Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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kalel: Jun 19, 2012

text me a vag pic posted:

hurricane sandy was created by a fat puerto rican nerd with a vicoden addiction. this is true fact.

actually I'm Irish/German

# ? Jan 7, 2019 22:53

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# ? May 10, 2024 07:29

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Bust Rodd posted:

Also just go the gently caress outside. I met my current GF at the dog park, just letting my dog poo poo outside would have been easier, but I literally said "hey, maybe youll meet someone!" kind of half joking, and here we are, many months later, living together in sin, covered in puppies. I had a gross beard and wasnt eating well, but I had my dog and a guitar aned a bunch of tattoos, so I had substituted enough of a personality to trick her into liking me, and by the time she realized how lame I am, i realized how lame SHE was and now the pressure is off, and we can just be lame-Os smashing each other in peace.

Dogs are a great dating tool because when I�m hanging out with my dog it hides my disdain for all humans for at least a brief period.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 00:57

The Bible: May 8, 2010; Can't post for 6 hours!

loquacius posted:

Yeah you need to quit your job, bud

If it helps, don't think of it as quitting your job for the sake of your marriage or because your wife said so. Quit your job for yourself. You're pretty obviously miserable. You wouldn't be doing any of this poo poo if you were happy.

Other jobs have benefits. If you don't get paid as much, so what? You already have the fancy house.

Then the comfortable lifestyle the job afforded her will vanish and she'll be pissy and angry about that.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 06:12

eyebeem: Jul 18, 2013; by R. Guyovich

The Bible posted:

Then the comfortable lifestyle the job afforded her will vanish and she'll be pissy and angry about that.

Whole lot of misogynistic abusers ITT.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 06:27

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

He posted a followup:

quote:

Today is January 6th, and I still haven�t seen my wife in person. We talk (text) daily but it�s mostly things like paying bills, her asking about my health, and other routine bits of conversation. I apologized for embarrassing her but she stopped texting me after that, leading me to believe she hasn�t forgiven me.

To answer some questions:

Yes I work for UPS. I�m a regional manager and very integral to company success, especially around the holidays.

Regarding my wife�s fake breasts - they were her idea which I paid for. Early into our marriage we got to talking about what we�d change about each other. I told her her breasts were too small for her frame and that I�d gladly pay for bigger ones. Three weeks later surgery was scheduled.

And regarding the term homemaker - my wife has a handful of daily tasks to complete before I get home. Clean the house. Cook my dinner and a lunch to take to work the next day (different food). Keep herself in good shape and be appropriately dressed when I get home (ie no sweatpants, workout clothes, etc). This has worked for our marriage for 3 years, im not sure what suddenly changed.

Finally, our ages. Yes, she is 12 years younger than me. But she�s always dated older and I�m still able to �meet her needs� so to speak.

Am I an rear end in a top hat? You need to be in todays world. I make a lot of money and have a lot of things because I�m an rear end in a top hat. Many of you attacking me and blaming me are most likely the same type of person to cry about the world being unfair, or to demand things like higher minimum wage or free college, just because you can�t compete.

Before this small issue my life was perfect. And pretty soon, with or without my wife, things will be perfect again. We are going to fix things - the last time we fought like this my wife came crying home and begging me to take her back.

The followup seems purposely intended to disintegrate whatever goodwill people might have had for him before, so I'm thinking troll now

If it's sincere I'm amending my response to an extremely sarcastic "yeah, good luck" because you're trying to dig your way out of your hole and asking us to piss in it

quote:

About sixteen years ago, I was a biology major and pre-med student in college. Unfortunately, I was also in a crosswalk at the same time as a delivery van speeding to beat a red light. I was severely injured and lost consciousness for two weeks. While I was in the coma, I had an extremely vivid dream. I dreamed I was living in a fantastic jungle populated entirely by giant insects, and the only way I could survive was by crafting a knife and a spear, and then hunting massive armored beetles the size of school busses with horns and spikes and turning their shells into wicked cool looking RPG fantasy armor. Taking down giant blue and purple moths and turning them into hang gliders to explore the world. Climbing up inside giant hollow trees to hunt glowing scorpions.

It was like every open world RPG I'd ever played, except a million times more chromatic and epic and I knew I was actually there, not in a computer game. Subjectively there was no day-night cycle, but it felt like I spent about a month in that amazing, colorful world. Then all of a sudden there was a bright white light and I woke up alone in my hospital bed, and I just lay there dazed, confused, and in a massive amount of pain. I could vaguely remember my dream, but not any of the details or the excitement, I think that the shock of waking up out of my coma temporarily drove the specifics of the dream from my memory.

A nurse wandered by a few minutes later and called my doctor to report that I'd regained awareness, and she explained that there had been an accident, I had been out for two weeks, and that I'd broken three bones in my arms and legs, as well as fractured my collarbone and had a nasty crack to the head. I was told that if all went well and I committed to physical therapy, I would need about five months to fully regain my mobility. My family's lawyer had driven out from Rhode Island to deal with the van driver's insurance company, who more or less settled without argument after seeing the dashcam video.

Hospital physical therapy started out as being painful and boring, until they decided I was recovered enough to return to my apartment near campus, start going back to class, and do my therapy at the (very good) physical therapy teaching program on campus. I was paired with a tiny little student therapist girl whose area of focus was using martial arts techniques to teach patients to recover balance and strength. She herself was a naginata (a sort of asian spear with a hooked blade) competitor, while I should mention that the closest I'd ever been to a fight was playing sweeper on my high school soccer team.

At about the 4-month therapy mark, she brought out a pair of padded poles and said we were going to try introductory naginata practice to help me coordinate moving my upper and lower body. So she started showing me some of the basic cuts and blocks and it wasn't much different than other aspects of therapy I'd tried before. She said I was her first "test case" for sports therapy and that not only was I regaining my balance well, I was picking up the technique like natural.

Two weeks later, we were practicing for real (at least I was trying for real, it was probably way below her skill level). I cut sideways at her shin, and she blocked my pole and flipped it up, right out of my hands, and thrust at my throat guard. In that moment, I had an instant flashback where I recalled, for the first time, my entire coma dream, every fight with a giant insect or spider, every move, counter, and strike. I twisted down and sideways and the 'blade' end of her weapon slipped past my facemask by half an inch. I grabbed it, pulled it straight out of her grip, and struck her straight back into her helmet with the butt end.

She stared at me, and asked me where the hell that move had came from. I just sat down and started crying, I remembered the whole adventure in clear detail for the first time, and what an experience it was. Imagine going on vacation to somewhere more amazing than any place you ever thought could possibly exist, and then coming back to the world and your boring job and boring life, only a million times worse than that.

I never went back to therapy, talked to that girl, or tried any other martial art ever again. Even the thought of doing any of that instantly brings back the one time in my life when I actually felt like I belonged in a place meant for me, a perfect, amazing place, even if that place was entirely inside my brain inside a shattered body.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 14:00

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

loquacius posted:

Bug warrior

Have you checked out monster hunter? I hear it's good.

Alternatively have you considered going full They Live.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 14:29

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

Bug world is real

# ? Jan 8, 2019 14:41

Chef Boyardeez Nuts: Sep 9, 2011; The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Imagine having gone through college with a specific and novel therapeutic approach only to have it critically fail because your test case bugs out then vanishes.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 14:44

Ehud: Sep 19, 2003; football.

The bug warrior is so stupid

it�s my favorite confession in a while.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 14:49

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

LoL @ �appropriately dressed when I come home� dude you work for UPS, you are literally a delivery boy, or worse, an adult man who manages delivery boys. Your wife was right to leave you and your job ain�t poo poo, they�d replace you before the end of the day if you quit.

In case it�s not clear, giving your wife a dress code is something that psychopaths who keep women locked in cages think is appropriate, you are a garbage man.

Bug warrior seems real, but lol at being overwhelmed with shame instead of continuing therapy, becoming a martial artist, and then wing suiting into the Amazon and off the grid.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 14:52

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

I wasn't sure where Bug Warrior was going at first, but I was all smiles by the end.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 15:00

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Bug warrior, you got hit by a delivery truck? Did the driver (according to dashcam footage) scream out "gently caress OFF LUANNE"!!!! before you got hit?
Might have been the other goon practicing for something.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 15:00

Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

That's some drat subtle trolling UPS goon.

But in the event it's true, telly your wife her boobs are too small and offering new ones makes you a garbage person. I hope she doesn't come back, you piece of poo poo.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 15:08

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Bust Rodd posted:

Bug warrior seems real, but lol at being overwhelmed with shame instead of continuing therapy, becoming a martial artist, and then wing suiting into the Amazon and off the grid.

He'd probably be back in bug world by now if he hadn't hosed up this step of the book transition.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 15:13

sandoz: Jan 29, 2009

i'm the "loitering"

# ? Jan 8, 2019 15:22

bagual: Oct 29, 2010; _{_{inconspicuous}}

bug warrior, have you tried LSD?

# ? Jan 8, 2019 16:11

OutOfPrint: Apr 9, 2009; Fun Shoe

Bug Warrior: Be the change you want to see in the world. Go back to physical therapy with that martial arts therapist, tell her about your dreams and the flashback, fall in love during the training montage, then wingsuit into the Amazon and save us from the giant bug menace like a one-man melee EDF.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 16:13

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Ehud posted:

The bug warrior is so stupid

it�s my favorite confession in a while.

Yeah agreed, definitely the most entertaining one I've read in months.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 16:19

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

but warrior I agree with other goons

bug world is real but the goal shouldn't be to try and return

bring bug world into the real world. reach heaven by violence

# ? Jan 8, 2019 16:24

SniperWoreConverse: Mar 20, 2010; Gun Saliva

bug warrior you were given a gift from the other side it's your responsibility to bring stag beetle technique into the world of the living and become the first secret master of a new school of combat

OutOfPrint posted:

Bug Warrior: Be the change you want to see in the world. Go back to physical therapy with that martial arts therapist, tell her about your dreams and the flashback, fall in love during the training montage, then wingsuit into the Amazon and save us from the giant bug menace like a one-man melee EDF.

extremely same

# ? Jan 8, 2019 16:26

Waffle!: Aug 6, 2004; I Feel Pretty!

Bug Warrior: I enjoyed your story. Add some half naked princesses to rescue and an evil lesbian queen, then sell it as the next Conan movie.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 16:53

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

You are the chosen one, beetle knight. Don't shirk that responsibility!

# ? Jan 8, 2019 17:00

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

OutOfPrint posted:

Bug Warrior: Be the change you want to see in the world. Go back to physical therapy with that martial arts therapist, tell her about your dreams and the flashback, fall in love during the training montage, then wingsuit into the Amazon and save us from the giant bug menace like a one-man melee EDF.

two person. remember, martial arts therapist is an accomplished warrior

# ? Jan 8, 2019 17:11

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

That's some drat subtle trolling UPS goon.

But in the event it's true, telly your wife her boobs are too small and offering new ones makes you a garbage person. I hope she doesn't come back, you piece of poo poo.

Yeah, how is it "her idea" if he's the one who said they were too small and that he'd buy her implants?

# ? Jan 8, 2019 17:23

necroid: May 14, 2009

real or not I enjoyed bug warrior. you should channel those bug fighting skills into learning cool martial arts and then becoming an actor or whatever you can do by knowing martial arts. have some prop artists build you a cool bug armor like the one you dreamed of.

ups husband is too lame to be real

# ? Jan 8, 2019 17:33

Pastry of the Year: Apr 12, 2013

Colonel Cancer posted:

You are the chosen one, beetle knight. Don't shirk that responsibility!

# ? Jan 8, 2019 17:36

HerStuddMuffin: Aug 10, 2014; YOSPOS

loquacius posted:

He posted a followup:

If it's sincere I'm amending my response to an extremely sarcastic "yeah, good luck" because you're trying to dig your way out of your hole ~~and~~by asking us to piss in it

A sensible approach, considering some turds do float.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 22:05

cock hero flux: Apr 17, 2011

you can literally go out into the woods and fight bugs right now, nothing is stopping you

# ? Jan 8, 2019 22:51

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

cock hero flux posted:

you can literally go out into the woods and fight bugs right now, nothing is stopping you

Smoke enough meth and soon the bugs will be under your skin and you can wage the eternal bug war.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 22:56

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Or right your experience down, but replace yourself with a woman, and then add a handsome jungle man who loves you and gives you magic powers for boning him, and you�ll become a millionaire with multiple screenplay options by the end of the year.

# ? Jan 8, 2019 23:01

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Bug survival goon, you should play Hollow Knight some time, it might be therapeutic

# ? Jan 8, 2019 23:33

Atlas Hugged: Mar 12, 2007; Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all

I'm reminded of that Phillip K. Dick story where the spiders and insects have been fighting an intergalactic war for thousands of years. Great twist in that one.

# ? Jan 9, 2019 00:23

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Araenna posted:

Yeah, how is it "her idea" if he's the one who said they were too small and that he'd buy her implants?

Easy, their conversation went exactly like this:

:downs:

YOUR TITS ARE TOO SMALL PRAIRIE CHEST!!!

:j:

THEN BUY ME SOME loving IMPLANTS JERK!!

:downs:

# ? Jan 9, 2019 00:57

The Bible: May 8, 2010; Can't post for 6 hours!

Nevermind, UPS guy really is just an rear end in a top hat.

Or fake.

# ? Jan 9, 2019 01:07

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

Lol this is all bait.

# ? Jan 9, 2019 01:11

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

LingcodKilla posted:

Lol this is all bait.

You trying to ay puppet master goon strikes again?

drat!!

# ? Jan 9, 2019 01:38

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

The post everyone's been waiting for

quote:

Married cheater goon here.

Well, I finally hosed up my marriage. Even though things were going great with hot office girl and my wife, I just couldn't handle the stress anymore. It might've been different if hot office girl wasn't spending every waking moment at my house. It got to the point where I was loving my wife, and then loving hot office girl later on in my laundry room or garage. I suggested that we start doing it at her house more, but hot office girl was totally fine with me plowing her up against the washing machine or on a sleeping bag next to my wife's car. I still don't get it. I really don't know much about hot office girl, besides her former drinking problems and whatever little information she shares about her past. It's usually not much. I don't know how someone as attractive as she is would be so accommodating of a cheater and an adulterous relationship. I can't even take her out on a decent date. Why the hell would she be so tolerant of this?

Finally, I just snapped a week ago. I came home from work, and I had a sort of epiphany where my foreseeable future was wrapped up in dealing with work, my wife, and still finding time to do my volunteer stuff and regularly gently caress hot office girl. I just couldn't do it anymore. I set my gym bag down in the doorway and told my wife everything while she was sitting in the living room reading. She didn't say anything, but she was crying and just nodded a few times.

I went out to my car and just started driving. Hot office girl texted me about 30 times, trying to find out what was going on and why my wife wasn't talking to her. I called my boss, the owner of the little company I work for, and told him everything. I was expecting him to fire one of us, but he just said that he understood and offered for me to live in his guest house for the time being. So, that's where I've been. I text my boys regularly, and we chat thought Steam all the time. I also go hiking with them, so I'll still see them often enough but it still hurts not seeing them all the time. The last time I saw my wife in person was to pickup some clothes and my laptop. It's been radio silence ever since. My boys say that she's just the same as she ever was. I still worry about her, and I feel like poo poo for doing this to her.

My wife is pissed at hot office girl and isn't talking to her, naturally. There were a few days where hot office girl didn't talk to me, but she came around and we slowly started back into our usual routine. I still haven't gone on a normal date with her yet, since I live in a small-ish town and I don't need everyone I know talking about my girlfriend who looks half my age.

I don't know where things will go from here. I don't even know if I want a legit relationship with hot office girl. I don't really know much about her, and she may have a lot of flaws(outside of being a recovering alcoholic) that make her a bad choice for a mate. Then again, we get along really well. We seem to connect so easily, so maybe there is something there.

A little anticlimactic really

I'm glad you finally picked; I dunno if I would have picked the same choice you did but gently caress at least it's a choice

I'm gonna say what I say to most people who just got out of a long relationship: maybe try just being by yourself for a little while and see how you feel then, don't feel pressured into anything

quote:

I don't think anyone remembers this story I sent in a while ago, but the followup is too good not to share IMO.

A long, long time ago I submitted a short post here about my co-worker/friend who was a huge Patriots fan, and when his wife shot down the idea of naming his first daughter Patricia, he suggested "Espen" after ESPN Sports. She didn't realize it was a sports name and agreed. And I was conflicted between keeping the secret, and telling her just to see what would happen and cause drama.

They threw a pool party in June last year and everyone was having a great time, and we were swapping stories so I decided to tell everyone the truth about Espen's name. This happened to be right before they made the announcement that she was pregnant with their second child.

She thought it was hilarious that her husband put a joke over her head like that, but also because of that, she reserved the right to name this next child unilaterally.

Last week, my friends announced the birth of their second child. Which according to my co-worker is named "Euterpe" in honor of his wife's grandmother, who was an extremely talented flute player who perished in the Holocaust, and whose actual name isn't remembered. "It's not a name I'd have picked," he told me, "and part of that's your fault. But I'm ok with that."

I just find this uplifting somehow.

Yikes

Euterpe would also be an excellent tribute to her grandma if it were the kid's middle name but I guess fair is fair...? I dunno I don't think that deal is exactly fair; the equivalent would have been if he said "no it's Patricia and that's that" and also if Patricia were a really weird name

At least he didn't get in trouble I guess :shrug:

The real punchline is that Matt Patricia is no longer the Pats' defensive coordinator and is instead doing a really bad job as the Lions' head coach

# ? Jan 9, 2019 14:47

hazardousmouse: Dec 17, 2010

Google informs me that UTRP may be an acronym for undertale roleplay and if so, goddamn that�s a hateful wife/ mother

# ? Jan 9, 2019 17:04

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Raptor1033 posted:

Google informs me that UTRP may be an acronym for undertale roleplay and if so, goddamn that�s a hateful wife/ mother

lol

kid in car asking dad about name meme

# ? Jan 9, 2019 17:12

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# ? May 10, 2024 07:29

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Between the name bullying and their weirdo parents, Espen and Euterpe are gonna have a really rough childhood

# ? Jan 9, 2019 17:29

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