Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Azza Bamboo posted:

Can a man cut off his own dick get it taxidermied and then mounted on a strap on and then get hosed by their own dick?

The rarely seen Reverse Onan

# ? Mar 2, 2019 18:53

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# ? May 23, 2024 19:13

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Azza Bamboo posted:

Can a man cut off his own dick get it taxidermied and then mounted on a strap on and then get hosed by their own dick?

There ARE easier ways to get hosed by your own gently caress you know

# ? Mar 2, 2019 19:11

Blue Moonlight: Apr 28, 2005; Bitter and Sarcastic

Azza Bamboo posted:

Can a man cut off his own dick get it taxidermied and then mounted on a strap on and then get hosed by their own dick?

Sounds like the next hit from Hugo Award-nominated author Chick Tingle.

# ? Mar 2, 2019 23:29

Beard Dandruff: May 10, 2017; Want to win a consultation with Tiffany? Click here.

Azza Bamboo posted:

Can a man cut off his own dick get it taxidermied and then mounted on a strap on and then get hosed by their own dick?

Pick might be willing to help you out here.

# ? Mar 3, 2019 00:24

Molentik: Apr 30, 2013

Pickled dick?

# ? Mar 3, 2019 13:03

McSpanky: Jan 16, 2005

A Strange Aeon posted:

This used to happen all the time in the 1800s; through a religious loophole, this version of homosexuality wasn't prohibited by the church

It's not gay if the balls touch themselves

# ? Mar 4, 2019 04:25

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Alas, I am too chicken to discover how my dick would feel inside of me.

# ? Mar 4, 2019 18:50

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

Azza Bamboo posted:

Alas, I am too chicken to discover how my dick would feel inside of me.

You must live somewhere warm.

# ? Mar 4, 2019 21:05

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Azza Bamboo posted:

Alas, I am too chicken to discover how my dick would feel inside of me.

looks like someone hasn't heard of self insertion :smuggo:

# ? Mar 4, 2019 21:11

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Azza Bamboo posted:

Alas, I am too chicken to discover how my dick would feel inside of me.

https://www.amazon.com/Clone-Willy-Silicone-Penis-Casting/dp/B000NBS2RE
:nws:

# ? Mar 4, 2019 22:36

ScentOfAnOtaku: Aug 25, 2006; I have no control, I just keep eating, and eating.

Azza Bamboo posted:

Can a man cut off his own dick get it taxidermied and then mounted on a strap on and then get hosed by their own dick?

As far as I know, the best way of doing it would be to follow Arnold's advice:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFUAH9wb91Y

# ? Mar 4, 2019 23:22

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Thread had a pretty good run this time.

# ? Mar 7, 2019 07:01

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I actually have content today! It's slowed to a trickle, but it hasn't disappeared

quote:

I'll try to keep it short but include enough details to paint a picture. To summarize though, I feel that I'm growing increasingly distant from some of my close family and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

My parents divorced when I was 11, both are now remarried. I've posted in here about my mom before, and the gist was that she married a guy who she complained about pretty much weekly for the ten years they've been together. His kids are all drunks who have like 6 DUI's between 3 of them, and they're spoiled and entitled af. He also threatened to kick her out constantly and I was always scared she'd want to move in w/ me, to which I'd have to say "no" for my own sanity. They seem okay now, but they've also both gone full Chud and press on that every time I go have dinner. Highlights from last time include "AOC is loving retarded because she wants to ban all cows and planes" and "Trump loves America and black people more than Obama ever did. He just wanted them to sit on their phones all day." The two of them are some of the least educated people I know, seem miserable under a thin layer of phoniness, and I know I've heard him drop a hard N at least a dozen times. The last visit I had ended in a slightly heated debate about the material above. Partially my fault, but saying someone's ideas are "loving retarded" sort of implies something about me if I believe in them right? So I stood up for myself.

My grandma on that side isn't much better. Her and my mom have a horrid relationship, partly due to how critical and judgmental grandma is but more and more I'm seeing how much my mom contributed to that falling out as well. Grandma's a full-time devil's advocate basically; always making that extra effort to spin a story so you feel like you are fully responsible for your misery as a result. She's also very skilled at turning a positive story upside down. I still to this day get reminders about "how much cheaper it would have been to go to a community college for a couple years instead of taking loans out for a good university." And yes, her and grandpa are both horribly racist and treat Fox like gospel. The religious aspect I mostly laugh about now though, as I've been told plenty of times that I'm going to hell. I think the first time was when I was 6 or so and had a dinosaur book?

Anyway, the TL;DR here is that I really just don't like being around any of them. I moved to the other side of the goddamn country a couple years ago, party to get away from it all. I did move back though, for multiple reasons. I hate being around my mom and her husband because there's just so much passive aggressive anger that surfaces, not to mention their hateful regressive views on just about everything. It's also not fun being called naive constantly and having the classic "You'll just understand more when you're older, I was like you once" thrown in your face when you correct them or explain why maybe being racist af isn't in fact a good thing. (I'm 28 btw.) Same applies to the grandparents.

The thing is though, I know they love me. Yes they may be hopelessly ignorant and angry but I can't say they're bad TO me. I just hate being around them, and yes I do think hate is an appropriate word to use here. I just feel anxious when I leave and for several days after I see any of them. I constantly make excuses not to go over for dinners and stuff, because the alternative is honesty which I feel would really hurt their feelings. So I guess what I'm looking for here is feedback on that last part. It's just so tiresome to lie all the time and try to keep up with the lies, but I feel like I'm just holding in too much and one day I'll explode on the phone or in person about why I simply just can't stand being around them. They aren't going to change or anything, so it seems like it won't do any good anyway. Also, I don't think it helps that I'm an only child and don't have any cousins my age to really bounce this kind of stuff off of.

I'm thankful that my family is mostly run-of-the-mill apathetic blue-state Dems, but my wife's family is getting more chudly these days (I think I posted ITT recently about having to explain to her mom why universal healthcare didn't mean that nobody can get rich anymore for example)

I dunno, I think you should tell them if something pisses you off. Just say "can you cool it with the politics chat for five minutes loving jesus christ", I think it's a reasonable request, and if they say no, that's a pretty valid excuse not to see them more

Also yeah I keep hearing "you'll understand when you're older" but personally I've gotten more and more socialist as I've aged

quote:

This is the goon with the affair he broke off, not the other guy with the fat wife.

The situation has continued. I sent her the text saying that she wasn't making my any easier and I blocked her, eventually. Truthfully, i kept it open for a bit to see if she read it or not, and the little checkmark (Whatsapp) never turned double, indicating she had blocked me first.

Great, whatever, I blocked her just to be safe and my life quickly returned to normal. Until last Thursday.

I was at work when i got a text from a number I didn't recognize. "Are you working today?"

I know what that means, and I know who that is. My heart is racing now, and I wait a good two hours trying to decide what to do, before doing the dumb thing and texting her back "Yeah, I do". She then says, "Oh, ok, I just needed to know what "graph paper" is in *local language*."

This is transparent. She knows I'm hopeless in the language here, and she has a high level of fluency. Further, her much talked-about boyfriend is (or should I say "was") a native speaker. Asking me that was absurd and we both knew it.

I tell her I have no idea, and she thanks me anyway. That evening, she texts again. "Are you working Friday?" Friday is a major holiday, so we both know I'm not. I say "No", and she starts texting frequently. She and her boyfriend have since broken up, but she's still so in love with him and he was the best relationship she ever had, etc. etc., same poo poo she said about her ex before me, and about me.

They apparently mutually agreed it was wrong for her to date while still legally married, so they parted. He moved to America, and she tried dating other guys (morally wrong, was it?), but it was so empty and she can only ever love him and so on.

She then asked if I ever hook up. I said I did, twice, and both times didn't go too well, so I stopped. She said she had to stop too, as she just couldn't do it anymore. This went on from about 10PM to 2AM, when she asked where I was. I said I was at my apartment, and she said it was a shame the subways weren't running, or I could come over to her place.

I agreed, and she mentioned that taxis still run. At this point, I'm not thinking clearly and I ask if this is an invitation. She says if I want it to be, it is. I tell her, no, that's really not a good idea, for a lot of reasons, and she counters me. We go back and forth on it for about 20 minutes before I finally cave and get a taxi to her place.

I meet her and she tells me she's on her period, and it's a rough one, so if she is irritable, she apologizes in advance. We walk to her place, talking about our future plans. She wants to leave this country after her divorce is final and go back home. She's depressed here and with her ex gone, life just feels empty. I listen, and try to encourage her as best I can.

We get to her place and into her room. She gets ready for bed while we talk. I try to talk about the girls I dated, but she is very disinterested, nor does she want to say who her previous boyfriend was. This alone tells me it was a guy she was always hanging out with as "Just Friends, I swear, I'd never date him!". He always bought her drinks, took her to movies and concerts, etc. Friend-Zone bitch. Guess he got pretty lucky, then jetted off out of country when he got sick of her.

We lay down to sleep, and she curls up with her back to me, facing the wall. We talk a little, and she suddenly says "Do you want to cuddle me or not?". I wasn't planning to make a move, but I'll take an invitation, so I spoon her and we keep talking. We fall asleep, and she wakes me not long after, asking if I'm awake. She asks if spooning her is turning me on (obviously she could feel it). She asks me if I remember our first time having sex. I said of course I do, and she says she has an awkward question to ask me.

I say sure, go ahead, and she resists, saying it's too weird and I'll misunderstand it. I say to go ahead and ask now, as it is more awkward if she doesn't. She says no, but then asks anyway. "I'm just curious, if it's still the same." I'm like, what? "Same size, same feeling, you know. I want to try to touch it. I don't want to have sex and I'm not trying to tease you, but can I touch it?"

I'm not thinking clearly again, so I say ok, and she reaches into my underwear and takes firm grip of my dick. she slides her hand up and down it for a few minutes, then stops, apologizing for seeming like a tease. She's on her period, and besides, she's still too hurt from her breakup to think about any other guy.

She asks me to spoon her again and we try to sleep. I awaken again when she has shifted my hand from her belly to her breasts. I don't know if this was just random sleep-tossing or deliberate, but I get erect immediately. I start playing with her breasts and nipples in a way I know turns her on, and she begins shifting and moaning, eventually turning onto her back. I slide my hand up her shirt and continue on the bare breasts. She responds well, so I lift her shirt up and start licking her nipples.

At this point, she opens her eyes and glares at me. "What are you doing?", she then turns her back to me again, but pulls my arm over her into a spooning position again. Again, my hand is pulled straight to her breasts. This is sort of how she does this, although without the offended seeming protesting, so I leave my hand there. She asks "Why are you suddenly so horny?". I don't respond and she turns to face me.

"I'm sorry, I'm on my period and I'm so depressed. It feels good, but it isn't fair to you because you can't finish." I apologize and tell her I can just take care of myself later. She asks if that would be enough. "Jerking off later? Yeah, of course". She says "what about if I jerk you off while you suck my breasts?" I said sure, and she turns onto her back again and says "Ok, keep doing it".

She gets really into it this time, but after about 10 minutes, suddenly sits up and grabs her shirt, seeming panicked. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't do this.", and she turns to the wall again, saying she can't do this. I ask her if she needs me to leave, and she quickly says "I'm sorry yes please go", so I do.

I leave feeling very confused. Every step of that that turned sexual did so by what I feel is some pretty overt prompting by her. The best I can figure, she was into it at first, but suddenly remembered her ex and was hit with a big lash of pain and guilt. I messaged her an hour later, asking if she was ok, and she said she was, and that she was sorry. I told her she had nothing to be sorry about and that I hope she will be ok.

Any goon thoughts, besides cutting off my dick, which is probably good advice right about now?

I mean there's always :sever:

like seriously dude :sever:

and keep it that way this time

# ? Mar 7, 2019 14:49

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

You're like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PngPQluO1jI

but with your ex. Stop being an idiot. Idiot.

# ? Mar 7, 2019 14:59

The Bible: May 8, 2010

She's loving bonkers, dude, why are you so into that?

# ? Mar 7, 2019 15:04

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

3/10 sex writing, keep practicing. Also if this isn't a creative writing exercise you're an unbelievable idiot

# ? Mar 7, 2019 15:14

The Bible: May 8, 2010

On second thought, I actually kind of want to see how terrible this whole thing can get.

Keep it up man, you'll get her.

# ? Mar 7, 2019 15:29

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

purple death ray posted:

3/10 sex writing, keep practicing. Also if this isn't a creative writing exercise you're an unbelievable idiot

Agreed. Its quite droll in an amateurish sort of way.

# ? Mar 7, 2019 16:01

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

"I sucked on her nipples in the usual way, the way that women like to have their nipples sucked on. I did this for the usual amount of time."

# ? Mar 7, 2019 16:19

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Nnngh, don't stop...

# ? Mar 7, 2019 16:47

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

I placed my genitalia in the general location of her genitalia

# ? Mar 7, 2019 17:51

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it

# ? Mar 7, 2019 18:14

Incoherence: May 22, 2004; POYO AND TEAR

loquacius posted:

I mean there's always

like seriously dude and keep it that way this time

Yeah, bad sex writing aside, why did you even start responding to her texts again?

# ? Mar 7, 2019 19:02

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

purple death ray posted:

"I sucked on her nipples in the usual way, the way that women like to have their nipples sucked on. I did this for the usual amount of time."

"We preformed pleasing and efficient sex with an acceptable amount of pleasure noises followed by the correct amount of cuddling before repeating the process another two times, bringing us to the oft lauded three times of intimacy in one sexual encounter."

# ? Mar 7, 2019 20:50

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Just post the copy pasta

# ? Mar 7, 2019 21:03

DivineCoffeeBinge: Mar 3, 2011; Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company

your dick and balls

it's the only way

# ? Mar 8, 2019 07:23

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

Splicer posted:

I placed my genitalia in the general location of her genitalia

I jizz in your general direction!

# ? Mar 8, 2019 10:29

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Here's a story about aliens and also jerking off

quote:

Posting this anonymously because I don�t want a big red text. I love the current thread about aliens, and have an experience, but I don�t want to share it there because I�m sure I will be mocked.

On October 4th, 2015 I was jerking off before bed (just being honest) when I felt my house shake. This isn�t super unusual as I�ve had planes fly over my house before to similar effect. I pay no mind and finish jerking off, porn
Vid on my phone in one hand. Suddenly my phone battery drains 30% and then just shuts off. The lights in my bedroom dim and flicker, and I assume the power is about to go off.

The house keeps shaking, at this point it�s been about 45 seconds which is unusually long. I pull my boxer shorts back up and look outside the window. Three figures are standing there, each illuminated by a little blue �cube� of light they�re holding. I use quotation marks because it actually kinda hurt my eyes to look at the shapes. Not like because they were bright, but because they gave me a headache. I�ve since read about multidimensional encounters and this felt similar.

Anyway I hear knocking on my front door and run to go get it. It�s another one of these figures and I suddenly realize it�s about 6 foot tall, covered in a green papery looking full body suit (like a jumpsuit) and the face has this big red jelly looking blob in the middle of it. I rightfully am terrified and scream and close the door but the thing has already grabbed me by the neck. It lifts me up with one hand and carries me outside.

I�m screaming in terror and trying to fight back but my punches just thud on it and it feels like a bag of flour. 5 more figures surround us then and I hear a whirring noise. Suddenly a rope appears from somewhere above us, they hook it to me by just kind of touching it to me (I don�t remember this super well) and I feel myself being pulled up.

I�m yanked up extremely fast and pass out. I have no idea how long I was out. I woke up and felt like puking. I was stripped naked and laying on a big cushioned floor. My clothes were nowhere to be seen and the walls and ceiling around me were totally black. The cushioned floor was white but I saw a lot of brown and yellow stains on it.

I start screaming and pounding on the walls and floor and suddenly this red light starts flashing and I feel incredibly sleepy. I pass out again.

Again, no idea how long I was out but I woke up in my bed this time, and it was 1 pm the next day. There was a dried film on a few sections of my skin that crumbled off as soon as i touched it. I also did not go to the bathroom for 2 days and when I did, my urine was slightly blue in color. I went to the doctor and they found nothing wrong except my white blood cell count was very high, like I just got over an illness. Since then (again this is just for honesty�s sake) my penis has never quite worked the same way, I don�t get as hard anymore and I cum way more than I ever did. One time I was curious and jerked off into a cup to see, I shot out almost a half cup of cum, this was the most extreme case so far.

quote:

This is another of those 'I saw a guy try and drug a drink and switched it LMAO!' confessions but with the twist of this one actually happened and wasn't really that funny.

I was like 22 years old at the time and me and some friends were out drinking when this dude, wispy blonde balding hair like 40 something years old looking as much like the kind of person who would spike a drink as you could imagine tried to slip something in the drink of one of our friends, I don't think he realized she was part of such a large group I don't even know if he had an exit strategy but I swapped it quietly.

Trick is I told her, I told everyone... We all pretended to be distracted and kept a side eye on this guy when he got back and we watched this creepy gently caress drug himself. And that's when we got mad, the girls wanted to mostly go home, the night was loving ruined, nobody contacted the cops... Some of us had drugs and frankly pigs will never help you. Some of the girls wanted to but their boyfriends dissuaded them.

This left me and two of my friends and this guy, we were drunk pissed off that our night had been collectively ruined and we conveniently had this vulnerable rear end in a top hat. So we basically did as he would have and walked out the door with him, nobody gave us poo poo or even seemed to care so we bundled him into a car (DUI, whatever, it gets worse) Drove him someplace isolated and we beat the absolutely poo poo out of him... he couldn't defend himself and he sure as gently caress deserved it, although at some point we kinda came to our collective senses and just hosed off... we robbed him for about 120 bucks and threw the rest of his wallet and his phone and keys into some bushes somewhere.

We never spoke a word about it to anyone and nothing came of it, I drove by and the dude wasn't there around midday the next day. Although I'm pretty sure he was hospitalized since we definitely stomped on his head a few times. He could just as easily be dead and we'd never know.

Agreed that instead of feeling satisfying this just feels depressing all around but it sure isn't an unhappy ending

# ? Mar 8, 2019 14:07

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

Here's a story about aliens and also jerking off

Agreed that instead of feeling satisfying this just feels depressing all around but it sure isn't an unhappy ending

I mean if you really wanted to go all eye for an eye you probably should have raped him. :colbert:

# ? Mar 8, 2019 14:33

The Bible: May 8, 2010

Um, let's stick to idiots and alien loving.

# ? Mar 8, 2019 14:45

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

I liked the part where the aliens knocked on the door that owns

# ? Mar 8, 2019 16:12

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

hi, aliens here. we wanna help you shoot huge loads

# ? Mar 8, 2019 17:05

El_Elegante: Jul 3, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Biscuit Hider

ALFbrot posted:

hi, aliens here. we wanna help you shoot huge loads

cum on in!

# ? Mar 8, 2019 17:11

necroid: May 14, 2009

sugar free jazz posted:

I liked the part where the aliens knocked on the door that owns

ALFbrot posted:

hi, aliens here. we wanna help you shoot huge loads

lol

# ? Mar 8, 2019 17:19

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

ALFbrot posted:

hi, aliens here. we wanna help you shoot huge loads

Clearly they were just friendly aliens helping the dude learn the ropes.

# ? Mar 8, 2019 18:02

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

DandyLion posted:

Clearly they were just friendly aliens helping the dude lay the ropes.

# ? Mar 8, 2019 18:28

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

He was jerking off and the aliens were like "ha, look at this fuckin amateur, let's show him how it's done"

# ? Mar 8, 2019 18:31

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Take me to your wiener

# ? Mar 8, 2019 18:36

sandoz: Jan 29, 2009

ROKY

BE THOU NOT AFRAID

NO HARM WILL CUM TO YOU

# ? Mar 8, 2019 18:59

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# ? May 23, 2024 19:13

marathon Stairmaster sesh: Apr 28, 2009; ALL HAIL CEO NUGGET
1988-PRESENT

To alien abducted goon:
Good job getting abducted while jerking off, you're now humanity's representative to the race of aliens that communicate by hand on dick motions. But I'm going to blame you if we get murdered by said aliens because they mistook one of your jerk off sessions as a declaration of war.

# ? Mar 8, 2019 19:44

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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