her one night when we were drinking and she was cool with it but not into girls. We talked about it and that was that.

Now I'm moving across the country for a new job and it's brought everything back up to the surface. I know it's the best move and it isn't doing me any good pining away for a straight girl and I'm not looking for advice or anything like that. I just needed to say this to someone where it wouldn't make things weird or uncomfortable.

Good for you moving out! Honestly I don't really know how one could live with someone while harboring "very strong feelings" for them knowing they can never reciprocate, sounds like a disaster. Hope your move and your new job go well

# ? Oct 29, 2018 18:47

alpaca diseases: May 19, 2009

OfficeGoon- your wife knows and she�s probably making arrangements to leave right now, which may or may not involve loving you over

You�re the stupid/oblivious one if you think even for a second she fell for �oh my phone code that I�ve had for however long was suddenly too hard for me to remember� lol

# ? Nov 2, 2018 02:48

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

alpaca diseases posted:

OfficeGoon- your wife knows and she�s probably making arrangements to leave right now, which may or may not involve loving you over

You�re the stupid/oblivious one if you think even for a second she fell for �oh my phone code that I�ve had for however long was suddenly too hard for me to remember� lol

I doubt she's as oblivious as the guy claims.

# ? Nov 2, 2018 02:59

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Good news, the next one is a followup from him

Warning, explicit porn story halfway through

quote:

Hey, married cheater goon here.

I finally fully destroyed my marriage. Oddly enough, my wife and I got into a huge fight about her business venture(online craft stuff via Etsy). She has a good job now, but she wants to throw it away for making and selling crafts on etsy. I wanted her to keep it as a sort of lucrative hobby for now, but she's ready to go whole hog on it even though she can't make enough to cover her overhead currently.

I left the house to cool off for a bit, and low and behold hot office girl messages me and says her departing bf is out of town trying to reconnect with some relative. Apparently he's doing this to secure a place to stay, since hot office girl said he'd be on the street otherwise. How someone can be 45 and have no safety nets or fallback plans is beyond me.

We've been messaging through Steam chat, and I set my notifications to confidential on my phone. Apparently hot office girl likes Viridi. When my wife asked why I'm getting so many Steam messages, I told her I was in a raiding clan on CS:GO.

I don't really know how to describe the sex. I'm not a novelist, but I'll give it a go. I showed up at her house, not really intending to do anything but maybe just hang out and kiss for a bit. When she opened the door, she was in her underwear and a tank top so that set the tone for the following events. Without saying much, she gestured at her bed(studio apartment) and told me to sit there and I did. She proceeded to pull my shoes and pants off, and started kissing me. I'm glad she was the one to make the first move, since I wasn't really feeling the idea of fully wrecking my marriage just then.

Before I know what's going on, I'm laying on the bed facing upward and she's literally sitting on my face. I've never had that done to me before. My wife is really reserved about sex, and she doesn't even really like oral. Hot office girl is apparently a little more comfortable with it, given that she sat there slowly stroking my dick while my nose was in her rear end in a top hat and I was licking her like a confused dog. We did that for awhile, and then she was reaching in her nightstand drawer for a condom. It's a good thing she had some, since I'd totally forgot to buy any.

Everything else was pretty much standard. She put a condom on me, and rode me reverse cowgirl. What was funny was the fact that I was so nervous I couldn't cum. I was rock hard, but I was still thinking about my wife, family, home and kids and how I was destroying that with every second I was inside her. She commented on my awesome staying power, and something inside me just broke. I suddenly felt I was owed this. I work hard. I treat my family great(until now...). I volunteer and donate to charity. I. Earned. This.

That's when I was finally able to finish inside her. It was like purging all the guilt from my body, and replacing it with newer and stronger guilt and shame. The best part was just staying in bed with her after the fact. When you have two teens at home, sex is something you have to schedule like a covert ops mission. It's all stealth and timing and trying to stop the bed from squeaking. Just being able to chill out afterwards and talk was amazing. I mentioned to her that I was thinking about leaving my wife. I've even been looking at rooms to rent on craigslist. I don't want to leave my family poor and destitute. I just want to rent a room somewhere and cut myself out of their lives so they can stay the same. I'll keep paying for the house and everything else. Hot office girl was actually pissed about that, and said that she grew up without a father(ding ding ding!) and would be really mad if I did that to my family. I told her that she deserved better. She deserved more than being some guy's side chick. She said there was "more than enough of me to go around" and she was fine with the arrangement we have.

After awhile, she got up to go to the bathroom. When I heard her get in the shower, I decided to look though her nightstand because I was bored and still disgusted with myself.

That might've been a mistake. The bottom drawer was all sex toys, mostly rear end stuff. What is it with millennials and butt stuff? The entire drawer looked like some kind of dayglo silicone explosion. Also, at the very bottom of the pile there was a strap on that looked frighteningly large. Like some kind of novelty item that isn't intended for human use.

I yelled to her though the bathroom door that I had to leave. I really did need to leave, since it was getting late and my wife was trying to text me about when I would be home. When I got in the car, I noticed that I smelled like equal parts hot office girl and the dirty sex we were having. On the way home, I popped by the gym that I go to and I took a shower. It helped, but my clothing and car still smelled like hot office girl. thankfully, my wife didn't notice.

I don't know what will happen from here. I hosed the girl I wasn't supposed to gently caress, and now I'm torn between never doing it again, or doing it every chance I get.

What I've been saying all along about making GBS threads or getting off the pot applies even more now

I should specify that your "absent benefactor" plan where you live somewhere else and pay bills but don't actually participate in your children's lives is a lovely plan and she was right to call you out on it. Do a normal-rear end divorce for normal-rear end divorce reasons (after which you can continue seeing this girl in as casual or serious a manner as the two of you choose since the pressure is off), or stop loving around. Those are your options.

quote:

I am playing a major role in the breakup of my sister's marriage and I love it.

I know we already have a self-proclaimed puppet master fesher, but is it really sporting if you're just manipulating sadsack goons all the time? That's easy. I need to do it with real life people where there can be real world consequences. It is truly exhilarating when you successfully manipulate someone. When it's something big, I honestly would say it's better than an orgasm as it reaches its climax, and the afterglow period lasts days instead of just minutes.

Anyhow, back to my sister. They got married about 9 months ago and almost immediately had a baby, which is due within the next couple of weeks. I really don't like my sister, she was always very smug and thinks she's better than me, but I love her husband and I decided it would be much more useful to me with him on my side and a pissed off and hurt sister than the other way around. Plus I thought if I did it right I could have both of them think I was just an innocent supportive brother/friend. So I started coming up with a story to get him as my new friend and get my sister out of his life so I can have him with no interference.

I messaged him and over the course of the past several weeks I got him to open up to me and spill his secrets and insecurities about the marriage. Infidelity was the big thing he was terrified of, so a few nights I asked my sister (Sometimes I even had to pretend to be having an emotional crisis to manipulate her into coming) to come to dinner at my place. I was just waiting for him to ask me how one of these visits went, and eventually he did. I of course immediately denied her ever being there, and begged him not to reveal that I just "outed" my sister as a liar. I encouraged him not to confront her about it and he just stewed on it for days.

A few lies about where she was going wasn't going to do it though. When he passed the test of not saying "hey your brother said you lied, what gives" immediately, I decided to kick the lies up a notch. I told him I found her phone and saw her talking to this guy at work he was always suspicious of, and eventually told him I found nudes on her phone (he had long ago made an offhand comment to me that she would never take pictures like that and is kind of a prude in general), which of course he knew nothing about because they didn't exist. I kept this going and made him swear not to reveal my part in it because it would destroy my family, etc, and he didn't. Apparently though this caused several fights where he kept getting more frustrated by her complete denial and confusion, which made him even more sure something suspicious was going on.

So fast forward to today. They just announced to the family that the marriage is ending. She is kicking him out of the house and will fight him for custody on the baby, which he is fine with because he thinks she had an affair and wants custody for himself. She is absolutely heartbroken and inconsolable, and I am buying a ton of points for being the shoulder to cry on. He is pissed but repeatedly thanks me for opening his eyes and he knows the risk I was taking and would never reveal how he "found out" etc. Just typing that out and realizing I did it makes me a little lightheaded, it's the biggest thing i've pulled in a long time and I'm already thinking of who my next targets are going to be. I have a feeling this one will be hard to top though.

If this is true it's a super hosed-up thing to do and you should consult all thread titles simultaneously but I'm sure you know that

# ? Nov 2, 2018 13:01

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# ? May 27, 2024 23:02

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Holy poo poo, right in the veins!

# ? Nov 2, 2018 13:12

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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