Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›573 »

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

My favorite is when people use like 4 to build a barrier/poop chute that can�t be flushed so the next mook has to come and kick your old poo poo smeared paper into the toilet and flush it 2-3 times just to use it.

# ? Jan 25, 2019 18:15

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 28, 2024 01:44

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

It's disgusting and funny that the people most anxious about toilet hygiene are the ones who end up making them absolutely filthy while the people who don't care are generally the ones who just use them as intended with minimal fuss.

Freudian posted:

Videochats, I guess. Skype, FaceTime. We live in a lovely-rear end future but by god we have videophones.

It's pretty funny that we do indeed have ubiquitious videophone devices but nobody wants to use them except for niche purposes, or even voice calls much of the time. That said, no sci-fi predicted email or texting for some reason.

# ? Jan 26, 2019 07:20

hazardousmouse: Dec 17, 2010

The weirdest loving phone thing to me is when people put it on speakerphone and hold it horizontally 2 inches from their mouth, just blasting their random business into public. Medical, financial, personal drama, why are you broadcasting this personal poo poo??

Toilet chat: I started getting tired of wiping up dried piss splash-out from the region around my toilet. Now I just sit down for a piss, flush with the lid down. Like any civilized person. (If you're ever on a med that changes your urine color, you'll be amazed at how far that stuff can splash out of the toilet now that you have clear color evidence)

# ? Jan 27, 2019 15:54

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

But pee is sterile???!??

# ? Jan 27, 2019 18:01

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Followup from the goon who wanted to attend an online new-age university:

quote:

Before people freak out, I want to say that even though the school is accredited through a pair of alternative medical associations, I have no intention of doing anything like homeopathy or Breatharian teaching or anything that could actively be construed as medical or psychiatric treatment for clients. I'm not entirely insane. The idea is to become a holistic life coach/spiritual guide, not to claim to be in any way acting as a physician/psychiatrist.

I guess that's the kind of thing that could be helped by having a fancy-looking diploma on the wall, sure :shrug:

quote:

Hello, I wrote a confession some time ago and in another iteration of the thread. Many jovial readers began to call me the �rear end Pen Guy� although I find that incredibly vulgar and missing the artistry of what I do.

If you need a refresher, I simply insert pens from various hotels into my anus and travel with these pens so as to leave my mark around the world. I masturbate during this, obviously.

But I digress. My post today comes as I�ve hit a milestone - a pen in the White House. I won�t say how for fear of my identity being discovered, but I recently was visiting the White House as part of my job duties. When I discovered this fact, you can believe I prepared multiple pens. That was a wonderful night with many dreams of slender lady fingers tickling my prostate.

The pens have been deposited, all 7 of them. I hold no delusions that they�ll get much use. They may even be thrown away as a safety/espionage issue. But I saw the leader of the free world touch one, that�s good enough for me.

Perhaps I�ll visit your town next. Since my last email I�ve travelled quite a bit. I have to admit, I became quite hard at the recent E. coli outbreak, believing I may have caused it.

All of my love. Inserted is a photo of my hotel during the stay, where another cache of pens was deposited.

# ? Jan 27, 2019 18:10

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

weirdo

# ? Jan 27, 2019 18:27

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Haha, rear end pen guy (or girl, no judgment here) owns.

# ? Jan 27, 2019 18:40

Untasid: Jul 8, 2008

As someone who has only dabbled in doodoo diddling, isn't there a huge risk of something smooth and narrow (like a pen) slipping deeper into your colon resulting in an embarrassing trip to the doctor? Thusly buttplugs have a wide base to prevent such occurrences ??

# ? Jan 27, 2019 18:58

bob dobbs is dead: Oct 8, 2017; I love peeps; Nap Ghost

H.H posted:

Haha, rear end pen guy (or girl, no judgment here) owns.

prostate?

could be a trans woman but i suspect not

# ? Jan 27, 2019 19:07

spookykid: Apr 28, 2006; I am an awkward fellow
after all

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9aM_dT5VMI

# ? Jan 27, 2019 20:33

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

bob dobbs is dead posted:

prostate?

could be a trans woman but i suspect not

Ah, missed that part. My point still stands, though.

# ? Jan 27, 2019 21:18

Salty Josh: Jul 13, 2016; Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.; Nap Ghost

H.H posted:

Haha, rear end pen guy (or girl, no judgment here) owns.

I thought the same thing.

How many people get to say they gave the president pink eye?

# ? Jan 29, 2019 02:43

spookykid: Apr 28, 2006; I am an awkward fellow
after all

Did Loq die?

# ? Feb 5, 2019 05:16

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Nope, just a very poor harvest.

Only one confession:

quote:

My girlfriend told me I talk in my sleep. This sucks because I have all kinds of poo poo I don't want my girlfriend to know and I'm sure my unconscious brain says those things while i'm dreaming or half dreaming. For example, I'm paranoid that my girlfriend is cheating on me but at the same time, I'd really like to cheat on my girlfriend with a lot of women. I mean, large numbers of women. I dream about having sex with all kinds of women and I'm afraid I've admitted this while talking in my sleep.

gently caress.

Don't talk in your sleep, goons.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 06:39

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

if you cut off your dick cheating on your gf isn't going to be a problem really

# ? Feb 5, 2019 06:42

Hauki: May 11, 2010

if you think your gf is cheating on you and you want to cheat on her, you should probably just part ways now

# ? Feb 5, 2019 09:48

feedmegin: Jul 30, 2008

therattle posted:

Yes to both of these. Plus if you have cats you have to keep the lid closed, because they are stupid enough to try to drink from the toilet, fall in and drown.

I am sorry that your cats are complete idiots. I've owned cats all my life, always left the lid open, and none of them have ever drowned.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 12:42

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

feedmegin posted:

I am sorry that your cats are complete idiots. I've owned cats all my life, always left the lid open, and none of them have ever drowned.

My cats are pretty stupid. That said, it�s not the kind of thing you want to get wrong. I don�t want to leave the lid open until a cat drowns and I�ve learned a valuable lesson.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 12:54

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

therattle posted:

My cats are pretty stupid. That said, it�s not the kind of thing you want to get wrong. I don�t want to leave the lid open until a cat drowns and I�ve learned a valuable lesson.

my cat is so dumb he couldn't figure out pushing down a mesh flap to get out of a box yesterday, and he's just fine with the the toilet.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 14:31

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

RFC2324 posted:

my cat is so dumb he couldn't figure out pushing down a mesh flap to get out of a box yesterday, and he's just fine with the the toilet.

Apart from the fact that I prefer the lid down myself, what advantage is there to leaving it open on the assumption that your cat is neither incredibly stupid nor clumsy? Especailly given the irreversible and pretty awful consequences of getting it wrong?

Unfortunately, this is not a situation that can be helped by cutting one's dick off.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:17

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Definitely spay and neuter your cats after consulting a trusted veterinarian.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:20

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

There is one more fesh which H.H missed, because I clicked it, went "uh what", and left it marked read in case I felt like dealing with it later (which didn't happen)

I'm guessing this is a continuation of some E/N drama or other, here it is if anyone can make more sense of it than me

quote:

heeeeey everyone its me! fr*kte the floor loving fakeposter! lol!! im posting this through the anonymous confessions thread because my family is monitoring my SA account. Here's a life update:

3 months after I posted my banme in e/n, coworkers started subtly mentioning stuff like "hey iv*n you should be a writer!" or "wow iv*n youre an interesting guy". I ignored them because I assumed that if they had seen my posts about wanting to gently caress my coworker to death I assumed I'd be contacted by the police. It turns out im so pathetic that my psychotic death threats are hilarious instead of scary. I wanted to get my mind off of k*ra so I bought a tenga egg variety pack (hardboiled version).

My silicone masturbation eggs arrived and my grandpa accepted the delivery. He walked down the stairs to my basement, fell halfway, broke his hip, got a bladder infection and had to be put in a home. My family decided to sell the house. The stress of having to hide my drugs and sex toys on open house days brought my erotomania back in full force. I found K*ra's snapchat and paid to have camgirls add her then I spent hundreds of dollars on data recovery software for pictures the of her I deleted. I recovered a single picture of her face. My worst mindset happened after the realtor noticed a cumstain on the wall at eye level. I didn't sleep for two days and the next day I printed out the picture I recovered, made a makeshift mask out of it and walked to a nearby park with a giant bag of peanuts. I made it halfway to the park before realizing that crows wouldn't actually bring her jewelry and shiny pieces of metal.

Meanwhile my coworkers were brutally owning me. The office 'cool guy' would approahc me and say "Hey iv*n there's a young girl here to see you in the lobby..". I'd have a heart attack, walk to the lobby and it'd just be some old lady that needed to use the toilet room and the secretary would laugh at me. I told her not to laugh because I'm mentally ill but she'd just rolled her eyes and said "No you're not, stop playing games iv*n, you love her". I yelled "Quake champions has nothing to do with this!" she shook her head and told me 'there'll be consequences'. A few days later my family found out about the posts and soon after the house was sold.

Two years later, despite my best efforts I still hadn't recovered. I was paying 900 dollars to rent a room in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I got the bedroom, and the tiny iranian homosexual I shared the apartment with slept on the floor in the living room after loudly sucking off his boyfriend. My family and coworkers were still relentlessly doing vicious owns on me and somebody told the mentally disabled man that hangs out in the lobby that the secretary's name is k*ra so everyday I heard him yell "SWEET GIRRRRRRRL KAARAAAAA HO HO GOOD ONE KAARAAAAA" and if he saw me he'd slap me on the back really hard and do the loud inhale noise. Another year later I discovered my neighborhood was infested with bedbugs and I lost my job.

I am now unemployed and live with my mother

Looking back at the last four years the happiest memory I have is from a week ago when I found a 6 year old picture of her feet on twitter (the 2nd is when I took LSD and played Team Fortress 2 and the 3rd is when I took MDMA and played Team Fortress 2). Wikifeet would not accept the picture as she is not famous enough. I often felt like the universe itself was conspiring to drive me nuts over her. Her almond eyes, her pistachio skin, her acorn hair...

In difficult times I remember what I learned in elementary school reading hour. "Nothing golden lasts horse-man". Right now I can only post on obscure private forums (shout-out to the korean women thread on badgame). I hope to post here, with my internet family again one day but until then my mom has just offered to buy me a 12 pack of cocacola if I watch season 1 of Young Sheldon with her. I am 32 years old lmfao. Thanks for reading.

I'd contact a psychiatrist if I were you, and I feel the need to stress that this is not an own but a serious recommendation

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:24

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

loquacius posted:

There is one more fesh which H.H missed, because I clicked it, went "uh what", and left it marked read in case I felt like dealing with it later (which didn't happen)

I'm guessing this is a continuation of some E/N drama or other, here it is if anyone can make more sense of it than me

I'd contact a psychiatrist if I were you, and I feel the need to stress that this is not an own but a serious recommendation

Yeah OP, you keep talking about how you're mentally ill, but nothing about trying to do anything about it. You're obviously aware that all these things are irrational, and of your compulsions. So why haven't you attempted to get your poo poo under control? Also, just FYI, mental illness doesn't excuse being a creepy stalker piece of poo poo.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:38

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Araenna posted:

Yeah OP, you keep talking about how you're mentally ill, but nothing about trying to do anything about it. You're obviously aware that all these things are irrational, and of your compulsions. So why haven't you attempted to get your poo poo under control? Also, just FYI, mental illness doesn't excuse being a creepy stalker piece of poo poo.

As I have had to explain many a time, particularly to drunks. Reasons are not excuses. Just because you have a reason to do something doesn't mean its okay to do it.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:45

McGavin: Sep 18, 2012

Have you tried playing Dungeon Crawl about it?

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:50

Runaktla: Feb 21, 2007; by Hand Knit

Gonna echo the statement on the... think she�s cheating/I wanna cheat... goon, break it off.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 16:55

Mooey Cow: Jan 27, 2018; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Pillbug

Pistachio skin? Pistachio is green :thunk:

# ? Feb 5, 2019 17:09

El_Elegante: Jul 3, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Biscuit Hider

loquacius posted:

There is one more fesh which H.H missed, because I clicked it, went "uh what", and left it marked read in case I felt like dealing with it later (which didn't happen)

I'm guessing this is a continuation of some E/N drama or other, here it is if anyone can make more sense of it than me

I'd contact a psychiatrist if I were you, and I feel the need to stress that this is not an own but a serious recommendation

Stay gold, ponyboy

# ? Feb 5, 2019 18:06

DOA: Nov 17, 2016

im doing benzos and vodka every night... and in the morning i trade some benzos for opiates... its pretty nasty the addicts go to the pharmacy and go around the cprner and spit half the methadone dose in my mouth..

# ? Feb 5, 2019 19:16

DOA: Nov 17, 2016

OHNO it wast anonymous

aaa

# ? Feb 5, 2019 19:17

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Runaktla posted:

Gonna echo the statement on the... think she�s cheating/I wanna cheat... goon, break it off.

the penis, right?

# ? Feb 5, 2019 20:16

Runaktla: Feb 21, 2007; by Hand Knit

ALFbrot posted:

the penis, right?

It probably would be a positive thing for the world as a whole.

# ? Feb 5, 2019 23:10

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I'm the goon with the morbidly obese wife.

Just thought i'd give an update. After reading some of the comments and stuff about my ordeal, it made me try to enact some changes with my wife and our relationship. They didn't work. I'd mentioned therapy or couples counseling to her before, but she was against it. Basically, she thinks nothing is wrong with our relationship. Which makes perfect sense since she just gets to sit around while I take care of literally everything.

I talked with a divorce attorney, and he mentioned that she may make it difficult to get through the proceedings which would make it a contested divorce. Also, she'd likely make it hard to divide the marital assets since her job doesn't pay as much. At this point, I didn't care. I just feel like a fox trying to get out of a trap by gnawing it's foot off.

I'm not proud of this, but a couple of weeks ago I met a girl at the gym. She was leaving a spin class, and I was walking around the corner and she basically hit me with the clear glass door. So, we went from laughing about it to exchanging info. We got coffee a couple of days after that. I just was thinking that we'd be platonic friends, since I don't really have any friends anyway. Also, I was still wearing my wedding so she knew I was hitched. Over coffee, we both ended up talking about our ailing marriages. Apparently, she's stuck in a mirror world version of my situation. Her husband doesn't take care of himself, and she has to do everything for him while he plays PUBG all day long. I don't know if he works or not, but she didn't like talking about it. We ended up kissing when we left the coffee shop. Just a quick kiss, I guess we both just thought it felt right. We've been hanging out after the gym, or otherwise getting coffee or dinner on occasion. I don't know if the relationship will go anywhere, but I hope we stay close regardless because she's a great person.

I told my wife that I met someone last week. I didn't even care. It felt like I told her that I replaced the vent on the furnace. I'm so checked out of this marriage that I just didn't care. She responded by offering to go to couples counseling. I told her it's too late. I ended up packing some clothing and my work laptop and I left. I've been staying with my uncle, who's the only other family I have left in town. he has a travel trailer at the back of his property that he rents out during the summer, so I'm a forty year old guy living out of a trailer and I couldn't be happier! My wife said she would try to take the kids from me, but the lawyer I talked to said that we'd just get joint custody unless there was evidence of abuse or neglect. I didn't tell my boys before the separation, but after the fact they said they knew I was unhappy and it was making them sad. I spend time with them on weekends, but my living situation isn't really suited for them staying over just yet. I need to get a better place first.

The girl from the gym has been making jokes about the trailer all the time. She calls it the gently caress shack, which is funny since we've only kissed a few times. As it turns out, I'm really shy and reserved when it comes to women. Right now, I'm just trying to get my feet underneath me and hoping that everything goes smooth with the divorce.

This is all good news and positive development, but your wife knowing about what technically counts as infidelity could be an issue here. Make sure your lawyer is up to date on that part.

quote:

was told this would stop happening after puberty but I'm approaching 30 now and I keep getting random boners.

I work as a cashier. Last year our store got rid of the chairs behind our tills, forcing us to stand. I now have nowhere to hide other than behind the machine, but I still think people could see my wood if they looked at the right angle. What I came here to confess is that the back of the counter is just the right height to press the head against. I've never outright hosed the worktop, but sometimes I have to lean over to grab a heavy item and it just gives it a nice squeeze. I'd rather not have the boners but if I can have some good times out of them why not.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 13:56

necroid: May 14, 2009

why whould you want to not have random boners? I love my random boners, they make me feel alive

# ? Feb 7, 2019 14:22

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

necroid posted:

why whould you want to not have random boners? I love my random boners, they make me feel alive

Tho they can be inconvenient if if are wearing a skirt.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 14:39

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

RFC2324 posted:

Tho they can be inconvenient if if are wearing a skirt.

Gym class rules, just tuck it under the waistband, rookie.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 16:12

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

necroid posted:

why whould you want to not have random boners? I love my random boners, they make me feel alive

no poo poo, congrats on your functioning hormones at 30 if anything

# ? Feb 7, 2019 16:36

sandoz: Jan 29, 2009

that boner humblebragging motherfucker

# ? Feb 7, 2019 16:45

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Wait, you all don't get random boners any more? I still do, just not to the point of inconvenience.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 16:51

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 28, 2024 01:44

Blaze Dragon: Aug 28, 2013; LOWTAX'S SPINE FUND

Rad-daddio posted:

Wait, you all don't get random boners any more? I still do, just not to the point of inconvenience.

I'm convinced that not getting random boners means that your penis stopped working or your libido is dead. Random boner goon, be happy, neither has happened to you.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 16:58

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

«‹›573 »