let's read: the bible

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Hobologist: May 4, 2007; We'll have one entire section labelled "for degenerates"

Lutha Mahtin posted:

if anyone wants a recommendation for an English language Bible i will suggest the "New Oxford Annotated Bible". make sure you get the third edition or newer. it's a study bible with annotations which means that like half of each page is footnotes explaining things like notes on the translation, cross-references between different books, and so on. i recommend the third edition or newer because the annotations were made by a broader ecumenical group of scholars. it has input from scholars who are Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish, as well as non religious scholars too. it's also the bible that lots of entry level college classes make students buy so you can get a used copy for really cheap

Does it use the King James language? Because I'm used to the way it sounds and the morern versions all seem too "casual" to me. So I would like the King James with all the footnotes that say "this is where we totally translated this wrong."

# ? Jan 2, 2019 21:32

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# ? Jun 6, 2024 16:18

lol but: Feb 24, 2007; body is a dinosaur; Slippery Tilde

Hobologist posted:

Does it use the King James language? Because I'm used to the way it sounds and the morern versions all seem too "casual" to me. So I would like the King James with all the footnotes that say "this is where we totally translated this wrong."

thees and thous are some renfair bullshit

# ? Jan 2, 2019 21:38

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Hobologist posted:

Does it use the King James language? Because I'm used to the way it sounds and the morern versions all seem too "casual" to me. So I would like the King James with all the footnotes that say "this is where we totally translated this wrong."

The King James is a really interesting translation of the Bible. In terms of its impact on history and the English language it might be the single most important version of the Bible.

In terms of its accuracy it has since been supplanted by later translations that work from much earlier documents that had not yet been discovered but there�s a contingent of fundamentalist Christians who view it as the only authentic translation with all others having been corrupted by some agenda or another. Usually the Catholics are to blame IIRC.

# ? Jan 2, 2019 22:01

Pennywise the Frown: May 10, 2010; Upset Trowel

Blazing Ownager posted:

Some lesser known "what the fucks" from that include Mohammad splitting the moon in two (then fixing it), and the fact that it refers to literal Djinn as a race.

That's pretty sweet.

I don't remember how this came up but someone mentioned Jesus in the Koran. I did a quick google search and apparently he is mentioned 187 times or something. I had no idea the two texts were related at all besides being Abrahamic.

I just thought that was neat. Another religious text bouncing off of a religious text.

Same thing with Nichiren Buddhism (well other types as well). Well not really, because it's not a new religion or anything. It's just one guy focusing on a single sutra, the last sutra written about the Buddha so he reasonably considers it the best. He doesn't make any new claims or anything. Just a 13th century Japanese dude really liking one text. Unlike Protestants who broke off of Catholicism and created their own things.

I noticed that with Buddhist stuff. They don't create their own separate religion. They just take one thing that the Buddha said and focus on it. Not even really reinterpreting it, but I guess just really liking one aspect and running with it.

And then there's mormons. :shrug:

# ? Jan 2, 2019 22:01

Pennywise the Frown: May 10, 2010; Upset Trowel

I don't know much about religion (went to Catholic school for just 2 years). But I've been becoming more interested in it. This is some interesting stuff. Some of you guys know a lot. Fascinating.

:thumbsup:

# ? Jan 2, 2019 23:02

twoday: May 4, 2005; C-SPAM Times best-selling author

Leviathan is another lost Babylonian god that was battled and killed at the beginning of the universe, here's a pretty good video explaining it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv1l2SqLb7Q

# ? Jan 2, 2019 23:25

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

twoday posted:

Leviathan is another lost Babylonian god that was battled and killed at the beginning of the universe, here's a pretty good video explaining it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv1l2SqLb7Q

Also comes up in of the greatest divine meltdown in Job, where Job has the audacity to tell God that He�s out of touch and that Job would very much like an explanation for why God hosed up his life

and God�s response is basically: �oh I�m sorry I guess I didn�t see you there when I built the loving place. Hey Job, did you plug the Sun in? No? I guess that was me. Oh hey what about that time you beat the poo poo out of the leviathan and made it your bitch? Oh, that was also me wasn�t it? Well gee Job I guess maybe you shouldn�t tell me how to do my goddamn job. Here have some new kids.�

But then God addresses the friends of Job who basically show up to remind Job that bad things only happen to bad, and God tells them to put a sock in it because not only are they wrong, but very obnoxiously so.

# ? Jan 2, 2019 23:55

evilmiera: Dec 14, 2009; Status: Ravenously Rambunctious

Stop killing gods. I say that as a fervent non-believer. Who is gonna bury them or clean up after them? One was even called Leviathan, the very definition of Huge. That must have taken weeks to get rid of.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 00:07

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

Lime Tonics posted:

Judges 16
1 One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn we’ll kill him.” 3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron. 4 Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.” 6 So Delilah said to Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.” 7 Samson answered her, “If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” 8 Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. 9 With men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered. 10 Then Delilah said to Samson, “You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.” 11 He said, “If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” 12 So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads. 13 Delilah then said to Samson, “All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.” He replied, “If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric 14 and tightened it with the pin. Again she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric. 15 Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” 16 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it. 17 So he told her everything. “No razor has ever been used on my head,” he said, “because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.” 18 When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, “Come back once more; he has told me everything.” So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. 19 After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him. 20 Then she called, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and thought, “I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.” But he did not know that the LORD had left him. 21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding grain in the prison. 22 But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved. 23 Now the rulers of the Philistines assembled to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to celebrate, saying, “Our god has delivered Samson, our enemy, into our hands.” 24 When the people saw him, they praised their god, saying, “Our god has delivered our enemy into our hands, the one who laid waste our land and multiplied our slain.” 25 While they were in high spirits, they shouted, “Bring out Samson to entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. When they stood him among the pillars, 26 Samson said to the servant who held his hand, “Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them.” 27 Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. 28 Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. 31 Then his brothers and his father’s whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led Israel twenty years.

the bible.

This guy rules

# ? Jan 3, 2019 00:22

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

Lutha Mahtin posted:

there are a lot of readable guides written by actual religion scholars too. imo the most important thing to keep in mind is that any guide or commentary on a sacred text will bring along with it the author's viewpoint and any agenda they have. the same is true for any edition of the Bible: the choice of which manuscripts to use, and the choices that must be made when translating language, mean that the final product will never be 100% free of bias and opinion

if anyone wants a recommendation for an English language Bible i will suggest the "New Oxford Annotated Bible". make sure you get the third edition or newer. it's a study bible with annotations which means that like half of each page is footnotes explaining things like notes on the translation, cross-references between different books, and so on. i recommend the third edition or newer because the annotations were made by a broader ecumenical group of scholars. it has input from scholars who are Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish, as well as non religious scholars too. it's also the bible that lots of entry level college classes make students buy so you can get a used copy for really cheap

The new revised standard edition is i believe the most commonly used in scholarship

# ? Jan 3, 2019 00:23

Lime Tonics: Nov 7, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

100 Bible Verses about Killing Children

https://www.openbible.info/topics/killing_children

# ? Jan 3, 2019 00:40

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

evilmiera posted:

Stop killing gods. I say that as a fervent non-believer. Who is gonna bury them or clean up after them? One was even called Leviathan, the very definition of Huge. That must have taken weeks to get rid of.

I liked this weird non-biblical Jewish Book where God promises that the two monsters of the earth and sky would fight it out at the end of the world and the faithful would get to watch as compensation for never getting to watch gladiator fights and then after they killed each other they would get to eat the monsters as compensation for never eating bacon.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:06

Kak: Sep 27, 2002

Does Yahweh gently caress?

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:23

Lutha Mahtin: Oct 10, 2010; Your brokebrain sin is absolved...go and shitpost no more!

Lime Tonics posted:

100 Bible Verses about Killing Children

https://www.openbible.info/topics/killing_children

cool. see ya at next week's richard dawkins JO meetup

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:28

The Dregs: Dec 29, 2005; MY TREEEEEEEE!

EvilJoven posted:

It's a dumb book. Throw it out and start reading Dragonlance or something.

I actually tried this the other day. That poo poo is almost unreadable. What was teenage Dregs thinking? Still better than the bible, though. At least it's got cool/bitchy Raistlin.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:31

Lime Tonics: Nov 7, 2015; by FactsAreUseless

The Dregs posted:

I actually tried this the other day. That poo poo is almost unreadable. What was teenage Dregs thinking? Still better than the bible, though. At least it's got cool/bitchy Raistlin.

If you are a true sadist, and i mean this in the best way, read the wheel of time series.

you'll never be the same.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 01:33

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Lime Tonics posted:

If you are a true sadist, and i mean this in the best way, read the wheel of time series.

you'll never be the same.

I like the Wheel of Time. Not sure what is wrong with me. Maybe I was just a messed up kid?

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:11

RossMan4Life: Dec 18, 2002; by R. Guyovich

Too lazy to look up more info, but Lilith was like Eve 1.0, but didn't make the Canon theatrical release, it's all just a DVD extras book.

In the original her name was Lilis and you can bring her back

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:16

Cock Sucker: Nov 14, 2018

The Wheel of Time is fairly progressive by Biblical standards. You may want to take a detour through Wizard's First Rule on the road to rape literature before picking up the Bible/Tora/Koran.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:22

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Big Data posted:

The Wheel of Time is fairly progressive by Biblical standards. You may want to take a detour through Wizard's First Rule on the road to rape literature before picking up the Bible/Tora/Koran.

I read Wizard�s First Rule before I knew what torture fetishes were. It was very confusing. Once I understood It was an Anne Rice/Ayn Rand crossover and is half erotica and half political screed the whole thing made a lot more sense.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:28

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

If you meet the Wizard on the road, kill him.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:29

evilmiera: Dec 14, 2009; Status: Ravenously Rambunctious

Xenocides posted:

I liked this weird non-biblical Jewish Book where God promises that the two monsters of the earth and sky would fight it out at the end of the world and the faithful would get to watch as compensation for never getting to watch gladiator fights and then after they killed each other they would get to eat the monsters as compensation for never eating bacon.

Those better be some drat delicious earth and sky beasts.

Also I would just switch to believing in Nordic mythology instead, where I would get drunk, fight a bunch and then eat pork from some kind of regenerating pig every single day.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:32

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

OXBALLS DOT COM posted:

If you meet the Wizard on the road, kill him.

A Buddha is never late. Nor is he early. He attains nirvana precisely when he means to

# ? Jan 3, 2019 03:56

5er: Jun 1, 2000

lol but seriously I posted:

p.sure that the entire field of theology is people not being able to believe that this poo poo is as weird as it seems

Yeah there's pretty much no way a thin-skinned powermonger is going to manipulate religious scripture to satisfy both personal grudges against other politicians, as well as consolidate any further authority they have over their ignorant, quivering, fearful base. People always make the right decision in those situations.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 04:46

Code Jockey: Jan 24, 2006; 69420 basic bytes free

Gutter Phoenix posted:

A quick overview of the Bible for those unfamiliar with it:

You remain one of my favorite posters on SA, this was a great post.

Can you expand on:

quote:

Luke is the only gospel besides Matthew to give a birth narrative, although the two are fundamentally different and cannot be reconciled. The birth story that most people know is a compilation of the two tales. It is similar in structure to Matthew, although it was written for a gentile audience.

... because that's really interesting, I've heard this before but didn't know details.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 05:49

Jack-Off Lantern: Mar 2, 2012

RossMan4Life posted:

Too lazy to look up more info, but Lilith was like Eve 1.0, but didn't make the Canon theatrical release, it's all just a DVD extras book.

In the original her name was Lilis and you can bring her back

I chuckled

# ? Jan 3, 2019 05:51

Paperboy: Nov 20, 2018

A notable badass in the Bible who only gets one verse is Shamgar.

Judges 3:31
"After him came Shamgar son of Anath, who killed six hundred of the Philistines with an ox-goad. He too delivered Israel."

For those not in the know, an ox-goad is basically a cattle prod. He killed 600 people single-handedly, using nothing more than a pointy stick.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 06:02

jokes: Dec 20, 2012; Uh... Kupo?

Paperboy posted:

A notable badass in the Bible who only gets one verse is Shamgar.

Judges 3:31
"After him came Shamgar son of Anath, who killed six hundred of the Philistines with an ox-goad. He too delivered Israel."

For those not in the know, an ox-goad is basically a cattle prod. He killed 600 people single-handedly, using nothing more than a pointy stick.

The bible like many sources of entertainment throw around ridiculous numbers of kills in fights. Arthurian legends rule for this reason. Like a knight gets steamed and goes out and kills 900 Picts or whatever. Norse mythology has Thor go out and murder hundreds of giants (who themselves could kill hundreds of men).

I also love the solemnity in biblical passages where they'd mention in two sentences a RIDICULOUS killstreak and also a quick phrase that's basically "good jew".

'Shamgar killed six hundred Philistines. He was a good jew.' who cares about Shamgar or anything else, he just killed a shitload of the apparently infinite race of enemies who are easily slain by the hundreds before dinner time and also the greatest enemy of the Israelis.

Like, the kill counts are always absurd. Why do the human superweapons only work for an afternoon? Maybe they have a wizard whose arms get tired that is making them invincible somewhere, or did that only happen the one time?

# ? Jan 3, 2019 06:46

Lutha Mahtin: Oct 10, 2010; Your brokebrain sin is absolved...go and shitpost no more!

Code Jockey posted:

You remain one of my favorite posters on SA, this was a great post.

Can you expand on:

... because that's really interesting, I've heard this before but didn't know details.

you might consider reading a book from an actual expert

# ? Jan 3, 2019 06:47

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Lime Tonics posted:

Judges 16
1 One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, �Samson is here!� So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, �At dawn we�ll kill him.� 3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron. 4 Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, �See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.� 6 So Delilah said to Samson, �Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.� 7 Samson answered her, �If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I�ll become as weak as any other man.� 8 Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. 9 With men hidden in the room, she called to him, �Samson, the Philistines are upon you!� But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered. 10 Then Delilah said to Samson, �You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.� 11 He said, �If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I�ll become as weak as any other man.� 12 So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, �Samson, the Philistines are upon you!� But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads. 13 Delilah then said to Samson, �All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.� He replied, �If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I�ll become as weak as any other man.� So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric 14 and tightened it with the pin. Again she called to him, �Samson, the Philistines are upon you!� He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric. 15 Then she said to him, �How can you say, �I love you,� when you won�t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven�t told me the secret of your great strength.� 16 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it. 17 So he told her everything. �No razor has ever been used on my head,� he said, �because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother�s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.� 18 When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, �Come back once more; he has told me everything.� So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. 19 After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him. 20 Then she called, �Samson, the Philistines are upon you!� He awoke from his sleep and thought, �I�ll go out as before and shake myself free.� But he did not know that the LORD had left him. 21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding grain in the prison. 22 But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved. 23 Now the rulers of the Philistines assembled to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to celebrate, saying, �Our god has delivered Samson, our enemy, into our hands.� 24 When the people saw him, they praised their god, saying, �Our god has delivered our enemy into our hands, the one who laid waste our land and multiplied our slain.� 25 While they were in high spirits, they shouted, �Bring out Samson to entertain us.� So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. When they stood him among the pillars, 26 Samson said to the servant who held his hand, �Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them.� 27 Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. 28 Then Samson prayed to the LORD, �Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.� 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, �Let me die with the Philistines!� Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. 31 Then his brothers and his father�s whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led Israel twenty years.

the bible.

Lol. A suicide attack collapsing a building and killing 3000 people, sanctioned by God.

Guess the 9/11 guys were righteous after all.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 07:58

Blazing Ownager: Jun 2, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Speaking of Samson anyone know which verse he kills like 30 or 60 people over a riddle?

jokes posted:

Like, the kill counts are always absurd. Why do the human superweapons only work for an afternoon?

I was joking earlier but now I legitimately want a totally non-canon biblical game where you play one of these guys.

Just God of War'ing wave upon wave of soldier with jaw bones and pointy sticks.

A boss fight where you get to fight a lion that has bee hives in it's mouth so can shoot bees.

It's perfect.

Blazing Ownager fucked around with this message at 08:31 on Jan 3, 2019

# ? Jan 3, 2019 08:19

whiter than a Wilco show: Mar 30, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

Lutha Mahtin posted:

you might consider reading a book from an actual expert

How often does your youth group meet?

# ? Jan 3, 2019 10:18

Vietnamwees: May 8, 2008; by Fluffdaddy

Hey, here's an even BETTER idea! How about we NOT read the bible, and we all just go about our merry little lives?

# ? Jan 3, 2019 10:26

Chinatown: Sep 11, 2001; by Fluffdaddy; Fun Shoe

Vietnamwees posted:

Hey, here's an even BETTER idea! How about we NOT read the bible, and we all just go about our merry little lives?

# ? Jan 3, 2019 10:33

Grevling: Dec 18, 2016

I wonder if the mention of Shamgar is a short version of a story where he's the hero.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 11:19

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

christmas boots posted:

Also comes up in of the greatest divine meltdown in Job, where Job has the audacity to tell God that He�s out of touch and that Job would very much like an explanation for why God hosed up his life

and God�s response is basically: �oh I�m sorry I guess I didn�t see you there when I built the loving place. Hey Job, did you plug the Sun in? No? I guess that was me. Oh hey what about that time you beat the poo poo out of the leviathan and made it your bitch? Oh, that was also me wasn�t it? Well gee Job I guess maybe you shouldn�t tell me how to do my goddamn job. Here have some new kids.�

But then God addresses the friends of Job who basically show up to remind Job that bad things only happen to bad, and God tells them to put a sock in it because not only are they wrong, but very obnoxiously so.

Jobs up there in the good books, maybe my fave + even has Satan one of the pro tier bible guys

# ? Jan 3, 2019 11:20

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Xenocides posted:

I liked this weird non-biblical Jewish Book where God promises that the two monsters of the earth and sky would fight it out at the end of the world and the faithful would get to watch as compensation for never getting to watch gladiator fights and then after they killed each other they would get to eat the monsters as compensation for never eating bacon.

Insanely rad as gently caress

# ? Jan 3, 2019 11:22

Galaxander: Aug 12, 2009

Blazing Ownager posted:

Speaking of Samson anyone know which verse he kills like 30 or 60 people over a riddle?

quote:

5 Samson went down to Timnah together with his father and mother. As they approached the vineyards of Timnah, suddenly a young lion came roaring toward him.
6 The Spirit of the LORD came powerfully upon him so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done.
7 Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her.
8 Some time later, when he went back to marry her, he turned aside to look at the lion�s carcass, and in it he saw a swarm of bees and some honey.
9 He scooped out the honey with his hands and ate as he went along. When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it. But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion�s carcass.
10 Now his father went down to see the woman. And there Samson held a feast, as was customary for young men.
11 When the people saw him, they chose thirty men to be his companions.
12 �Let me tell you a riddle,� Samson said to them. �If you can give me the answer within the seven days of the feast, I will give you thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes.
13 If you can�t tell me the answer, you must give me thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes.� �Tell us your riddle,� they said. �Let�s hear it.�
14 He replied, �Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet.� For three days they could not give the answer.
15 On the fourth day, they said to Samson�s wife, �Coax your husband into explaining the riddle for us, or we will burn you and your father�s household to death. Did you invite us here to steal our property?�
16 Then Samson�s wife threw herself on him, sobbing, �You hate me! You don�t really love me. You�ve given my people a riddle, but you haven�t told me the answer.� �I haven�t even explained it to my father or mother,� he replied, �so why should I explain it to you?�
17 She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him. She in turn explained the riddle to her people.
18 Before sunset on the seventh day the men of the town said to him, �What is sweeter than honey? What is stronger than a lion?� Samson said to them, �If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle.�
19 Then the Spirit of the LORD came powerfully upon him. He went down to Ashkelon, struck down thirty of their men, stripped them of everything and gave their clothes to those who had explained the riddle. Burning with anger, he returned to his father�s home.
20 And Samson�s wife was given to one of his companions who had attended him at the feast.

Judges 14:5-20

Samson's fiances get threatened with death a lot.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 13:59

Shiki Dan: Oct 27, 2010; If ya can move ya toes ya back's fine

Xenocides posted:

I liked this weird non-biblical Jewish Book where God promises that the two monsters of the earth and sky would fight it out at the end of the world and the faithful would get to watch as compensation for never getting to watch gladiator fights and then after they killed each other they would get to eat the monsters as compensation for never eating bacon.

Yeah, I played Pokemon Emerald as well.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 15:05

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# ? Jun 6, 2024 16:18

Lacey: Jul 10, 2001; _{Guess where this lollipop's going?}

Vietnamwees posted:

Hey, here's an even BETTER idea! How about we NOT read the bible, and we all just go about our merry little lives?

but what if we read the bible and had merry lives all the same? Best of both worlds, imo.

Code Jockey: if you're interested in Jesus birth narratives, there are a bunch of apocryphal New Testament "infancy gospels" that are good reading. My fav is the Protoevangelium of James and my favourite part in it is when Salome tries to poke around in Mary right after the birth to test her virginity:

quote:

And the midwife went forth out of the cave, and Salome met her. And she said to her: Salome, Salome, I have a strange sight to relate to you: a virgin has brought forth � a thing which her nature admits not of. Then said Salome: As the Lord my God lives, unless I thrust in my finger, and search the parts, I will not believe that a virgin has brought forth.
20. And the midwife went in, and said to Mary: Show yourself; for no small controversy has arisen about you. And Salome put in her finger, and cried out, and said: Woe is me for mine iniquity and mine unbelief, because I have tempted the living God; and, behold, my hand is dropping off as if burned with fire.

# ? Jan 3, 2019 16:24

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > let's read: the bible

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