Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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Stevie Lee: Oct 8, 2007

Azza Bamboo posted:

Take me to your wiener

# ? Mar 8, 2019 19:46

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# ? May 10, 2024 13:54

SerialKilldeer: Apr 25, 2014

I binged this thread a while ago and the alien encounter confessions (or other paranormal ones) are some of my favorites. There was a great one where the confessor said their father was in the military and had once been taken on a tour of some super-secret underground base where he saw a squid-bear monster with human hands.

I also really enjoy the time-travel/prophecy/secret-info ones, where the confessor swears that the apocalypse will totally happen next week. Always fun to read those in retrospect.

# ? Mar 8, 2019 21:02

elise the great: May 1, 2012; You do not have to be good. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Azza Bamboo posted:

Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it

for the FIRST TIME

# ? Mar 8, 2019 21:59

D-Pad: Jun 28, 2006

I think the implication is the aliens altered his DNA (he wasn't the first) and then gave him super cum abilities to make sure he spread the new seed.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 00:23

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

nah i think it's like when humans find a bird with a deformed beak and capture it and give it a new 3d-printed titanium one and send it back into the wild. the aliens were just hanging around in his back yard having a jello hypercube picnic or whatever and they saw him honking off and were like "awww that human's penis is broken! let's fix him with our superior genetic engineering so he can live a full life"

# ? Mar 9, 2019 00:38

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

SerialKilldeer posted:

I binged this thread a while ago and the alien encounter confessions (or other paranormal ones) are some of my favorites. There was a great one where the confessor said their father was in the military and had once been taken on a tour of some super-secret underground base where he saw a squid-bear monster with human hands.

I also really enjoy the time-travel/prophecy/secret-info ones, where the confessor swears that the apocalypse will totally happen next week. Always fun to read those in retrospect.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 00:59

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

ugh mk�glorbnok its their custom to knock we�ve been over this it would be rude to just....barge in! Weren�t you paying attention in the Earth sensitivity training seminar?

# ? Mar 9, 2019 07:38

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

Recently, over the last few weeks, I've had a thing for a work colleague that has ended with me feeling like a witless idiot who can't take a obvious hint.

It all started with said colleague, who is from a different department, and I talking about our mutual enjoyment of wine a few weeks ago at an interdepartmental day. I suggested she should host a wine and cheese party, half as a joke and half serious as last time she hosted a party for people from work I had a great time, which to my surprise she said she totally would and we picked a date. We gauged the interest of some of our mutual social circle at work and they were down for it.

About a week later after that weeks interdepartmental day I started messaging her about some wines that I'd love to try and how the party would be a great excuse to trot them out. She replied back with her opinions and the conversation flowed. It shifted from the wine to swapping personal stories a bit, as we never really were that close at work, and I began to notice that we had really similar history and experiences. We are both private people who don't like to share too much on a public of forum, put on a bit of a face in public to cover up and have some regret over things we did in our pasts, we enjoy similar shows and food, like the same holiday ideas and obviously had our mutual love of wine.

So we basically had this back and forth for a week near constantly of messages. I'd send something later in an evening, and not get a reply as she'd have gone to bed but then wake up to a reply from her the next morning basically seconds after my alarm to get up for work. After the first couple of days it became a joke that she was like a 2nd alarm clock. It kept up over another week and into last weekend when she went to another state for an old friends engagement party weekend. I tried to make a point of saying we shouldn't be talking so much while she was there for his engagement, but she didn't mind and it kept up even through the party itself when she got a bit boozed up. There was a point at like midnight on Saturday when I was in bed watching Netflix to fall asleep and texting her while she was complaining about being cold, tired and everyone at the party sucking at karaoke. I was teasing her about having a warm bed and then tried to convince her to let me pick a song for her to sing but she wouldn't have a bar of it because "You're not here to enjoy it, so it's no fun."

She had a horrible hangover Sunday and crawled back home for work on Monday, complaining the whole way. And then it all seemed to stop as suddenly as it started. She quietened up, and I stopped hearing from her like I'd gotten used to. After a few days I pointed this out to her and was told she'd gotten some new work stuff happening in her office and everything got hectic during the day. The after work messages also droped to almost nothing and the alarm like messages in the morning stoped. We had this week's interdepartmental day where I saw her and while out conversation was polite and reserved she didn't seem engaging. We did talk a bit with out collegues about the party that was supposed to be this weekend but not many of the people invited where there. I tried to catch her after the day but she was in a rush to leave and was in fact the first out the door. I got a message later that evening saying the party was canceled due to people not being able to come. Haven't heard from her since.

So that's where its at now. I'm not sure why I feel put out but I do, honestly I don't think I have the right to. Am I just some sad idiot who developed some feelings for a workmate and clearly couldn't take a hint to go away?

I mean, regardless of whether you missed a hint or something, it's kind of on her to get the friendship going again if she wants to, and if not, that's that :shrug:

I guess what I'm saying is yes give her some space, because she definitely wants it, but don't spend too much time being bitter or beating yourself up over it or anything

quote:

Hi goons

last week a girl from high school messaged me on facebook. I was pretty drunk so I told her I used to have a crush on her. she asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime.

that's a good sign, right? i have no fuckin confidence after being ghosted several times last year. I think I just need some positive reinforcement and this is obviously the best place to get it

Yes, if you want to see someone and they also want to see you that is a good sign, you goober

Say yes, go meet her for coffee, but please don't have this built up in your head as a Big Important Thing, you're just reconnecting with someone from your youth over coffee. Something may or may not grow out of that, but you have no way of knowing until you see how it goes.

And even if she does ghost you, it's not like you've spent terribly much time and effort on her, it's no big loss :shrug:

Anyone who backs out of plans for no reason with no notice isn't worth your time anyway.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 14:53

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Nice thing about meeting someone for coffee is you still get a yummy coffee even if they don't show, so it's impossible not to come out ahead.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 17:38

Azza Bamboo: Apr 7, 2018; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021

Take time to feel what you're feeling. A good taste of coffee. Fondness of good company. Even if you're nervous, feel nervous.

If you want something from someone, a relationship or for them to think well of you, the harder you run for a specific future the more good stuff you'll blow by and the more likely you are to trip. If you focus on where you're at in the moment rather than whether you're going to mess up some hypothetical future you can enjoy yourself now even if it all goes wrong ten minutes later.

Azza Bamboo fucked around with this message at 17:58 on Mar 9, 2019

# ? Mar 9, 2019 17:54

Sleepytime: Dec 21, 2004; two shots of happy, one shot of sad; Soiled Meat

Imagine your whole house shaking every time you jerk off. At least that's how I read alien goon at first.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 18:08

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Sleepytime posted:

Imagine your whole house shaking every time you jerk off. At least that's how I read alien goon at first.

yours doesnt?

# ? Mar 9, 2019 18:33

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

She will probably try to get you to join her MLM scheme. :/

# ? Mar 9, 2019 18:38

jemand: Sep 19, 2018

RFC2324 posted:

yours doesnt?

I must be doing it wrong.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 20:34

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

She met someone at the wedding.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 23:04

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

second goon, don't be that guy. The way you wrote it, it's pretty clear by "used to have a crush on her" means "still has a crush on her". It's coffee, be normal, it's not a proposal or a sign that she is in love with you. Sometimes people just want to catch up.

Maybe she actually is interested in you, but don't go in to it assuming she does because she agreed to the most non-date-ish type of "date" in history.

e: also yeah there's a very non-zero chance you'll get bombarded with a herbalife or something similar pitch.

# ? Mar 9, 2019 23:14

The Dirtyness: Sep 13, 2007

therattle posted:

She met someone at the wedding.

Could be this. Could be any number of things though. Maybe she doesn't want to date a coworker? Or feels like things are moving a little fast? Or reconnected with an old flame?

Her cancelling the party makes me think that there's just something going on in her personal life, maybe she's dealing with something right now.

But regardless it doesn't really matter what the reason is. I would just give her space, don't make it weird.

# ? Mar 10, 2019 17:44

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

It's me. I'm the lead researcher that abducted the anonymous (not anonymous to me) confessor who posted a report earlier in this log.

You see, over the past 50 earth years I've discovered that milk from human males cures a phage that afflicts my kind. We've developed a way to increase the yield so that we can get more bang for our buck so to speak.

Anyways, once the stiffs back on the homeworld sign off on this new technique, you'll be seeing a lot more of us as we scale up production. We'll send you a copy of the piss tape once we're all cured, so please don't consult your trusted physicians about chopping your dick off, ok? We don't need to make this any harder than it needs to be.

P.S. - If you think it's weird that I'm posting on this log, we flag any mentions of aliens on the "web" in order to make sure that we're not stirring things up too much, a kind of quick and easy QA for our operations guys.

P.P.S. - For some reason the reports in this log are the most accurate on all the "web". This one and some dweebs out in the middle of Mongolia. Consider yourself honored.

# ? Mar 10, 2019 17:47

omnibobb: Dec 3, 2005; Title text'd

Post a confession about that red title yikes!

# ? Mar 10, 2019 18:42

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Lol of course this is gonna require an explanation in every thread I post in, that's honestly the most annoying part

Here I already wrote it up in Bernthread:

loquacius posted:

Drama in the politoon thread

Whenever someone posts alt-right cartoons in it there's a big derail over whether they should be banned, and I was of the opinion that we should keep posting them so we can keep dunking on them, because dunking on bad dumb poo poo is literally the point of that thread and honestly also the point of Something Awful

someone interpreted this as defending Nazism

I'm Jewish

Two other people got swastika'd too, one of whom is trans. Someone already bought us all new av certs, I'm just not sure what to do with mine yet

e: I had this old av saved on my computer, it's makin a comeback

loquacius fucked around with this message at 19:38 on Mar 10, 2019

# ? Mar 10, 2019 19:19

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

loquacius posted:

Lol of course this is gonna require an explanation in every thread I post in, that's honestly the most annoying part

Here I already wrote it up in Bernthread:

e: I had this old av saved on my computer, it's makin a comeback

A Jewish Nazi? Are you Loomer or Shapiro?

# ? Mar 10, 2019 20:32

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

loquacius posted:

Lol of course this is gonna require an explanation in every thread I post in, that's honestly the most annoying part

Here I already wrote it up in Bernthread:

e: I had this old av saved on my computer, it's makin a comeback

I mean say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

# ? Mar 10, 2019 20:44

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

loquacius posted:

Lol of course this is gonna require an explanation in every thread I post in, that's honestly the most annoying part

Here I already wrote it up in Bernthread:

e: I had this old av saved on my computer, it's makin a comeback

Its like you just have to realize that all those people are helping support lowtax and his robo-spine.

NO I DON'T SUPPORT OR ENDORSE PEOPLE GETTING SWASTIKA AVATARS

# ? Mar 11, 2019 11:58

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

SKIPPING: a poo poo fetish post, no offense if you're real but I'd rather not

# ? Mar 11, 2019 13:10

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Sounds like wine girl either

A. found another interesting dude so thinks its inappropriate to talk to that dude

B. Got tired of putting out signals and getting nowhere

C. Changed her mind about a co worker relationship

Either way, you snooze, you lose. If she wants to continue later it's up to her, but otherwise, leave her alone.

# ? Mar 11, 2019 15:36

Bust Rodd: Oct 21, 2008; by VideoGames

Also sorry to be this guy but sometimes people just act irrationally and like having attention and the second they realize they have you hooked they stop caring because it wasn�t about you it was about having your attention. Now that they have it, they don�t need it anymore. It�s something empty people do to feel something.

# ? Mar 11, 2019 15:49

Super Waffle: Sep 25, 2007; I'm a hermaphrodite and my parents (40K nerds) named me Slaanesh, THANKS MOM

Bust Rodd posted:

Also sorry to be this guy but sometimes people just act irrationally and like having attention and the second they realize they have you hooked they stop caring because it wasn�t about you it was about having your attention. Now that they have it, they don�t need it anymore. It�s something empty people do to feel something.

Can confirm

# ? Mar 11, 2019 16:02

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Bust Rodd posted:

Also sorry to be this guy but sometimes people just act irrationally and like having attention and the second they realize they have you hooked they stop caring because it wasn�t about you it was about having your attention. Now that they have it, they don�t need it anymore. It�s something empty people do to feel something.

Goddamn, I just got some bad flashbacks

# ? Mar 11, 2019 16:41

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Bust Rodd posted:

Also sorry to be this guy but sometimes people just act irrationally and like having attention and the second they realize they have you hooked they stop caring because it wasn�t about you it was about having your attention. Now that they have it, they don�t need it anymore. It�s something empty people do to feel something.

Already stopped listening

# ? Mar 11, 2019 16:48

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

Bust Rodd posted:

Also sorry to be this guy but sometimes people just act irrationally and like having attention and the second they realize they have you hooked they stop caring because it wasn�t about you it was about having your attention. Now that they have it, they don�t need it anymore. It�s something empty people do to feel something.

That's where my mind went with that too. The pursuit was done so on to other things.

# ? Mar 11, 2019 16:53

artsy fartsy: May 10, 2014; You'll be ahead instead of behind. Hello!

My first thought was she turned all cold after say something she regretted (maybe got too flirty?) while drunk.

# ? Mar 11, 2019 17:53

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Yeah, maybe she just wanted a friend? Who knows, it is a Matsui

# ? Mar 11, 2019 21:16

thoughts and prayers: Apr 22, 2013; Love heals all wounds. We hope you continually carry love in your heart. Today and always, may loving memories bring you peace, comfort, and strength. We sympathize with the family of (Name). We shall never forget you in our prayers and thoughts. I am at a loss for words during this sorrowful time.

Or she thought about it again (or talked to friends) and realized it's really risky to date at work

I've passed up a few of those and in hindsight it was the right call in my case - we worked too closely

When those things gently caress up they gently caress up 2/3 of your life (the other being family)

# ? Mar 11, 2019 21:19

A Strange Aeon: Mar 26, 2010; You are now a slimy little toad; The Great Twist

Solice Kirsk posted:

That's where my mind went with that too. The pursuit was done so on to other things.

As Motorhead teaches us, "you know the chase is better than the catch".

# ? Mar 12, 2019 15:43

Vermin Tanager: Jul 2, 2007

Ignore Lemmy-wisdom at your peril.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:50

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

St. Patrick's Day is a huge holiday around these parts, so here's a timely tale of seasons ago for all you good readers. A few years back, after an unfortunate event that left me disabled with a little too much time on my hands, I was studying how to play some traditional Irish folk songs on my guitar so I could do my part. Note to the reader: I am zero percent Irish. As a consequence, I was in the park, singing "Whiskey in the jar" and trying to figure out how to play along with it. This was the traditional version of the song, as performed by the Dubliners, not the Thin Lizzie cover.

Anyway I was making a few minor changes to the lyrics as I go because I thought they sounded better and/or were clearer to ye olde modern listener (not that a lot of drunk college students were going to care, right?) Then I started working out the final verse, which is about the singer reaching a low point in his life due to some bad choices and hoping he can find his brother, a soldier who will help him make a fresh start. Relatively speaking. Now, I don't have a brother, and my nonexistent brother isn't in the army, but I do have a sister who is actually in the army, and we've definitely partied hard some times or so when we were younger. "I could make it about her!" I thought, and pulled out pen and paper to jot down some lyrics. As near as I can recall it:

"Now if anyone can aid me, 'tis my sister in the army
I'll find her when I see her, she's the tallest in the county
And if she'll go with me, we'll go drinking in Kilkenny
And I'm sure she'll treat me better than me old a-sporting Jenny"

Or something to that effect. I was sounding it out on the old six string, and by now I'd racked up an appreciable audience- which to me, and my amateur instrumental capabilities, was like, four or five people. I ran through the whole shindig from the top for them and they seemed reasonably entertained, but when I did the final verse, about my sister, one of them suddenly started getting agitated.

"You loving libs," he said, "trying to PC bullshit everything."

I was confused. "Ah, what."

"The last part's supposed to be about bros, not hos."

"My sister is in the army," I told him, "so it's personal. Now gently caress off"

Without warning, he reached over and shoved me backwards off the park bench. I landed hard on my back on the grass, had the wind knocked out of me, and I couldn't get up. My guitar went flying and bounced once across the turf. It hurt a lot more than it should have because I had been in a pretty bad accident several years before and still had to use an orthopedic walking cane just to be mobile on some of the badder days.

Another listener grabbed my assailant's wrist, restraining him, and tried to calm him down. But he turned and punched the bystander in the mouth, dropping him to his knees, then stepped over the park bench to where I lay wheezing on the ground. "I'm gonna gently caress you up," he hissed. He stood next to me and aimed a kick at my middle ribs.

Fortunately, I was still holding my walking cane. Due to a series of improbable events stemming from my accident, I'd learned the mystical Path of the Scarab style of hand-to-hand combat from an extended coma dream involving melee fights with giant insects, spiders, and beetles in a fantasy jungle. Then I had honed my skills while unergoing physical therapy from a naginata spear master. Who was also a physical therapist. So I was not so helpless after all.

Drawing on my reflexes, I brought my cane up in both hands and deflected his stomping foot away from my middle. Before he could react, I hooked his other ankle with the crook of my cane for leverage and rolled, lashing upwards with my foot and striking him hard in the chest well above his center of mass. Lesson one of the Path of the Scarab: The fewer the legs, the easier it falls over.

Flailing backwards, my attacker lost his balance and went down, striking the back of his head hard against the park bench. I was gasping in pain as that leg had never quite recovered after being broken years ago, but I didn't have to do anything else. Fight was over. Someone had already called the police, there were a few witnesses besides myself and the other guy who'd been face busted trying to help me, and I am technically permanently disabled so I was correctly not worried that the police would think I had started the fight.

They didn't arrest that guy, though, they called an ambulance. As far as I know the state never brought charges or put him on trial, because they never asked me to be a witness. I don't think he's died yet either. I sometimes wondered if he became a brain-damaged vegetable, or stuck in a coma like I was, and what he's dreaming about�

I walked home, with a dented guitar, arriving a bit later than I thought I'd be but not feeling too badly. My daughter opened the door, wearing her child sized blue nylon armor pads over her gi. "Mommy left you dinner food out," she told me, "she's in the a shower because we just stopped practicing tonight."

"How did my little rhinoceros bug do?" I asked.

As I closed the door, my daughter picked up her bamboo practice spear off the floor and put it on the weapon rack. She scowled up at me and stamped her foot. "I'm not a� a� eye-nossus bug! Mommy says if you give me names I get to break your legs again!"

I softly thumped her on her shoulder pauldron and handed her my guitar. "Hold this for me while I take my shoes off, and then I'll play you the song I've been working on. Your favorite auntie's in it."

NGL my first reaction to this was to do a search for one of the lines to see if it was a copy-paste, but a more thorough reading confirms that it's a bespoke creation for the thread :3:

# ? Mar 14, 2019 15:58

Sleepytime: Dec 21, 2004; two shots of happy, one shot of sad; Soiled Meat

The saga continues.

There�s a short story similar to this where a guy is in an accident and has fever-dreams in a hospital but instead of awesome bug adventures it ends with him being offered as a ritual sacrifice.

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:16

purple death ray: Jul 28, 2007; me omw 2 steal ur girl

So glad PHIZ KALIFA and his family are doing well

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:27

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

loquacius posted:

NGL my first reaction to this was to do a search for one of the lines to see if it was a copy-paste, but a more thorough reading confirms that it's a bespoke creation for the thread

I got the biggest grin on my face at the reveal

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:30

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# ? May 10, 2024 13:54

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Sleepytime posted:

The saga continues.

There’s a short story similar to this where a guy is in an accident and has fever-dreams in a hospital but instead of awesome bug adventures it ends with him being offered as a ritual sacrifice.

Also the big warrior confession in this very thread

# ? Mar 14, 2019 16:45

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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