H.P. Hovercraft posted:

and it was nixon who did it, for sammy davis jr, a black jew married to a white lady

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

and it was nixon who did it, for sammy davis jr, a black jew married to a white lady

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

does that make nixon more or less racist

Spergin Morlock posted:

yeti pubes

Lote posted:

A conservative guest kept calling Don Lemon “Don Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy” until Don Lemon got angry and said, “My mother named me Don Lemon”

ikanreed posted:

Did he make it into office?

quote:

King Hussein Obama I, flanked by his bodyguards, stepped out of his blinged Limoscalade and marched up the gold-lined marble steps of Washington Palace. It should have been a glorious day, yet under his heavy yet exquisite crown of carved human fetus-ivory his brow was ridged deeply as he silently brooded. Still, his posse, boomboxes on their shoulders, dance-walked up the steps, chains and gats jangling over the din as they grabbed their crotches.

As his trusted associates T-Von and Mook-Mook the Bushman pushed open the grand organic farm-grown cruelty-free redwood doors paid for by his 95% tax rate, he stepped into the antechamber of the gold-domed palace. Outside, ShariaVentalism reigned, but in here his word was law, and all his white teen sex slaves cowered before his glare more than even the hemp whips of their latte-drinking tweeded atheist masters.

He walked down the hallway toward his office and a prisoner in chains passed before him, lead by two turban-wearing Mexicans. He spotted the King and began shouting curses.

"You loving fascist! I knew it! I knew it! I told them, but they wouldn't listen, that your health care platform was a slippery slope to all this! You won't get away with this! The will of the Free Market will not be denied!"
"Seelenceo een the prezence of the Keeng, preesoner!"

King Obama spotted a chance to improve his ill mood.

"Bring him here. Good. Give me his file." The king looked over the prisoner's dossier. A long list of crimes against the state, and a repeat offender. "You'll never get away with this! Never!"
"Hush now, Mr. Jack. We have ways of dealing with unruly sorts such as yourself."
"Praise be to Allah, seenyor."
"Peh! I spit at your torture! The Free Market gives me strength!"
"Oh, no, not anything as gauche as that."

The King grabbed a syringe from the outstretched hand of one of his nearby breakdancing bodyguards, and plunged it into the man's helpless neck.

"Now you are immune to rubella."

Kyle's lingering, echoing screams of tormented horror brought a slight smile like a crack in Obama's stony brown face as he walked into his lavish velvet-lined office and shut the door behind him. He motioned for his bodyguards to leave the room, and he addressed the giant screens hanging over his desk.

"Screen one on. Connect to Emperor bin Laden of Eurabia. Screen two: Hugo Chavez of the U.S.S.A.R.. Screen three: The High Elder of Zion."

The three figures appeared live via satelite.

"Gentlemen," began Obama darkly, "it's time to have... a conversation."

Retromancer posted:

Does anyone have the "reagan sighed as he drew his katana" one?

Minty posted:

Part I

Dr. Non was anxious to see the culmination of four long years of research and engineering. True, he didn't know exactly what it did, but it was bound to be spectacular. How could it not be? This was a device sent from the stars, its blueprints decoded from a mysterious radio burst originating light years away. Ever since Earth received it on June 6, 2004, an international team of scientists worked day and night in secret, seemingly with limitless resources, to make this device a reality. The public, no doubt, would resist such a gamble, so instead they hid the research under a mostly unknown and mysterious branch of science, claiming they were colliding subatomic particles to study the limitations of the Standard Model. The public knew it by the name Large Hadron Collider; its actual name, Halo, hinted at the project's celestial origins. Even so, there was speculation that the device could "end the world." Preposterous. Mankind probably had not even evolved when the signal was created; it was unlikely to be some weapon. Merely the musings of the uneducated masses concerned only with their own selfish existence, resisting great leaps for mankind such as this.

It was hard to hide his excitement during the weeks leading up to this, warming up the complex machinery that dwarfed the engineers. It was almost childish, but in light of this elegant device, we were but children. But today, today we would finally see what it does.

One of the assistants called out from behind a monitor, "Dr. Non, the readouts; something is wrong."

Dr. Non stepped briskly to the assistant. No, this would not do. We did not need anymore delays. "What is the problem?"

"The detectors are clocking the particles at superluminal velocities."

Fool. "Obviously there is a flaw in your program," Dr. Non waved at the monitor. "It is inconsequential to the experi-"

"Dr. Non, come quickly!" an alarmed voice called from across the room.

Can these men not do anything on their own? Must their hand be held through every bump in the road? Dr. Non wondered if other great explorations were hampered by such-

His thoughts were cut short when he saw the video feed from the chamber housing the CMS detector. Engineers were running, panicked, in circles. The detector itself had taken on an odd glow. Before Dr. Non could even begin to think of an explanation, the screen filled with a dazzling light. No...as Dr. Non turned away, he realized the blinding white was in the room, surrounding him. He couldn't see further than his hand in front of him... and that was too much, his hand was dissolving. He realized he should have felt horror, but he was oddly calm. In fact, he thought he heard a choir, a heavenly choir, which soothed him even as his flesh was ripped from his bone. Dr. Non turned back to where the monitor was, and he could see a dark figure in the light, a figure that seemed to grow.

My God, what have we done? The last thing burned into Dr. Non's retina before it, too, dissolved away, was the unmistakable figure of Ronald Reagan.

Spergin Morlock posted:

When Laura Loomer let her tires rot and thought someone was persecuting her when they went flat. Then got banned from Uber/Lyft for making derogatory comments about Muslim drivers.

GalacticAcid posted:

Retromancer posted:

Streak posted:

kony 2012 lmao

Dreddout posted:

"You are now immune to rubella" is comedic perfection

Homeless Friend posted:

⑤ I hear you.

hallebarrysoetoro posted: